Rhinoplasty/Septoplasty/Turbinate Reduction & Alar Rim Reconstruction - 4mos post-op

I'm 52 now, but I clearly remember being a teenager and hating my nose. It was uglier than everyone else's in my family, because I somehow had not only a long nose, but it also had a big bump, a droopy tip, and huge nostrils. I was even called "Mr. Ed" on occasion. (A talking horse on TV... for those of you too young to remember him!) So as soon as I had my first job with a steady income, the first thing I did was schedule a rhinoplasty.

But I was young, and this was 1985. Nobody I knew had a nose job. I never heard anyone even mention the word rhinoplasty, but I knew it existed. So on my own, I saved money and found a doctor. It ended up being a waste! First, because my family was very conservative and they de-emphasized physical attraction, and because I somehow thought vanity was a sin... I was too nervous to make big changes. I only requested that the bump be shaved, and that the bulbous tip be decreased in size.

I guess because no bones were going to be broken, the doctor used local anesthesia. I remember it vividly because I was in so much pain. Two nurses had to hold my shoulders and arms down because I couldn't stop writhing. I hated hearing the grating of the bone, and can still visualize it even today. During the surgery, I could hear the doctor giving instructions to someone... as it turned out, he didn't even perform the surgery, he was apparently a teaching surgeon! When it was all over, even with the bump and tip decreased, I still had a BIG nose.

Anyway, the story continues... I married, had a child, built a career, and divorced. I never thought about my nose during that time. So when I divorced and went back out into the world, I was shocked that when I tried to catch a man's eye, he would quickly look away. I felt invisible. Even now, I know that might be partly to do with my age, but something happened this past summer to bring all those "low self-esteem because of the nose" issues back to the stage.

I had to take 8 flights in a four-week period. I was traveling alone. I dressed casually, but with style, hair done, a little make-up, etc. All the flights were full, but in all cases, I was one of the first to board the planes. On all 8 flights, the seat next to me was empty. And stayed empty. Passenger after passenger would glance at me and keep on walking. If was one one or two flights, I wouldn't give it a second thought. But by the 3rd flight, it crossed my mind that there might be a reason for it. By the 8th flight, I was convinced. And a little depressed.

When the flights were over, I took pictures of my face from all angles, to see if I could see what all those strangers saw. I had avoided the camera my whole life, and even avoided mirrors to a degree, so let me tell you, I was shocked. I felt like I was looking at someone I didn't know. Someone I too, had avoided looking at. Two or three days later, when I went to try on new eyeglasses, the owner of the store (trying to make a sale, mind you) told me I looked like a Hapsburg. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I didn't know what she was talking about. I went home, googled it, and found it they were a royal European family that inter-married and were therefore deformed. Where? The nose, chin, and forehead.

I couldn't get those scenarios out of my mind, and then a whole host of memories from my teens and early twenties surfaced... things I hadn't thought about in 30 years. Things I had just buried. Like being told I looked manly. Being told I looked better without makeup, because makeup made me look like a drag queen.

Truthfully, in other aspects of my life I'm quite confident. Other people's perceptions generally don't bother me very much. And no matter what anyone said, I am mostly content with my looks. They reflect my heritage, and I'm fine with that. The only problem now is that I can't look in the mirror without seeing my nostrils. They are as large as my pupils from the side, and from the side I look angry, even when I'm not at all. That's what I think the strangers on the plane saw. Someone who looked unhappy. I don't blame them for not wanting to sit next to me. I would pass me by, too!

So I began the research on rhinoplasty in earnest, and ended up choosing Dr. Grigoryants in Glendale, CA. I like him, and I like his work. I was pretty well-versed in what I wanted in a nose job, so my consultation went smoothly, in that he and I agreed on the areas of improvement. Namely, the columella needs to be raised, the alar rims reduced (a graft from the ear will be needed for my right nostril), the dorsal hump removed, the bridge narrowed, and the tip refined. Oh! And my deviated septum will be corrected as well. (Virtually no air passes through the right nostril.)

I absolutely can't wait for the big day. I think subconsciously, the feeling of being ugly and not worth approaching by most men is a deep and painful psycho-emotional wound. I feel confident in Dr. Grigoryants ability, and am not nervous about the surgery at all. On the other hand, I don't know what life will be like for me as a single woman in my 50's with a feminine nose. For this reason, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching so that my expectations are as realistic as possible:

Ultimately, I am doing this for myself. I'm a woman, and I want to look like one. I feel feminine on the inside, and want to look it on the outside. I don't feel like this surgery will bring about a new me, so much as it will reveal the real me. This nose feels more and more like a mask every day, and I can't wait to take it off.