It's all over and i'm leaving Real Self

The very next day after i last updated my review, we got a bill for £67,000. Before we were in about £10,000+ of debt but we made a plan together to get through it and travel to Texas to get my nose fixed. I always said that i wouldn't pay so much money travelling back and forth to the States (a place we've ALWAYS wanted to go) and spend Lord knows how much on surgery unless we were financially stable enough that we wouldn't be left poor and back in debt afterwards. Then this happened.

£67,000 on top of what we're already paying out is just ridiculous and there's no way we can manage it. We booked an appointment with a debt specialist and thought he would just tell us that we could go bankrupt. That way our debts would be wiped out after a year and we could start again.

But thanks to D*ckhead Cameron, the Prime Minister that nobody elected, bankruptcy is just not what it used to be and we would end up worse off. Now we can either go the IVA route which will take 5 years to get through and will see us and my precious little girl hungry and only with the clothes on our backs, or we can make the mortgage (oh yeah, this was all cos of a mortgage we were kind of tricked into) company an offer of at least £5000 upfront and hope that they will accept it. Then of course we have to figure out how on earth to come up with that amount of money in such a short amount of time.

We have a month to decide what we're going to do, either way a rhinoplasty is out of the question for the foreseeable future...

I won't be on Real Self much cos of course it's heartbreaking. When there was a light at the end of the tunnel, your stories were soooooooo inspiring, but now i can't stand to look. I have been putting on a brave face, positive of what might have come out of this meeting today, but it has all fallen through and i'm devastated (as well as feeling incredibly bloody stupid for getting so excited).

I will never forget all the support i have received here though, you are all such beautiful people and -however dramatic and silly this sounds- you have all restored my faith in humanity with your kindness and support. I can't thank you all enough, you are wonderful people.

Maybe one day i will be back and have my consultation booked, but who knows. I'm just taking it as it comes now and trying not to get emotional and whatever, so...

My writing has even fallen through (and i LOVED it!!) cos i'm just not in the right frame of mind to carry on.

Good luck with all of your surgeries and recoveries and thank you all again. Bah-bye! :*

So the past week or so something has happened to me. Slowly over the years i have been coming to terms with everything that's happened, having to fix what somebody else did to me, yadda yadda yadda. But more recently i seem to be getting my backside into gear. My fiance Craig and i have FINALLY decided to quit smoking. We figured out how much we were spending on our habit and realized we could be saving £370 a month! I tried to convert this into dollars for you but i'm having a stupid day and couldn't figure it out. On top of that, he's changing shifts at work which means he'll be getting paid more to work less! That's an extra £320 a month! I'm so excited i can barely contain myself!

Craig and i are writers (i guess) and he's doing movie work after dilly-dallying for like ever. I am finally turning my life into a book and i know that sounds really lame -cos it is- but i'm kind of making it into a comedy. It makes me laugh! But i'm glad i can finally laugh about my life instead of getting angry at feeling like a victim.

We've found some cheap flights over to the US for when we can book a consultation, so that's also good. I have my heart set on seeing Dr Cochran in Dallas for my surgery cos every review of him that i have read has been fantastic and every last photo of their new noses are PERFECT!

It's still going to be a while before anything happens, we have a fair bit of debt from when Craig was like 21 (he's 34 now) to pay off, but after that we're on our way! At least now we have a plan and we're being sensible, there is finally a light at the end of this tunnel!

I know i do this every update and it's probably getting old, but i do really want to thank everyone again for being so incredibly kind and supportive. It's nice that you're all putting a positive and encouraging spin on things instead of pitying me cos it's helping me stay positive and strong. In particular, thank you AriaD'Fontaine for knowing exactly how i feel without me even knowing myself.

I will of course keep you all updated, but i'm thinking when i actually book my first consultation i will write a separate review. I will get permission first of course, but in the build up to my surgery i don't want any negativity in that review, i want to keep it all positive like with everyone's comments below. I just think that this review so far has a lot of negativity in it (things i've written) and while i don't mind you all knowing that side of my life, i'd prefer to keep it separate from all my excitement.

Good luck everyone with your surgeries, happy recovery! :*

OK, this time i'm definitely not updating again until something significant happens (after this time, of course), i'm beginning to annoy myself! I'm not very good with words and a lot of the time i accidentally insult people or explain myself wrong and people take me for being a bit rude, or just plain nuts. It's hard cos i have quite a dry sense of humour usually and now i'm all excited after reading all of your reviews! I kinda just want to explain myself a bit more, then provide a rather dull mini-update..

My nose looks fine from certain angles so whenever someone whips a camera out, i strike a rather silly pose with my head facing the right. Because my nose twists to the left (and my tip tilts to the right), it looks small and a little upturned from the left and i don't mind how it looks like that. But face on, as you can see up top, it looks a hot mess! That photo is equally unflattering cos my top lip tends to disappear when i smile, but i can live with that -i just have to start applying a bit of lippy once in a while! From the right side, you can see how twisted it is and it looks huge and like a big lump. It also looks all bumpy too.

I've said to a few other people on here that it's always different when it's someone else's nose. I could look at anyone's nose on here and say 'Oh, it's fine, you're just being silly!' But truthfully, though some noses genuinely need nothing doing to them, others wouldn't be so fine if i was the one with it on my face! Then it would be another story, if i had to look in the mirror every day and see it staring back at me and being the main focus of my whole face. That's all i'm saying.

For the record, i'm not trying to convince you my nose needs seeing to, i'm having the operation regardless of what anyone thinks, but i would like to share with you all and even poke fun at my silly wonky, clicky nose! I've had enough of being serious and feeling like a victim, i want to laugh about it get spurred on. Why should i let that woman (my mom, of course) have that kind of power over me any longer and laugh with all her mere minions about how she got away with everything? Forgive me for this, but BOLLOCKS to that! She'll get what she deserves and, though i won't sit there and wish and plot for it, i can have a little peace of mind knowing that if evil exists in this world, it has to exist in the next. That i will laugh about! :)

I am genuinely grateful for everyone's input and i'll never tire of hearing your opinions, honestly, but if any of you are just trying to make me feel better -stop it! :) I know what my nose looks like and i'm fine with that, knowing i can do something about it (eventually). I want a rhinoplasty for the same reason as you guys: because i think it's ugly. It just so happens it looks this way because of someone else and sometimes it reminds me of that and i get upset. I don't expect the surgery to fix all my problems, it won't change anything but my nose, but i've worked hard to forget my past and stop getting angry and now i can go months without even thinking about it, but then when i rub my nose the wrong way, the physical pain and the sickening crunch brings it all back. I'm not expecting a miracle.

Anyway, enough of that. Bored with it.

The past few weeks, nothing much has changed. I'm still being harassed by MYA and i'm still poor. But i'm still working hard and doing my own little Private Investigations of sorts and i'm a bit closer to picking a surgeon or three to have a consultation with a little further down the line and i'm planning on making some morphs this weekend. I'll take some better photos of my nose now and upload them soon then share the morphs with you guys.

Thanks for reading,
Take care and good luck :*