The healing journey...

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Soooooo... tomorrow morning is my very first...

Soooooo... tomorrow morning is my very first consultation! I'm meeting with Dr. Wolfe -
And then Tuesday, is my second consultation. I'll be meeting with Dr. Campanile -

I'm nervous but excited! I suppose I don't know what I'm nervous about, so maybe just excited. My hubby has taken the next two days off in order to come with me, which is great to have his support. I'm not sure really if he agrees with my desires, but he's coming with and that's important, to feel like what I want is supported. He's shown a bit of hesitation, I admit, but it is an elective surgery and so I understand that there are many risks. Also, I have some health problems. My main one, is an autoimmune disease, that showed up in my life after another surgery I had nearly three years ago. No one could have ever predicted I'd develop it. And so, there is some fear, "Am I complicating things..." But I'm still young, and I've worked hard and I do believe I deserve to feel better about my body and generally more comfortable.

So, I can let go of the little things I might want to get nipped, tucked, sucked or lifted - haha. I believe I need this tummy tuck in order to continue to live an active life AND let go of the daily ridiculousness. I don't have to be a TEN, but being able to fit clothes well and be in proportion is fair. We shall see, we shall see.

I am married to my husband of 12 years, and we have three children. We are officially done with the baby making years! And I'm only 31, so that gives me a lot of years ahead of me. Even though there are risks, I also think that fear shouldn't stop me from living more fully. I want to get dressed or move about this world and my day - not expecting perfection, but not having to CONSIDER the hanging tummy. My soft pillow that has been a shelf for me to nurse my babies on, lol! It's warm and nice to touch. At my highest weight, I was around 330. I don't know exactly as I didn't get on the scale much. My weight was going up and up with my addiction and I was unable to stop it. People talk about your MIND having to change in order to stay at a healthy weight. I get that. But no matter how much work I did - I was unable to heal my addiction myself, I was unable to change those habits permanently. I wanted to figure out a way to do it "myself" - but I wasn't succeeding, I was just getting heavier and desperately trying to find a way to save myself before I reached the edge of the cliff and fell off. I wish people could understand that more. I didn't share the fact that I got surgery openly. Many people knew, many didn't. But hearing people talk about "easy way out" is hurtful. I don't care if you have lost weight before - being morbily obese is another animal. And I was too much for myself to even handle.

So, I self paid for a VSG. I got a verticle sleeve gastrectomy in 2010. I got sick with the first sign of my new autoimmune disease 3 weeks later. Set in devastation. I was put on steroids and have been on them ever since. I did lose weight, and so I am glad, but I never got even close to goal. But, I was out of the dangers that being obese brought me. And that in itself was a relief. Maybe the autoimmune disease would have come anyway. Maybe it was lurking and going to pounce, surgery or not. I can never know. But I don't think I should stop striving because of it.

So, a year after my surgery, I unplanned and unexpectedly got pregnant with my 3rd child. Hello weight gain! I didn't gain anything for the first 5 months pretty much, and then the last 5 months - hello 50 lbs! I was pretty surprised by that. My son recently turned a year old and here I am, losing weight, but not quite pre-pregnancy weight again. But close.

My belly is big and hangy and not only is it unattractive, but the way it feels is certainly different. Not round like it used to be, now it hangs, seemingly away from me and feels like a foreign object. When I jump around at the gym, and I workout a lot and enjoy it, it moves AFTER I do and yanks my midsection around and causes my back to ache. It's not cool. But, in a very odd way, I have some fears of letting it go. Very tiny fears and we shall see how those develop. Maybe because I've been heavy for as long as I can remember. Maybe it has protected me in a way... yes, I'm sure it has. Protected and shielded but also kept me from things I've wanted to experience, too. But no time for that, moving forward is my goal!

So, anyway, this intro has turned WAY long. My first two consultations are in the next two days. Figuring out childcare wasn't easy - with a baby, a half-day kindergardener and a full day elementary school kid. But I did, and I'm excited! I have one other surgeon I'd like to meet, but we will see what the next couple of days bring.

Oh! And to answer the questions that Realself has suggested:
- My motivation - Getting my groove? I can't say getting it back, I've never had an ideal body. But I'm more confident about myself, who I am, as ever and so I'm ready for my body to rise up and meet me. I'm done having children, and I want to live energetically with them, and my husband. Feel and be the positive energy that I want to flow throughout my life.

- I have considered plastic surgery for about 2 years now. Just lightly, pretty much thought of it as being impossible, something rich people do, too self indulgeant. But I lost weight, I've been fighting my disease with strength and courage. I am more active than ever. I now believe I deserve to have it done and that it is a real possibility if we can change things around to make it a priority.

- Things I've learned, I have a few things I'll have to add later. But mostly - I will not be someone else after surgery. My life won't change that much. I think it is a perk, I think some simple things will be easier, and that mindset, my mindset is what will bring the most change, and this is a lovely step and deserved assistance.

I had my two consultations earlier this week. I...

I had my two consultations earlier this week. I admit I left them both more confused than when I went in! I found both of the surgeons here on realself. One getting rave reviews and definitely one of the most popular surgeons in my state. The second, I found by chance on the realself sidebar, and after seeing photos of his Tummy tucks, I knew I had to meet him! I scheduled both appointments and nearly cancelled the other one I had set. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I saw both. I feel a slight inkling to get a 3rd opinion even, but truth be told, either of those doctors I would get excellent results from, I think.

One of the docs I was blown away by his office and staff. The other, I felt so very confident that he knew his stuff and had tons of experience. Both of them, really. I told them both I didn't want the body lift, they were both supportive. One didn't think I needed it anyway. The other suggested the fleur de lis TT. I agreed and thought that might be a possibility and didn't have a problem. The only issue I think I saw was, if I got the fleur, then the lift/augmentation was going to be scheduled for another time, possibly even the lipo I was wanting. I think he said he was just going to 'go easy' so we could preserve the blood flow.
The other doc seemed very confident that I'd get great results with a regular extended TT, lipo, lift and aug. It sure is tempting to get it all done at once. But frightening, too. PLUS, looks like there's a possibility that we'll schedule it for May. That's so soon - AND - my kids will be going on summer vacation soon after. Am I ready to have them home? Actually, they are wonderfully helpful, and they'd help with the baby for sure.

I tried on implants. I was vastly impressed with the silicone. Gosh, they feel wonderful. I also felt the gummy bears. I thought I would choose saline, so I'm surprised that now I'm all for the silicone.

If I go with one, I will get: Extended TT, lipo of the back and breast lift and augmentation. That will cost just over 18K.
If I go with the other one, I will get a fleur de lis Tummy Tuck with some lipo of back. Then I'll wait 6 months to a year to get a lift/augmentation through him or elsewhere.

I really left both with more questions and uncertainty. Not knowing which was right for me. People say go with my gut, but my gut could possibily be skewed and I'm not sure. I hope hoping a few nights sleep would bring clarity - they have not yet, haha.

I THINK I know which doctor I will go with. But what made it extra hard was my hubby disagrees. But he does support whichever I decide. One, I will stay at a hotel and possibly for the night if I feel the need. The other, I will be sent home with a home nurse. Kind of neat. But if I chose to stay at the hosp, then at least I would have all those nurses and staff at my beck and call.

If only I could see the after photos of myself LOL. I'd be willing to be open to other possibilities if I just felt it was truly worth the money or the wait or the pain. Argh! So tough.

But, I really want to make my appt by tomorrow or at least think over the weekend and schedule on Monday as I dont want all the days to be taken up. The further it's pushed into May, it will interfere with my beloved summer. I don't want that! Because then what I'll end up doing is pushing it into late October. Time wise, I think it's best. I will miss less. But I want to be healed - and therefore all this over with.

I'm up late because it's a time when I only have ME, no kids or chores or schedules to keep up with. I'm feeling lucky that I have this opportunity, but it certainly isn't an easy decision. I never thought I'd have the chance to consider it. So, I'm excited. But feeling so lost as what to do...

Guess what I did a couple of days ago? I booked my...

Guess what I did a couple of days ago? I booked my surgery date! Yep, it's true! I plonked down the deposit (or rather read my cc details over the phone), and I'm all booked. Wow. I honestly can NOT believe it's really going to happen, and so soon! I mean, I didn't think I'd ever have cosmetic surgery. And IF I did, I did not think it would be more than a TT. AND if I got a TT, I wouldn't have told you I'd think it would be THIS year! But the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Why not get this surgery done now, while I'm healthy rather than later. Who knows what might come later. I already have a few health issues (Autoimmune), things could possibly get worse. Or, who knows, money might be tight. Let's say I do NOT have any sickness or money issues on the horizon, but what Im saying is, I'm really pleased that I'm going to get it done. I'm nervous and scared and excited - but mostly want to be on the other side and fully enjoying an active life without letting the excess skin or insecurity about my shape hold me back. I don''t think it holds me back THAT much, but it will be wonderful not to have those added things. For things here and there to be easy. To not pull my pants up 50 times in a gym class. To not change my mind back and forth a bunch of times about the top I'm wearing - does it show too much back rolls? Does it bunch on top of my stomach? Too much boob crease showing? (Oh boob crease, you've surely grown an inch with each child...)

That's about it for now. Yes. I'm BOOKED! Did I mention I even put a widget on my cellphone of a countdown, so every time I look at my phone I will see how many days are left! Wowzas!

My neighbor and my husband knew about the fact...

My neighbor and my husband knew about the fact that I actually scheduled a date for my surgery. Today I told another friend. I still have not told my own mother, because she's a very nervous person and I have no doubt she will get upset and say I shouldn't do it and act very nervous and neurotic about it - and what I do know for sure is that I don't need that added stress. Not when I already have so much going on.

I wanted to add that, I spent so much time with both surgeons. The first, probably around 45 minutes, the second, close to an hour, maybe even a bit more. I showed both surgeons sites to my friend today, and she was impressed with both. It feels good to have the support of good friends. I am so apprehensive of telling people. I don't want to hear or feel judgement or horror stories. I've made the decision and I want to look forward to it. Anyone else feel that way?

Silversunshine asked if I had thought about...

Silversunshine asked if I had thought about implant sizes and so I thought that'd make a good update!

I knew I wanted and needed a lift. I was on the fence with implants. Even though I think round perky breasts are beautiful, of course, I have been uncomfortable with cleavage in the past. I'm tall and so that often means if I have any cleavage showing, it's right in eyeline of a lot of people, lol. There have also been times in the past when people were sexually vulgar to me and that caused years of discomfort with looking "sexy". So despite wanting to feel sexy, I didn't feel comfortable looking it.

Now, I realize where part of the fear comes from and I hate that I've allowed those pervs and idiots have any control of sway over my life or how I feel about myself. Wrong! With hubby agreeing to invest in me like this, part of me has wanted to give him "toys" lol and anyone who has an issue with that isn't being realistic. I wouldn't get them for him, but he is part of it for sure. I've spent the past few months thinking of them, would I? Would I not? I realized what was holding me back. So went I went into my consultations I decided I'd just ask about it, talk about it and see how I felt.

I told Dr. Wolfe about my apprehension and he was really wonderful. Like its something he's heard plenty. He said, "You don't want to look sexy all the time, but you want to feel it," and he's right. His patient counselor suggested I just try them on, several sizes without looking at the cc's. my friend who is considering an augmentation is thinking of 150cc. She is very petite, though. So I thought in order to have something proportionate, I thought something around 250 cc. How wrong I was.

Before I started trying them on, Dr. Wolfe measured my breasts and took my height and width into consideration, he said I should start at a certain size and he showed me an implant. I tried several on, careful not to look at the cc's. They were Natrelle silicone low or medium profile. I settled on a size and my husband agreed they looked great. In the bra they gave me, it pretty much looked the same size, just fuller, firmer. I was really surprised when she flipped the implant over and they were 420 cc's!

When Dr. Wolfe sensed my concern, he said that for my body type, they really wouldn't be shocking or inappropriate for me. That made me feel better. However as he continued talking, he used a word that shook me to my core. He said, "These are still quite substantial implants."

Substantial. I felt nervous again. Later on at home, I thought, no, I have to go smaller. Then as the days progressed and especially the last several days as I've done a more thorough online search, I think they will be a good size and no matter the body types I see online, it could be very different on me.

I have decided at my pre-op, I am going to try on a few again, maybe around 350-420 just to compare. If love to be able to wear strappy sundresses without looking x-rated. However I also don't want to seem too small for my frame. Not that anything is too small, but small in a way that is foreign to me.

I am a D now. I'd like a perky C or D. Maybe the 420 will take me there.

I've seen some women put together "wish boards" for their docs to reference during surgery. Boards with photos of bodies that they desire. Anyone planning on doing that??

I got really sick last Saturday. It came on me so...

I got really sick last Saturday. It came on me so quickly - I was reallllly sick, all nigt long. It was awful! However, two days later, I was way lighter. I had gotten down to 218 - it was awesome! I've been working out and eating right, but still managed to gain three lbs back - BUMMER. Of course, I know it's water weight and I need to be hydrated, but still! It was nice to see, haha. I'm not one to be very focused on the scale number, but since it's an easy visual way to keep track, it's tough to kind of depend on it. I've been working out, though, a lot - and I feel great. That's what's most important. I love to feel this energetic!

I just hope I am able to stop the scale from going UP! I want to reach my prepregnancy weight of 209 by the day of surgery. I have 7 weeks left, so losing 12 lbs in 7 weeks should be completely doable. But I'm not so convinced. There was a time in my life I could lose that in a week! Haha, but obviously that never stayed off. I'd consider it a massive accomplishment to get under 200. That would mean a weight loss of 3 lbs a week. Although doable, its an aggressive goal. And after having lost around 90 lbs already, it's not like those first few pounds that come off fairly easily. How about I go for it - and hope to reach it, but surely reach 209, my first goal?

Anyone else have fitness goals before surgery? I know surgery will just push me forward in my fitness goals - make more things possible. (Like jumping jacks with two arms so my flapping belly won't push my pants down)

I hate how anxiety sets in at night. Makes sense....

I hate how anxiety sets in at night. Makes sense. During the day, we are so busy and distracted. I had told my PS about my autoimmune disease and the medication I was on. He said he'd look into it, but I hadn't heard anything and he didn't seem too concerned. Especially since its being managed. However, I have suspected a wrong diagnosis and today I feel like I'm sort of being proved right. I do think I have this other disease. I have been told to see a rheumatologist, and my new dermatologist wants my records and immunoflorescence results from my last Derm. But anyway, today, I went into the sun. It's been so cold here in Colorado and today it was nice weather. Lovely! However, a few hours later, I found myself completely exhausted and almost comatose in bed, and my rash popping up on my face, which was exposed today. I did a quick search and found a doctor here saying he does not perform tummy tucks on patients with the disease I suspect I'm having. I felt emotion welling up inside me. I feel so upset and anxious. I can't let myself get too dragged down. Just continue to make my appointments, get everyone the records they need and get clearance to move forward from them.

But I do feel sad and very scared of being told no. Now that its within my grasp to have it, letting go would be quite devastating. There, I've said it, I've out it out there. I'm gonna move forward and just hope that the docs I continue to see will give me the go ahead to move forward because feeling confident and emotionally strong is no doubt extremely important in recovery!

Oh how I envy those with good health.

Hanging out at dance class with my 8 year old. ...

Hanging out at dance class with my 8 year old. She has two classes in a row tonight so that gives me two hours to chill. To force myself to not do housework. It's quite divine, actually.

So, one of the dance teachers just sauntered by wearing what I could only describe as the garb of Black Adder. Interesting. Fantastic.

My phone countdown ticker says, 45 days to go. Wow! Soon, we'll be less than a month. How surreal! I've been exercising a lot, which is great. The weight on the scale doesn't want to budge, but when clothed, my shape is changing and it's very pleasant! I haven't really felt like that in recent memory, if ever at all, so it's good. I've been thinner,, but it really is mindset and strength that makes all the difference, I think? For me, anyway.

I've been trolling Craigslist for the things I need, like toilet riser, shower seat and walker. Not sure I need a walker, but if I can nab one for cheap, I will. A few thoughts have run through, though, like the idea these items have been used with naked bits! Not to mention the obvious use of the toilet riser, lol. Think scrubbing with steaming hot water and then dousing in Lysol will do the trick? Heheh.

I really need to look into the rent-a-canter recliner stuff. Maybe I'll do that now...

I think it's time I start stocking up n the things...

I think it's time I start stocking up n the things I'll need for surgery. Today I ordered a toilet seat riser off of amazon. I also need a shower stool. A couple of people have said a walker was helpful. I'm not sure ill need it, but kind of am thinking if I can find one really cheap on Craigslist, I'll go for it. Also, compression garments. I've looked at a few but then I get all overwhelmed and leave without ordering, ha! I'm eyeing this one right now:

It might be for people who get bbl, which I'm not, but since I'm gonna have to wear this thing for quite a while and I am kind of self conscious about my LACK of booty, maybe the booty area being exposed wont make me feel so flat butted I clothes, ha!

I got a large envelope in the mail today and I...

I got a large envelope in the mail today and I didn't know it was coming, it was a lot of paperwork from my surgeons office. A bunch of stuff to read over and initial and, I guess, also sign it on the day of my pre-op. it's a lot. Reading over it made it so official and reminded me how much I need to prepare. I need to get compression garments and a recliner rented ASAP.

Also, hubby talked with me today about our finances. He's been getting our taxes ready for the last several weeks, and that was a lot of looking at our money, obviously. We will owe this year due to the fact that he does a lot of freelance work. And then on top of it, our spending has been crazy lately. So, suddenly we are talking about not doing a breast lift and aug at all and just the tummy tuck. I've been on the fence about the breast lift anyway, and even more unsure about the implants. But of course having the threat of them taken away made me want to fight for them! If we decide to not do them, I will be disappointed but as long as I'm getting my TT, which I AM, I am not up for negotiating that, I'll be ok. But I don't want to. I just wish I didn't have the fears and the what ifs of being in satisfied with my boobs. They don't bother me much unless I'm in lingerie and they're not looking cute at all (never a lot of support in sexy lingerie is there! Haha) and then bathing suits. A thing suits are the bane of my existence, and not just because of my weight. Monif C can cut a great suit! But my breast can never even come close to fitting a plus sized suit and therefore I've never had one that just fit at all! Plus, I'm tall and my boobs are huge. So anyway, small worry I won't get even a lift, but TT is still on and that's what's most important to me rut now.

