48 Yrs Old, 5' 8", 142Lbs, Ruptured Breast Implant Revision with 475Cc Silicone Anatomicals UnderMuscle.

When I was 31, in 1999, i was somewhat pressured in to having implants done. I was a fairly small B cup, deflated after having had 2 children. I had very mixed feelings and started to "pull out" altogether of the idea after a few consults but succumbed under my husband's pressure. Still, it was me who signed the paperwork. As a result of my uncertainty, I was too shy to do the right research and ask the right questions and be completely comfortable with my decisions. The internet was not quite as accessible as it is today. I was not entirely comfortable with the PS.
Of course, silicone was banned back then, so saline was used. I was told that they were saline, round, textured, placed over the muscle, and were 350 cc. The pain was absolutely incredible, the swelling was massive and the result was "meh". Within three months of the procedure, I was pregnant with my third child, so I am not sure I ever really saw them "settle" in. Life moves along, I had another child, gained a fair amount of weight (about 30-40 lbs). In the landscape of one's life, my implants really took a back seat to the larger pressing issues--difficult economic times, an abusive husband...
Approximately 6 years ago, I awoke one morning to find that my left implant had completely collapsed. There was no trauma, no sudden impact. It was just deflated. I had moved to a remote northern community. I called my PS THREE TIMES to leave messages as to what had happened. I NEVER received a return phone call. As the rest of my life was in a complete shambles, I let it go because I had too many more important things to manage--like being stranded in a remote northern community with 4 young kids and a well educated but unemployed abusive husband. I never saw a doctor and I never told anyone.
Over the past 6 years, i returned to my hometown, with my children, divorced my former spouse and remarried an absolutely wonderful kind, gentle man, whom I am very happy with. Over the past year, I finally lost the extra 40 lbs i had been carrying as well. The differences between my breasts were more and more apparent!
Let's move up to about three months ago--during a routine self breast exam, I noticed a very large, hard lump in some breast tissue under my right armpit. I decided it was finally time to go and seek medical attention for myself. After a series of tests, it was confirmed that there was actually a cluster of benign, fluid filled cysts ("too many to count|") with one very large one. These are easily remedied but it made me have to look at the ruptured implant, finally, after six years. I might add that after my new husband's initial question, early on, about what had transpired with the obvious differential between my breasts, never did he ever make me feel less desirable or special or important JUST AS I WAS. Given my health scare however, I was finally forced to open up to the medical profession and be honest about how I felt about my breasts.
After much consideration and a whole lot more knowledge (and self esteem) than I had almost 16 years ago, I found myself a new PS, Dr. Bryan Callaghan. Thorough, attentive and focused, and accommodating, I really had no inclination to attend another consult with the other reputable PS I had been researching. His staff are so easy to work with. As for my initial PS, their office was not able to provide me with any records whatsoever of the initial procedure, so in some ways, Dr. Callaghan was going in "blind".
I brought Dr. Callaghan several "ideal" pictures but was very clear that I understand that I have breastfed four children, gained and lost weight and I am 48 years old! I do not expect to look like a beautiful, nubile 21 year old (the rest of my body would not match!!). He seemed to think my expectations and desires were reasonable.
After some debate, we decided on Allergan style 410, silicone FF anatomicals. He ordered both 425 cc and 475 cc sizes, so he could decide during surgery which would be most appropriate for my body. He believes that I am tall enough to carry the full height/full profile implants and that the full projection/teardrop base will help fill out some of the ptosis and extra skin from having multiple children. I also wanted them to be a bit closer together and we went from a 13 cm to a 13.5 cm base.
My procedure was only 72 hours ago. Just before I "went under" I joked with Dr. Callaghan that it would be just like Christmas for him, because he had no idea what he was going to find when he went in there. I couldn't have been more correct. What I had been told was "over the muscle, 350 cc Johnson and Johnson round implants" were, in fact, completely under the muscle, 300 cc, GENERIC-no name-never seen before implants. It turns out there was a valve issue, which must be why it collapsed. In addition, although I went with significantly larger implants (475 cc), the right pocket had to be stitched up because it was apparently too large and we need to keep these things kinda in place! of course, there was the expected scar tissue around the 6 year collapsed implant and as a result, the pocket needed to be made larger. Unbelievable, from beginning to end. I believe in leaving the past in the past however and am now focusing on my new life (and my new breasts!). My only advice is to DO YOUR RESEARCH and be COMPLETELY comfortable and make your OWN decisions about your body.
So I am 72 hours post op. Dr. Callaghan's staff have been marvelous--from my pre-op consults, prescriptions, instructions, compression bra, to the nurse at the hospital who volunteered what a meticulous (and kind) surgeon Dr. Callaghan is, to the post-op telephone call I received to see how i was managing and to give advice on pain management. In my previous surgery, I received none of this type of care--and he is a well known PS in town.
Like everyone else, I wonder if I will be too big or too small. I wonder how much swelling there actually is (I gained an immediate 8 lbs after surgery--only 1.5 lbs can be attributed to increase volume of implants). I am anxious to take the bandages off, anxious for things to settle. My post op appointment is in three more days and I want to get a better look! I just looked at my "before" photo, taken the morning of surgery. My husband must really love me! NEVER once was there ever any pressure or expectation that I would change. I would be lying if I didn't say that I was excited to see how things are all gonna turn out. It will be nice to have some approximation of symmetry and not feel a little bit "deformed"...and yeah, I am excite that I will have "a little bit more!"
Writing this, I see that this has in fact been a bit of an emotional "trip" over the last number of years...So glad I finally have the right kind of supportive people around me to help me out!

