My Accutane/Acne Story

Day 194, updating as I have only got 10 days left on Accutane! Also, I’m not sure if its because I know I haven’t got long left, but, I’m feeling really fed up this week. I’ve felt in a foul mood all week. Under both eyes, just on my cheek bone there is two red marks one is quite big, they feel like burns, not sure if its do to with my tablets. I have my ultrasound soon for the bones in my hands, so hopefully not long for all the results for my MRI too.
I’ve been really stressed this week with lots of things and I just can’t shake this sad and fed up feeling.
I keep feeling for new acne on my face, I think I’m worrying about coming off I’m not sure? Its a really scary thought now it is so close. Like will my acne come back? Will I feel how I felt for all those months again? I feel quite emotional with it all to be honest.
I think I need a holiday, but I also need to stop spending money and buy a house?! I feel like while I have been so restricted to doing things on Accutane & also not wanting to do anything when my acne was at its worst, I just want something to look forward to. Maybe a holiday could be a celebration of coming off Accutane, finally.
Doing this blog has helped put me in a better place mentally each time I come to it, I’m not sure what I will do when this is all done!? Maybe I should have a personal blog for myself!
In total come the 19th Feb, I would have done 210 days, 28 weeks, 7 whole months on Accutane, I am really looking forward to seeing if my health improves once off, but I’m really not looking forward to having to wash my hair more than once a week! from every day before Accutane to only having to do it once a week for 7 months has been absolute bliss! it’ll be a shock to my arms having to blow dry my hair on a regular basis again.
Day 199, here updating again when i didn’t expect too! So I am struggling right now, i feel really on edge and anxious and extremely sad. Last week i felt anger, and this i feel back to how i felt months ago. i had a few weeks of extreme happiness when i realised i had clear skin now i feel as though i am paying for that happiness? or the 12 months of [RS bleep] i have had thrown my way is finally coming out now i am nearly off Accutane. Was i in denial about how i was feeling in case i lost my tablets, my only hope in getting rid of acne?
My health is really bad at the moment, i’m in the process of MRI scans, Ultrasounds, Blood Tests. This is personal and nothing to do with acne but its definitely contributing to my emotions right now. Last week i found a lump in my breast, which felt abnormal as i have never felt it before, i called the doctors and they saw me straight away. The Doctor i saw examined me and felt where the lump was and confirmed, it is in fact a lump, a lump that should not be there. She also confirmed it is not likely to be cancerous but that she also doesn’t have X- Ray vision. It is probably a cyst, which will need removing/draining. So i am at the Breast Clinic in Lancaster soon for the day for tests and removal of the lump/cyst. Why me? Why am i at 21 going through all of this? I am so scared for the future, if I am struggling like this now, what will happen to me in 10 years?
I have the awful feeling of heavy guilt in my stomach at the moment, i have 1000 things going round inside my head whilst also trying to do a full time job which requires concentration. I feel un-safe and i feel like i have ran months into my past.
Is it Accutane? All i can keep thinking is what if I am still like this after everything, i just want to be me, who i was 13 months ago.

My acne started in January 2018 at 20 years old, never suffered with acne much as a teenager, just odd pimples which I knew was normal, but still, I used to freak at having one or two.

I almost feel as if I woke up one day with small pimples in the middle of my forehead and a huge one on my chest. It was so strange and straight away I knew something wasn’t right, everyone was saying its fine they will go soon. Which I would usually think about someone else, but it felt so stubborn and abnormal.
I waited a month before seeing a GP, by this point they had got much worse (only on my forehead) I didn’t have acne anywhere else bar a few on my chest. Feeling so self-conscious and stressed about the whole thing I was no doubt making it worse. I was using zineryt & duac from the doctor, this did absolutely nothing for me. So, on I went on to Oxytetrecyline, for 12 weeks, saw no improvement if anything it progressed worse and worse. So, we then moved on to Limecyline which is another form of antibiotic, 10 weeks down the line no improvement and I was developing ingrown hairs everywhere and I cannot even describe the pain or the feeling these gave me, I have never felt so un womanly in my whole life. I was hiding to get changed in front of my boyfriend I hated looking at my body and my face. I found myself sat in front of a mirror every night crying unable to take myself away from it although I hated it! I can’t say I have ever felt so self-conscious and down in my life. I have always been quite a confident person, that had been taken away from me so quickly.
At this point my doctor didn’t feel the antibiotics were helping if not delaying the chance to get rid of my acne, so, she transferred me to a Dermatologist. Who I saw in May and got prescribed Epiduo which I have read things on that it works wonders for some people but burns the skin of other people and omg it did exactly that to me, I had an awful panic attack when I saw my face my reaction was uncontrollable, I could barely catch a breath it was horrible. My mum and my sister rushed round to me as my boyfriend called them as he was worried.