Anyway, I really need to prepare. All I have now is a toilet seat riser and that came just this morning!

I meant to type that my boobs aren't huge! They...

I meant to type that my boobs aren't huge! They always are threatening to float up and out of bathing suits! And I own many bathing suits, three of them high end!

19 days til pre-op and 34 days til my surgery. Oh...

19 days til pre-op and 34 days til my surgery. Oh my word!! I can't believe this is reality. This is REALLY happening! I am NOT going to have this belly attached to me forever. I am NOT going to have to feel self conscious about the way my boobs sag and flatten and have a LONG crease down the center. For years, I thought I've been shy about showing cleavage. Maybe the truth is, I'm shy about the way it looks these days. Maybe? I don't take the time to obsess, but it will actually be quite fascinating to not only see the changes in my body, but also to witness myself the changes that go through my mind over the course of this journey. I feel very fortunate.

Well, the decision has more or less been made. As of TODAY, we are going through with the whole shebang, including breast lift and implant. I'm looking forward to my pre-op and getting set in stone the size I will go with, and this whole over/under/partial muscle debate. I took breast photos, but not sure I'm brave enough to post them yet! ;)

Argh! I made a big update this morning and it...

Argh! I made a big update this morning and it disappeared! Bah!! OK - so, a couple things. I made rice sizers last night. I know many people make them, but I read a blog where someone wore them for a few days straight and I thought that was probably a great idea - wear them a bit to see what you feel about that size. I made 500cc - mostly because I was too lazy to measure out 420 lol. But also for a couple of other reasons. I went out with some friends a couple of nights ago and they took some pictures of us all. When I saw them, I should have noticed the good things about me, which I did, but I zoomed in on my body. And specifically my boobs. I was really surprised at how small they looked! Of course they don't look "small" - but I felt they looked rather small for the rest of me. That being said, I am tall and overweight. So what a thin girl might consider a great rack, didn't look so fantastic. So, then I made the 500cc rice sizers. I wore them for about 20 minutes. I felt so top heavy and they just seemed gargantuan and just hung. I felt like - either 500 is way too big for me OR I cant really compare to what it would be like because my boobs are saggy, and rice just made the bra hang more.
Hubby was shaving his head, and he looked over and goes, "Wow, that is huge." And then went promptly back to shaving. I looked at myself in the mirror, sucking in my gut, imagining how big they'd look after my TT. I thought they seemed too big. BUT, since I am stall with a large frame, even if I did get that size, I think no one would question them. They'd see the rest of me and it would still make sense.
I think I will ultimately leave it up to Dr. Wolfe. Any of you doing that? Giving your surgeon a size range and letting him choose? I'm going to say anywhere between 400-500. I'm bringing in photos of what I like, and that's that. It does seem like a rather massive range, though. Hmmm... anyone else out there?

Also, I've been feeling SO bloated. So, I'm starting somewhat of a juice fast/feast today. Not really a detox or anything, just going to pack in the nutrients and get things a bit sorted in my gut. Get really hydrated, and all that. Going to make another batch of yogurt, with all the good probiotics. I bought probiotics in pillform today, so I'll be starting those. I'm also going to go officially low sodium. Right now, not strictly because I won't be going overboard anyway with juicing, but two weeks before surgery, I will really track my salt intake.

OH! One more thing! Let me open this package. I got my muumuus and zip-front sports bras today. Huzzah! I hope they will work out :D I will add my photos later - I was brave and took some topless pics.

I kind of came here to whine. I want to be...

I kind of came here to whine. I want to be positive, but this is my secret place to just be honest, right!? Today I feel like I got an idea of how my recovery will be. I was feeling very tired this afternoon. We took the kids swimming and en had lunch out. I felt so tired after lunch. We ate Chinese and my body was like, arghh!!! I went into a food coma, nearly. I very rarely take naps, so it was lovely to sleep a bit. The baby went down dr a nap, my daughters were watching a movie. Next thing I know I hear my husband yelling at the girls to go to bed. It wasn't bed time so I figured they must have done something wrong. My oldest was screaming down the house. She can be drama but doesn't usually cry like that. That only happens when he disciplines them shout a warning. I hate that. He expects them to always know. If he warned them beforehand, that's fine. But I can only imagine what it was. Usually I'd go out and see what was happening, since I am the main disciplinarian in the house but since next month he's gonna be the main guy for at least a week, I thought he should deal with it. She screamed so loudly my other daughter was crying because of how loud she was and she also woke the baby. I was so mad from my room. I am not gonna heal well or rest if this is all going on. Hubby isn't receptive to parenting ideas, though. He was not disciplined as a child, but he had good behavior because he was introverted and shy. His sister is another story, she ran wild from the freedom. But anyway. I'm just worrying now. I wish I had some sort of recovery condo thing to go to. Ugh!

In other news, hubby has been good in other ways despite his difficult attitude. He got a shower seat ordered for me, the arnica Montana and silicone scar strips. He also booked the power lift recliner. It's nice when he did those things because I feel supported, which is helpful to counteract that overwhelming feeling of guilt.

I also told my close group of friends recently. They were all supportive which was lovely. One didn't say anything, but it's not because she doesn't support me, I think, it comes from maybe a bummed out feeling wishing she could and the opportunity. Another friend in our group is having a BL and lipo of a couple areas and she told us a couple of weeks ago, so two of us in a small amount of time has to be hard to hear when you have financial struggles. I appreciated that she listened and smiled :). I wish I could give her her hearts desires.

Anyway, enough for now. I'm amazed that the day is ticking near. Today, even though my preop is just 11 days away, today I feel no anxiety over it. We shall see what tomorrow brings. Oh also, I found out my surgeons office actually carries a huge variety of implants. Including low profile, moderate, moderate plus, high, and of course the tummies and shaped ones. He is like the largest order-er of implants in our state, I remember him saying, lol. So I guess I'll have a lot of Bobbie questions come pre-op, although believe it or not a part of me is still considering doing nothing at all about them. Hmm...

2nd update. Can't sleep. The obsession is in full...

2nd update. Can't sleep. The obsession is in full swing, I visited the Breast Explant community. Seeing all these women yearning for their implants to be removed, feeling so happy and free, calling themselves stupid for ever having done it. It's making me think I should seriously consider just a lift. Aaahhh!!! I just don't know!!! It's making me bonkers. Alas nothing can be solved right now so I need to chillax! I just think my boobs aren't big enough to get a desired shape with just a lift. Leave them completely alone perhaps?? Who else is struggling??

When I should sleep, I can't. When I need to stay...

When I should sleep, I can't. When I need to stay awake, I just want to close my eyes! I have an EEG tomorrow and im supposed to go innsleepy but fighting my heavy lids. My head is bobbing all over trying to stay awake.

I posted a couple clothed photos of me, post gym. ...

I posted a couple clothed photos of me, post gym. The light quality is bad, and my hubman was tired and irritable - HAHA, he did have the baby in one arm, I GUESS. Anyway, it will be nice after surgery when I'm back at the gym to not have to smooth and adjust the bottom of my tops which always gather at my lower belly making it way more of a focal point. Sometimes I feel like I look great and then I see me in the mirror and see how the shirt seems nearly cut in half right where my belly is and it accentuates it. Not that I care all that much about it but after a while when it really gathers there, it's like I'm headed to the pool, wearing an inner tube!!

In other news, numbers on the scale are moving down slow as molasses, BUT, I feel like I'm slimming down and have had a few comments which is very interesting since the scale isn't moving so much. It's nice, though. I want to get everything underneath good and tight, and all the skin good and loose!

I contacted my surgeon by email yesterday - he said he'd be happy to talk with me over the phone, or I could even come in and meet with him again to talk and look through photos of the fleur-de-lis procedures that he has done. Oddly enough, he still doesn't think that I need it. On one hand, that's great news - but on the other hand, it's confusing because other people here who have less weight on them and are smaller are getting it or have gotten it. I did ask him for his PERSONAL opinion, he gave it but said if I want that, he will certainly do that for me. He sounded very open to making me happy, but I have to say I am surprised.
During my first consultation, the long one, he did say I was borderline of needing one. But after thinking on it more, he doens't think so. I even told him I don't mind the scar and have no intention of busting out in a bikini anyway! lol and I'll gladly take the vertical scar if it means I have a nice defined shape.

So, for now, I'm just going to stick with the original plan. But I'm gonna take a look at those photos and discuss a bit more in person on at my pre-op - or earlier if I suddenly want to. So, since I'm trusting him and putting myself in his capable hands, I'm gonna stick with the original plan.

My friend had her BL and lipo yesterday. She's in and out of sleep but she's home and doing well - yay!! She said, "I'm laying on my back and my boobs are NOT in my armpits." I thought that was hilarious and awesome. Soon, it will be me on the other side! The flat tummy side!!

Ok, Im gonna hunt for some before weight loss pics and add them.

Woke up to go to the bathroom. A few minutes...

Woke up to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later I'm focusing on my breathing because the anxiety is taking over. I hate this. My heart was beating like crazy.
I had a couple MRIs two weeks ago, and after a couple of hours in there I had a strange episode. Dizzy, heart racing, felt like I was swirling around. I had to ask to be pulled out. I knew this was an inconvenience. It's not like me to speak up for myself in that way, especially if it meant inconveniencing someone. The person doing the MRI said I was having a panic attack. I didn't feel panicky, but just a few minutes ago I was trying to avoid that happening again.

I hate how things seem so awful at night. Anyone else feel that way? Then in the light of day you feel like, hmm, why did I think that? No big deal! I can handle this! I find myself near tears. Thinking about my kids, especially my oldest daughter. I haven't told the kids. They're old enough to observe that it's more than being sick. I don't want to put it in their heads right now. Groan.

I also really wish I could tell my mom so we could have her support and also her help with the kids the first few days after surgery. But she's gonna be so much drama and I don't need more worry and stress and negative energy! Maybe I should tell her this weekend with the support of my husband there. He's not the best communicator but I do think I need his support. Ugh!

Just rambling really, wanting this feeling to pass.

In good news, I'm excited to see my body shape change from my hard work. It's subtle but exciting because I know it's from my effort. I feel strong. I'm still 10 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight but I'm stronger and more toned than before. So good stuff.

I really want to refocus in on my kids these last 2 weeks. I'm kind of just going through the motions this week, my thoughts dominated with my health and preparation for surgery. Getting my millions of docs appts set and scheduled. So many docs appts, ugh! Stupid autoimmune disease and all the side effects from the medicines to treat it. But soon, I'm gonna miss being able to hold my baby.

Anyone have a baby? I have to hold him! I wonder how long until I can hold him sitting down?? It's gonna kill me to see him reach for me and have to deny him. Boohoo!

Quickie update. The light of day is upon us and...

Quickie update. The light of day is upon us and of course the anxiety has melted away. I've decided to tell my Mom today, or this weekend. The way she chooses to act is her issue and not mine. I'll deal with how I handle her reaction after its already happened. Ok! Hope I stick with this attitude! Lol

A new low weight!

A new low weight!

So excited this morning. My body has finally...

So excited this morning. My body has finally decided, "She keeps working hard and eating right, I guess I can't hold on much longer. Here you go human, have some results."

You guys are all so sweet and supportive. Don't...

You guys are all so sweet and supportive. Don't worry, I'm not a hyper person, I dont spend my time worrying about the things I can't control too much. I'm just a writer. Its the main way I sort my feelings and "think out loud" without subjecting my family to it, lol.

It was only a partial truth. I told her about the...

It was only a partial truth. I told her about the TT and she visibly tensed up, BUT she did make an effort not to react too much. I left out the possibility of an implant. That would just set her over the edge. She used to have a chin implant and she believed it was part of her auto-immune disease and so she had it removed after like 30 years. So, I know how she feels about any type of foreign body. If I go through with an implant, I'm hoping that it won't be so obvious that I can't get away with just saying its a lift, and the reason it looks big is because my stomach will be smaller. Ohhh well. At least this way, she knows I'm having surgery and she will be ale to help us a bit, hopefully. The day isn't over, so I'm not gonna say I won't wake up tomorrow to a bunch of emails she wrote in the middle of the night, but for now, I'm glad it's done.

Not sure if I already gave my stats. I am 5'10.5"...

Not sure if I already gave my stats. I am 5'10.5" and a size 16. My bra size is probably a 38C. Not sure as all my bras are 40D and all too big since ive been working out and losing more weight. At my heaviest! I was a 44DD.

I've been thinking about implant size. My surgery-sister "silversunshine" has recently decided to go up in size of cc's and I'm wondering if I should. I hear a lot of "go bigger" but I have a tendency to feel uncomfortable with cleavage on myself. This could be because the breasts are saggy and look weird to me when they're pushed up. But I worry that they will feel in the way or too bouncy or heavy when I'm working out or running.
My pre-op is on Wednesday. I just realized its at my surgeons 2nd location, where I haven't been before. I hope he does have many sizes to try on while I'm there.
I just read a review by "Firemanwife" who is my same height and opted for 700cc. Now I'm feeling like 420cc is too small? Lol. Such a funny thought since I've been worried about not wanting implants at all! My breasts as they are, I feel are too small for my frame. But unsure if I want them larger, if its important enough to me to risk being uncomfortable with size. I think most women want large breasts. i don't, or at least i don't think i do. Or maybe this is a very common concern,but on sites like "" the common mantra is "You can never be too big." I don't agree! Oh well, whatever. Hope Wednesday sheds some light on the issue.

Second thing, the anxiety is setting in. I'm really afraid of how intense things are gonna be. Anyone compare it to natural drug free childbirth? Lol. That's just one of the most intense things I've ever done, but it was just for hours, not weeks, so I don't know what else to compare it to!

I only know one person who has had a TT and she tells me if she had it to do over she would have had her breasts done, too. Her exact word was, "Absofreakinglutely" haha. Because she thinks having the pain and recovery all at once is ideal. Oh, I just can't imagine.

Another concern is how much "work" the recovery is. Pain, exhaustion,discomfort and work! Sometimes it doesn't seem like a good idea! No going back now. Most people say its worth it. I do wish it was sooner so could recover sooner...

Seriously? 15 days til surgery! I am SO in...

Seriously? 15 days til surgery! I am SO in denial! But I'm not! But I am! I wake up in the middle of the night - wide awake thinking about it. At night, I'm NOT in denial. In the day, I guess I am!

Okay, quick update. Had my CT scan this morning. (MRI and EEG the past couple of weeks, due to other health issues.) Anyway, my neurologist called this afternoon with not so great news. I have a tear in one of my vertebral arteries... and the other vertebral artery, is underdeveloped from before I was born! what the HELL. It makes possible sense for the fact I've been experiencing a lot of dizziness. She said the tear is stable - and so for now, I'm on 1 baby aspirin a day. I'll have another CT in 6 months and hope it's mended itself. There is a possibility I'll need a stent. There are worse case scenarios - but I'm gonna just say those aren't gonna happen. I was completely relieved to hear that she believes I can still go forward with my surgery and go under anesthesia. Thank GOODNESS. I did have to tell my PS and my neuro will talk to him to give him the green light if he needs it.

It was a really scary reality to think that maybe they'd say no. I mean - when it comes to LIFE - of course if there were a risk, I'd let it go. But I hope this isn't something that is a worry forever - and so I'm gonna keep living life fully. It was sucky news, though. Scary, too.

Today was pre-op day. Paid in full, cha-ching!! ...

Today was pre-op day. Paid in full, cha-ching!!

Had hubby come but he ended up leaving the room because our babyson was acting crazy and I couldn't hear anything the nurse was saying. She was wonderful, the nurse. Never seemed to mind my sons antics for a moment. It was me who he was driving batty!

Anyway, I think my eyes got as big as saucers when she was telling me everything; what to expect, meds, etc. I was glad to hear my stitches would all be dissolvable. She said my breast lift and aug probably wouldn't bother meat all as it would be "hidden" behind the TT recovery. That actually made a lot of sense to me and kind of made me happy I decided to get the lift now instead of later. She said it of course depends on my own pain tolerance, but it does increase my fear a bit. But I think it's the length of time that weighs on me most, not the intensity of the pain. The seemingly long road.

Got four scripts for meds, was told no baby aspirin for my new vertebral tear issue, from now until two weeks after my surgery. Will check with neuro tomorrow. My plate is so full right now, it seems absolutely insane.

I got my time! Surgery is at 7:40, so I need to be there at 6am. That means leaving here around 5:15. Yawn at the thought! They expect I'll be in recovery by 1:40 and discharged between 240-3. My neighbor will watch the baby so he doesn't have to be with us when hubby picks me up, but who is gonna be here when we leave at 515? Can you imagine us waking the kids and hauling them there? Ugh!!

Getting all my docs on the same page really seems...

Getting all my docs on the same page really seems like a near impossibility. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna have to take a leap of faith and just push forward even when they're not all on the same page - it's scary, though.

Called my Neuro today about the no baby aspiring for 2 weeks before and after. She said okay to the none 2 weeks before, but she wants me back on it 5 days after. Groan! Anything like this scares me and makes me feel like someone is going to fold and say "No" and cancel my surgery! Argh!!

I've been on the phone back and forth with so many docs and hospitals and insurance all day - it's beyond frustrating. Makes me so frustrated - feel pulled in every direction. My PCP wants me to get a mamogram asap before the implants. My Neuro wants me to start physical therapy on my neck next week, and get in three times. I need to see my dermatologist and my PCP before surgery. I need to get my old Derm to fax my biopsy results to my new derm asap - requested them a month ago and still nothing. Insurance is holding one of my prescriptions hostage until I spoke to them - its just beyond ridiculous. I don't think any of them think I could possibly be friggin BUSY!

Then let's not even get into all the stuff my kids have going on. YARGH!!! I have a wonderful husband who works SO hard at work - but man, I really wish he could make himself available to help me in this way - but then the time it would take to get everything explained to him would probably just add to my stress.

In good news - we decided to hire a housekeeper. It's just four hours worth - but this is helpful to me. She will come next Wednesday. So instead of focusing on cleaning and organizing - my main thing is decluttering and organizing so when she comes here - I get to have her here for four hours - just cleaning everything. EVERYTHING. I might even have her come a couple weeks after to reclean - to help hubby keep up with everything so I'm not an anxious ball of nerves.

