So Glad I Put all my Hope in Dr Pontell - Media, PA

I have been meaning to update for a while now but just didn't have the words or clarity to do it. I now feel ready to explain how things are going for me. :)

Prior to my revision, I had prepared myself for the physical side of the healing process: I was prepared to be in pain and have lots of swelling - after all, this was my second surgery and much more complex in nature than my first. And sure enough, I had some pain and some swelling; but not nearly as much as I had with my first botched surgery. It was literally the complete opposite of my first surgery. It truly is amazing if you really think about it.

I figured that once my nose was "fixed" - I would become who I used to be once again. I thought that things would just fall back into place right away and I could and would move on. I was so focused on what had to be done - the surgery, the money, and the healing. I just wanted a second chance, a redo. I wanted to fix my mistake.

You see, I had placed a gigantic amount of blame on myself for actually choosing the monster who botched my nose in the first place. Sure, he is an incompetent, irresponsible, greedy, bad BAD person - and THAT isn't my fault. But, I was the one who CHOSE him. I trusted him with my body - put myself willingly into a completely vulnerable position. I had convinced my loved ones that I was safe and was making a sound decision. I was spending a HUGE chunk of money as well. And I did all of this - essentially, blindly. The fact that it turned out to be the worst decision of my life - devastated me. It crippled me, really. I was forced to mourn not only my face and the loss of my self-confidence, but the loss of my belief that I was safe and able to gauge and determine dangerous situations. I felt that I had failed myself.

Now that I have been restored physically I am so very grateful. It does make a HUGE difference to my quality of life that my nose is no longer crooked, dented, bizarre- looking and pointy. I no longer have the physical reminder of my mistake sitting in the middle of my face.

I am still moving through aspects of emotional healing that I can now see are going to take some time to work through. I still occasionally have flashes of post traumatic stress. When I was going through the worst of it last year, the way I would describe it to people who didn't understand was that it felt like what I would imagine it would feel like to wake up one morning, and realize that you were drunk driving the night before and you hit and killed an entire family. I know that sounds dramatic, and perhaps not in direct correlation with the reality of my situation at the time – it certainly didn't make logical sense. But that is honestly the level of regret and anxiety that I was living with. It was harsh and dark to say the least. I am happy to report that I no longer have that anxiety – I can sleep in peace again. I can look in the mirror again with the lights on. I can laugh and smile and live. It truly is a second chance.

Is my nose perfect now? No. Is my life perfect now? No. But I am ok with that. :)

Just a quick update: am feeling great and am LIVING again!!!!! I have decided to post some photos although I only have the before's ready to go. I'm experiencing a kind of psychological block in taking pix of my new nose - I think because of the trauma from last time - I took a ton of photos, perhaps trying to come to terms with what I was left with and trying to find some rhyme or reason as to why it looked the way it did. There is a big irrational part of me that is scared of taking pix of myself now. But, when I look in the mirror I am soooo happy and relieved. I am planning to get my hair cut soon and jazz myself up a bit for spring. I actually went out this past weekend and felt so confident and had such a nice time.
I still think everyday about all of the people I have corresponded with who remain devastated and who are going through the kind of trauma that I went through and worse. I understand on such a visceral level the grief and anguish. I want to help them all and take away their pain and suffering. I am so blessed to have found my way through all this and I realize how fortunate I really am.
Anyway - sending love and support to you all!! I'll keep you updated and post pix when I can..
:)

Things seem to be going well thus far. I still have a lot of snot pouring out of my nose most of the day and some pain but nothing too bad.
My ear is still pretty sore though. The stitches came out on Monday and I snapped a shot of them right before they came out to show you guys. Note that there is some ointment on it so it looks pretty goopy.
Anyway, I was very stressed and scared to get my stitches out because of my horrifically painful experience the first time - however, it was basically a breeze this time. Dr. Pontell is super gentle and has such a steady hand. I was thoroughly impressed.