It was my dream of long time but now my body and...
It was my dream of long time but now my body and mind is in ruins. I had a large tattoo of a bird done on my shoulder blade (black and browns) and it has taken a hold of me like the reaper himself. The past 3 weeks have been a nightmare. I weep like I have lost a dear family member, unable to feel joy, food is not amazing and every morning is a struggle to get up and not get upset.
I'm slowly taking the steps to get myself back together all though everyday is a new battle for me. I've researched all over the internet to learn more about the possible tattoo removal methods... But as I researched I also learned that my artist had used WHITE.
My whole world fell apart on that... I just need to get it out. I just simply can't live with it, there's just no way.
I'm desperate for any method at this stage but I'm still forced to wait until September to get started with laser removal.. I decided to join this forum after reading your writings and hopefully I'll get to where the silver outlining is with this whole fiasco...
I guess I could just put it out there... So that's the bird that needs to fly away~
Also I'm still struggling on deciding which treatment to go through. All though picosure seems crazy amazing I'm not sure it's the right one for me since my browns are more reddish and warm... And solid black lines seems respond better with Q-switched. My options are nd yag Q-switched or Asclepion laser that has both q switch and ruby laser build in. Other option would be picosure that's in Norway... Other two I mentioned are in my country. I have consultation for the two places here in my country next month.
Hi guys... I had a pretty rough day today. I've done my best to get out and not let this thing cripple me... But it doesn't really help seeing all these beautiful people with their beautiful skin. I keep going back to the day I had my tattoo done, re-living it in a way where I walked out... But that makes me even more tired. I never knew I was so attached to my outer appearance...
The worst thing is I've lost myself. All this quilt that I feel has detached from the reality. I just don't who I am... I feel like I've been exciled and that there is no place for me to go to. Crazy, right? I'm still me but I keep having these up and downs and it's taking a toll me. So... If anyone out there is reading this I would like to ask you if you had the need to search for other kind of help in addition to laser treatments. I've started thinking about it and I'm positive that I need to do my best to not let this thing take over and destroy all the beautiful things I have in my life. So my question would be... Have any of you guys had to go through theraphy and/or medication to get yourself through it? Sorry for the gloomy question but it would be really helpful to here how you guys experienced it.
I have so much to be thankful for. I have the most caring, patient and gentle partner. He's pretty amazing for putting up with me. That is why I'm willing to take any road necessary to protect that I have and to not obsess over what I have lost. It is only skin, loving, caring and living skin.
Pact testing colors next month!
Today I received a confirmation email from the removal clinic telling me that they'll be willing to do patch testing on my tattoo when I go there for my consultation. This'll give me several weeks in between to se whatever some parts can or can not be treated with laser. The next couple of weeks will most likely be the slowest, nerve wrecking and I'm losing some sleep already.
Also, thank your for sharing your honest opinions and experience with me. I believe it'll be all ahead of me and as I move to a different country again I will find some other help together with the laser to pull me through this all.
Everyday is a struggle and not understanding any of it yourself makes it so miserable. I'm still consumed by quilt and nostalgia but I'm trying my best. Sometimes simple things can bring joy, even on these days, like having jasmine flowers in your room. They were picked up by friend's father, already in his granda age, from his very own garden.
Yesterday was a great day. I met friends that I haven't seen for more than a year and we had big BBQ party. I was relieved to feel joy again!
Soo good things are also happening... But mornings still seem to be such a challenge. I'm still fightning agains the reality, seeing nightmares and waking up so, so tired... When I do wake up all I can do is sigh deeply and try my best to push it away. And then I feel the quilt and sadness crushing in..
Sorry for negative shift here, but I guess I'm just kinda writing as I go. I just used to be a morning person... But now it is definitely the worst part of the day.
Dreams of fading
I believe I'm finally starting to see some hope in the horizon. It has been so hard trying to deal with all of these things... And I have upset people around me by not being who I am, not having the same strength and energy that I normally do.. And I'm sure I'll fall even from here on but I will move forward.
Last night I dreamed about my tattoo.. In my dream it was not black anymore, not brown anymore but it was reddish, blurry and kinda hard to make out what it really was. It seems to me that my mind has decided to not let it have such a power over me as it has so far and that's what the dream was about.
Now if only this dream will become true in real life too...
Another point of view in the middle of all this mess
I got no new pictures or anything grand to tell you guys... But I just wanted tell all of you having to go through this... It'll be the worst and the best thing that ever happened to you. This is how I see it at this stage. I've been forced to face all of my greatest fears and unfortunate past that I thought I had come in terms with and allthough it doesn't feel fair at all I will make sure to pull it off and look awesome while doing it.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just live with the tattoo but I know this is not possible. The reason for this is because it is not who I am. I feel that this picture was forced on me and that it has too much negative energy in it. I feel that the only way to make things right is to get the ink out. It is the only way. So I'm up for an adventure, that's for sure.
I hope your adventure will be a safe and successfull one. :)
1st treatment already!?