One problem we have is, since we are leaving around 5am on surgery day - I can't find or think of anyone to stay with my children that morning. They will need to be ready for school and all that. My Mom wont come since she works the next day - my Dad wont come without my Mom (he's weird like that), and so we are gonna have to drag all the kids out of bed at 5 am so we can go - he's gonna just have to drop me off at the door and leave. I will sit in the waiting room like a ball of nerves all alone :( Maybe it will be good time to meditate, I don't know.

So, here are my meds - I see some people listing theirs...

Scopalomine patch

They gave me directions but it's like chicken scratch, I can't read a thing... they said they'd re explain it all to hubby when he comes to pick me up. I'm planned for a 6 hour surgery... groan... is it normal for it to be so long? Any longer and he said it would have had to be split up. Hopefully his hands are steady and precise!

Oh no, I've become "one of those women" haha! But...

Oh no, I've become "one of those women" haha! But I figure, I SHOULD be! This is my body, a big deal and a big investment! I think (no surprise to many of you, but a big surprise to me) - I'm going to go UP in implant size. But I THINK I'm gonna stay moderate profile. But considering going up to a 450. Not sure yet. Jotted him an email - told him I want Kate Upton boobs. We shall see his response. Wanted to get to him before he ordered the implants.

Oh, the back and forth! I also told him about the whole aspirin thing - did I already say? My neurologist now wants me back on the baby aspiring 5 days after surgery. I hope he agrees. But surely he still wants my money and if my neuro wants it, I'd assume he'll give in. She deals with neurosurgeons! I think they know a bit, too. Ha!

So, nesting nesting nesting. I got some little bins today - thinking of the rolling table I'm gonna organize next to where my recliner will be.

Oh, one of the reasons I am thinking of going up in size is hubby, who has been pretty hush hush and opinionless up until now has suddenly shown an interest in me having big round knockers! Haha! He's never really said so before, maybe twice he said it "could be nice" - but most of his energy was saying NOT to get them due to finances. I guess now that we're paid in full he is changing his tune.

Gong to pick up my meds today. Without insurance...

Gong to pick up my meds today. Without insurance to cover them, I hope they don't cost a arm and a leg!

I know that 2-3 lbs weight gain won't make a huge difference but I find my brain being really sensitive about it. I gained 2 lbs (on my period) and I find myself feeling absolutely massive, which is so dumb as I'm the fittest I've been in over a decade, maybe fitter than ever! I hope this mindset settles down, I don't like it. I'm guessing its just due to surgery coming up and it being such a big focus right now. Lets hope, because I don't like body negativity and I'm not having this to amplify it! Lol

Went to a Zumba master class event last night. It was a 90 min class taught by four really incredible instructors, mine being one of them, and I got tired around 55 min, but then 10 min later that blast of extra energy brought me over the hump and I was raring to go! At 90 when a couple of my friends were giving me their death look, I was ready to go again! Feeling so hyped! Love it! I'm so bummed out that I'll be out of commission for 8 weeks. I know 6 weeks is the time to start again, but I'm guessing that means some biking and treadmill and not my teachers zumba class since he's insanely high impact! I will miss it!

Well, just rambling now...

Finally picked up my meds today - only...

Finally picked up my meds today - only 30-something bucks. Woohoo! Also, gasp... I settled and REFUSE to change my mind again. I AM getting implants FOR SURE, along with my lift and I'm getting 257 cc moderate-plus silicone. Le GASP!! I need to stop thinking about it now, because I think at this point, the difference is going to be somewhat minimal. My hope is - please don't encapsulate... please don't encapsulate!!

I was sick last night, a stomach bug. My husband was VERY sick, my mom very sick, my friend very sick - probably with the same bug. But I'm lucky that so far, I got off with fever, chills, aches, and... yeah - not fun in the bathroom, but no vomiting. But then this morning, I felt okay - so I decided to go to a zumba class. He did a new line up and it was TOUGH! I almost had an asthma attack which I haven't had in like a decade, surely. And of course, no inhaler. I recovered and made it through the class. I guess I was weakened still from being sick.

One good thing, though, is the scale budged again - woohoo! My goal is to be 215 by my surgery. That's the weight I was when I was... 18? That would be awesome! I know I can do it. I'm at 216.2.

Oops! That was supposed to say 457 cc!! I don't...

Oops! That was supposed to say 457 cc!! I don't know why I keep doing that!

Grrr!!! I updated earlier but it's not showing up!...

Grrr!!! I updated earlier but it's not showing up! Oh well, here I go again, and this time I won't be as whiney as I was this morning anyway - hah!

Feeling a little depressed-ish since yesterday. Not sure if it's the underlying anxiety and worry - or if it's maybe hormonal. Also, I usually work out 6 times a week - and in the last week and a half, I've worked out 4 times. That's unusual for me and I feel like I notice it. I'm up 2 lbs, but I haven't had a BM recently. Maybe my mood is just everything. It's also rainy here in CO - not super rainy since rain is rare here, but I'm a sunny girl - and it's kind of making me melancholy. But at the same time, it's nice - everything will turn greener soon and I love that. We need the moisture here as every year it seems we're being riddled with wildfires, so this is good. But along with several other things, it's got me kind of down. Hopefully that lifts soon :)

A friend of mine is making me feel like this is going to be awful, and I don't need that. It makes me feel like she thinks I'm incapable, but that's just maybe me putting that on her. I'm very capable. I think she was just SO surprised at her recovery, she thought it was going to be easy breezy. She didn't do much research, she didn't read about other's experiences. Heck, after her surgery she was eating saltine crackers and drinking gatorades. Hello sodium! Hello swell! I feel prepared, and I know it will be tough and long. I think she's worried that maybe I was just as uninformed and therefore she's trying to prepare me. But it feels yucky. Anyway, not letting it get to me as I know she is supportive of my procedure and probably just wants to make me aware of what's coming compared to her not being fully aware at all.

On a fantastic note, my mom has agreed to take the day of my surgery OFF - so we won't have to haul all three kids into the car at 5am to take me there and pick me up. That will be way easier on the hubby. So, I'm really really thankful to her for that.

Tick tock... less than a week to go. Woah! Let's just DO this already!!

3 days, 19 hours and 28 minutes... Until...

3 days, 19 hours and 28 minutes...
Until Thursday, May 16h with a start time of 7:40 am.

Ha! Got to love countdown tickers.
Haven't had time to feel very anxious the past day or two. A couple of days ago, I was reading someone else's blog and I realized her surgery date was AFTER mine, and yet I felt this excitement for her because it was so soon. Then it was like "Duh, Nicole - when she gets it done, you'll already have been done for a couple of days." And I seriously FELT some sort of hormone or something being released into my body. Like DUMPED. I could feel it as it moved through my body - such a crazy sensation. Our bodies, even if we don't love the way that they look, seriously are magnificent things.

I hope mine raises up to the challenge and heals well after this surgery.

Today is Mother's Day and so far, so good. My children and husband have been lovely. I got a dozen roses from my 6 year old, my husband got me a cute yoga hoodie with an open back, so gorgeous. Also a professional mandoline, which is awesome. I got some quarters from my home island. (I always wanted one since I've only seen state quarters - I am from a territory - even though I was born in California.) and what I was most surprised by - LOL - a Whirly Pop! I've been wanting one for a while, but never felt it was necessary to buy, of course. And I loooove popcorn so much. It's probably a bad thing to have one now! I usually pop myself on the stove, but have been failing miserably at making kettle corn. I shall now have success!!

Anyway, getting ready and heading to my Mom's house, and my brother's family will be there. I'm looking forward to spending time with them. I know the NEXT time we have a get together... I'll be in quite nicer shape!

My next countdown ticker will be of one til I can return to the gym!!

Have a lovely day, all. I know the majority of you having a Mommy Makeover or TT have become mother's and so I salute you and appreciate you. :)

My body is being so rude. Another asthma threat...

My body is being so rude. Another asthma threat at the gym today.

Me: Hello? May I speak to my body? Thanks...........
Body: Hello
Me: yeah um, hi... I just wanted you to know something.
Body: I think I know what this is about.
M: oh do you now?
Body: pretty sure
Me: oh that's great, so do you have an answer for me?
Body: not really. I need to know what you know first.
Me: yeah... We are in the best shape of our lives! Maybe even better than in high school. So whyyyyy are you threatening me with asthma attacks now?
Body: gotta keep you on your toes.
Me: really? That's your answer.
Body: problem?
Me: yeah, I have a problem! Quit it! (Slams phone down.)
Body: hmm, we'll that was rude.

59 hours to go.
If I don't end up in the looney bin sooner than that.

I'm bloated, tired, exhausted more like. I've gained 2 lbs, and I'm constipated! Groan!!! I hope I feel better tomorrow.

34 hours to go. That's amazing! I'm sitting...

34 hours to go.

That's amazing! I'm sitting on the floor of my husband's office, trying to get a few last thing organized and sorted. There's a bunch of random stuff in his room, and our room is kind of a wreck and I need to make it my "recovery portal". Tomorrow is going to FLY by. I have MOPS meeting in the morning, then I have to drop my car off at the dealership for a recall, THEN I have my last Zumba class, THEN my son has a therapy appt and THEN tomorrow night I have a meeting at my kid's school, last one of the year for this group I'm in, so I don't want to miss it. ARGH! It's gonna FLY by and then... DUHN DUHN DUHNNN... no plans except to rest and recover well.
I shouldn't go DUHN DUHN DUHNN, I should go, "Ahhh, hurray and positive vibes for a rebirth!" heheheh... who am I kidding. I am who I am. I mean it in a funny sense, and so be it.

Oh, I don't know if I said so, but I decided to go ahead and book the overnight nurse. The good thing is, she will pick me up from the surgery center and bring me home, that way my husband doesn't have to with all the kids. She'll set me up and stay through the night. I was worried about the whole "paying someone to watch me sleep" thing, but then after reading a few stories that made me nervous, I don't think I'll regret it, even if she does nearly nothing. She will be there to answer hubby's questions as I lay like a zombie in and out of consciousness, limping to go to the bathroom. Wow, can't believe it's really happening. To ME!!

Can I just say it - I don't think I've said it thus far. I really hope I look FRIGGIN AWESOME. I've spent my whole life being judged and criticized for my body. You're too chubby, too dark skinned, too tall, sasquatch...

Now I love my skin color, I adore my height, I'm ready to be be HOT, and not with "If blah blah was better or different... just friggin hot!!

So, that's that! I will udpate tomorrow night when I'm finally in bed.

So, it's the night before. I am not feeling calm,...

So, it's the night before. I am not feeling calm, but not looney either. Somewhere in between. I still can't believe it's time. My turn. Wow.

I remember I started thinking about having a TT late last year. I thought, "Hmmm... Maybe someday." And then a few months ago, I thought I'd go ahead and meet a surgeon or two and see if its a real possibility. I remember hubby encouraging me by saying, "If we pay off this and keep up with that, then maybe around November." And there we were in the surgeons office and he's telling me to go for it in May. It sounded so impossibly close.

Then as the weeks passed, it still seemed far away. And here we are. 9 hours away. I leave at 545 in the morning and am to check in at 630. I got a call today. Original plans were to arrive at 6am. Now just a half hour later. 630. The same as my Realself sister, Silversunshine who has truly become a sunshine for me in this journey. That woman's strength is truly a delicious light. Thanks girl, for being there for me! I'm rooting for you, too :)

So many of you I have started to get to know and it's been an honor. I sound all weepy, huh. Hope I don't, I'm hormonal maybe, haha. Just feeling some things.

Who knew this journey would be how it is. So different than I imagined it. It really has caused me to look at myself inside and out.

So, I'm sitting here in bed. Hubby is already asleep beside me. I should sleep too. I'm actually very tired, but don't know how I'm gonna sleep. I'm glad things have fallen into place well.

One thing, my recliner wasn't delivered! Annoying! It should be here by the time I get home tomorrow, though. It had better! I wish I could tell my hubby how much I appreciate him.

Well, I'm gonna try to wind down and relax and rest. I want to be in a good place. I feel anxious. My hands and feet are sweating. Gross! Haha... I hope I can sleep.

Thank you all for thinking of me and checking up on me. This is an elective, cosmetic procedure. And yet it feels like an immense decision, and your words and time have really meant a lot to me. I might update at the center tomorrow as I wait. Otherwise, I'll update when I can! Happy healing to all on the recovery side, and smooth journey to everyone.

6 hours and 26 minutes

I can't sleep at all!! Stomach rumbling and sour. I'm sweating even though it's not hot. Hope I can drift off soon...

Today is the day

I don't think I slept for even five minutes. I sweated the entire night and my stomach rumbled and felt sour but I couldn't "go". Gotta say, I'm glad this part is nearing an end. This waiting part!
We should be leaving in about a half an hour. My mom spent the night so we won't have to haul all three kids out of their beds to go with us, thank goodness. But I'm feeling melancholy like I should write them letters "just in case" ugh! But I don't have time and I'm coming home anyway!

See you guys on the flip side. Wow. Just can't believe it. I could really use a coffee, but no liquids for me!

1 dpo

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I've been sleeping pretty much constantly since coming out. My night nurse even said she couldn't believe it. Hope it's not a bad sign.

Don't know how much skin or fat they got. I'm eager to find out, though.
I'm walking extremely hunched over. I'm very uncomfortable. I feel regretful, but I know it's to be expected and I hope it lifts soon.
My stomach is so flat in the binder, I'm amazed. Can't wait to open it and look. Maybe tomorrow. They said I could shower today but I'm not up for it. Going to the bathroom is hard enough. I'm glad it's done. We went 257cc mod plus implant. My boobs hurt way more than the TT or lipo right now. But I've been told that will change soon.

They thought I'd have to go home with oxygen because my oxygen was at 92. Turns out my nail polish gave the false reading so I'm happy about that.
Everyone wants me to eat but my mouth is so dry, one bite of cracker takes 5 min to swallow. Then nurse gave me soup and I was done after three sips, it tasted way too strong.

Ok, gonna stop now. I'll update soon and I'm sending love and support to my girls whose turn is today!

Thanks for the thoughtful messages. It's so wonderful to feel thought about.

Stiff as a brick.

2dpo. I'm glad I'm on the "other" side of surgery but I'm seriously done with this incredible discomfort and stiffness. I'm beyond bored. I'm really glad I rented the power recliner and the toilet seat riser. I went to the bathroom twice in my own which was nice to see tiny improvements.

I'm such a whiner! I didn't want to be like that! Alas here I am, whiney central. Having trouble peeing. I can but it trickles and stops and I have to push it some which doesn't make my body happy and my neurologist doesn't want me straining because of my vertebral tear. Ayayay.

My boobs are super swollen, but they look like a nice size. I haven't taken off any of my dressings yet. I wonder when I can? I'm afraid hubby won't be able to get it back on right, though. I'm glad I'm drainless but maybe that's why I feel so dang hard as a rock.

Everyday 1% better and it seems to be true.

Pic - all bound up


Super stiff. These days going by so slowly. My butt is numb and my neck stiff. Last pee went well, though. Teensy baby steps...

End of 2dpo

Feeling so blessed. My daughters spent the night at my moms last night so they didn't have to feel weird and out of place. Then tonight they are spending the night at their godmothers house whom they adore. This has kept them having fun without worrying about me. My 6 yo seems very concerned. It's her personality. It makes the baby a bit more high maintenance since he doesn't have them to entertain him.
But they're happy. My mom came over this afternoon to give me a sponge bath and wash my hair in the sink. She didn't give me any attitude and so I was really pleased and relaxed. I felt like a new woman! I even ventured down stairs and sat on the backyard patio enjoying the warm sun. It feels incredible.

Even though I'm tired now, and having soreness and pain as my injected pain killer they gave me during surgery wears off, I'm feeling happy. Happy that this discomfort isn't forever.

Had a peek today but not for long because it was just to pull my binder down. I did limp over to the bathroom mirror to take a couple pics. So here they go.

Oh yeah, another weird tidbit. I have indoor cats. They venture out when we are out, maybe once or twice a month. Never go far. Anyway, one of them brought me a dead mouse and left it at my bedroom door. My husband, who is not a cat person and never had one growing up, thought it was disgusting. And although I'm not a big fan of dead rodents, I just felt like the cat sensed I was sick, and brought me something to eat! How cute! I haven't had a cat do that for me since I lived with my parents as a teen.

Feeling a lot better :)

I know it will take a while to get back, but today, 3dpo makes me feel just so happy. I knew there are more downs to come, but I'm just really grateful for right now. I slept better than since the night before surgery. I woke up craaaazy stiff and swollen, but went to the bathroom myself. My boobs are as hard as rocks. It made me a tad nervous this morning, but I remind myself it's just day three...

I want to walk to my friends house today. She just lives three houses down. I'll see how I feel. I think it might be a tad far, but I'll bring hubby with me. I've been going up and down the hall with each potty break. I don't want to push myself and end up with a setback I could have avoided, but it's doing wondersfor my frame of mind.

Happy healing all!


Fleeing kind of melancholy. Body wise, I felt good, got up on my own and stuff. Coffee was like nectar of the gods. Just had a few sips. Anyway, he is helping but I have to ask, "is it time for my meds?" Ad he gets all irritated when I ask. Hello, eve the nurses said it was his job. When I asked right now, he said, oh you were due 3 hours ago. Yay. No wonder I feel like shit. Where I'm not in pain, it's numb.

He does stuff for me but with so little kindness. I guess he thought it was vacation time and now he's resentful that he's not sleeping in and stuff. Good thing he's not a stay at home dad, he'd run away.

Sorry just venting, just sucks to have these feelings so soon.

Still 3 dpo

The days seem so long! I just woke from a really long nap, like 3-4 hours! I must have needed it because I didn't even move, just slept like a log.

Hubby came in a little bit ago and talked to me. He was a bit defensive but trying to apologize. I told him I know he was song nice things for me, but it's hard to feel like a nuisance just a few days in because I'm calling to see if he can reach something for me. Good thing I'm mobile enough now to get things myself. Anyway,it also was hard to feel like I was such work for him only 3 days in and he's had so much help, the nurse the first night, my mom the 2nd day. I think he might be irritated with having them here, but the alternative is no one taking care of me and me feeling lonely because he's not social. Anyway, I know he feels a little bad and hopefully tries a bit harder. I've taken care of him immensely over the years, it's my turn. Maybe this time will let him see me in a different light. More appreciative of all I do.