On to my next appointment dropping the Epiduo! So, the day come on the 26th June and I was so so so excited to get in there with doing lots and lots of research on acne since January I had become a bit of an expert on treatment and what works best and side effects etc, so I went in there thinking I was going to be getting a tablet called Roaccutane/Accutane/Isotretinion, the strongest drug out there for acne and the best cure rate for acne. But I had to be on some form of hormonal contraception for 4 weeks prior to being prescribed the tablets so it didn’t happen that day.
I then saw my GP to talk contraception, I don’t do hormonal contraception it doesn’t agree with me from past experiences, but this was a must and there was no way around it as Accutane causes serious birth defects of an unborn child. We agreed on Cerezette (the mini pill) progesterone only due to headaches I got off a combined pill 4 years ago but hey ho. 1 week down the line, acne started to appear on my cheeks which has NEVER happened before ever, it was so so sore like hard lumps. Which I later learnt is deep tissue cystic acne which is the most likely to cause deep scars. FANTASTIC, just what I wanted. This got worse and worse. I felt so emotional, I just felt like no one understood. I didn’t expect them to, but it was so hard because to everyone else who hasn’t suffered, after all, it’s just acne.
My dermatologist is the nicest most caring and positive women I have ever met, she was so understanding and obviously she has seen thousands of cases like mine (I hope) and knows how to go with this. So, I got weighed, had bloods taken to test my cholesterol, liver and kidneys to make sure everything was healthy and had a pregnancy test, this becomes a 4 weekly routine once you are prescribed the medication you are so closely monitored as the side effects of this tablet are so serious with links to suicide and depression. You have got to be so sure you have weighed up the pros and cons of going forward with this and for me my acne was stealing my personality, my self-esteem, my confidence, my relationship on my behalf, friendships and my job.
July 31st, I GOT MY TABLETS. I was so so happy I cried happy tears leaving the dermatologist which was a first in a long time. Derm prescribed me 25mg, they go by half your body weight to start then review every 4 weeks.
May, June, July and August were probably the worst 4 months of my life, I don’t want this to sound so cliché, but I can’t explain the feeling I had of getting home from work getting straight into bed, crying myself to sleep, taking days off unpaid because my mind physically wouldn’t let me leave the house. On most Sundays i would spend the day with Jay, which I would love and be so happy doing, but i was now a miserable [RS bleep]. For months I couldn’t smile I struggled to laugh and all I could think about was how my life had changed so much in such a short space of time due to acne. I now walk to work praying there is no wind to blow my hair off my cheeks, so no one can see my acne and all that goes through my head is I wonder what they’re saying about it. Although everyone tells you no one can tell, or they don’t notice it or “where I can’t see what you’re on about” you know fine well they can (this is how negative it has made me)
My boyfriend is the best person in the world, he sits with me listens to everything, lays with me when I cry, compliments me all the time, tells me every day my skin is looking better (when I know it isn’t) I honestly don’t know how he has put up with me since this started. Honestly without him I don’t know what I would have done. He has kept me feeling 1% human and never give me a hard time with it. I owe him the world.
I think anyone who has suffered acne for a long time or even at all will understand how feeling so low and down all the time and just genuinely hating the person you are with this thing, makes you feel so negative towards everything and anything. As I said before I struggle to be positive, how do you find a positive way to think or judge when you are feeling so [RS bleep]? I found sitting in my bed in the dark with the worst thoughts was the only thing I could do.
How do I keep being the friend I was when I’m like this, I physically cannot hold a conversation without thinking about what the other person is thinking of my skin. Which then brings me into complete panic and work myself up so much. I try keep my friends as my happy place and the time I spend with them as weird as possible because that’s exactly what we were before. I also get that no one will fully understand how I feel. It would be impossible.
Also, on Accutane you are told not to drink alcohol. The treatment leaves your body through your liver and there is a very high chance of your liver being damaged. I see that a lot of people on it do drink. But for me, what’s the point? Get rid of my acne in the long run but maybe suffer from liver failure?
But 6 months is long winded at 21. When I think of the statement “21 the best year of your life, make the most of it.” It makes me sad, I have had hands down the worst year of my life.
Here goes my little update on Accutane now I have aired my issue and feel slight relief that I got it most of it out to the computer that doesn’t stick their opinion in.
This all sounds so depressing and to someone who’s never struggled with acne or no one around them has may think there is much worse things going on. But, this is MY Accutane/Acne story, and this has been mentally and physically the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. Where I have found comfort in all of this is reading other peoples blogs and stories to make me feel like I’m not the only one and that’s exactly what this is for, anyone else who is suffering.