only taking ex-strength tylenol for pain now, seem to be flushing surgical water weight out of my system. I am uncertain as to how much i am swollen now but still optimistic about my results.

Maybe it's the meds leaving my body, maybe it's the accumulated anxieties we all have when undergoing breast augmentation but I think I need to cry today and let it all go. I was thinking about our three daughters, aged 21, 15 and 14. They will all probably be tall, slender, average B cup women, or so it appears now, and so would their genetics suggest. I think they are all so beautiful in their own unique, God-given ways. Obviously, on one level, I would understand if they made choices to alter their bodies but on another level, I would be so sad for them. I would wonder why they don't see their own beauty, why they weren't happy with how God made them. I would wonder why they didn't expect people to look past any perceived imperfections and just "love" them for who they are. It gave me such a different perspective when I thought of my daughters...

I do believe our bodies are temporary, but here I am obsessing and yearning to be an ideal that I will surely still find fault with. One person's "ideal", if you can ever really "get" there, is the opposite of the next person's "ideal". I think this is where I was at 15-16 years ago, when I had decided to pull out of having a BA altogether but responded to someone else's need for me to be different than how I was. I am so grateful that in my remarriage my husband's primary concern has always sincerely been about how I feel about me. He understands that attraction extends beyond the cosmetic and for years now has consistently shown desire for me with my two, aging mismatched breasts, one ruptured and the other just aging and sagging and probably poorly augmented to begin with. It sure makes me appreciate him. I know that I would neither love nor desire him more if he altered his body.

So given my feelings, why didn't i just have the ruptured and remaining implants simply removed, instead of replaced? I guess there are a few reasons. My husband and I met in our mid 40s. I love him dearly. He never knew me when i was a young woman. He never watched me go through the normal progression a woman's body goes through. He just met it "middle aged". Although previously married, he has very little intimate experience with women. He is a gentleman and a sincere and gentle person whose goal with women was never about seeing how quickly he could "bed" them. I feel like I want to be all those things he didn't experience before.

Also, I have spent the last 5-6 years with a ruptured implant on one side of my rib cage. Sometimes I din't care, but often, especially as I lost weight, I felt a bit obvious and deformed. I augmented one sidewith rubbery/silicone forms from Wal-mart, but it is nerve-wracking to sit poolside and wonder if one is going to fall out and see who notices. Buying bras was an absolute nightmare--to be a wonky c-cup on one side and a saggy baggy A/B cup on the other...for so long. I think it will be nice to feel like I have fuller breasts one last time before I enter into full "over the hill" mode. My experience with the first augmentation was so far from satisfactory, which had more to do with a PS disregarding his patient than me being demanding and an ex husband who was always unsatisfied with who I was, on every level.

Maybe it is also a race against the clock, a quest for life and vibrancy. I spent so many very unhappy years in my life and now that I do have a greater depth of peace inside, I want to make up for so much lost time and grab my life and finally, fully enjoy it. In the whole scheme of life's issues, breasts aren't really that important but there is no mistaking that looking your best helps you FEEL your best. It is great to be with someone who appreciates me, and I want to give him more of me to appreciate! It is just important to have other pursuits in life and for the past several weeks, this obsession with having this revision is becoming just that: obsessive. I want to heal, buy some pretty bras, and move on, taking care of myself and my family. I am trying to let go of "what cup size will I be" and just hope for fuller, well placed, age appropriate and pretty breasts. Healing can't happen fast enough.

I have to say, I am not sure that I would put myself through this again. I made this choice freely this time and I am sure I will not regret it but I am doubtful that I would ever do it again. I think it is time to start relating to myself differently.