Ok.....(breathe)......I'll Share my Story with You - Melbourne, AU

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At the age of 4 I was told “Don’t play with us bec...

At the age of 4 I was told “Don’t play with us because your nose looks funny”. From the age of 4 up until 16 years of age it was a daily torment from kids of all ages from neighbours, kids at church, school was a given, sport team, summer holiday camps. It was a good day if I didn’t cry and panic.
If I was to walk into a room, kids would scream “It’s the nostril girl”. Even the teachers laughed. I was the tallest in my year by far so I couldn’t hide entirely.
At the age of 8 I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up, and cried when my eyes opened every morning. I was told by my parents to “walk away from the bullying”. I did that - and they followed, throwing basketballs at my face “seeing if they can fix the problem” and break my nose into a different shape for me. On average I was harassed and bullied 3 times per day by different groups depending where I was.
At age 9 I went to see a plastic surgeon, she didn’t want to proceed with the surgery because my nose hadn’t finished growing yet and there could be a possibility of it looking worse. My mother and I left the surgeons office and I sat in the car in shock, then screamed. I screamed because the surgeon said “Oh your nose is cute and there’s nothing wrong with it”. I screamed because I couldn’t escape this nightmare of a life, I was stuck. I screamed because I was so miserable and couldn’t see the brighter side to life. I screamed because I couldn’t understand why people were cruel before getting to know who I was. I screamed because the last thing I wanted to do was ever hurt anyone. I screamed because I was damaged. I screamed because the bullying was everywhere - kids who I’d never met before, at a public BBQ would make fun of me when I left my mothers side because she said “Go play with the kids”. I screamed because I saw the world as a disgusting, judgemental and vicious place. I screamed because struggled to see where I fit in.

I learnt to not speak or be centre of attention and sit in the corner where it was safe. Learnt very quickly to not say the word “nose” in any conversation. To this very day, I do not say the word ‘nose’. Ever. I dyed my hair blonde at the age of 11 and started to accentuate my eyes with makeup and pale lips (darker lips balanced my face too much and brought focus to my nose) - so the only focus was my eyes and hair. Developed an eating disorder (so I had control of something right?) In effect this made the girls more catty lol. “They’re only jealous” I’d hear….jealous of what exactly?
As a teenager any polite conversation with anyone innocently stating “oh you look lovely today” I would change the topic onto them and never talk about me, especially how I looked. Stood at the back when taking a photo using the excuse of “Tall people stand at the back” to my advantage. I was in heaven when I found editing programs to digitally blur out my features in photographs.
When I’m in photograph I don’t see anything else except how obvious my nose is and have a silent battle in my head every time someone takes a photo.

Now I’m 32.

Successful business owner and about to build my dream home - they couldn’t bully away my intelligence could they ;)
And today 28th July 2016, about to walk into a surgeons office again for the first time in 23 years. Uncomfortable with the thought that the main focus and topic of conversation is about something I’ve trained myself daily to avoid for over 2 decades. See there I go again avoiding the word. The topic of conversation is my nose. I feel dramatic saying that I worry about the receptionist looking at my face because that’s why I’m there. I feel uncomfortable knowing that I need to talk about it to my surgeon and re-train my brain to talk about something (argh lol my nose) without panic. In other words I feel very exposed. Conveniently numb nonetheless.
Ok.....I can do this…..
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