I realized that I didn't being posting until 19 days post-op! So I've copied my computer entires & listed below. I'll do this in 2 or 3 posts so they won't be dreadfully long.
Deflation Day: (Thursday, January 29, 2016)
I woke up unphased. I knew I was doing what I needed to do and had very little emotion about it. I put on a plunging neckline top and make up and went shopping for the smallest zip up sports bra I could find. The smallest I cold find was a medium. I
I drove to the doctor’s office and, again, felt little emotion; it was a regular day and a regular drive. When I stopped at the red light in front of the hospital I had “butterflies”; I was getting nervous. I felt my eyes start to water as I pulled in the parking lot. I shook it off and took my first (and last) selfie ensuring that I was showing plenty of cleavage. BTW, I do not like selfies, but this one turned out surprisingly good. Rob & I walked inside. My breathing was heavier & I was fighting tears. I kept my mind on the goal of feeling better. And then I started thinking…”you haven’t felt THAT bad. Why are you doing this?”
Before I knew it I was in the room. The nurse gave me a gown and left the room. I broke into tears as I took my shirt off. I didn’t want to remove my bra as this would be the last time I could fit into it. I mustarded up the courage and took it off. I grabbed my cell phone and took 2 last pictures of my almost perfect, fake breasts. I pulled myself together just before the doctor entered the room.
Dr. Whiteman took one glance at me and immediately recognized my stress & anxiety. He helped calm me as we talked about options, expectations and other general questions & concerns. He also told me that he did not have to deflate them since I had the card stating what implants I had. I chose to go for the deflation anyway so I would know what I looked like. I wanted to back out. Every fiber of my being was telling me not to do it, but my mind was set. I was sticking to my plan.
We went to a different room that had a dentist like chair. I sat down & continued to stop myself from crying, eventhough I was failing. I wish I would have taken one last look. I don’t know why I didn’t. I kept my eyes shut as the doctor explained what was going to happen. Then I felt the needle for the ladocain. I started crying more. The nurse told me to keep my hands by my side. As I did,I dug deep and calmed my mind. Suddenly I felt like my chest was heavy. This was shocking because every anecdotal review I read talked about women feeling lighter. Then, it felt like medical tape pinching & rubbing my skin. I ignored it all as they talked about the cc’s. They emptied 350 cc’s from my left breast & 450 cc’s from my right. This was unbeleiveable for me. My original surgery was 400 cc’s in the left (because it was always slightly smaller) and 375 cc’s in my right. I didn’t dwell on this as the deed was done. It was time to get dressed and go to pre-op. This was the hardest part. I had to put my bra back on.
I did not, I could not, look down. I barely felt my chest with my hand. Nohting was there. Nothing. I began crying uncontrollably. “What have I done?” was all I could think. Again, I gathered the courage to put on my bra. I still could not look. I put on my shirt & opened my eyes. My shirt that was snug against my chest 15 minutes earlier now fell like a drape. I had no cleavage. My giant bra provided some padding with the air that filled it, but not enough to stick our farther than my stomach…a well-toned, flat stomach!
I tried to stop crying again in order to check out and go to pre-op, but the tears kept falling. The tears fell whether I ws hysterical or composed. They would not stop. I made it through pre-op. I could feel what I thought was the tape pulling & poking my skin. It was more than uncomfortable at times. As we finished pre-op, I went to the bathroom. I pulled my shirt open just enough to reveal the top portion of my chest. It was concave. I could look no further. I cried more. I cried harder. And, once again I pulled myself together to walk to the car.
I did not make eye contact with anyone on the way out of the building. Rob & I had walked in silence as I I was not able to talk. About halfway to the car, he asked me if I was going to be ok. I cried harder and shook my head “no”. I sat in the car and cried harder & louder than I have in my entre life. I hyperventilated. I could not talk. I continued to ask myself silently, “What have you done?”, “Why did you do this?” I told myself, “You should have waited another year or two”, “You were not really ready for this”, “You were not bad enough to have this done at this time.”
A 30 minute car ride. Pure Hell! Would the rest of my life be the same? Would I adapt? Could I be happy with this new, possibly deformed body? I finally asked Rob what they looked like. He described them as a deflated balloon. I asked if they were concave. “Yes” was all he said and I immediately started crying hysterically again. Conversation over.