Day 9, I think my initial breakout has started, I woke up with four large cysts in my cheeks that feel like knife through my face. My nose, chin and lips are starting to feel very dry and definitely much less oil on my face and hair already. Also, really sharp headaches consistently, this is normal, so I have read. I go on holiday to Spain in 3 weeks, I really wish I didn’t have to worry about it, definitely the first time I have ever dreaded a holiday for all the wrong reasons.
Day 15, Still lots of new acne all over my face and chest. 5 hours into work my face is usually dripping with oil and there is none! Woo! I am really struggling with strength today in my hands and my back feels really bruised and achey (Also another side effect). Maybe going to ask my derm to stay on this dose for the following month because of my holiday and the likelihood of seriously burning.
Day 21, I feel my complexion is improving as in the colour of my skin and less oil. There is a certain area of my skin and I mean a 2cm by 2cm area that is clear, and it feel so so soft like my old skin and I literally can not stop touching it! Today I had the Marina coil fitted as I felt cerezette kick started the acne on my cheeks. Although this coil is also progesterone only it would have the same side effects, but they are more localised towards the womb, instead of travelling all around the body to find their place. Derm appointment next week!
Day 26, Derm is happy so far, staying on 25mg for 4 weeks. I cut out a lot of dairy a week or so back because I thought it maybe have developed from an intolerance
or even cause inflammation. Last night I had something accidentally with contained dairy (hard when you have eaten it for 21 years) and I got this huge red rash from my fingers up to my fore arm and I had the worst stomach ache. I mean, amazing cut out all the amazing foods that contain dairy just to make your life even more enjoyable right now.
Day 41, Holiday was lovely and just what I needed to get away from my home life and stress and all the twatting mirrors in my work! My skin flared up badly on holiday, probably down to the fact I had to wear factor 50 all the time. Struggling with bad ovarian pain, really struggling with the coil I think I want it out (drama queen) no seriously I already mentioned it does not agree with me in any way shape or form.
Day 53, Coil gone, back on cerezette, my doctor will not give me combined due to headaches four years ago. Not necessary in my opinion, I feel as though I am now fighting against Accutane by using birth control which is making my acne worse. My forehead is pretty much clear minus a few black heads, but I am so happy I can’t believe it’s clear. I also feel ready to have a dose increase on the next derm appointment, to hopefully start seeing some improvement losing the will to keep positive.
Day 66, my derm increased my dose to 50mg, still breaking out just as bad as I was last month. I really hope 50mg will start to speed the healing process up, I’m starting to see so many hyper-pigmentation marks on my cheeks now, and a few indented scars which I am absolutely devastated about, but it was inevitable. On a more positive note today marks the day I handed my notice in at the salon, it felt so good. I am changing career to do sales administrating alongside my dad. I just want my career drive and motivation back. I want to buy a house next year and how on earth do you do that when you’re feeling so unmotivated?
Day 75, I passed my theory test today! I tried when I was 17 but my head wasn’t in it at the time and now I’ve done it, so I feel happy that I achieved something whilst feeling like this. Trying to do things that improve my life and have less stress every day, still covered in acne. Still black heads on my chest, derm in 10 days so I will wait for her opinion. We first discussed a 4-month course as she thought it would be clear. That would mean in my next appointment we would be discussing coming off. Depressing.
Day 89 (13 weeks) so, I guess this means I am half way though my maximum 6month course. Saw my derm she was slightly disappointed that I had seen no improvement and I was upset. As I said she is the nicest person ever and I feel she understands everything. Although some good news she has decided to change my pill that my GP wouldn’t. she said the symptoms 4 years ago don’t sound alarming and I totally agree with her. So, I’m on with Lucette as of now, I PRAY FOR RESULTS THIS MONTH.
My symptoms now are awful I have severe thinning of my hip (diagnosed prior to Accutane) I think Accutane is worsening the joint/bone/muscle pain, I feel so stupid 21 and unable to get out of bed properly in the morning and running upstairs is a painful chore. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t taken Accutane understand all the side effects of this drug. I mean the minor ones like feeling tired every minute of every day, aching so so bad, sharp migraines, dry lips that peel and sting, red sore raw face/skin, stomach issues (my whole eating, digesting and toilet situation has changed massively which is quite hard to adjust to) and having absolutely no strength, going from being able to do things that involve strength like pulling the bed out to make it in the morning, I can’t even do that. All of this at once makes you feel so awful and it’s not visible, so does it exist? NOPE.