So here's the deal... I went for consultation and I decided to switch the place where I'll have my tattoo treated. Why? She has 9 years of experience and her plan was to treat the blacks first. We did couple of test spots on browns and two of them turned darker... So I'm really glad that I didn't go with the other lady, who was going to treat the whole thing at once. Once the dense black has gotten lighter we'll start treating the whole tattoo and I'm sure by then we've had a chance to experiment with the browns enough we'll know what to do excactly.
So I had one treatment... One tiny blister which went away in a day. But according to my therapist the colors reacted well and I'm having my R0 treatments on black 8th October. I won't post any pictures until it has been 2-3 weeks, I don't think there is any point really, it's not like I see results that quickly... But it seems that my skin is really quick to heal. :) New skin is aready pushing the dead skin out and it's not scabbing!
One color down!
Hi! I'm super excited because my tattoo has done lot of lightening already! It seems one of the flesh tones responds super well! It's already back to my skin color! But other brown did turn darker, but it's getting lighter too again! Some of the dense black is getting lighter too, there was so much of that black there that my skin is just shedding... Like a lot. But still no scabbing!
Here they recommend to use a ointment called Hirudoid Forte for 2 weeks after your treatment. It's a cream that improves your circulations. Sauna is also a good thing, that's also good for your circulation. I also have an access to lymphatherapist and it seems to do a lot too... I've had 3 treatments after my tattoo removal and I'm quite surprised how much change there seems to be after only a week! Oh, and I decided to use couple of times cocoa butter if my skin felt reaaaaaally dry. I love that stuff~
On my way to 2nd treatment
I'm finally updating! My life has been up and downs and I never know what's going to happen the next day. I've tried my best to ignore the tattoo but I haven't been too successful. Guilt is still the worst part of it and sometimes I'm overwhelmed by it. It seems that I'm still able to do my job though as I was caught off by surprise when a leaving customer stopped and told me that you sure are a one happy girl. I was quite taken back as I don't feel like I'm that person anymore but before I knew it I answered him that "Why wouldn't I be when the world is full of happiness".
Now that's when I stopped to think. That's how I used to think. No matter what I would always look on bright side and just keep going. Why would I choose now different because some tattoo on mt back? I'm still beyond pissed at my artist as he couldn't follow my wishes at all. It makes it easier when my partner tells me, that I really wasn't hard to understand and that it was just he really wasn't listening to me. He was just going with his vision. He was there with me when it was done and he's helping me pull through. Also with the nasty part of it (he helps with putting on the ointment and so on). But to let a an a-hole, who doesn't give a s*it about what happened then and now control my life...? Now that's insanity.
As for the tattoo itself, the most dense and biggest lines are still dense as ever. There's only little breakage at the throat but I'm pleased with the right wing. It was lighter to begin with but it's looking so much better. I decided to try and ignore the tattoo as much as possible between the treatments so I'm not documenting it all (just right before my next treatment). I'm still wondering about the dark brown though... Like I said in my earlier update one of the test spots turned purple and it pretty much stayed that way. But the same color with the base of the right wing turned the same color but if you look at the pictures you can clearly see that it's doing some serious fading.
Now I'm off for a job interview and then to the airport! My treatment is tomorrow in the morning. Wish me luck!
Post treatment #2
Back in business so to say. I had R0 treatment done last week but only with 2 rounds. According to my technician all the browns could have taken one more round but she decided that it was enough since the black was getting irritated. I got blisters all over it but only small ones. They were all gone in 4 days. My technician was quite surprised when I told her I barely blistered the first time though, because she used to pretty high settings.
The end of the tail and right wing did not blister at all and they don't seem to be doing any peeling either. The rest of the bird is peeling though (itchy!!). Unlike the original plan we went through the whole bird except for that little swirl with white ink in it. Also the dark brown right around that same swirl did not have too much of a reaction, if any. The rest of the browns did react, that's what she told me. So I'm not sure. She was worried if he had used any UV-ink because if he had she couldn't possibly remove it. She told me that that type of tattoo got really popular once and then there was nobody wanting to get them anymore... So some places bought those inks really cheap and tattooed people like it was regular ink. Wow. But I'm pretty sure this is not the case with mine since the place I went to was a pretty good, more of an art gallery to be honest, so I'd say I don't need to worry about that. She then told me that it could just be a matter of adjusting the spot size to make it react like the rest of it reacting. Who knows? At any rate I'm now going through healing process, it's super dry and itchy as hell but cocoa butter and damp, cold towel helps. :) The earliest I can go for next round would the first week of December. I haven't decided yet what to with that because I keep going back and forth on having or not having a picosure treatment done on me. I contacted a place offering that and their answer was that it's probably not worth the trip as picosure doesn't do well on reds and my tattoo is basicly black and brown (brown having lot of red pigment in it). So perhaps it is best to stick with nd yag Q switch for now, possibly have ruby laser at some point if it seems need some boosting. I just don't know. :/ It's so hard because it is only the beginning and there's no way of speeding up the process... Oh, I just hope it's not done too deep.