We pulled into the garage. Rob gathered everything out of the car. I only had a grocery sack with some Tylenol & lotion. I couldn’t get out of the car. I just sat there with the bag. I began crying one last time. I heard Rob coming back to the car so I quickly got out, took a deep breath & stopped crying…again. I am not a victim. I did this to myself (both times). I need to behave as a well adjusted adult.
A million unstable thoughts flooded my brain as I walked into the house. These thoughts quickly turned to regret. I 100% regretted my actions. I have ruined my body. I ruined my body 13 years ago when I had the implants. There was NOTHING wrong with my breast then. It is true that they were not voluptuous, but I had them. I had enough to sport cleavage in a swim suit. I had enough for a slightly curvy figure. Now I have nothing. I look down and my chest is as flat as my 8 year old daughter. Correction. Mine is flatter than my 8 year old daughter’s because mine is CONCAVE!
I ate lunch and had 15 minutes before the kids returned home from school. It was now or never; I needed to see them. I did not tell Rob what I was going to do. I went alone to the bedroom. I was finally calm. I was ready to see. For some strange reason, it physically hurt to remove my shirt. I still thought it was the bandage tape. I looked at myself in my D cup bra. It wasn’t terrible. The bra covered everything. I poked the top of the bra & it caved in over the air. This was surreal. Did I really do this> Do I really look like this?
Finally, I unhooked the bra and let it drop. I am hideous. The top portion of my chest looks the same. It pokes out slightly from my muscle development. Then it sinks in. It sinks in deep. Imigine a ski slope jump, except right before the curve up to the end, the mountain falls inward. My shriveled up nipple sits in the curve of the ski slope. I can clearly see the edges of the silicone bag that is left; it is providing me with the only volume I have. I can see the implant valve on the lateral side of my breasts. It looks lumpy; it feels like it is cutting through my skin (especially on the left side). It hurts. It’s not suppsed to hurt. It’s supposed to be “uncomfortable”. No, it hurts. I
I decide to put the tiny sports bra on. Rob walks in and helps me. It doesn’t fit. This tiny bra is too big! I am that small. The bra makes it hurt worse. I decide to wrap it in an ace bandage & I lie on the bed and text some friends. During this time they begin hurting worse. I’m crying again, but not hysterically. Rob come in again & I decide to wrap them differently. I used an under/over, across the chest method which lifts the bag. It required 2 wraps (one for each side). I put the bra back on and the pain, for the most part, stopped.
I was able to eat dinner and watch some tv. I fell asleep in the recliner around 8:30pm. I hope and pray that I can get through this. I pray for the emotional and mental strength that one needs to overcome a physical deformity. I pray that this does not drive me into depression and that it does not ruin my family life nor my marriage. If it does, it is my fault and my fault alone. I made the choice for implants and I made the choice to remove them at this time.
Friday, January 30, 2016
I slept well thanks to Xanax. Rob let me sleep and he got the kids to school. “Normal” morning… we ate breakfast, he did some work and I told him to go to the gym. I decided to stay home and do some light yoga. I was feeling pretty good and then my Mom called. I started crying before I could even answer. I knew that she would be concerned & curious how I was and that sent me over the edge. I answered and could only give one word respnces, either yes or no. I finally had all I could take and was able to say, “I have to go, buy.” And I hung up the phone.
I was able to calm down and continue the yoga. It made me feel better. Rob came home & we ate salads for lunch. I was soooo thirsty today too. All was going okay (not well but I wasn’t crying so I consider that good) until Rob decided to take a shower. I told him I didn’t want him seeing how horrible I looked even though he watched my boobs deflate in the doctor’s office. He got in the shower first and then I did. The water felt horrible. It was irritating and hurt slightly. I quickly got out of the shower and I was in tears again. I curled up on the bed in fetal position and bawled for about 15 or 20 minutes. The kids were to be home shortly so I pulled myself together. I was going to just stay in the room for the rest of the day when Rob came in and told me the kids were asking about me. At this point, I got mad. Mad at myself for my reaction to something that I had been planning for months. I went into the bathroom and started putting on make up. Before I knew it I was figuring out what clothes I could wear to disguise my 14 year old boy chest. I put on a pink shirt with an infinity scarf, tight jeans and high healed boots. Then I surprised Rob by saying we were going shopping & out to eat!