So, I was out of my recliner the entire day pretty much, did too much. I bent over to pick something up and felt a pop and immediate burning sensation. I won't be doing that again in the next few days! Other than that, even though I feel super stiff and discomfort, I am feeling hopeful and the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm excited to see what the future brings. Oh yeah, i am SOOOO swollen. Everyone one RS has talked about it, heck it's such a real thing! And numbness, I can't feel my hips at all!
I have some brushing there and I hope he didn't lipo there too much. I've never had much of a waist, so I want to keep snaps and fat there lol.

Reading all about you guys in between my zombie state. Thanks for sharing with me!! This site has been so perfect for me. Thank you all!

Adding quick pic

Finally got a good look at all the work. I look totally beaten up and a mess, but I do have to say.... I'm excited! I'm happy that nothing is bothering me at this point. So you're about to see me in my naked glory. Nips are lower than I expected but maybe as things drop, they'll settle into a good level. I wouldn't mind if they stayed this way either. They project a bit more than I prefer, but that may calm down in time, too. I don't have a teensy waist, but I never have and I'm swollen so it will just get better. I think the transition from above and below incision looks really great. Scar is low, I'm pleased!! And that's a great feeling :)

4 dpo, part 2

Just woke up from super long nap. Three hours or more. I am having this crazy rash breakout behind my arm, near my armpit. It's awful. Extremely itchy and gets very very bumpy. It's awful. I've tried tea tree & e oil which had always worked wonders on my skin irritations, bit it hasn't been able to touch this. So then I moved onto cortaid, which helped a bit yesterday but nothing today, so benedryl was my next thing, it kinked me out completely.

I haven't taken any pain meds for a few hours to try to avoid this rash. Sometimes I have burning sensations here and there but the biggest issue is how stiff I am. I read about it over and over here on realself but you can't imagine it til you've experienced it, eh!?

Hubby and I got into a row. And my cry sounded so weird since I didn't want to clench my midsection. I just want to keep out of the way. Oh the emotional roller coaster. I knew about but wasn't sure how it would manifest and if it would even affect me. Maybe it has, or maybe it's just circumstance. We shall see, but tomorrow will be 5 dpo and it really is passing rather quickly now. :)


I started this update and a minute or so in, my friend came to visit. She brought Starbucks. Hello!! Then about a half hour later, our mutual friend stopped by. We sat and chatted for a good couple of hours in my room. They talked about their procedures. One had a TT and the other had a breast lift. Then we chatted about other random things. It was so nice. They just left be to get their pedicures and I'm sitting resting now. Thank goodness for them because I really had a dark cloud sitting over me.

So, how do I feel today? I had a shower this morning. Washed my hair twice, let the water run over me. The binder which was all stained and gross was hand washed by the hubby. I am amazed at how much I swelled between taking it off and putting it back on. Crazy swell. I loosened the binder last night a bit because my hips and butt were so numb. After I finally got it back on, it feels better but I'm back to feeling half numb again, but it was kind if scary with how swollen I became. I mean, it happened so fast I think i could visibly see my abdomen growing! Freaky.

My boobs are still hard and weird shaped to me. I dunno. I guess I don't feel anything about them right now. They don't hurt or cause discomfort so that's ok. Time will tell whether it was a good idea or not. I showed my friends and they think they look great, but that's friends for ya, ha.

I'm a little nervous. I feel okay. I feel mentally alert, but my body which has had pretty much no painkillers since last night, feels weird. Part numb, part warm. The warm to the touch feeling gives me some worries of possible infection and such.

I have my post-op appt this Thursday. So, we shall see how things go then. I told myself, the next two days is all resting. My next "busy" day is Saturday. I'm gonna make a bunch of food for a friends's daughters graduation party. I wasn't planning on staying but I might. I will park myself on a chair and sit and observe until I have hubby take me home.

So that's that. Been feeling low, a shower, hubby's renewed care for me and better attitude, a visit from friends and a bit of quiet have made me feel a bit better. As for the body, it's coming along slowly, I guess. I can't see much behind the Saran Wrap stuff...

I haven't taken any pain meds except for regular old Tylenol because I've broken out into itchy bumpy red rash. I've tried different topical things to help but they haven't. The only thing that has offered relief is cold compresses on the patches of rash. Those have been the most bothersome. I thought maybe I'm having an allergic reaction, so hubby called in and ps sent me a prescription for Norco? I just took that a few minutes ago. We shall see what happens. I held my babyson for a few cuddly minutes. I just had lunch delivered by hubby. Gonna read a few pages of "Gone Girl" which my neighbor brought by and I've been wanting to read. So far, the best day yet.

5 dpo - part 2

Things were awesome then kind of getting worse fast. But I think it's just mom/wife guilt getting to me. Went downstairs and sat outside, chatting with hubby as he grilled. Had to rush dinner since my 6 yo had piano lessons. I decided to take her since I can't stay with the baby and hubby looks completely exhausted. Be idea to drive. I felt weird the whole way like, "this is not a good idea" but I sat in the car and waited I until she was done and headed home. Baby was screaming and hubby looked like he had given up on life. My daughter was watching tv. I asked if homework was done, etc, things ready for tomorrow. The baby was sticky from playing outside and needed a bath. Hubby was getting attitude from our 8 year old, and I'm the disciplinarian and so I had to take control of that, tell him to bathe the baby, cuddle with the 6 yo because she's feeling neglected. It sucks. I hope hubby sees and appreciates all I do but I think at this point I think he is just feeling sorry for himself. He put the baby to bed after his bath and the baby was screaming in the crib for a long time and that's really hard for me to hear up here as hubby is downstairs drowning out the sound with the tv. Groan. So then I ask my kids to tell daddy to check on the baby and I feel like my hubby is mad at me and he says, "I've had him all day!" Yah, I get that, and we have him til he's 18 or longer, so get up and see what's up. Fever? Teething? Wet washcloth? Tylenol? Maybe a book?gas? It's hard to relax. So again I did too much and I'm beyond swollen. Ugh.

Boobs feel higher than ever and super hard. No it's like,will I heal at all? Thing is, hubby tries hard. The first part of the day, he tries hard but towards the end he wants to give up and it's like nope sorry, gotta keep going til you're done.

I hate this guilty feeling. :(

Yet another update. 5 dpo

Can't blame me. Have all these thoughts and who else to share with but you all who understand! I have to say, so many of you I wish I could know in real life. Such a wonderfully supportive network here and I'm truly grateful. Yes, emotions are getting to me, lol.

So, lets get straight to it. Just had my first bm! Lol! 5 days. And it's probably been more like a week, since I'm not regular to begin with. It wasn't pleasant but I'm sure glad it's done with. Bowels in order, check.

Thanks so much for the replies of support I got for my earlier post of mom guilt. It truly gets on top of me. One of you said I can spoil hubby later. That's right. I can and I will and for now, he's gonna appreciate me a bit more, help me heal, stretch and expect more of himself and he will be rewarded later. Everything seems heavy to me now, everything seems like "a lot" and I have to remind myself it's the hormone changes and body stress, etc. one day at a time.

My back is killing me from the hunching over. My hips are so numb, I can't feel a thing. I hope this sounds normal? Hubby was sweet and said, "just think of the end result!" At this point, it's kind of hard to, but I am trying! I mean, just three days ago I felt completely miserable and regretful. I am up now and improving everyday. I took a Claritin today and it seems to have helped the itchy rash a bit without knocking me out. Cold compresses have also helped. I stopped the Percocet and the Valium. The Norco made me feel weird and loopy. But to be honest, the pain isn't so bad. I'm grateful for that.

Heal, body! No complications! You can do this! My diet the past few days has been okay. I hope being very healthful beforehand lends to my healing. Everything now tastes weird and I have very low appetite. I was 217.8 the morning of surgery and 214.2 the morning after and have held the exact same weight since. Strange! Very curious about the numbers of removed skin and fat.

Ok, I'm rambling, just wish I had you girls all on a conference call so we could chat haha! Night all, for those healing and those preparing :)

6 dpo pics

6 dpo pics

6 dpo - just gonna write how I feel

I don't really feel like being positive right now. So, I'll just tell it like it is. I feel like shit. I don't enjoy complaining. That's not my bag, baby. Lol. I'm actually feeling extremely grateful today. My husband has taken tip top care of business today. He brought me breakfast, and got the kids off to school perfectly. (Shoot, just remembered something he didn't do, but not his fault, he didn't know, lol). Anyway, he and our baby are becoming so close. It's one of he most beautiful things I've seen in my life. Part of it hurts, I miss my baby boy being all mine, but we both needed this. He adores his Daddy and they really have become so much closer in this short week. I also adore the true hugs and cuddles in the moments I am able to hold him.
My children. I can't get over how beautiful they are. So fun and fascinating. So capable. Such brats! Haha. So amusing, so demanding, and so self sufficient too. Such helpers. So dependent. I am in awe of what we have created together, my hubby and I. And usually life is so fast and rush rush that I don't see it. I think in life we are looking for that next thing. The truth is, we have already made it. It's here and happening right now. I appreciate this time for that.

And on the other hand, I feel like I'm missing out. From hiding in my cave on my recliner as the long cold Colorado weather finally warms up and is just perfection. My son, who is a bit delayed physically is going to walk any day now and I'm afraid I will miss it. I act like I'm stuck in here for months or something, lol. When I'm with the family, it's overwhelming and I want to go back to my cave. I feel bad for that, but I'm trying to get over it. Today was actually awesome that I pretty much relaxed all day. And I must have needed it because I took a long nap, too.

I'm really impressed with hubby today. He did lawn work, and even grilled us dinner. He had the baby all day and as I sat in my cave, I could hear him through the window holding our babyson and talking to him about grilling and lawn care, lol. We are dog sitting for a friend (worse timing ever) and I'm overwhelmed up in my cave but hubby didn't seem overwhelmed for a moment, and usually he would be. I think he's even outdone himself. Maybe when I'm not there to be captain, my usually easily stressed co captain is able to take the reigns and absolutely kick ass!!

I'm scared about my body. I believe my surgeon did a good job. I'm afraid of my ability to heal this. I have to remind myself, even if there are complications, I most likely will be able to heal. It will be okay, even if its not okay for a while. What an exercise for the mind this all is, and for that idea alone, it is worthwhile. I guess I really did not really really really think about how long this recovery would be. I don't want to miss summer. Oh, I guess I won't miss it. And hey, I had saggy boobs and a skin apron before, does it really matter that in a bathing suit I'll have a square figure and rather square boobs? Haha!

I'm rambling, and I think it's good that I have. Because through it, I'm remembering that life is good. It doesn't restart after I heal completely. It's happening now. I'm one sexy fox before during and after. I'm fortunate. I'm healing. I'm in transition. What is life but a bundle of transitions. Tomorrow makes one week. It feels like a blink of an eye and like a month all at once.

1 week post op, my check up

As I got ready for my appt this morning, I had a strange crying fit. I showered and tried to find something to wear. My lower back has been aching something terrible, like a 10 out of 10. I am not on regular pain meds, but I probably should just to control the back pain from hunching. Anyway, my binder got wet after my shower and I had hubby out it into the dryer. As I looked for things to wear, I stared to swell. As I waited and waited, I swelled and swelled and it started to make me really anxious. Then I started to panic, and swell even more. Suddenly I'm crying and it's a weird cry because I don't want to stress my abs. My husband has really stepped up. He was calming and sweet and I just so pleased with how supportive he was and juggling everything. Such a huge change after the first few days. I finally got the binder back on and felt a lot better within a few minutes.

My check up was dumb. The nurse called me back, ripped off my Saran Wrap stuff which was way stickier than I had imagined. It caused me to bleed in a couple areas which was kind of alarming since I haven't seen a drop of blood since surgery. She wasn't gentle at all. She wasn't rude, just eh. I hoped she would kindly wash my incisions and then gently cover them in steri strips. But no. She rubbed them with some stanky ass glue, as my scars and dried blood flaked around. Stuck on my steri strips and told me to keep them on for two more weeks and then remove them in the shower. My next appt is mid June, I will probably keep the steri strips on until then. Or maybe replace them after the two weeks.

I was really nauseous on the ride to the clinic. It was my first car ride and my babyson was howling much of the way until I put on Shakira's "La Tortura" which he just loves for some reason. It's a great song, but he just loves it. That, and Gangnam Style, haha. Anyway, after we left, we visited an Asian market to get some ingredients for a party this weekend. They had a motorized cart and my baby sat in my lap and helped me steer. It was pleasant as its been the first time I've been out of the house. The old people walked by me and some smiled, some looked at me with an incredulous look. Glad the baby made most people smile. I got tired quickly, though and by the time I got back into my recliner, I felt nearly drunk with exhaustion.

My right boob is super weird. My left one is okay, nothing impressive. But the right, kind of pointy, hard all over but especially underneath. Groan. Feeling a bit of remorse but it's done now, so let the time pass and see what happens.

One good thing is my belly button was revealed today and it looks friggin awesome, I'm really pleased so far. It looks deep, because I'm so swollen, but it's nice to like something. Also, I have a strange cut/injury on my right side. If had it from the time I woke from surgery. The nurse said, "oh it's probably from your binder rubbing since you're numb" but that's bullshit. I look like I was cut, injured during surgery on accident. I have no doubt I will have a scar, but I hope it's light. My rash has darkened and looks awful. I hope the discoloration isn't permanent. I miss my husband and my kids. I miss cuddling with them. I feel kind of blue. My back aches something terrible from being so hunched over. But, there are times in the day I feel rather well, and I'm glad about it.

Sorry I can't be more upbeat. I don't want to deter the girls waiting for their day to come. I'm sure things will look up as I continue to heal and life gets back to normal :)

8 dpo and maybe the first time I felt excited

This morning, I woke up feeling crap again. My boobs ache and feel hard and tight on my chest. My itchy rash is expanding like wildfire. Itching is truly maddening. But then.... Then I took the photo standing in front of the mirror and for the first time I thought, "Oh my gosh! Ok. Ok..... I am going to really love this someday!" Just had to share that bit of positivity since I tend to feel like a gray cloud lately. Thanks for all your encouragement n
And hanging in with me girls. You've been lights for me, truly!

8 dpo - part 2

Got my Marena stage 1 garment today and my implant stabilizer. First thing, that implant stabilzer is really uncomfortable. I don't like it! I think I'll just wear it an hour a day until it bothers me less. Second, ohhh yesssss... Pulled on my stage 1 leg less compression garment. Feels awesome! So snug and wonderful. Ahhhh.... I won't sleep it in but it feels nice on. Seems to help my back a little bit, too. I've got my binder on top as well.


So, I'm not sure if I really addressed this, but I am being plagued by this awful itchy rash. It's just awful. It's nothing new to me, really, since I have a dashing auto immune disease, but it's controlled by pretty heavy medications, so don't have to deal with it on a daily basis anymore. I know after the body goes through trauma, it's normal to have these sorts of things flare up. After I had my 3rd child, I had to get an injection of prednisone to help my body. Bit after this surgery, nothing changed in the ways od meds. I'm still on my usual meds, but now I take Claritin, Benadryl, cortaid, and other hydrocortisone creams, Benadryl gel, gold bond soothing etch spray, numbing gels and creams. It really is maddening. The patches of rash show up anywhere, they discolor my skin and I scratch and then get broken blood vessel dots. Right now, a few hours ago my right breast looked normal. Now it's black and red bruised and also bumpy and red itching rash. It's misery. My back, butt, thighs, abdomen, shoulders, arms, at any time I are being plagued by this maddening rash. Usually, the doc would prescribe a steroid pack to help. I haven't called because I, already on steroids, have been for years, so I didn't want more, but after seeing the rash turn into skin discoloration and now my breast looks like it was used as a punching bag, I've called my surgeons office. I hope they call back soon.

At me post-op she just parroted the usual stuff, obviously not knowing what the heck my history is. So I just nodded and mmhmm but I also hoped there would be an improvement. It seems to be worsening. :(. I'll let you know what comes next.

End of 8 dpo

Ok, nurse called back. After chatting a bit, I will go ahead and start a steroid pack. I think it's the best decision. I also am going to experiment and try to not let my binder touch my skin at all tomorrow. I'll do wife beater and undies underneath. I bet my new cg has latex in it, so I'll leave it off tomorrow too. I am sensitive to latex, but never thought i was allergic enough to develop a rash.

So, one little strange thought today. Let me know what you think. Quick whine. Showed my friend my results today and she loved them, but she said something that I'm sure was supposed to be a compliment but kind of had me feeling like, "noooooooooo". She said, "It looks awesome! Like you're the same size, you dont look like youve lost any weight or anything, but you look streamlined. I don't think anyone will notice, they'll just notice you look great!" Which is what I want, of course, I don't want people looking at me and going TUMMY TUCK AND BOOB JOB, but I do want to look slimmer! If I paid 18k to look like, "hmm, she looks a little different" that's gonna annoy me! I admit, my dresses fit the same. The one pair of shorts I put on did look huge and ridiculous, but they still fit, in a way. I guess I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe this is what I want. To look better. But I guess, I expected it to be more drastic? I dunno!

I mean, I actually think my size might not change at all! But everything will fit better because Im more proportionate. I don't have THE FLAP. But to be told, "you don't look like you've changed sizes or lost weight, but look good!" Makes me feel like what the EFF!!

On one hand, I think "great that's what I want........... Or do I?" Thoughts? I look in proportion. I can continue to lose weight or just get in even better shape without the excess skin hindering me and pulling my pants down with each burpee. That's good. It just seems like a lot of money, pain, time and debt to look "a bit better" lol... Oh well, too late now! I think this is what I do want. Just felt weird to hear it, I guess.

Thoughts on 9 dpo

I can not believe I am 9 days post op!! After all that waiting, I am now 9 days in the other direction! How do I feel? I feel okay! I'm still very hunched, but I'm less numb in my hips. I feel less "all over trauma" which is of course wonderful! My boobs are hardest in the mornings, my while body stiff and achey. A bit of movement loosens me up a bit and that helps a lot. The first part do my day is the best. Too bad my first social gathering post op starts at 5pm! That's mid nap time for me! Lol. Soon, I'll say bye bye to naps. I haven't had a nap since a few days after my last child was born, lol. So I'm taking full advantage. Too bad it took me a week to get into the groove of relaxing and being guilt free. I think I'm there now. Big smile!

