The healing journey...

Soooooo... tomorrow morning is my very first consultation! I'm meeting with Dr. Wolfe -
http://www.realself.com/find/Colorado/Denver/Plastic-Surgeon/Andrew-Wolfe
And then Tuesday, is my second consultation. I'll be meeting with Dr. Campanile -
http://www.realself.com/find/Colorado/Denver/Plastic-Surgeon/Frank-Campanile

I'm nervous but excited! I suppose I don't know what I'm nervous about, so maybe just excited. My hubby has taken the next two days off in order to come with me, which is great to have his support. I'm not sure really if he agrees with my desires, but he's coming with and that's important, to feel like what I want is supported. He's shown a bit of hesitation, I admit, but it is an elective surgery and so I understand that there are many risks. Also, I have some health problems. My main one, is an autoimmune disease, that showed up in my life after another surgery I had nearly three years ago. No one could have ever predicted I'd develop it. And so, there is some fear, "Am I complicating things..." But I'm still young, and I've worked hard and I do believe I deserve to feel better about my body and generally more comfortable.

So, I can let go of the little things I might want to get nipped, tucked, sucked or lifted - haha. I believe I need this tummy tuck in order to continue to live an active life AND let go of the daily ridiculousness. I don't have to be a TEN, but being able to fit clothes well and be in proportion is fair. We shall see, we shall see.

I am married to my husband of 12 years, and we have three children. We are officially done with the baby making years! And I'm only 31, so that gives me a lot of years ahead of me. Even though there are risks, I also think that fear shouldn't stop me from living more fully. I want to get dressed or move about this world and my day - not expecting perfection, but not having to CONSIDER the hanging tummy. My soft pillow that has been a shelf for me to nurse my babies on, lol! It's warm and nice to touch. At my highest weight, I was around 330. I don't know exactly as I didn't get on the scale much. My weight was going up and up with my addiction and I was unable to stop it. People talk about your MIND having to change in order to stay at a healthy weight. I get that. But no matter how much work I did - I was unable to heal my addiction myself, I was unable to change those habits permanently. I wanted to figure out a way to do it "myself" - but I wasn't succeeding, I was just getting heavier and desperately trying to find a way to save myself before I reached the edge of the cliff and fell off. I wish people could understand that more. I didn't share the fact that I got surgery openly. Many people knew, many didn't. But hearing people talk about "easy way out" is hurtful. I don't care if you have lost weight before - being morbily obese is another animal. And I was too much for myself to even handle.

So, I self paid for a VSG. I got a verticle sleeve gastrectomy in 2010. I got sick with the first sign of my new autoimmune disease 3 weeks later. Set in devastation. I was put on steroids and have been on them ever since. I did lose weight, and so I am glad, but I never got even close to goal. But, I was out of the dangers that being obese brought me. And that in itself was a relief. Maybe the autoimmune disease would have come anyway. Maybe it was lurking and going to pounce, surgery or not. I can never know. But I don't think I should stop striving because of it.

So, a year after my surgery, I unplanned and unexpectedly got pregnant with my 3rd child. Hello weight gain! I didn't gain anything for the first 5 months pretty much, and then the last 5 months - hello 50 lbs! I was pretty surprised by that. My son recently turned a year old and here I am, losing weight, but not quite pre-pregnancy weight again. But close.

My belly is big and hangy and not only is it unattractive, but the way it feels is certainly different. Not round like it used to be, now it hangs, seemingly away from me and feels like a foreign object. When I jump around at the gym, and I workout a lot and enjoy it, it moves AFTER I do and yanks my midsection around and causes my back to ache. It's not cool. But, in a very odd way, I have some fears of letting it go. Very tiny fears and we shall see how those develop. Maybe because I've been heavy for as long as I can remember. Maybe it has protected me in a way... yes, I'm sure it has. Protected and shielded but also kept me from things I've wanted to experience, too. But no time for that, moving forward is my goal!

So, anyway, this intro has turned WAY long. My first two consultations are in the next two days. Figuring out childcare wasn't easy - with a baby, a half-day kindergardener and a full day elementary school kid. But I did, and I'm excited! I have one other surgeon I'd like to meet, but we will see what the next couple of days bring.

Oh! And to answer the questions that Realself has suggested:
- My motivation - Getting my groove? I can't say getting it back, I've never had an ideal body. But I'm more confident about myself, who I am, as ever and so I'm ready for my body to rise up and meet me. I'm done having children, and I want to live energetically with them, and my husband. Feel and be the positive energy that I want to flow throughout my life.

- I have considered plastic surgery for about 2 years now. Just lightly, pretty much thought of it as being impossible, something rich people do, too self indulgeant. But I lost weight, I've been fighting my disease with strength and courage. I am more active than ever. I now believe I deserve to have it done and that it is a real possibility if we can change things around to make it a priority.