I felt better. I felt almost normal. I could see ME in the mirror instead of a depressed, pathetic, unattractive 40 year old looser. I was VERY conscious of my chest, but did my best to keep the scarf in place so they would be covered. It worked and we were able to have a normal night followed by a normal weekend.
Tuesday, Feb 2, 2016
I’ve been the same since Friday night. No tears. No pain. I am uncomfortable. I don’t want anyone to see my gruesome chest. It is concave. My nipples are wrinkled. My skin is saggy & you can see the shells through my skin. I’ve taken pictures every day for documentation. I don’t want to forget this!
Monday, Frb 8th
Not much change. My emotions are normal. I’ve been trying to stay calm & prep the house. My breasts look some better, but they still look really bad. I’ve taken pics most days. My right side feels almost normal. It’s soft again & you can barely feel the shell. My left breast is really bad. It is lumpy & more concave. You can still see and feel the shell. It is also more sensitive than the right; but it’s been that way since implantation. However, it’s VERY sensitive! So much that showers are uncomfortable. I’m hoping I can stay calm & relaxed tomorrow. Going to try to tie everything up tonight!
Tuesday, Feb 9th
I wanted today to be relaxing, calm and pampering. It was anything but! Nothing went as planned. I had way too many thing to try to finish prior to surgery. Rob was on the phone all day, so he was no help. The kids were wound up when they got home which sent me even more over the edge. Long story short…nothing went right. I became very anxious & upset, which was the exact opposite of where I wanted to be. I finally took a Xanax around 6pm and gave up. At this point, I had to force myself to calm down so I wouldn’t screw up the surgery. My parents arrived earlier than expected and we all went to bed by 10pm. I was able to sleep well thanks to the drugs!
Wednesday, Feb 10th
I woke up in a sheer panic at midnight (on the dot). I was hungry but chose not to eat & follow instructions. Luckily I was able to go back to sleep easily. However, I woke up again at 4:30am and was wide awake. I did my best to fall back asleep, but it would not happen. 5:30am came & the alarm went off. I took my last shower for a few days & got in the car. Everything was ready for the ride home. I stayed calm by listening to beach music on the ride. We arrived precisely on time, 6:30am, and checked in. I was immediately taken to the pre-op room and greeted by a very happy, morning-person nurse. She and the following nurses were all great. They were nice & cheerful and wanted to make me comfortable and calm. I was much more relaxed than I had anticipated. Pre-op was the full 1 ½ hours. I kept checking my facebook post where many of the breast implant illness ladies were sending me well wishes. The support of these strangers helped emensely! I met the anesthesiologist, a woman possible from the Carribean< and I loved her. She understood about nausea & motion sickness and gave me an ear patch to help with that. Then Dr. Whiteman came in shortly. He was fully focused and fast, but he did answer my questions. However, we went through them so fast that I neglected to write down the answers. He just kept saying that I would be great/ fine. Another nurse walked me to the opersting room. There I met a new nurse and the anesthesiology aide. They helped me lay on the table and covered me with warm blankets. I looked at the ceiling for a few seconds. I don’t remember anything else. The next memory was in the recovery room. I was lying on the stretcher with O2 mask on my face. I remember slowingly moving my hands & feet (like reawakening in yoga) and slowly moving my head. The nurse told me I had been “out” for 50 minutes! As I came too she helped me to a wheel chair and took me to the second recovery room. There another nurse (who I didn’t really like) was there. Thankfully, she was only there about 5 minutes and my original nurse came back from her lunch break. She was much nicer, had a good bedside manner and helped me stay calm. I was smiling & felt good. I stayed in receovery for about 45 minutes and it was time to go.