Thanks so very very much girls for your response. You truly are a great friends. Silver, my TTsister for life! lol!

I do often wonder if people have any idea all the work, thought, change and effort I put into changing my health. From over 300 lbs and processed heavy food every day, to juicing veggies and fruit, more raw eating, less packaged foods, being extremely conscientious about allergies and chemicals, changijg the wai i bake and prep and learning about where our food comes from, how to put it into action with my family. Not many people know about my weight loss surgery, but those who do, have probably told others and its like, that didn't make it easy. I self paid for that to have an insane and huge impact not just on my life, but my marriage. It wasn't all positive. Food was how we bonded, something we enjoyed together during a time where we enjoyed very little else about each other. Major life overhaul. And now this, workout workout workout HARD and almost every day. And I am so proud of the strength that I feel. Yet I know people see me and think, "oh if she would just put down the fast food" not knowing I haven't so much as gone through a drive through in over a year, and even then it wasn't for me! Yknow? It doesnt matter what they think and they no doubt think about it less than i think, but this health inside and out can not be accomplished by just going into debt paying for surgeries.

This morning, I think it's gonna be wonderful. Barring no complications arise, it's gonna be nice to go into a store, maybe still be an XL that I pull off the rack and that's okay, but bei able to fit stuff because of my proportion. No more extra thought about, I will just follow hubby around in this store because I can see things for myself. Do I want to skydive? Yes, I am under the weight limit now for tandem. Can I wear this dress in the wind? Can i buy this dress in purple istead of parterned? Yes, because no me will see the "smile" outline, or the inner tube of fat going around the middle.

One of the most unflattering things ever on me are cargo pants. Recently, I bought some fun clothes for Zumba. Yep, I bought cargos, just hoping. Super tight in my flap, smoothed out the fabric to such a degree, it looked like it woke rip, but that was UNDER the waistband! The waistband fit fine, the rest of the pants perfect fit, it was the flap. I will be able to wear those now without the thought. That's amazing.

You're right Silver, I don't need anyone else to be bowled over by my results but my hubby and I. I love fashion, and I do think I did a pretty good job at hiding it. Several times as my date neared, I exposed the flap to a few close friends almost as if to justify my surgery to them. How silly if me. How human of me. One person who had one herself even though she was also thin and it was a mini TT has been extremely supportive and has told me, it will change your life. She has said for like a year, "you will be sooooo happy". I look at her befores and see zero difference in photos. I do see she is completely flat now. And I'm happy she had it because she is so happy now and that alone is worth it. (Not to mention she got it in e military and paid 3K!!! Lol) It must be the type of situation where you just have to "know what it's like" to get it. That makes sense to me.

Good day

You girls are so awesome and supportive. I think she meant it as a complement. In a weird way, or an honest opinion. She's not the type to be jealous that I've ever experienced and e talk a lot. She recently had lipo in several areas and a breast lift. I think what she meant were some truths. I haven't changed size. Pants that were tight, now fit well. But I haven't gone down a size. I think I will when I stop swelling and drop another 5-10 real pounds. But I know what she said could have used soe clarification or thought when being said.

So today was that graduation party, our mutuals friends oldest daughter graduated from high school. She's a beautiful, brilliant, spirited, mature girl. She's so awesome. Looking at her, though, I wanted to just face palm myself. I can't believe I got married at 19. What. The. EFF. I sure wish I had a closer relationship with a woman who I could talk to. I love my mother, bt she's always been controlling and accusing, that I could never share freely so her my thoughts. She would shoot down my feelings without letting me have them, without respecting my young humanity. I hope to be different with my own daughters. Sigh...

Anyway, moving on... It was the first time my friends were seeing me post surgery. Two had already seen me, but I was wearing a muumuu in my recliner with one, lol, and the other is that neighbor who we spoke of before. I wore a long form fitting-ish skirt. And a tight tank top. NO BRA!!! No bra people, and they were up and had a great shape LOL. Even though I'm still unsure about them bare, in cloths they do look great. Very natural in size and shape. Well, kind of. They look like I am wearing a bra. Which is cool.

Anyway, they were bowled over. I could see it in their eyes. One if them told me, "you look proportional. You look just perfect." She's not one to give compliments right and left either. It was nice to feel that validation. For the first time I feel sure that I'm glad I did this. I started to feel better a couple of days ago, but today I felt very sure. I of course still beg and hope no complications arise, but it was nice to be told by everyone. I didn't like the attention too much because there were many people, I didn't know.i could also tell that they told a couple people I didn't tell, because they are close enough acquaintances. I'd rather they have not known, but it's not a big deal. I just don't need it publicized on facebook, you know? Lol

Wish I got a pic. I was still fairly hunched over and that made me more self conscious than anything.


Feeling at 60% today. At one point felt at 75% but hunched walking and rapid swelling took things down a few percentages lol. But I'm glad that I'm doing well. Ate potato chips today. They were homemade and oh so more-ish, we shall see how that sodium affects me! My monthly is due tomorrow. Hope it doesn't affect me too much. Nor my pain.

Wore a bikini today. Sunbathed and read a book in my backyard with my daughters. I'm not a bikini person. I owned it to take weight loss progression pics. I should find the old ones! Falling asleep so I'd better grab on. Been havin a hard time sleeping th last few nights.

Memorial Day 12 dpo

Just put up a new pic collage.

I've been really busy these days and spend most of the day up and about. I'm not standing up straight just yet but closely. Me surgeons office told me to stand up a little straighter every day. I haven't but I did try each day this weekend. The only issue is today I felt a popping and burning sensation in my left hip. I have dissolvable sutures but I think me stretching out it making it happen. I wish they dissolved completely and didn't pop or cause any pain!

I want to update but I'm getting sleepy. I have been sleeping rather badly the past couple of weeks, so I want to grab on when I have the strength.

I'm super swollen in the pic I posted. It's late at the end of a long day. There are several things I'd like to chat about but the sleep calleth. Miss you girls and hope we can catch up soon?

13 dpo - I feel Awesome!! And I flippin LOOK awesome, too! haha

I didn't put the pic of up last night, I guess, whoops. I was drowsy tired as I had just taken a valium. I have been on just tylenol, but after being busy for three days straight, my back was seriously killing from all the hunching. So anyway, obviously was only half "there" in the above update.

OK! So, here we are. A few days ago you remember I woke up, saw my body and was like "Oh wow - it's going to look great! I'm no longer apprehensive about all this!" Well, set in full vanity, man because this morning I looked at my body and was like "Goodness me, I look AWESOME!!" I don't care one bit if this sounds like vanity. I am so excited about it and proud. I have never felt this excited about my bod, and it's a new experience and I'm so pleased! And in order to reiterate how this all goes, I busted out our old external hard drives to find some OLD pics.

Okay, so my highest weight was in the 330s. I think I was pregnant, I don't even know. I just assumed - how else could I have gotten up that high in my mid-20s? But as I started to look through pics this morning and I could see the dates, I realized, no, I was not that weight pregnant. I was just that dang weight. I gave birth to my 2nd at 278 lbs. I got up to 336 when she was about 2-3 years old. I joined Slimgenics (eating program) and lost about 60 lbs. Got down to about 270... started to gain again. Got up to 309. Booked myself in for a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, self paid with Dr. Alvarez in Mexico. He's awesome and I believe, very trustworthy - very very popular, very very busy on his website and youtube channel. Very open and easy to contact. He now operates within Texas, I think. But he does seminars there and get togethers each year. Anyway, he wanted me to get under 300 lbs by my surgery date. I was 297 the day of surgery.

I'm going to add some pics after this entry. I found a pic of me in my 330s and even ME. I mean, it was ME... but even I was really shocked and surprised. I felt sad. Oh my gosh, how did I let that happen to myself? I remember the feelings, the confusion, the tough way that life was back then, I really do. The fog has lifted and I'm SO pleased about it now. I want to carry my pics around and show them to anyone I come across who i might come into conversation with just to inspire them of what's possible. So, I'm gonna share them here with you!

So, like I said - I woke up this morning thinking my bod looked ROCKIN. I am still of course swollen (and this morning as some of the swelling lessens, I noticed I am a bit more swollen on one side than another, and there is fat left over above my bb. But puh-lease, I don't give one hot damn at this moment. My scars and rash are still plaguing me, but a bit improved from the prednisalone pack (but is not gonna get it to go away completely, so time will tell and I will deal with it as it comes. With my autoimmune disease, I have learned that I can't panic with that sort of thing. It just is. I used to panic. It used to be very scary beacuse if you google my autoimmune disease "Linear IgA Bullous Dermatosis" you can see why so much as finding an itchy allergic patch or a hive has the power to send me into a panic attic. No longer! What will be will be when it comes to that. I just hope TIME magazine was true when they said "We foresee a cure for most autoimmune diseases within the next 10 years." it's just a line, just a prediction, but as you can imagine, it is hope for me. Because even though I don't have to live with my disease being full blown everyday (when I got close, it was extremely scary and not easy to forget).

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm happy! I slept in my recliner as usual last night, but when I woke, my lower back is just not happy. So, I migrated over to bed and slept on my side for about an hour. That was the first time. It was a little uncomfy because of my breasts are still hard, and laying on my incision for pretty much the first time. I had my binder on, which helped the discomfort of my midsection shifting. But, it was a nice change and I slept hard for about an hour.

Now the day is upon us and I'm ready to go and get moving. I reallly believe after the first 3 days that seemed like impossibility (some people seemed to really have those first few days easier, but the general consensus seems to be, they bloody suck), each day has gotten better and after the first week, the day improves by 5-8 percent better than the day before. Unlike the first few days where its like 2-3 percent better, lol.

Anyway, I'm gonna hop to my other coputer and upload some pics. I look friggin awesome. I'm very pleased. I'm no where near any perfection by any one else standards. My disease over the past three years, and also health issues before that caused major hairloss. But I've become into wigs and stuff - I'll upload a pic of one of my newest sexy wigs! But I'm feeling light and happy and just excited about what's next. And this was what surgery was supposed to bring me, right?

I still haven't reached two weeks, so I have to make sure I pay attention to my body, slow down and rest and heal and not just go gung ho and cause a complication. But man, I'm feeling like a ten this morning and I just had to share! :D

I rushed that recent entry...

And the sleep that was trying to call me into the land of nod flitted off as soon as I went to take off my contact lenses.

It's been such a busy weekend. From the grad party on Saturay. Then out shopping for several hours on Sunday to help my mom shop for something to wear for a wedding. Then today we did a picnic at the park and then followed up hosting a last minute BBQ with my parents and two families visiting. It was a success and I'm glad they all came. Everyone had a good time, especially hubby which is good since he's been working hard around here. I'm glad my two friends are take control girls, my mom was here and hubby was also in control so I didn't do too much except be the intermediary between everyone. Woman of the household and all. I have been pushpin myself a little bit too much. I could feel my body calling out for a. Est and two times I had to give in and retreat to my recliner upstairs (which is where I am now) a couple times for a ten to fifteen minute mini relax.

I'm very swollen but nothing out of the ordinary. Seems like a reasonable amount with how busy I am. I took some pics tonight if the swell.

I think I'm healing really well and I'm rather pleased. I still haven't seen my incisions really, but what I can see I'd they are even and pretty from the front but I also had an "aggressive extended TT" which is what he told me within minutes if my rolling in. Argh!

Swollen but toning alarming, I, falling asleep while I type this so let me recover and talk about it again, intruding ok ........ Valoum is kicking , I'll update skin!

Ok, the update above this one...

Was meant tone BEFORE the update above that! Don't know how that happened.


13 dpo... But only because its 4am and I can't sleep

What is the deal with my whacked out sleep schedule? I don't get it! Maybe it's the valium? I take it at night because that's when my backache always seems to kick in from the all day hunch. Speaking of which, when am I gonna stand up straight?? Anyone out there? I look 90 % straight up when II'm out. In the house, earlier in the day I'm 80%. As the day continues I hunch more, lol. You all know the story! Anyway, so I don't take pain meds really. The valium in the beginning seemed to make me sleepy. So I've been taking it at night but it seems like I'm up later and later each night! Maybe adverse effect? Hmm... Maybe I'll experiment tomorrow night with just some Tylenol and see.

I'm gonna start a juice fast soon. I've done several in the past. I'm not one to do super long ones, but I could use the boost of vitamins. And silversunshine pointed out, we aren't super active so the calorie deficit shouldn't be a negative thing. I don't juice fast for weight loss. I wouldn't mind a bit of a detox with all the meds going on and my cray cray rash. I could probably use a good clearout. I meant to start earlier, but we have plowed through our produce. Been doing smoothies once a day for the whole fam with lots of fruit and veg. But I'm gonna juice. I might still do a salad at lunch, we will see how I feel.

Alright, babbling out of boredom. Night all...

2 weeks post op

Wow, this time has flown by, it seems. And in other ways it feels like it's been ages since I could function normally. I'm doing way too much but I feel like hubby is losing it and things do seem like they're falling apart. We fought today and I'm glad he does admit appreciation for what I do. He's got a little teensy taste, but that's it. I mean, I wiped me and the kids schedule completely clear. And it's the end of the year so they've had hardly any homework at all. No appts. I've set up childcare and play dates and things to keep the kids busy so he doesn't have to. People tell me to rest and things won't fall apart, but man they seem to be eating close!

I did too much today and I'm paying for it, or maybe this is just normal and would happen anyway. I'm incredibly swollen right now. I feel like someone stuck a bike pump in my belly button and pumped away. I'm sitting here and have rolls of "fat" in front of me. I know it's not, but it's that bad. Ugh. Very uncomfortable.

Today is day one of my juice fast and I feel like I want to gnaw off my fist. I'm also on day 2 of super heavy monthly, tmi, and I'm feeling ravenous.

Volunteered in my 6 year olds class today. I
Mostly sitting work so that was fine. Was nice to be out and about. I'm in that weird head space that I read others go through. I feel really flabby. I'm desperate to get back to the gym and have more control over what I'm eating. Hubby loves to cook and usually I'm in charge and do most of the cooking. He's an excellent cook but he doesn't go light. Yesterday I wanted him to stop bringing me stuff, if I had said no, he would feel very hurt and that would turn into anger with me. (Aspergers spectrum, but that's another website entirely) so even though I haven't eaten much, hello swell! Today I haven't but now I'm desperate to follow the smells downstairs. If it weren't for how much I was swelling, I'd be attacking whatever he's making. Smells like curry. Swoon!

Anyway, feeling huge. Hope this swelling subsides, even though I read people are dealing with this months out. The numbness. It's 100 x worse right now than ever. Anyone else??

15 dpo

I don't know why I keep making my titles like that now that RS does it for us. Anyway, is it too early for an implant to "bottom out"? I know, I know, it's too early to tell. But man, my right implant really a stubbon mutha. My left one doesn't look much different, but it feels nice, even, a little jiggle and wiggle in my walk. My right, hard - and I can feel the implant at the bottom. It doesnt feel like there's a layer of fat around it like it does on my left. I see a bit of a different shape coming on - either that or swelling is going down and now I can just tell some difference. I dunno. But out of everything, its the only thing that concerns me.

I guess my other issue is just how MUCH swelling I have. I mean, no joke. LOTS of swelling. Today, I wore Spanx - the kind that goes all the way up to your bra. And I swelled like crazy. I was cleared to wear spanx at two weeks but this was my first time. I only did it becasue my marena is so wide set at the straps and high backed that it limits my wardrobe a lot.

Did I mention, though, that I looked HOT today!!?? Haha... if I end up healthy and healed - this was seriously, seriously worth the moolah.
OH - other than some burning when I sit on a harder chair, my back is still almost completely numb from the lipo and still swollen too. I wonder what the timeline for that is to heal? The holes have healed completely. I should start scar treatment on them - but that would require hubby's help. OH - I reached up relaly high today to get something at a store and my right boob really stung. That was the 2nd time I did that. I hope I'm not "damaging" anything.

Just pics of my bratlings

When people see me out with these brats of mine - are they gonna wonder, "How did she have THOSE, and have that flat stomach!!?" Haha I also just added links so that you could see them larger than the examples that RS allows. Since the photos aren't very close up. CUTE, huh? brats!!!

And just adding direct photos to rs.

Back to everyday life, for the most part! Updates...

If I had a go-to job, especially an office job, I'd be fine to go back now. I'm back to everyday life for the most part. I pick up my son with no problem even though I suppose maybe I'm not supposed to. I feel no pain or discomfort when I do. I'd say my only problem is when in the kitchen, reaching up very high, hurts the bottoms of my breasts.

I wear either my binder or my marena most of the time, unless I can't find anything to wear, then I wear a spanx that has no arm straps. I ordered another marena with no straps and I hope it arrives tomorrow because even though the spanx feels very tight, it's only very tight at the top and so I swell, still. The Marena is tight and firm throughout, and so it works very well. I just hope the strapless Marena stays up and doesn't roll down and I should be good to go.
I wear my binder at night and around the house and the Marena when I'm out of the house. The binder doesn't seem to be tight enough anymore, so I'm just yanking it tighter and tighter

My juice fast lasted 2 days. I'm aiming to continue tomorrow. I'm not fussy about being strict, but when I eat, it prolongs the "hungry" period for longer. On fasts, usually around day 5 the super energy kicks in and I don't feel hungry anymore, but when I eat, my stomach wakes up and is like FILLLL MEEEE!!! So, we will see how it goes. But I do want to make the effort. Hubby has been "in charge" and he seriously gets in the most junk food I've ever seen! I've always been in charge of grocery shopping, but I've also always been the one with the weight problem. So, to see how my husband shops without me has been a shock! I don't say much because I don't want him to feel parented and I know it's temporary, but I had guests this morning over and I actually felt ashamed seeing what was in the pantry!!! Lol! I'm actually looking forward to getting back in charge because what I've been eating has been ridiculous. I mean, not even real food sometimes! LOL

Body wise, I'm healing well. A piece of my steri strip fell off, only about 2" long. Okay, okay, I admit I helped it "fall off" but I got a first view of my TT scar and its beautiful. I know it can change with hormones and sunlight, etc. I keloid scar sometimes and have some from biopsies in the past few years that are very very dark. I hope that doesn't happen, but those are also in places where the sun hits. I hope the scar just improves from here on out, but if they don't, they look wonderful.
I started using my Prosil stick on the little two inches.