- Things I've learned, I have a few things I'll have to add later. But mostly - I will not be someone else after surgery. My life won't change that much. I think it is a perk, I think some simple things will be easier, and that mindset, my mindset is what will bring the most change, and this is a lovely step and deserved assistance.

I had my two consultations earlier this week. I admit I left them both more confused than when I went in! I found both of the surgeons here on realself. One getting rave reviews and definitely one of the most popular surgeons in my state. The second, I found by chance on the realself sidebar, and after seeing photos of his Tummy tucks, I knew I had to meet him! I scheduled both appointments and nearly cancelled the other one I had set. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I saw both. I feel a slight inkling to get a 3rd opinion even, but truth be told, either of those doctors I would get excellent results from, I think.

One of the docs I was blown away by his office and staff. The other, I felt so very confident that he knew his stuff and had tons of experience. Both of them, really. I told them both I didn't want the body lift, they were both supportive. One didn't think I needed it anyway. The other suggested the fleur de lis TT. I agreed and thought that might be a possibility and didn't have a problem. The only issue I think I saw was, if I got the fleur, then the lift/augmentation was going to be scheduled for another time, possibly even the lipo I was wanting. I think he said he was just going to 'go easy' so we could preserve the blood flow.
The other doc seemed very confident that I'd get great results with a regular extended TT, lipo, lift and aug. It sure is tempting to get it all done at once. But frightening, too. PLUS, looks like there's a possibility that we'll schedule it for May. That's so soon - AND - my kids will be going on summer vacation soon after. Am I ready to have them home? Actually, they are wonderfully helpful, and they'd help with the baby for sure.

I tried on implants. I was vastly impressed with the silicone. Gosh, they feel wonderful. I also felt the gummy bears. I thought I would choose saline, so I'm surprised that now I'm all for the silicone.

If I go with one, I will get: Extended TT, lipo of the back and breast lift and augmentation. That will cost just over 18K.
If I go with the other one, I will get a fleur de lis Tummy Tuck with some lipo of back. Then I'll wait 6 months to a year to get a lift/augmentation through him or elsewhere.

I really left both with more questions and uncertainty. Not knowing which was right for me. People say go with my gut, but my gut could possibily be skewed and I'm not sure. I hope hoping a few nights sleep would bring clarity - they have not yet, haha.

I THINK I know which doctor I will go with. But what made it extra hard was my hubby disagrees. But he does support whichever I decide. One, I will stay at a hotel and possibly for the night if I feel the need. The other, I will be sent home with a home nurse. Kind of neat. But if I chose to stay at the hosp, then at least I would have all those nurses and staff at my beck and call.

If only I could see the after photos of myself LOL. I'd be willing to be open to other possibilities if I just felt it was truly worth the money or the wait or the pain. Argh! So tough.

But, I really want to make my appt by tomorrow or at least think over the weekend and schedule on Monday as I dont want all the days to be taken up. The further it's pushed into May, it will interfere with my beloved summer. I don't want that! Because then what I'll end up doing is pushing it into late October. Time wise, I think it's best. I will miss less. But I want to be healed - and therefore all this over with.

I'm up late because it's a time when I only have ME, no kids or chores or schedules to keep up with. I'm feeling lucky that I have this opportunity, but it certainly isn't an easy decision. I never thought I'd have the chance to consider it. So, I'm excited. But feeling so lost as what to do...

Guess what I did a couple of days ago? I booked my surgery date! Yep, it's true! I plonked down the deposit (or rather read my cc details over the phone), and I'm all booked. Wow. I honestly can NOT believe it's really going to happen, and so soon! I mean, I didn't think I'd ever have cosmetic surgery. And IF I did, I did not think it would be more than a TT. AND if I got a TT, I wouldn't have told you I'd think it would be THIS year! But the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Why not get this surgery done now, while I'm healthy rather than later. Who knows what might come later. I already have a few health issues (Autoimmune), things could possibly get worse. Or, who knows, money might be tight. Let's say I do NOT have any sickness or money issues on the horizon, but what Im saying is, I'm really pleased that I'm going to get it done. I'm nervous and scared and excited - but mostly want to be on the other side and fully enjoying an active life without letting the excess skin or insecurity about my shape hold me back. I don''t think it holds me back THAT much, but it will be wonderful not to have those added things. For things here and there to be easy. To not pull my pants up 50 times in a gym class. To not change my mind back and forth a bunch of times about the top I'm wearing - does it show too much back rolls? Does it bunch on top of my stomach? Too much boob crease showing? (Oh boob crease, you've surely grown an inch with each child...)

That's about it for now. Yes. I'm BOOKED! Did I mention I even put a widget on my cellphone of a countdown, so every time I look at my phone I will see how many days are left! Wowzas!