28 Years Old, Getting Ready to Transform - Vancouver, BC

The last few months I've been feeling less and less into the idea of getting rhinoplasty. The two biggest issues for me are the fact that I can't control the outcome of the surgery/I cannot see what it will actually look like in the end. The other reason is functionality. I dont want my breathing to be messed up. I have complex ptsd and anxiety and while my nose function is perfect, I tend to breathe shallow.

I also truly LOVE certain aspects of my nose. How it looks from the front and other certain angles.

I'm continuing to work on loving and accepting myself just the way I am. Even if others reject me or don't understand me. My job is to accept me and like me. It doesn't matter what they think... it's my opinion that matters most.

I am still conflicted however, because I have an image in my mind of my beauty that is close to how I look now, just slightly different. I wouldn't want a drastic change in the appearance of my nose. But all rhinoplasty is major, right? It's the most difficult and delicate type of cosmetic surgery. I wish I could gaurantee a positive outcome... aesthetically and health wise. I dont want to mess with my face when I know I AM beautiful already.... yet i want to make changes. I keep going over this.....
I know the answer for now is to continue focusing improving other parts of my life. Even if I did have the surgical outcome... how much would my life actually change? I have too many other important goals. I want to be a better person on the inside. I want to love myself and take excellent care of myself.

Rhinoplasty is on the back burner in my mind... it's definitely something I am still considering... but I'm focusing on other areas of healing in my life at the moment.

My face looks so different all the time--to me anyway. I'm a Gemini Sun sign with a Gemini Moon and Libra rising. Geminis are known as the twins--they're two-faced. Well I feel like my face is a chameleon.

P.S. I have mild-moderate alopecia. This is why I have a lot of photos with wigs and others my natural short hair. (Also wearing weaves in certain photos, and in a couple of older photos I have natural long hair). I started developing alopecia when I was 13. I struggled with dealing with this, felt so incredibly insecure about it for my teens through to my middle 20s. Now at 28, I'm embracing my hair and actually liking it and not feeling completely horrible about it. I took out the weave and and have been embracing the short hair even with its thinness. I think I definitely had BDD issues with that, in addition to my nose. Even though I have lost a lot of hair, I think I have mistakenly seen it a thousand times "worse" than it really was or is. And now as I've been going down my healing path, as my mind and heart have been rebuilding, good changes are happening. I feel like I'm actually getting younger because I've begun to learn how to accept and care about myself the way I deserve. My hair has been getting thicker slowly in the last couple of years. It really has. For the first time instead of losing more hair it seems to be getting thicker...and softer, shinier, and buoyant!?! The changes are very subtle but there is definite improvement. It’s going back to a richer colour like I had when I was a teen. The most important thing is that I am actually SEEING this improvement when I look in the mirror. I can actually find appreciation for physical traits I used to feel mortified and ashamed for.

And in the last couple years especially I don't care about letting people see the "bad side" of my face. Well I do care a lot but, the difference is that I don’t see myself as a “monster” anymore from the bad angles (most of the time). I don't let it stop me from living my life as much anymore. I’m dealing with it and actually liking what I see even if it’s not conventional beauty. If my nose hooks down when I smile and it creates a more pronounced hump…I’m not going to hide in the corner anymore and refuse to let people make me laugh or show my face in pictures. I've posted some of my "worst" photos to this public website. Would NEVER have done that before. I take more selfies now of my "bad side" than my "good side" (from only certain angles though) just to force myself to LOOK and SEE the beauty in my imperfections. I see other people as beautiful so why don’t I deserve that same kindness and appreciation? I now participate in a very public activist group and I'm photographed and video recorded in truly unflattering positions at times. I've gained like 20 pounds since this picture which was taken a year and a half ago, and yet I allow people to take photographs of me when I have the most awkward expressions on my face (like with my mouth half open in mid-sentence and squinting one eye and most unflattering nose angle.. lol). I'm honestly amazed that I'm beginning to be at this place in my life where I am looking at myself in the mirror and allowing others to see me. I used to feel so ashamed. I am still at the beginning of my healing journey but I am very thankful to have made this progress so far. You might think that I’m about to say I don’t know if rhinoplasty is right for me, but no. I do want rhinoplasty one day. Because I want to believe that I can create the body I want. I want to realize and materialize the beautiful person I feel in my heart. I am beautiful now! And so YOU, whoever is reading this. No path is better than the other depending on what you personally desire. Cosmetic surgery or not, beauty can be found and made in any thing. I haven’t found myself yet, still waiting…and I’m actually enjoying the waiting process where I face my flaws and come to appreciate them. I'm in a really good mood tonight and feeling loving towards myself and creative. I hope I'm not weirding anyone out or that I'm coming across as preachy with this sort of post. Ah, well, [RS bleep] it! :)