Left breast is still doing well. The tape is still on those, too, so I haven't seen the scar or my new lifted areola outlines. My right breast, I'm still not convinced. It's still hard, the bottom is a bit square. The way the fat sits at the side makes the shape a bit weird, but all in all, I also can't complain. It's been such a vast improvement. I'm honored, fortunate, pleased and grateful that I am safe and healthy, healing well and comfortable. My rash has subsided greatly and is annoying me at 5% what it used to. I'm still very scarred, which is surprising the extent. If I were looking forward to a bikini, it wouldn't happen with all the discoloration. Not that that sort of thing should stop anyone. I'm just not used to it yet.

I have been looking at bathing suits, including bikinis for hubby. Haven't tried one on yet in store. BUT I did retry on my other suits as I have a couple I invested in last year, a Becca Ltd and a Monif C. They still fit but look wayyyy more awesome than before, so I'm quite happy about it. Even though they are still "plus sized" suits, they are beautiful, well made and were really expensive LOL so I'm glad to be able to use them and wear them with more confidence than before. My breasts look lovely in them. They don't look too big, but they fill the cups so I don't have to worry about them flipping and floating out of the cups like last year, lol. I'm very pleased :)

I wore a dress today I bought surely 3 years ago and never left the house in. It was too small when I bought it. I lost weight and it fit, but then my saggy breasts looked very odd in them. Today I put it on and it fit to perfection. But I felt very x-rated and paranoid the entire time. I wasn't busting out, either.

Anyway, one other new issue, small issue but noticeable to me is the fat above my BB. I don't know of maybe I'm just less swollen so the fat there is more pronounced, OR if even though I haven't gained weight, I am probably losing muscle since I'm not working out, maybe I am gaining fat and that's where I'm gaining it? I'm looking forward to getting back to my normal routine. After such an investment, I'm very conscious of not wanting to "ruin" anything. Which is a strange feeling. Being morbidly obese for so long, changes were gradual and small weight gain and loss didn't show. This will be different and I don't want to obsess. Just want to protect and maintain my investment, my gift that I very much am enjoying.

Also: still hunched. Lots better, but I hunch more as the day goes on. I look so square when I hunch. When I force myself to stand up straight, I can see some shape and that's so nice! I've got all sorts of great physical challenges planned when I get the go ahead. So excited to get active with my new body!

Oh yeah, one more thing. I've been suffering from very bad plantar fasciitis for a couple of years now. Well, for like ten years but the last year and a half have been crippling. I could hardly take two steps barefoot. No more flip flops like... Ever. Orthotics and inserts galore. BUT, since surgery, the day after, it has disappeared. I think my body has been so focused on my recovery, it's taken a vacation on my feet! It's hard not to enjoy the pain free existence and skip around in cute shoes! But it has been so debilitating, I haven't taken much risk. I admit to barefoot walking in the house and leaving the house twice in super cute flats! Anyone else's aches and pains taken a vacation?

17 dpo pics

Not a lot to show, really, since I'm still covered in tape. But from what I can see, there is not puckering or anything. Surprising and artful since I had a substantial panniculis removed. Very pleased. When shall I take this darn tape off!? Haha

Again, end of day photo.

Reaching too high!

Just when I felt like why did I buy all these crazy supplies!!?? I'm washing with hibiclense and applying manuka honey. I noticed some yellow spots on my binder. Had hubby check under the boob and he says, "I'm not happy with what I see." That made me a bit nervous. There's a little hole. It looks like healthy tissue under my left breast, oddly enough, not the "trouble boob" but I think it's been happening when I'm reaching too high up in the kitchen. I'm gonna need to bring in one of the kids steps tools or ask people to help me more. I'll post pics.
Washed with hibiclense, applied manuka homey on the open wound part and a new strip of steri strips. I'm gonna order some more before I log off tonight as well. I was a tad surprised that the scar under that breast is fairly bumped up and "ropes" but it's early and it's ok. Just hope it heals quickly :)

Tried on clothes at Maurice's earlier today. It was so neat to just fit stuff. It was so weird to have what some might consider another "problem" area. I never considered myself to have big legs. But I tried on some jeans, they buttoned over my belly, size 13/14. Hurray! But they were tight and felt oddly low on the waist. My thighs looked really thick! I don't mind, I like that look, but I've never felt that they were "big" so it was a new feeling.

I was happy, though. Happy is good :). I did the required realself post op fitting room pics. Ill share soon :)

The under boob hole

Looks healthy enough but I'll have to keep a close eye on it. Gonna buy more steri strips today. Was kind of surprised that the scar is kind of thick and "ropey". Will start scar therapy as soon as its healed.

3 weeks post op!

Hubby extended his staying home a few more days and will return next Monday instead of today like he was meant to. (Today Wednesday, even thought its Thrusday since its just past midnight.) I'm glad he did. Even though I feel great, I'm still very happy to pass on the constant up and down with this heavy demanding baby of ours, who at 15 months still refuses to walk. He's a bit delayed which is fine, but it would have been much easier for me if he could walk or at least stand by the time he returned to work. The other day, I couldn't find my keys in my purse, so I'm standing in the parking lot, it was super windy, I had bags in my arms and him, and couldn't find them without putting him down. He can't stand yet, so I set him on the curb so I could find the keys and there he goes, off crawling in some nasty sticky mystery spot in the parking lot while my bags are blowing over and I've got receipts flying out of my purse. Argh!! Things like that. He has the mind and desires of a busy toddler, but not the physical ability, which means his temper and patience is extremely short as well. Argh!

Anyway, I'm feeling good. Today was the first day I removed the steri strips. They are supposed to stay on until I hit 4 weeks, but they were looking so nasty, so I bought a new box, removed my strips in the shower, saw all my scars for the first time before putting on new strips. Good as new!! Took photos as well.

So, I have been so focused on my hangy belly skin that I didn't pay much attention to my other body issues. Which is a good thing, really. I see the other things now, but I'm happy to say, I don't really care. I can't expect to look like I have the body of a 20 year old or even 31 year old as I am who has never been overweight or bore a child. This body is mine and it is lovely. But I do see a few things I'll point out as has to do with my surgery.

I tend to swell a lot over one side of my scar. It creates a shadow underneath it and I can see it through tight shirts and the line through my compression garments. No biggie, but I do hope it lessens with time and sign actually a fat deposit. Despite have back lipo, I did not have lipo at my armpits or sides next to my breasts, so even though the projection of my implants has helped, and some fat was removed during back lipo, I am still left with the loosened skin of all the weight I've lost over the past three years, and when naked, it creates an undesirable look. Lucky for me, I don't walk around naked, so with a bra, the flop of skin is not obvious.

I drew circles around the scarring that the crazy post surgery rash left. It doesn't seem to be lightening in real life but there is some difference in the photos so I will believe it is improving. My bruising is lessening, and dropping down my body which is interesting. Oh! The hole under my left breast is still there, unchanging, but it still looks healthy, white tissue. No sign of infection, so that's good. I saw my untapped nipples for the first time and they look great, the shape is even and the size is nice. The scars from the lollipop incision are very beautiful to me. Maybe they will darken but I'm extremely pleased with how they look now. Everything is going very well! I am swelling like craycray and sometimes it still surprises me. My Marena is incredible, I can't sing its praises enough. But I still haven't received my stage 2 strapless girdle and I hope to, soon.

What else, what else. Clothes are an issue. I finally tried on some jeans and what my friend warned me would happen, actually has. She complains about the size of her butt all the time. Which seems silly, her butt is amazing. But anyway, she thinks it's too big and she told me she never thought so until after her tummy tuck. Well, she was right. I went to try on jeans. I tried on a 13/15 at Maurice's and I haven't worn that size since I was a 13 or 15 year old! Haha, but omg it was a near impossibility yanking those things above my thighs and butt! I don't think my butt is too big but it's so weird to have this new "problem"! Lets just hope having stretch in jeans never ever ever goes out of style ;). Lol

All in all, I feel beautiful. I feel balanced. I feel like all parts of me match each other and in my opinion I no longer have a "problem area". I don't think my stomach is "flat", even though it SO is compared to before, to me, it is still rounded and supple and looks natural.

One weird thing is, I read that people who get their boobs done often wake up thinking their boobs are huge or too small, etc, and they settle and seem smaller with time. I woke up thinking they were the perfect size and even a little on the smaller size. I was happy!! Now? I think they are huge. I've been calling them kncokers, lol. And singing "racks on racks on RA-ee-acks!" whenever I'm getting dressed. It's a new experience dressing this body, I've been surprised that even though in some ways it's easier, it definitely is easier, the clothes I own were for my old body. I don't want to buy a lot since I'm still swelly, but it's gonna need to happen slowly. I have such a hard time finding things to wear!

All in all, I'm great, healing well. I really want to return to the gym and have even been having gym dreams LOL.
Also, rent a center took my power recliner today, boohoo!!! Tonight is my first night back in bed. I can't sleep flat but I have pillows for under my knees. I'll attach update pics. Hope you're all well!!

^^^ update above

My scar keeps changing sides due to how my photo is taken, using a mirror or whatever. Lol FYI. And even though I'm still not convinced with my breasts and their shape, I'm starting to like them. They're curvy and full in bras and shirts. Still not sure I'd do them over again but I do like em more as time moves forward.

Morning pic

I'm definitely slimmest and less swollen in the morning. Put on my underwear and was pleased with the shape for sure. Last night was the first time I slept on bed since rent a center came to get my beloved power recliner. I thought I was ready. It wasn't long enough anyway so my legs would hang off, but I didn't sleep well. I still can't lie flat comfortably so it was my first time spending so much time on my sides - and incisions. I noticed the swelling and numb sensation seemed to fall towards whatever side was on the bed. I'd get very numb and swollen, then I'd turn to my other side and the numbness and swelling would slowly transfer to that side. Then this morning I lightly massaged myself trying to dissipate some of the numbness.

Feeling a little bummed out that the clothing styles I want to wear and should finally fit, don't fit over these knockers. I knew 457 moderate plus was a larger implant but it wasn't unreasonable for my size and height. He measured me and said the smallest I should go was 420 moderate. So since I read so much of people saying go bigger, they'll settle, I went a bit bigger. They just seem bigger each day lately. Maybe as some of my swelling goes down elsewhere? Maybe they'll continue to drop and seem less bananas.
I take big knockers anyway over belly flap, but it is kind of annoying at this point.

All in all, just updating but don't want to sound negative. I'm very pleased with my surgeons work, I feel great for 3 weeks out and am still pleased and amazed at the transformation. :)

Feeling down

I'm doing a lot, I'm up all day. Go go go. I got tired, had a migraine. Took all three kids out this evening to this kids event at the mall. Came home after a few hours, stomach killing because I'm still a once or twice a week BM person, and husband was being mean and pissy because I was in the bathroom so long and had a migraine earlier. It's not like me to take time to care for myself. I always force myself to be with everyone and set aside how I'm feeling and this is why, the guilt. My mom put guilt on me the other day, too. I'm stressed and tired and busy. I know my husband is tired, but so am I. A different tired. I feel like I'm not allowed to be. I have to hurry up and be back to normal. I know I should rest. My body is telling me to. But I have to ignore seriously sucks. I feel sad. I hope a good nights rest will do me well.

My 8 year old has her dance recital is this weekend. I'm excited to watch her

Infection in left breast

Fever came on me quick. Breast has that little raw bit for a few days but today it felt sore, I felt unwell, then a couple of hours ago, fever came upon me FAST. Pain got a lot worse really quickly. Dr. Called and checked in, sent antibiotics to pharmacy. I'll start them tonight. I really hope this whole issue doesn't get any worse. Please!! I feel awful which surprises me because the breast doesn't look all that bad.

Infection update

Still same day but I wanted to update. I was so pleased my surgeon called twice and reassured me and gave me things to look for. He gave me his cell number since its the weekend. I will try not to abuse it, haha.
However, now underneath the breast is red and hot. I took my first antibiotic. I realllllly hope it doesn't give me a yeastie. That'd be so awful to add to the discomfort. I removed steri strips, washed up with hibiclense, put on neosporin like the doc suggested and replaced the strips. When hubby was putting them on, I lifted my left arm so he could put the tape underneath and I suddenly felt really lightheaded. And before I could finish the sentence, "I feel like I'm gonna faint.... Hunny IM GONNA FFFF----" I was leaning into him, nearly drooling and breathing quickly. He shuffled me to the bed and finished putting in the strips. I feel better now but that was really odd and kinda scary.
My surgeon said it was "kind of late to get an infection" but not unheard of especially in this location. I really hope it closes up soon.
But that's my update. Gonna chug down the kefir and keep super hydrated and hope to stave off any yeasties.

I probably should go to the ER to be honest

Last night I had such fitful sleep. Pain, the worst I've had through this entire ordeal now sits in my left breast and affects my movement in my left arm as well. Motrin doesn't even barely touch the pain and fever. The fever is unrelenting.even though it doesn't get very high, it's almost always there. If I take fever reducer, it works for maybe an hour and then it's back. It really wants to be here. The pain is really impressive. Just a little hile under the breast and that part doesn't hurt at all. It's all over, on top and within and kills. I am often shuddering violently with chills. I felt near death when showering and bathing my daughters today in preparation for my 9 year olds dance recital. After getting out myself it's like I couldn't recover. I was shaking so violently, my 6 year old covered me and I groaned. I desperately wanted and needed he,p from my husband but we had just fought because he said he's depressed and his life sucks and he's overwhelmed. Ugh. So, I couldn't ask him. I ended up calling my mother over to help. We had a falling out earlier in the week, but she was able and willing to he,p so I was grateful. I'm back in Norco for pain but that does nothing for my fevers. So I'm also on ibuprofen for the fevers.

At my daughters recital, about 1/3 of the way in, I could feel my fever trying to come back. After it set in, I was completely miserable. I was pressing soda cans and bottled water all over my face and chest in a desperate attempt to bring down my fever. At several points I felt like my eyes were rolling around in my head. I couldn't even keep my head up, I had to lay it ok the chair. I probably looked so lazy and rude,but one look at my face would have set anyone straight. I looked like the walking dead.

I have my antibiotic that I'm supposed to take twice daily. I took one this morning and was supposed to take the second at night but I was so desperate for smoke relief that I took it in the afternoon. I started to have thoughts of people dying from infections.

My surgeon told me to watch for a lot of leakage from my breast. There isn't a lot. My breast is red and warm, but not worryingly so. It's my health. Even though I'm in great shape, I have a very compromised immune system due to my autoimmune disease and the prednisone. It's times like those where I feel so weak and vulnerable.

After the recital, which lasted way too long for children ( and of course my 15 month old was being a hellion) I felt near death and I was freezing but hot and sweaty. My pulse was racing despite having been sitting for three hours. It was scary. We stopped at a gas station and got me Motrin. And now, an hour after taking it, I feel ok. No fever. But the pain in my left breast is alarming. Every bump in the car, yikes. I just poked my cat as she decides licking herself on my bed is the best idea ever,and merely reaching out for her was enough for me to call out in pain.
I may need to see my doc this week instead if next but I do feel like I need to give the antibiotics time to do their magic.

I hope to feel better soon because husband returns to work on Minday and I feel more disabled than ever! Plus my knockers are crazy swollen. I'm just happy to be with the living right now. There were a few moments today where I wasn't so sure. Sounds dumb and dramatic, but I'm serious. It's been awful. And it came on so quickly.

Oh and another photo of a bathing suit that I think is awesome. I'm not completely sold on the print, reminds me too much of my ocular migraines. But it's got the one piece going on and the bikini look hubby wants. I've seen any monokinis but love this one. Wishing for a different print though. It's cool but should be called migraine.

Update in infection, illness.

You all have been so wonderful and concerned about me. Thank you so much! It feels so nice and very much needed. I'm happy to report I think I'm over the hump of this infection and on the healing oath yet again. I felt like death around 11 am and even cried in front of the kids.

I took my antibiotic on an empty stomach this morning because the pain was so awful in my breast and arm. But I didn't eat, so then the most awful nausea came over me, and body aches and fever, plus the pain and I was on the edge of sanity! Plus feeling like I should rest but on top of it the guilt that my husband is grumpy and tired, it was awful! But I downed three Motrin despite feeling so nauseous that it would most certainly come back up. The fear of vomiting for the first time after muscle repair!
I was lucky, my daughters (8 and 6) tucked me in on the couch, to help my shivers and brought me hot tea and tissues and a trash can lol. As soon as the Motrin set in, I've felt better since! I realized at 5pm that the fever had not reared its ugly head! Whereas before I was only getting an hour of partial relief. I took two more to keep it at bay, and have my next antibiotic coming soon. My left breast is red, especially at the outer side, but the hole is actually closing! I will show a photo, beware. I have pain even on Motrin, but if I don't reach for anything, it's not too bothersome. We shall see how tomorrow goes, first day back full time with the baby and my 6 year old out of school. At least she can help me, even if it does mean more demands on me as a whole.

Took the kids to the pool, they had great fun. They did wonder why I didn't get in, though, as I'm just as much a fish as they are. But I did rest a little bit and read my book. I was mostly busy getting this n that and fixing goggles and mermaid tails over monofins, but it was nice. A good change from the weeping mess I was this morning. Hoping a good nights rest brings more good. But I am pretty swollen tonight.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Really appreciate all those good things sent my way

Pics for above update

Oh. My. Great. Googily, moogily. Nastiness!!!

Ok, nasty. BEWARE!! I didn't take a photo, so you're lucky there! I went to clean my incision with the hole as usual. A bit of warm water on the washcloth and hibiclense. Lah-dee-dah. Suddenly, a warm drip. Hadn't seen that before but hubby had said he had seen it weep before when he was changing my steri-strips.

Then, another drip. Drip drip drip drip drip GUSH!!! Oh my gosh!! I let go of my breasts so it went back to drips. Hubby said, "that's good right? Better out than in! All that puss explains the fevers."
Me: "really? That's good? Ok! I need to stop hyperventilating."
Hubby: "You do that. I'm leaving, call if you need me after it stops. I'm glad it doesn't smell, or I'd have fainted by now."