I get into the car & start feeling woosy. Then I overheat & start sweating. By this time the car is in motion & I am dizzy. Everything is spinning or rocking. I get very nauseated. It was 25 degrees outside, but I had to roll the windows down for most of the 30 minute ride! Rob was freezing!! Each time I tried having the windows up, I would get sicker. Once I got home & layed in bed, I felt better. And I was fine for the rest of the night. Calm, happy & amazingly well for the surgery I had. Everyone was so surprised at how well I was doing. I drank a lot of Gatoraid, ate jello & chicken soup. The recovery nurse called to check on me and she was so sweet! That night I did not sleep well because I was so itchy and uncomfortable. But thankfully I was not in pain.
Thursday, Feb 11th:
Once again, I was doing very well. So much better than I could imagine. The incision & the tubes did not bother me. I was able to eat. I drank pleanty of water. I was able to walk around and I napped when I was tired. The kids did get too loud when they got home & that was hard for me. The stimulation was too much. Thankfully it didn’t last long. That night I checked my banadages & decided they needed to be changed since the left one was still very wet looking. I attempted to remove them, but they were stuck like glue. After calling the after hours number, we taped them back up and left them alone. I hope that was the right thing to do. The bad thing is all of this interrupted my zen-like state & my anxiety set in. I had to take a Xanax. ?
Friday, Feb 12th
The morning was pretty good. I was more tired today & could tell that I did not have the positive energy that I had in the days before. I still remained calm & mostly pain free. That night my stomach stated hurting terribly from not having gone to to the bathroom since Tuesday! I also developed a headache and my shoulders & neck started to hurt badly.
Saturday, Feb 13th:
I woke up with an even worse headache & nausea. This was off and on throughout the day. Mom came over & cleaned the house, washed my hair and massaged my back, neck & shoulders. This helped more than anything. I finally broke through the headache! I was exhausted all day. I fell asleep around 7:30pm & slept until 10pm then went to sleep at 11:30pm. I did finally have a BM which was wonderful & made me feel some better.
Sunday, Feb 14th
Woke up at 7am with my shoulder killing me so much that I was not able to go back to sleep. I got up and paced around the house. Walking seemed to help. Sitting made it worse. I was able to eat breakfast, take a ½ bath, wash off with baby wipes and change clothes. I didn’t need any pain meds, but had to take tylonal ES due to fever. I can’t seem to break the fever. The only pain I had was when I insinctvely caught michael’s chair as he pushed it backward. It took my breath away. I could feel it to the center of my body. Anyway, it took a while for me to receover, but I did eventually start feeling better. Morgan was very sweet trying to help me while I was trying to breathe.
Monday, Feb 15th
Woke up feeling pretty good, but that faded after about 2 hours. My fever went back up and I had fatigue again. I spent most of the morning trying to get ahold of the doctor’s office since my drains had drained less than 30cc’s in a 24 hour period since Saturday. I finally got the nurse and was able to schedule an apt for tomorrow. I’m so ready to get these drains out. They are very noticeable now. Uncomfortable. They make it hard to breathe. And I can’t move about very well because of them. Once again Michael hurt me by bumping into me while he was bouncing around.
Tuesday, Feb 16th:
Drains are coming out! I was excited, worried & attempting to remain calm. I anticipated waiting a long time to be seen since they were working me into the schedule. However, they called me back within 10 minutes of arrival. I took a tylonal with codine upon arrival. I think it was just starting to take effect by the time they started working on me. Beth, the nurse, started by removing the surgical dressings that I had tried to remove on Friday night. She took it right off with almost no pain. It did hurt when she removed the part that covered the drain tube. Once that was off, she snipped a stich that held the drain in place & pulled it out. Then she asked me to take a deep breath & she pulled the tube out. It came out very fast and did not hurt. I didn’t even feel it. But my chest felt very very tight from where the dressing was removed. She did the same with the right side, but I did feel the tube come out of the right side. It didn’t really hurt, but it felt very weird. She put “glue” & steri strips on my incisions and I was done. The doctor said everything looked good & I had more volume than he anticipated. I did not get a good look at them; I didn’t want to. I did have Rob take pictures so I could see them later. When I was latching my bra back, I noticed that it looked like my nipples were smaller. Not sure how I feel about that, but I think that they may fit my small size. At least I will not be “all nipple”.
I felt good, really good leaving. I did get sleepy on the ride home and layed in the recliner for a while once I got home. It wasn’t long before I developed a headache & my head was really hurting by night time.