I'm finally taking steps to get breasts I like looking at.

I've never liked my breasts. I never liked the minimal size and the shape especially, and after struggling (and overcoming) an eating disorder in my teen years, my breasts had experienced so much shrinkage and growth like a rollercoaster that my current breasts look to me as if they've undergone a battle that doesn't fit the rest of my athletic body, but more importantly, just reminds me of the years of torment and sadness I put my body through.

I am proud to have overcome my eating disorder for a long time now, but the last vestige of proof I cannot ignore is in my breasts. I hate even looking at myself naked in a mirror before a shower because I just see sadness and a chest that doesn't fit how I feel, or reflect my vitality. I only wear push-up padded bras (sometimes WITH chicken cutlets) in public to achieve any cleavage (which I find so gorgeous), and I cannot feel comfortable being intimate with anyone just standing there topless, face-on. It's not common for me to have sex without my bra on, and this sucks because I find breasts very sexy... just not my own.

What stopped me from putting an end to living a life under a tit-mask? Fear. I've had the means to do it for some time, but I made so many excuses for not doing it. I have anxiety disorder, so I just told myself I might die from the anesthesia. I grew up telling myself that fake breasts were "tacky", so I just told myself that I didn't want to be "one of those girls". I thought about how expensive it is and told myself I couldn't afford it. But I finally cut out all of that noise and began listening to my heart: it told me I only have one life, and every day I wait to start living the life I want is a mistake. I am 29, almost 30. If not now, when?

November 5th, 2019 to be exact.

I booked my surgery after my gut, intuition, and intelligence said "YES" after my consultation with Dr. Shafer, who has been doing my fillers magnificently for about 5 years. He was the only surgeon I consulted with because not only did I know he was a master, but he knew me and my aesthetic personally, I've never had an experience with him that was anything but perfection, and I did not want to fix what wasn't broken. He used the 3D imaging on me, and it was incredible to see my body improve from what they are to what I hoped they can be.

I won't be finalizing my size choice until my pre-op, but as of now (and seeing different sizes on me via 3D imaging) I am comfortable with 385cc's. I currently fill out a Victoria's Secret 32D modestly when the straps are tightened, but my breasts lack volume and density so they do not look more than a small B to me standing up. I showed my doctor images of Dita Von Teese as "boob goals", but her's would be the largest I'd go. A touch smaller might be perfect; not aesthetically, but because I sincerely don't want to be in constant discomfort because of implants that are too large for my body. I know that my doctor is a pro though, he understands my goals visually, and he will not put his name and talent to breasts that are wrong for my stature and goals.

I plan to keep everyone posted here; the diary-like entries of other women who have gotten breast augmentations has helped me prepare so much, so I hope I can give back!

Update soon!

Something I like seeing people write about here along their surgical journeys is the process of telling others about this decision. For some it may be super easy and exciting, for others it may be worrisome. Excruciating even.

Luckily for me, I drank a cocktail before telling almost everyone, which made it a touch easier.

The first person I told once I was positive I wanted to go through with the process was my mother. We went to the theater one night while she was in town; we're very close and I can talk to her about anything and she has always been supportive of me, but for some reason, I was so nervous to tell her about my plans and potentially facing her disappointment. It's weird talking about your boobs and your desire to have bigger, sexier ones to your mom, but this is where I am in life. We were waiting for the show to begin in our seats and had about 10-15 minutes until the lights lowered, so I just decided to tell her. Her face seemed nervous and not very happy to hear it, but she listened, and I told her that I did not want to look silly with huge circus boobs, I just wanted to improve myself and fix something I've been deeply insecure about it. When I said "I want to fix the last bit of my body that I hate", she said "Then 100% do it." and she hugged me. She knows what I've been through with eating disorders and hating my body in the past, and how far I have come to recover from it in the years since. I have kept her up to date with the whole process, sent her an image of my 3D stimulation with the implants I want, and she is very supportive and happy for me. She will be the one taking care of me and my little dog after my surgery as well. I am SO relieved.

Then I told my older sister, who is far less aesthetically-driven than me and generally has a "zero effs given" attitude with vanity. She also had an outdated idea about implants, thinking they automatically mean big, round, unnatural and distracting apparatuses glued to the chest. I explained the process and my desires and why I was deciding to do this, and she supported it, saying "It's your money, do what you want." That should automatically give you an idea about where her eff$ are usually given.