He left and started quickly cleaning our room. That worked for me. I leaned over the sink and the rapid drip became louder. I had to turn the sink on to keep the sink clean. I lifted the breast and rinsed. A white clot plopped out, more yellow liquid flowed for what seemed like forever. My red, swollen breast seemed to deflate. I suddenly felt very reassured that this was good. It slowed after a few minutes, I squeezed the breast quite hard in case another clot was blocking more puss. It was done, rewashed it with hibiclense, applied neosporin, cut up a panty liner and put it over the incision hole, held it in place with a steri strip, covered the entire thing with a patch of Nexcare Tagaderm. So glad I bought that, now!

So, yeah, that's my boob drama. It already feels less stiff but the pain is still there. I hope that was good, for the puss to drain, and not a worse sign!!?? I'm gonna call my surgeon tomorrow and let him know.

Better out than in!?

Heading to docs today.

:( Bummed out. Texted my surgeon, he replied in less than 30 secs. Wants me to come in ASAP. Said its good that puss is draining but bad that its at a breast implant location. I'm wondering if this means I will encapsulate or have to have them removed. Really, really bummed out. Had a party at my diaghters class today for the end of the year. Wasn't able to volunteer in her class this year because now that she's in 3rd, they take less volunteers than the lower grades, so I was in her sisters class once a week but not hers. She was so excited to have me go in.
Now I'm scrambling around to find a sitter for my 15 month old and 6 year old. I'm so disappointed. :(

Infection update Monday

Okay, so I texted my surgeon this morning, because that awesome super barrier we put under my breast last night? Was nothing against Breast Infection 2013. My daughter wore a tagaderm IN THE POOL yesterday and it didn't budge. BUt this morning, a crumpled sloppy mess. Not just that, but when I woke up, and hunched over to the bathroom - my very white wife beater was now covered almost the entire front from the breasts down in HUGE yellow spots. Like the size of pancakes. So nasty. The newest one was really wet. Must have been a new spot every time I moved in the night. The pantyliner was drenched and lost in the mess of it all. So awful. Leaned over the sink - more dripping. So, that's why I texted the doc. Was glad he texted back in superfasttime and fit me in asap. Finding childcare nearly gave me a heartattack - at the idea of having to bring 2 of the 3 in. So fortunate my neighbor was home AND her husband, a pilot, who is NOT home over half of the month, was. They kept my kids. So, I went in. He was very honest. I'll copy and paste what I wrote to COMamaOf2:

This morning was crazytown. I woke up, found out my shirt was completely wet and stained. Boo, I thought it was over. I texted Dr. Wolfe and he texted back in like 30 seconds. I went to see him this morning, he fit me in. And he was very honest. He was wonderful, but he didn't sugarcoat anything. He told me that this could go a few ways:

1. I finish my antibiotics, it heals and we are good - yay!
2. It continues to weep and leak, or even gets better and then after I'm done with my antibiotics, it restarts. In that case - we move onto the next 2 things:
3. Remove the implant, wash breast out, replace with new implant. Wait a few weeks and see what happens.
4. If it happens AGAIN - then we remove the implant, sew it up - have a small breast for 4 months (leaving the other one IN) he will give me an implant to wear in my bra for mastectomy patients, until the breast is completely healed and then we try AGAIN fresh.

To be honest, I don't even know. Part of me says, if I start up again, just take them both out, I'll have small boobs for my frame, but whatevs. I asked him, "Should we just take them out?" and he immediately said, "Oh no, your right breast is perfect!" So, for him since he doesn't have to live with it, he's thinking, we'll just deal with the issue. If it has a problem after the 4 months and 3rd implant, then yes, we should probably just take them out and I can try a year or two down the road. (Which I most likely won't!) But I don't even know if I'd try the 3rd time with the 4 months thing. If it doesn't fix itself soon, then I MIGHT get the new implant. He says it takes only like 20 minutes, but I do go under again. But I dont' know if I even want to start the lopsided 4 months and then another procedure - BLAH.

-- He said both outcomes are all about the same. 1 in 3 chance. It's possible the prednisalone pack I went on for the rash attributed to this, lowering my immune function even further than it already is. (since Ive been on prednisone for years) But we can't know. It's possible the infection hasn't even touched the implant and if it's on the outerlying tissue, we will be good. But if it has touched the implant, it must come out. :(

He was honest, he didn't brush off concerns or even give me reason to "hope" - he said, it will be luck if we get the easy way. He said this is rather rare, like 1 in a 1000. Which is rare, but in the grand scheme of things - not that rare. Lots of breast lifts and augments happen per day! Or maybe he means that's his numbers. I know, for instance, his rate of encapsulations is like 8.4 percent or something. Whereas the national average is higher.

Either way, that's what I'm facing. It's still leaking. Ive gone through three papertowels in there. He gave me a huge stack of gauze and told me to text him whenever I want, even photos if anything changes at all.

So, here's hoping I "get lucky"...

Thanks for listening girls :)

Checking in, closing in on 4 weeks post op, infection update(ish)

Hey all you sweet, wonderful women. Thursday makes 4 weeks. Unbelievable how time has passed. If I woke up tomorrow morning with saggy boobs in my armpits and a very large supple curtain of skin hanging, it wouldn't surprise me. I'd roll around in comfort before jolting to real life again, haha.

My infection is the same. Still leaking. I walk around with a folded piece of paper towel in my bra at all times. When I remove it, it is always wet. So, I am still actively leaking pus. I'm happy there is no odor, but I know that doesn't mean this is safe. But I'm so sensitive to smells, I'd hate to be extra paranoid about that.
I'm paranoid about leaking through my shirt in public, that's what. Everytime I carry my son, I worry this is the time my padding has shifted and the weight of leaning over to get the baby is surely gonna cause a leak to show! Annoying. The pain is still rather low. I get some shooting pain in my right, unaffected breast but I admit the shooting sensations worry me and make me wonder if I have a other infx brewing.

I must be going through something hormonal, too, since my hair is falling out a lot again. So, this morning, I just busted out my wigs. I get a lot of attention when I wig it. I usually think, Oh now they KNOW its a wig! When it's probably more like, "her hair sure is long thick and curly!"

I have a few more days on the antibiotic. I'm glad that I had no occurrences of a headache today, I really really hope It takes but fight with the idea of learning more about the options, risks. Etc.

I'm doing ok. The small amount of pain should show that o, a first. Falling asleep while writing this, so I will update later.

About a month post-op!

Today was 4 weeks, but 2 days will make a month!

So, it's really incredible what a huge change my body has made in just a months time. I mean, really. Check out those before pics! Then, I was cut up and seen together and went form feeling like I had been hit by a semi truck, and now, back to regular life. I haven't done any formal exercise other than walking. I have plans on going back to the gym tomorrow, but I am worried about any sort if bouncing. My boobs don't hurt, but I imagine bouncing wont feel great!

I want to return to my dance classes and of course fully intend on taking it very easy. But still... Worry a bit.

My TT incision is doing well. So far, no dog ears. I still wear tape on them but from what I can see, no tears so far. The scar has certainly darkened, though, to a grey color.

My breasts infection is certainly calomg down. It still leaks and so I have to change the gauze, but today has been especially nice removing the gauze and not seeing a terribly soaked bandage.

Ooh,feeling tired. I have lots to say but a wave of tiredness had hit me and I don't want it to escape. Can't take any sort of sleeping pill too often!

4 wk post op pics

I have very minimal swelling. I put up morning and night pic comparisons. I think the difference is I'm swollen enough that my torso seems shorter and I probably hunch more in the evenings still. I'm wear my stage 1 or 2 compression garment during the day and my binder at night. That thing wants to retire. It's in bad shape, lol. All stretched out, so I wash in hot and just yank it tight.

Took my breast steri strips off yesterday. Areola size and shape looks great. Bandage under is just from my leakage, of course. Using Prosil on breast incisions but still keep steris on my TT scar. I see a few inches that I'm not thrilled about, but whatever. I not complaining about those... Yet ;) still very pleased that I look great but also "normal."

Desperate to return to gym. Wonder how fast I will fatigue. Feeling kind of down. Want to combat with exercise, my fave happy "pill". Have to start again somewhere. Have only done walks at this point. Anyone know when we can swim?

Hope everyone is doing well :)

Update on infection

I took my morning antibiotic late yesterday, pretty much missed the morning one entirely and therefore didn't take the night one since I took the morning one around 4pm.
Woke this morning to a painful breast, same infected one. I thought it was healing because the leakage was minimal. But then it occurred to me that it could just be because the hole is healing, so the pus can't escape. The heart dropping worried feeling is back and I'm bummed. But know that what will be will be and I will cross the bridges as I reach them.

In related news, my breasts are now steri-strip free. Walked around carnival last night and felt like my right breast would break at the seems. They seem sore and tender. Maybe because of not having the tape, it's a mental thing?

I'm being kind of scarce around here

Boob hurting more, looking strange, I feel a new mass. It's not good, I know it. But, at least I see my doc in a few days. Fever is not here so that makes me more comfy. Still leaking but very little. Pain is more and stiffness a bit more in that breast and arm.

In good news, my waist curvature at the sides is returning. It's a nice thing to see. :) Am in love with my TT, and would do it again. Glad I don't have to, haha. Looking forward to maintaining it.

Thank you for your replies, your kind words and your time. It really does mean a lot to me.
I'm going through a funk. A slight depression. Could be partly this, could be other things. My body and hormones are changing. My autoimmune disease is flaring and that doesn't help. I've got a crazy yeast infection from the antibiotics despite downing probiotics and kefir. I think they helped keep things at bay but eventually my body have in. Very uncomfortable.

But trying to keep my chin up. In interesting news, I'm gonna audition for a few bands. Something I've wanted to do for years but haven't found the time but maybe self esteem issues held me back?

At night things always seem worse.

Don't you hate that? I woke up sweating. Not because of anxiety, lol, but two nights ago I set ,y binder down somewhere and couldn't find it anywhere! So then I wore my husbands "gym sweat belt" which is rubbery and foamy but it wraps like the binder, ad I thought, yay! Maybe It will even help my waist a bit! Oh my gosh, so hot and sweaty, I tossed and turned most of the night til I got so sweaty I just took it off. Sleeping with no compression was very odd and I felt jiggly in the morning. Then last night, still couldn't find it, so I'm sleeping in my high-back compression garment! Ugh!! Too much and still hot! Blah!

Woke up at 4:15 and even though my binder was getting all ratty and desperate looking, and not even fittin well, I miss it! Even though the Velcro was totally scratching me all the time. Binder, I miss you! I ended up ordering a "squeem" I think it was called. Maybe that will work...

In other news, this dang breasts. I wonder if I'd feel so down if it weren't an issue. The leaking has really gotten a lot worse. I was better that I only had to change my gauze morning and at night. And there would be just a little dot of moisture. Now, I'm drenching the gauze again and changing every two hours. There is pain in the breast but by far, the worst pain is the first time I sit up in the morning. Even if I'm not using the arm on that side, the motion and movement if the implant omg, the pain is like an 8/10. Doesn't last long, but it's a scary feeling to wonder what in the world is going on inside of me.

It's bringing me down. The idea that even if I do go through another surgery to have it washed out and replaced, how much will this cost?? How long is another recovery?? I am already way flabbier from lack of intense exercise. And now another recovery on top?

At this time, I'm regretting the implants and it sucks since I really struggled with the decision to get them and now this. Boo. But things for me always look desperately sad at night, hopefully with the light of day I'll feel better. Problem is, I have three kids and due to not feeling well and my mood, they are home all day and I'm not being the bestest mommy. :( the house is a wreckage and I just can't keep up.

Sorry to seem so whiney and down. This is my place so I don't have to burden others. Hubby and I aren't doing well either, and I admit I'm just irritated with him. He deserved it for a while but now he's trying but I don't want any of it. I know it's unfair and I can hear myself and see myself distancing myself but at this time I just don't have it in me to have anything "left" for him right now. Hopefully ill come out of the funk soon.

In other news, I'm still really happy with my TT. I tried on bikinis yesterday. Yikes. I think it's gonna have to wait until next year when I've been working out and also my scars from my rash are healed. I'm more self conscious than ever about my thighs, which sucks. I never really had a problem with them before.

So glad my appt is today

And not a day too soon. I tried to get in yesterday but he was at the far office and I wasn't up to the challenge of bringing all three kids on such a long drive and then an appt. I've tried to find a sitter for today but no one has worked out. I'm even considering putting the in a drop-in daycare place because of my son and how hardnand loud he is. But that's gonna set me back like 75 bucks or something crazy. I'd put my girls in just to keep and eye on him. Cha-Ching.

Anyway, yesterday the leaking was incredible. I went through three shirts and countless gauze pads. At the end of the day I just shoved a dishcloth in there and let it hang out all crazy ways.n I was tired of feeling wet.
The bottom if the breast is starting to look deformed as well. As if there is a very bad scar tissue forming inside, it's starting to pull up if that makes sense. It sucks.

But thats why it's good that I have an appt today. We need to get this scheduled and dealt with. I really hope I don't have to pay a ton for this new procedure. Sigh.

Thank you all for reading and your well wishes. This won't go on forever, I keep reminding myself.

Appt today

Guess what? Friday, surgery! Guess what else? I don't even mind! Lets just get this taken care of and done, man! I'm bummed its a other two weeks before I can exercise but at this point, I just don't want to go through a pound if gauze each day!

Thank you ALL for your wonderful words of support! It means a lot, I feel less alone.

In good news.... I tucked in my shirt today. Whatwhat!!!??

Just more deets on Friday

So, my Colorado homie mentioned wash and replace. Yes, that's what my surgeon calls it.
Today, he examined it and said it still looked good and could still very well resolve on its own but it's awful to expect me to "run around all summer leaking like a maple tree". LOLOL!!

Later when I went in with the patient counselor and the nurse to do paperwork, they mentioned the other things he says, hilarious! That doctor has some sayings, lol!

It was good to see him. He really has such an accommodating personality. He's hands off unless you need or request the extra care. Since I have needed it, he's really been there which has been reassuring.

So, Friday I will go it at 545 am. Ugh. My surgery is at 630 and will take about a half an hour. I'm guessing its just the incision under the breast fold, or so I'm hoping. He will clean out the breast and examine, replace the implant with a new one, and close up with a drain that I'm to empty twice a day, record how much is in there and expect to have the drain removed in Monday. Because of the hole, I will be back on antibiotics.

He said I'll feel sore but it won't be anything like before. Two days would be fine to have "off" but 3-4 days would be great. Since its Friday, I'll have three days. I secretly hope for four because I have an eye appt on Monday and don't want three kids in tow lol.

I'm losing muscle mass and feeling flabbier even though that seems crazy, it makes sense too. I need two weeks of not raising heart rate after this surgery. Argh!!! But whatever, I'm gonna just have to get over it and realize this is my transitional summer and I'll be back in the game soon enough. Thing is, I have my 5K Color Me Rad mid August and I so wanna go!!

Smoke around here from the fires have been awful. The air quality has been burning my eyes and irritating my throat. Smells, too. I'm glad we are safe, of course, but it has made just my brisk dog walks turn into asthma threats.

Did I tell you I finally reached pre-pregnancy weight? Yay!! So happy about it. My Goal when I workout again is to not gain it back! I think my weight goal is gonna be around 185. To think its less than 25 lbs away is crazy. Everytime in my life alive done, "this many lbs to go", it's always been at least 60 if not over 100! So very cool.

Ok, me signing out!

Tomorrow morning!

I'll be in the OR in 7 hrs! Weird thing is, at my appt yesterday he said my breast could still resolve itself and be fine but he didn't want me to spend the summer waiting.
Then today? Hardly a drop, it's even softened up a bit. What the heck! But I still want him to see what's going on in there and make sure it's ok so we will truck on.

Thanks everyone for the well wishes. Not sure how groggy I'll be since it's only a 30 minute procedure, so maybe I won't spend the whole day groggy. We shall see. I hope it's not gonna be high and concrete like the first time. But if it is, I'll deal.

I'll update soon!

I'm home!

Hello gorgeous girls, I'm so lucky to call you friendsM I'm home, in bed and about to watch Warm Bodies. Surgery went well. He opened up just the bottom incision I'm guessing, I have a drain placed. I'm surprised its hurting so much. I think last time my surgery was so extensive the body didn't know what to feel like, it was like at the pain tolerance limit? And now it's only that breast so it's pretty intense.
That being said, I feel good otherwise. I was awake all the way home. Listening to music and feeling grateful I'm alive and it's done. I really hope this resolves things. I was tempted to cancel this morning as I had zero drainage since yesterday morning which is great. But when he got in there today he saw there was a lot of fluid accumulation, so it's good that we ended up moving forward and exchanging the implant and washing out.

So, now just healing again and hoping for the best!
Surgery took about 4o mins, good stuff. I woke up a half an hour later and feel good on my feet. I'm only resting because I should, otherwise I really want to go to the garden center because they're having a locavore feet and I need to get in a bunch.

Anyway, I'm blabbering. Thank you SO much for your care and thoughtful words and time following me. I wish I could take you all out for girls night :) the plastic clan. Haha! Never have I thought I'd have "plastic surgery" and now I'm one of them and I've learned, you can't judge a person who has had it. It's all types and you never know. And it's nt vanity or low self esteem. Is self care, too.

Love ya girls. If you have time, please keep me in your thoughts that this resolves the issue :)

I updated above ^^^

Wash n redo boob update harhar

I was pretty much back to everyday life since getting home from surgery. It is a little sore now and then but it was already in some pain due to the infection or whatever was going on inside anyway that it's even less now.

This stupid drain is the most annoying part. I feel for your girls who had drains for so long! Mine still puts out about 20-25 twice a day. This morning it's not a lot at all and it's gone from red to yellow. That's normal, I remember her saying, I think.

Was gonna get it possibly taken out today, but now I think it'll prob be left til Wednesday since I put out a lot last night and my appt is on Wednesday anyway. Really hope this does the trick with healing.

Anyway, my swelling seems to be a lot at the end of the day. More than the previous weeks. I'm still relatively numb and so the spongey feel mixed with that makes for such odd sensations.

