Feeling Good About This - San Francisco, CA

Hello new internet friends!

I remember becoming self conscious about my nose when I was ten years old. I'm 25 now and I think I've done a pretty good job of not letting it bog me down too much, I go through periods of coming to terms with my big honker and then hating it so much it's all I can think about. In general, when I'm meeting new people I think, they THINK, they're just talking to a giant nose. Kind of a funny visual... It makes dating more of an ordeal. I'm not going to start about candid profile pictures (the bane of my existence). Also, I'm a professional ballet dancer and I think it would REALLY improve my overall look. When I'm watching company videos and it's usually kind of difficult to tell who is who in group sections, I can always find my nose. This is a problem.

In any case, yes I hate my nose! Yes I need to change! I'm taking control of my life and am being pro active about my happiness! Wooo! I actually have my mother to thank for this. She's always mentioned that if I was interested in doing it, she'd support me (she has a cute little nose). Well, we had a Botox date in the spring (haha) and talked to the doctor about a rhinoplasty and since then I've been researching like a crazy person.

I have had one consultation and three more scheduled. I believe the following will happen: chop off my dorsal hump, narrow the bridge, refine the tip, take the right nostril in a hair, and also correcting the angle of the bottom of the nose and mouth (name for that?).

I just found out that in between my current contract and the Nutcracker contract I just got, I have a three week break (end of October/early November). PERFECT! It will give me enough time to recover and disappear off the face of the planet for everyone other than my Mommy (although, I'll be pretty legit for Halloween). I decided that I don't really care if people can tell, but I'm not going to share the information. I do want a natural look. The only other person I have told (besides my mother) is my current love interest that I have been seeing for nearly three years. But we're long distance right now so it's complicated for lack of better words. I told him because I think we'll end up together, PLUS I'm supposed to see him over that break. He's not into but whatever... he KIND of understands but is definitely judging me. He will never really get it though because his face is perfect (as in he's a musician and is ALWAYS asked to be in promo photo shoot things). I'll probably tell my roommate and perhaps a couple friends. I sort of just want to surprise them and see their reaction though. Mostly, I don't want anyone to tell me not to do it.

I wouldn't call myself a smoker but I'm totally a smoker. Like a couple to five(ish) a day with a whole lot of guilt. In any case, I finished doing that a few days ago so yeah, being pro active!

My next consultation is Monday with Dr. Kabaker in Oakland, CA. My first one was with Dr. Commons in Palo Alto.

Some pics of morphs I've done below. Btw, I'm sort of obsessed with morphing my nose. It's like, my new favorite past time. I'm also really nervous every time I'm showing someone a picture on my phone that they'll flip through and find like 500 photos of my nose morphs, or see the app... and be like... wtf is this? Life is so hard. :)

More to come!

... with my ex boyfriend/love of my life last night. He lives in Texas and we FaceTime a couple times a week. He is less than thrilled about the idea, I haven't spoken to him about it very much (I've probably only expressed a vague interest in wanting to do this twice in the three years we've been seeing each other), so it's difficult for him on many levels to wrap his head around it. He wishes I would see a therapist about it before I commit, and to really understand the root of the problem. He thinks it will only give me temporary happiness and I'm just "kicking the can down the road" and the real problems will resurface again when other things in my appearance begin to make me unhappy, as age will inevitably do. And what do I do when I have kids? What if I have a big nosed daughter? What kind of an example would I be setting to her?

And I think he's right. I agree wholeheartedly BUT I also believe in this decision and I do believe that it will make me happier. The fact that I'm a professional performer has unfortunately given me a massive complex about my physical appearance that I'm sure I will struggle with on some level for the rest of my life. This is a fact. But if there is one thing I can do that will help this, I'm going to do it. I know it will make me more confident, and I DO think it will make me a better dancer just because I'll finally feel good about presenting myself.

And about future kids. I hope that if I have a big nosed daughter she will embrace herself and be happy with her appearance. I hope she loves her quirks and is secure. I hope she isn't phased by it and loves her big schnoz. :) I hope she can be stronger than I am in that regard. I hope she doesn't choose to be a performer. And if she asked me "Mommy why do I have a big nose and you don't?" I probably wouldn't tell her until she is quite a big older. I would want her to grow into herself before making that decision.

I showed him a picture of a morph and he said, I'm looking at one picture that looks like you, and one picture that doesn't look like you. You look younger. In the end of our two(ish) hour conversation, he said it's not the choice he would make and he would approach it differently, but he supports me in my decision and loves me in any case. Grateful.

There was a lot more in there, but that's the gist. Also, my mom is going to my next consultation with me, happy for that.

PHEW!

I've also been researching like the crazy obsessive person that I am, and I'm pretty confident about all the doctors I'm seeing. I booked one more consultation, so I have five total right now.

!!!!

So I had my second consultation on Monday and it was okay. I thought the doctor was nice, he explained everything to me, and answered all of my questions but he didn't show me any before/after photos. I've seen the photos on his website but he didn't show me any of noses very much like mine. I guess I didn't ask because I wasn't exactly in love with the simulation he created. The profile was nice but from the front view, I think he made the bridge too narrow and it made my nostrils look super wide. The estimate was a little over $8,000. Bottom line, still looking. I'm very much looking forward to my next three consults who are all with doctors known for their nice nose work. :) Next one is Tuesday with Dr. Sam Most.

Also, I posted this photo on Real Self and asked if it was a feasible outcome and received many helpful answers from all the doctors. Luckily it sounds like a yes! I particularly like this answer (link below), I wish I could see that doctor. Unfortunately he's in Omaha. The before/after photos on his website are beautiful!

http://facialsurgery.com/RealSelf/RealSelf_AU.html

And finally, planning on telling two of my best friends this weekend. Lets hope I don't chicken out. :)