Day 96, wow almost 100 days, sounds so long, felt so long. I hate saying it because I feel like I will “jinx” it, but, my cheeks feel as though there is less new cysts and more scars are appearing which is gutting but also good. The more scars I can see on my cheeks means the less acne there is. The scars are something I am going to have to deal with over the next couple of years. I am really struggling with my lips now its coming into winter, I’ve struggled through summer with them never mind the added cold. I get so paranoid when I’m talking to people that half my lip is hanging off as skin or something.
7 weeks till Christmas. I hope I can be off Accutane by then, its been my goal ever since. I can’t believe that this time last year my skin was perfect, and I was so happy.

Day 154, I haven’t updated for a while, purely because I’ve been soo happy with my results I’ve been so side tracked. Literally my camera album has barely any acne pictures on from the last month. That’s not normal! I saw my derm on the 18th December, she said I’m definitely not ready to come off yet as I’m still getting breakouts in certain areas. But I’m so much happier, I’m doing more, I’m so much more positive, I don’t mind doing my make up or looking at myself as much now! Although my right arm is covered in vittilligo which is loss of melanin in the skin causing white patches. So in other words I look like I have patchy fake tan on!

I will update now if anything changes, and I’ll update near another derm appointment and whether I hear about coming off!

Its been 5 months of no waxing, no sun beds, no drinking, dry skin everywhere & everything else. I am so looking forward to coming off Accutane!

Going into the new year feeling so much happier and grateful that my skin has finally started to improve so much.

Day 176, just had my derm appointment, I’m officially 6 months into Accutane! I’ve had barely any breakouts in the last couple of weeks which is amazing. She is really happy with the result and we are pencilling in the coming off date as 19th Feb, OMG. If I don’t break out from now until then, I can come off I cant express how that feels, I can’t express how the thought of not having to apply copious amounts of Aquaphor to my lips 80 times a day feels! I will have done 7 months on Accutane come that date in February, it’s been the best decision.

I have an MRI scan this month due to my bones and joints causing me a lot of pains so hopefully I can see what’s going on and see if the pain subsides once I come off treatment.

I have felt so so much more confident in the last month and I’m just starting to feel like me again which I honestly thought would never happen. I’m so happy to be out of that dark place and if you’re reading this considering starting Accutane due to stubborn acne, feeling the way it makes you feel and nothing else has worked, then do it! This treatment and the support I have received from my dermatologist through it has made me so grateful. The dry lips, the awful headaches, dry skin, aching bones, joint pain, moods, the list could go on! Every side effect of Accutane that I have had has been so so worth it to feel how I feel right now.

Next update will hopefully be when I am DONE!