I'm thinking of getting back into pole classes when my abs are all healed. I did a few classes a year ago and it was so fun. The studio closest to me closed, thought, which bums me out as I don't want to drive far. I just need to get my sexy back and those classes were super fun and watching the athletic bodies of those instructors was amazing. Now that the hangy belly is gone, I'd like to see just how fit I can get!

New boob pic, I haven't looked much yet, but it looks identical pretty much to my right breast now. I was cleared for showers immediately but haven't taken a real shower yet because of the drain. I know a lot of people here can't shower til the drain is out, so I still haven't even though I was told I could.

Just more pics to above update ^^^

Draining has slowed tons today.

Will get drain removed today, a wee out

It's already been a week since my breast revision-of-sorts. It's been great not hang to wear the stupid gauze and tape and change it all day long, that's for sure. Then again, dealing with this drain has been super dumb, too.

I'm getting it removed today at my appt. I saw my surgeon on Wednesday and seeing as I had my weird issue and drainage, he decided to keep it in another couple of day which was fine. It will be wonderful to feel free of it. The cultures from my weird leakage still haven't grown anything, so if it was some sort of infection, it was extremely mild. He said this is good news and hopefully means this breast will be fine, but I have to admit, that made me nervous. Of there wasn't an infection, then what did we fix? What did we wash. Maybe my body is just rejecting flat out. We shall see. M antibiotics run out today and I'm getting the drain removed. This morning was the first time I did not have the extreme pain when getting up. It was still there, just not as bad. He seems perplexed as to why I would even have this pain. Ugh. I just really want it she with.

I don't want to move forward for four months with one small and one large boob. Ugh nevermind, I don't want to think of that right now.

Everything seems good. I am still a bit swelly and squishy. When I sit, I am not flat, but other than how weird it feels, I don't mind. I feel like it's very proportionate to the rest if me and I look natural. I feel very attractive which is a nice feeling!! I feel more sexy than I ever had. To think that many people have felt this way before is incredible. To think many people feel this way most of the time is amazing. Truly an honor and a priveledge.

Also, my weight continues to drop. My activity is mild, just really low impact exercise. I'm anxious to get back into it, but the explant/implant pushed me back out another two weeks. So, hopefully, in a weeks time? I feel tight and sore at the TT incision still, but I think it's because I'm completely standing strait now. Of I stretch or go being just straight I certainly can feel the tightness, yikes!

I'm at 203, which is inane to think about. I haven't weighed this since junior year in high school!

Feels excellent. I hope I heal and it's just up from here :)

Omg! Omg! Omg!

I just HAD to share with someone! I dunno why I feel like shy about telling my friends because the ones that have struggled with their weight are still very much struggling, and I dunno, just HAD to share with someone!!!
Look at my weight as of this morning! I have not been this weight since BEFORE graduating from high school! I'm 31 now. I've never been this light in my marriage or dating my husband either.

I don't know if I'll even be able to comprehend the day it goes under 200 lbs.

Went to the gym last night a d really pushed myself. Not wildly, I just did the elliptical longer and harder than I have ever and arghhh so excited!

200.8!!!!!!! It's gonna go under 200 soon and I can't even get over it! It feels really good girls :D
I mean, this is a girl who weighed around 310-320 three years ago!!!

Boobie update and pic stuff

Hey all! Thanks for always checking in with me and leaving me awesome supportive messages :) it is so very appreciated!

Okay, so, had the drain removed on Friday - wasn't too bad. A little bit of pain, but nothing much. I was more anxious about how it would feel since some people said it was awful. The only pain I think I experienced was when she was pushing the hole it came out of, and that took away from the odd feeling of it being pulled out.

She bandaged it up and the next day, I had a lot of leakage and that was a little depressing. Not depressing because I felt depressed, I guess what I mean is - the wet shirt feeling reminded me of the previous issue and WHY I got it replaced, and everytime I felt it trickle, my heart would drop a bit - and I'd have to remind myself, "She said this would happen for a couple of days." But now, it seems to have sealed up, and there has yet to be any more draining. We will see what the next month or so brings. I'm not gonna be able to relax about it for around a month - since this issue didn't even begin til like 2 weeks after surgery, I believe.

But it looks good. I still have morning boob pain in it that is quite high on the pain scale and surprising each morning. But I have read people have dealt with it for months before and the implant is quite high, so I'm gonna just not worry about that too much.

Um, I took down a bunch of my photos. Someone I know recently said something to me - that could have been coincidence, but it was something that I had written here and I suddenly became anxious they had somehow found me online. SOOOO - I took down some pics to sort of make it hard to know it's me. I know the odds are low, but there really aren't a lot of these websites, so I'm just being a bit more careful.

So, that's why my photos are missing, I took down about half...

I'll update soon. Swelling is the same at the end of each day, its more than it was the first month. And sometimes its rather uncomfortable. But all in all, I am still so very very very happy!!! As awful as it was those first few days and difficult the first three weeks - I would have it done again, eyes wide open.

Still not sold on the boobs - even though they do look great. ;) Maybe I'll change my mind in time lol

Adding to my update above

Also wanted to say I started using silicone scar strips. I only have worn them one day so far, overnight. I took them off this morning to wash and dry them. I feel like I'm lying when I say there is already an improvement. I don't look any different, of course, but when I took them off the scar didn't feel so TIGHT and dry like it did before. It felt stretchier and a couple of my problem places in my TT scar felt smoother instead of a gnarled ropey feeling as usual. So, the strips don't only improve appearance (I cant wait to see a difference) but they do change the way they feel, which is also great. I will take an update photo once a week maybe?

Hey girlypants.

So, I'm nearing 2 weeks since my explant/implant/wash/replace procedure thingy. Haha that's the actual term! Haha, jk. Anyway, just thought I'd pop in and check in. My breast seems fine so far. I'm not taking care of it like I should, though. I don't have anymore steristrips for the scar, so I just leave it alone. The little hole where the tube was seems to be closing just fine. It will leave a small scar. The breast still hurts in the morning, but I'm trying not to worry about that. It's different than the right breast - but obviously my right breast is like 6.5 weeks "old" as opposed to nearly 2 weeks. So, we'll see how they land in the next few weeks. The new breast even though from the front looks the same, it's still quite up high and hard to the touch. The bottom of the breast is very soft and it makes me a little worried about there being an accumulation of liquid, but I can't really do anything about it, so trying not to give it too much thought.

I'm back at the gym and it feels absolutely divine. :D

The TT is great. The scar is fine, looks the same really. I did start using silicone scar strips, and even though it doesn't look different yet, it definitely feels less ropey than it did before. I wear them at night, otherwise they seem to roll up under my clothes and stick to each other - annoying.

I don't wear a binder all the time, now. I wear it every night, and during the day I wear sometimes the binder, sometimes nothing underneath my clothes. When I leave the house, I wear compression garments.
My body is noticing, though. I feel weird lately - can't really explain it. A combination of swelling and also tingling as maybe the nerves reconnect and wake up?

I feel kind of sore - as if I need compression, sometimes. I also don't have much of an appetite. It's always a relief to get something on. As much as I love being a smaller size - I bought a size 12 denim skirt yesterday - what the HECK! As much as I love it, I find my closet and clothes situation to be really annoying. I don't fit anything, it feels, and being a plus sized fashionista (haha) it took me a lot of time and money to build my wardrobe! And now, honestly, more than half needs to go. Way more than half. Ugh. An odd thing to be frustrated about for sure. But recently, hubby lost his 2nd job and so this is gonna mean a HUGE adjustment financially - and just when I need clothe so badly!

Okay, finally getting sleepy and can't miss my window of opportunity or I'll be up until 5:30 am! night girls! Hope your'e all well :D


I think my left breast, the one with the revisionis encapsulating. I'm so frustrated. It's rock hard, still high. Harder than when it was brand new. When I hug people, it's like a rock between us. I think I need to consciously adjust hugging them on my right. I'll write more later when I have time at a computer. Bummed out.

8 week post op update

Hello all! Popping in to check with you. Lets get right to it.

My TT has changed my life. I am beyond happy with it. Just beyond. I never thought it would be as wonderful as it is. It has exceeded my expectations. What an amazing feeling. I am still numb, I still have the sensation that I'm swelling even when I stand up and am still flat. When I sit down, I do still have a little roll, which I actually love because to me, it looks natural. A natural body that is sitting. No one would assume I had work done, I think.
My scar is ok. It's red, it's dark. On the left side, it's somewhat thick and one part about a couple inches long, I have a fat pocket or something over it that causes it to shadow and look not so great. I really don't care at this point. Is nothing in the big picture.n the scar is getting weirder in a way. Dots are appearing outside of it, as if stitches are popping and leaving scars. I don't see the stitches but I feel new bumps around my incision. I am using silicone scar sheets. I don't know the brand of th first box, but the 2nd box I bought were Walgreens brand and they don't stick even close to as well, so I couldn't recommend the Walgreens ones. But if it's all you can get, go for it, just wear high underwear or something so your arm doesn't brush against them and roll them off.

My boobs. My right breast is lovely. The scar is a bit much underneath but the vertical scar is sooo light and shows more in pics than in real life. Nipple looks great. Has the tendency to seem dry, so I use natural moisturizing balm and tada. I have been using Prosil on my breast incisions. I use prosil on my TT scar too in between using the silicone strips.

My left breast. Oh that left breast. First the weird leaking which turned out to NOT be an infection... Got it removed and replaced. Had that dang drain. Got it removed, hoped for the best. Now it's rock hard. It's still riding high. It's not obvious to the naked eye, and so up until yesterday I just kept thinking, give it time, give it time to settle, you can't compare to the right which is 8 weeks old as opposed to 3 weeks.
But now it's harder than ever. I feel pretty convinced it has encapsulated. BUT, I'm gonna wear my strap to help push it down and just friggin hope... Hope...

I'll attach photos now. :)

I'd do the TT again for sure. Still not sure about the boobs even though I love how they look. I think they're good for my size. I might have decided to go down a bit. They look good in photos but they are a tad large and it's hard to find my size.

Tomorrow makes 11 weeks post op, I think?

Haha, I can't believe I'm nearly 3 months out - WOW!! Amazing how the time flies.
I am IN LOVE with my new body. It's not perfect, at all, but I'm so happy with it - that I can't even hate on the other bits. Because I feel wonderful and that's the best.

I had a checkup on my revised boob today. It has capsulated, it is hard. He encouraged me to do "rigorous massage" LOL. He said it probably won't soften to the same as my right - which is FABULOSITY. But when the time comes, we can just do a quick in and out removal of scar tissue and possibly the implant depending on the scar tissue, but I wont have to do the four months without an implant thing. Whereas I was on the fence before, I LOVE them now and I don't want them out!! I really hope it softens up because I can not live with it this way. I hug to one side and I can't do some stretches at the gym or some moves in Core class and Barre I cant do because they require me to lie on my chest. It's hard like a ROCK! But it still moves in the breast, so it could go either way. We shall see.

My TT is out of control amazing. I mean, really really. I cant believe how good I look. I know that sounds so full of myself - but honestly. I just dont even recognize the before pics anymore! It's incredible. To zip up my pants and not have anything to tuck in my jeans or squish out. It was SO incredibly worth it. I feel SO blessed.

One thing, though, is after you do these things - suddenly other things that didnt bother you before suddenly do. Like, now, I feel my thighs and upper arms are my problem areas. I never cared about them before! I'm gonna just get over it because I'm not up for any more work.... not yet anyway. It seems way too indulgent. But who knows what the future holds. Hopefully I just get over it lol.

Just updating beacuse Realself told me to!

Nothing much to update. I feel really good! Still numb but there is some feeling returning. I am having 'phantom' itches. Not true phantom itches, because I haven't lost a limb, but I'm itching on my TT incision and its still numb, so I can't satisfy the itch by scratching it. It can get very annoying!

My breasts look great, but I think I will go ahead and get the implant replaced or scar tissue removed because despite them looking good, the implant just feels so damn hard. And I think marginally getting worse and harder. I will give it on more week so see how I feel. If I still feel this strongly, I'm gonna go get it done. My right is amazing. Sometimes I even wonder if the implant popped because its so soft and lovely. But its still the same size generally as the other, so I know it has not.

I have stopped using scar strips, and have been using Prosil stick. The scar strips seemed great, but they were SO annoying to wash and replace all the time. And I bought two different brands - both generic and one was SO much better than the other. The newer ones I bought fall off so easily. So, I want to buy a new box, but I can't remember which was which!
The fat deposit or swelling I had over my hips on the scar has lessened. Its still there, but much less so. I'm very happy with it. I am not happy with how I still have weird scarring as if I was burned somehow buy something dripped during my procedure. But Im very sure it will be nearly gone in a year or so.

So that's my update for now! I'll get new pics up by my next update :D

Almost 3 months post op!

It's incredible that it's only been 3 months. It feels like way longer. I almost can't remember what it was like to deal with my pre-surgery body day to day. I feel immensely fortunate to have had this opportunity. I thank my husband deeply for allowing and encouraging me to go for it. It has been life changing. The tummy tuck, especially.

My left breast is still hard with no real signs of softening. Thing is, it's settled into the pocket somewhat, so it does move and jiggle like a normal breast. But when you give it a squeeze, OR when I lift my left arm, the hardness is very obvious. It also makes gym work where I am on my stomach tough. Feels like a ball.
I want it to be better. But there is a chance it could do the same thing yet again. And maybe even worse? And then I'm opening myself up to infection again and body stress. And since I have an autoimmune disease, I'd say that I have to take those small things into consideration. But when I'm intimate (harhar) - it does bother me. And that's certainly something I don't want - was something else to be self concious about. It is also somewhat uncomfortable for me to sleep on.
I'd say - I'm at 80% that I will get it done. Question is - how soon and how much? My infx had to be fixed. But this, not sure if this is considered necessary as it's not his fault my body capsulated and it's not a health risk. I'll have to look into it.

Okay, I can NOT break the 200 lbs mark! I get close and then the next day I'm like 4 lbs up - haha. But I still am way pleased at the scale. I'd be happy here forever, I think. Which is a nice feeling.
My pants still fall down terribly. I used to think it was my belly flap. Maybe its because I don't have an ass. HAHA!!

Okay, here are some pics. I am bruised terribly. I don't know why or from what. I'm going to hearken it up to anemia or something going on with my body. Or my meds. This sort of thing comes and goes with me - so I'll look into it in a couple of weeks if it keeps up. The scar is pretty red.
Someone suggested bio-oil. I might. I have some. I got it years ago, my friend sent it to me from the UK. Now it's readily available here, but years ago, I broke out into a rash. So, I"ll try it again in a small spot first.

The pics!

16 weeks post op

I can't believe it's been 16 weeks! Wow.

I feel incredible. The tummy tuck has changed my life and the way I view myself and the way the world views me. In been a whirlwind and pretty shocking. I just can't get over it. I'm deeply grateful and amazed.

My breasts are pretty. My left has a capsule, but it's slowly softening and so I'm not completely sure if I'll get it corrected now. I'd like to, but eh, not sure that I will. My right is simply divine. The scars are actually darkening a bit. Kind if bummed as they've been barely noticeable. My TT scar is dark and red. There is one spot where the scar has turned white and is amazing. I really hope the whole thing eventually goes pale like that one spot. I'm still scarred from the mystery scars I woke up after surgery with. Very odd. I am going to get my BB pierced in the next few months to sort of distract from the scars.
I have fat deposits on my sides and near my breasts at the sides. The skin is loose and hangs and it kind of sucks. I think I'd have to have an insicions and tuck of sorts to rid of it. Lipo wouldn't do. Oh well, it's ok. My back carries weight and loose skin and I'd love it to be more toned. Ive become a gym rat, I already was one before but now I'm just bursting with energy which is wonderful. I can't believe that I am a size 10. That has also exceeded my hopes. I'm sometimes a 12 but either way. I'm amazed and so pleased.
I feel beautiful. Men treat me differently and while its nice, it's also hurtful. I am the same person and women seem to treat me less nice. That sucks too. I feel kind of like I no longer belong to a plus-sized girl club. I have always loved fashion and when I was big an dressed fashionably, there was a sisterhood and appreciation. Now, it's like I fend for myself. I feel attractive and I can't complain, but I also feel kind of like people judge me as if I've gone through life like this. I can't explain it. It's weird and is a total mind flip.

Anyway, I take a lot of pics of myself when I get dressed but I don't show anyone. I don't post pics if my body on Facebook. I feel like I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but I can't. I also feel like unworthy. Weird. Like an imposter.

All in all, those moments are here and there and not always. I'm very grateful to experience this side of life. I'm turning 32 this month and feel like I'm at my peak and prime.

Here is a pic if me. I blurred the stretch marks. I should have kept the before of this pic for this purpose but didn't think of it at the time. Weight still holding stubborn and steady at 200.8.

Dr. Wolfe is friendly, easy to talk to and just feels trustworthy and like he knows his stuff. My consultation was unrushed and pleasant. His office and team are top! I felt like I was in good hands and that he was at the TOP of his game in my state. After my consultation, though, I didn't see him for my pre-op and saw him for a couple minutes before surgery while he marked me. His patient counselor that I've been in contact with has been wonderful. She responds quickly, and relays all my questions quickly. I've spoken to his staff and nurses and have had good experiences with them all. I did feel like I was on a conveyor belt of patients in a plastic surgery factory. But at one of the BEST factories. Lol. The office is organized, smooth and has a great team. They didn't miss a beat. Everything has so far gone smoothly. I wish I could have been in contact with him directly more, beforehand but I think it's for a reason. We are all nervous and uncertain and so I'd imagine he would be inundated with emails and calls otherwise. Post operatively, I did not see him at my one week post op visit. I did, however, develop a complication. He called me back personally, a couple times and I texted him, too. He got my my meds I needed ASAP, and fit me in immediately Monday morning when I had worries. So, I've been pleased in that way. I have my next post op appt next week with him as well. So, still loving Dr. Wolfe and the Center for Cosmetic Surgery.

4 out of 5 stars Overall rating
5 out of 5 stars Doctor's bedside manner
5 out of 5 stars Answered my questions
4 out of 5 stars After care follow-up
4 out of 5 stars Time spent with me
5 out of 5 stars Phone or email responsiveness
5 out of 5 stars Staff professionalism & courtesy
5 out of 5 stars Payment process
5 out of 5 stars Wait times
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