Told my best friend, who has never seen me naked despite traveling to 3 countries together over 10 years, and was worried about her reaction too. I knew she'd be supportive, but she also deals with body insecurities and thinks I have a "perfect body", and I didn't want to make it seem like I wasn't grateful for what I look like now, I just reiterated that I have never felt comfortable about my chest and finally decided it was the right time for me to do something about it. She reminded me that I am beautiful as I am, but it is my decision and she is there for me 100%. I'll get to telling my other friends when it's closer to the surgery date.

I am single at the moment so don't need to deal with telling a boyfriend (which I would have found excruciating since I like to project uber body-confidence in a relationship), but I did tell the guy I am closest to and have a sort-of-not-really long distance thing with. I was scared to tell because I didn't want to seem weak; not that plastic surgery is anything weak whatsoever, but I projected in my own head this idea for so long that to get my boobs done would be to admit to myself I am not this natural sex goddess I've led others to think I am/ feel I am, and so it was hard to be real about it. But I just did, and not surprisingly, he was supportive, grateful to have earned my trust to tell him, reiterated that he loved my natural breasts, and because he's a straight guy, was excited to see the results that I desire.

The final step for this week is telling dear old Dad.*
*EDIT: I just got a text from Mom saying "I just told dad and he's fine with it".
*facepalm*

I did say she could tell him if she wants, but I didn't think she'd do it today! In a way it's less awkward for her to tell him, and I knew he would not be against it or be ashamed of me or disown me, but like, it's gotta be weird for a dad to learn his youngest daughter wants bigger hooters.

I have a feeling people at work may ask what the "surgery" I have planned is once I send out my coverage emails, and I'm debating whether to tell them the truth (my company is pretty laid-back and casual), but I also may just keep the specifics to myself. I work in advertising and while it's a young company that isn't super corporate or conservative at all, I'm not sure I want my co-workers (and other people in the company since people might gossip) to know, and therefore judge me or focus on my body more. I already am glammed up for work, I don't want to add something else to the mix to make me seem unprofessional, which is another reason why I want to demolish the patriarchy... but that's for another blog :)

To anyone else dealing with telling people about their

It is very surreal to think that I only have a couple more days of life with my natural breasts. It's emotional, really. On one hand I spent so much time disliking their appearance and feeling extremely self-conscious about them which is why I so eagerly booked my surgery after years of consideration and research. But on the other hand, I feel a bit sad. Health is first and foremost in our life, and I am extremely lucky to have never had any illness caused by my breasts. They have never been what I prefer aesthetically, but at the same time, they never did me any harm, and they only did their best.

In undertaking cosmetic surgery, I am reflecting on how much gratitude I have for my health, and the luck (bordering on audacity) to be able to choose to make my normal breasts even "prettier" when there are so many people who must have their breasts removed or mutilated because of a disease that is far beyond their control. I am extremely lucky, and as weird as it sounds, I want my body and my breasts to know that I am grateful, I love them, and I don't mean to insult them by getting foreign objects placed into my body.

Another thing that's hitting hard is the reality that a bigger chest is going to impact me in the mundane ways I don't think lots of us think about when we decide we want bigger breasts. Will I miss small breasts when I'm laying in a weird position in bed writing in my journal? Will I miss them when I am painting and don't have to worry about heavy breasts putting even more strain on my back? Will I look in the mirror after surgery and think that I insulted my body? I am a worrier, I admit, but I have to recognize all of these thoughts and face them.

But the bottom line is, in my gut, I have been so excited at the thought of having nicer breasts, as someone who has always been obsessed with the beauty of the female form, and always dreamed of having my chest look like the pin-up models of the '40s and '50s. I appreciate my breasts now, but I do not think they are very beautiful and I would never feel comfortable standing naked in front of a lover the way they look now. I want to look the way I feel inside, and I know that surgery is the right thing for me.

The next few updates will be more useful and less diary-like, but I do think it's important to share your more personal feelings and worries here right alongside the technical stuff; it's important that women seeking breast augmentations do not feel alone in any of the thoughts they have before taking the plunge.