For long as I’ve lived I’ve always been super jealous of other girls born with the correct sex characteristics. Being born with male sex characteristics but a female gender (mind), my body has been a prison to the real me and a constant source of anxiety/depression from my earliest child hood memories. 3 Year’s ago I started hormone replacement therapy and off the successful impact that had on my life I decided to have Gender Affirmation Surgery this year with Dr Andrew Ives. Updated on 10 Nov 2017: It’s the day before my surgery and I thought I would be allot more nervous.. However I’m just so excited! It’s been about a year since my first consultation with Dr Ives (the day I I booked in) and I can’t believe how fast this day has come. I’ve done all my prep which includes getting a chest X-ray, ECG, blood work and full laser hair removal. Just today the day before I’ve been instructed to take antibiotics and drink two fleet bottles. The concoction is designed to empty your bowels. The taste is absolutely foul!! I immediately felt sick and started to wonder which end I would be emptied from. The 2nd bottle was the hardest to get through, just looking at this picture of the bottle makes me wanna vom. However, by morning I was passing clear liquid and wish I took some time to appreciate that THAT was the last time I would sit on a toilet for 8 days! Updated on 10 Nov 2017: It’s 5am and I’m up getting ready for my 6am submission to Masada Private hospital in St Kilda Melbourne. I did end up running a bit late and was super worried I would lose my number one spot for the scheduled surgeries that day. However even though I was 10mins late I was made to wait longer in the lobby anyway before paying my hospital fees and awaiting a nurse to come collect me. Phew. I did notice another trans girl waiting with me. She must be going in after me. She seemed older than me and was absolutely covered in tats which to be honest intimidated me from starting any conversation with her. The nurse took me to my private room which looked really lovely, the towels were folded on the table sort of like you would see in a hotel. She instructed me to get undressed and put on the typical backless hospital gown and she will be back. I opted to leave my undies on (I wore my very best ones) and put on a provided dressing gown to keep warm. The nurse returned with some compression stockings and red socks to put on. I felt like I only just got them on when Dr Ives showed up! He seemed to be in such a great mood which jut made me so happy. If there was one day I wanted him to feel motivated to do great work, today was the day hah! Soon after Tim arrived to walk me to surgery. This is the moment I was expecting to completely freak out but my heart beat went heavy only for just a moment. My mum seemed to be freaking out though and she shreaked (oh god it’s time). I thought it was so cool I got to walk to surgery and spoke to Tim about it as he lead me to theatre. Nice guy btw. Once there I was introduced to the most bubbliest surgery nurse. She confirmed all my details before taking me into the theatre room. I got to hope onto the operating table and remember talking to my anaesthetist about how freezing the room was. She was putting an IV in my left hand and the last thing I remember was her saying “you’ll be the warmest one here trust me”. That was it, lights out! Next thing I know a women is telling me to take deep breaths. I couldn’t open my eyes but I could tell I was in recovery. I feel like I started vomited almost immediately and had a suction tube shoved down my throat. I could hear the beeps of my own heart and the constant reminder to take deep breaths. I was really out of it but I do sorta remember the recovery staff talking about a large rash that had appeared on my leg. I didn’t know it at the time but this was the first warning how sensitive I am to drugs. More on this later. That night I snuck my first look under the covers! Even with all the dressing I could tell my shape had changed and this put a big fat beamy smile on my face. Pain was minimal at this point and actually had a great nights sleep. Updated on 11 Nov 2017: The day after surgery was my most clear headed day, I remember having a lovely placement nurse doing her training with me. It was interesting hearing about the process for changing the IV bags, how much bleeding is acceptable as it’s all explained to her (I had a dinner plate size of bleeding overnight). It gave me a rare insight into my recovery process. Breakfast was served and they have you on a low residue diet so you won’t need to poo but even though they are telling me this, my brain says; food goes in, poo comes out!!! All I knew was I was completely bandaged up and the nurses kept saying if your bowels open up we will just have to deal with it. Deal with it?! I took that as we will have to take all your bandages off PAINFULLY and give you a bed pan! This freaking terrified me so I decided no way in hell I’m eating any food! It wasn’t actually until a few nights later I decided to stick my hand down my back side and found that my bum hole was actually exposed. I remember feeling angry that that wasn’t explained to me. I woke up from surgery in what I thought was bandage undies so I naturally assumed my bum hole was tapped up too! Reality was the bandages could have stayed on during a bowel movement and I needed not starve myself for 3 days. Agh! By day 2 I started to get really sick, if you can think of your worst ever hangover, one where you’re lying in bed swearing to yourself your never ever drinking again... that’s how I felt from day 2 to day 6. I was constantly throwing up and could find no relief. It was discovered that the antibiotics was making me sick but it was a damned if you do and a damned if you don’t situation! I was so frustrated that I had mentally prepared myself for vagina pain but in reality that pain was minimal! 2 out of 10.. but feeling so nauseous... 10 of 10 on my [RS bleep]-o-meter! The mental game was strong, by day 6 I was [RS bleep] over it! My back was so sore and I just wanted out of that bed and to stop feeling so sick! Vagina regret was seeping in.. crap. Thankfully a nurse called Tatyana pushed Dr Ives to try oral antibiotics with me instead of IV. I will for ever be in her debt because the nausea stopped instantly! OMG it’s good to be feeling well! Tatyana was actually amazing! She had such an upbeat positive personality and I really thrive around people like that. My mood was instantly uplifted!! Here is a photo my mum took of me during those 6 days of feeling so sick. The wet bandage helped somewhat. Updated on 18 Nov 2017: Dr Ives had explained to me that he wanted to take my dressing off on Sunday (which was day 6) and take out some stitches. I was feeling so anxious about it but the nurses explained to me they give you a pill that sends you off with the fairies. Okay if that’s the case it might not be so bad. The day came along and I was awoken by the nurse around 6am to give me my magic fairy pill. She said it will take about an hour to kick in and I will probably have a very big sleep. Awesome, I planned on sleeping through the whole thing! BUT not even 15mins later another nurse came in with dr Ives and they dragged in a huge light on wheels.. [RS bleep] they are here early and my pill hasn’t kicked in yet!! My heart immediately started racing. Off come my leg compressors that have been constantly massaging my legs for the last 6 days and they set up the light to shine up my hoo haa from the end of the bed. They rolled me over to start removing the tape from my backside then back over again and the whole thing comes off in one go.. I remember looking at the bandage, it was pretty bloody if I’m honest but didn’t hurt at all. Dr Ives then pulls some packing out of my vagina which only felt slightly uncomfortable.. very manageable. Up next was 4 stitches, this had a slightly more stingy sensation followed a by a tightness release feeling but again not as bad as I was expecting. I didn’t even feel dr Ives pull out my drainage tube, he just said “you now have one less tube”.. haha can’t believe I didn’t even feel that. Dr Ives then puts some rolled up foam in a condom and gently puts it up your vagina.. no biggy, felt weird going in but now it’s in I can’t even feel it. They quickly pull up some surgery underpants with a feminine pad. I had been staring at the roof most of the time, I was too scarred to look at it. However once they finished and I looked down I could REALLY see my penis is officially gone and I had this flat shape. OMFG that is so cool to see! Wow! A little later my original nurse comes back in and says I can have a shower! Fk yess I’m totes down for a shower, she explains everything to me, where to hang my catheter, where the help button is, how to use the salt bath. Out comes my mould, then looking at my vagina for the first time in the bathroom mirror it looks like I have the worlds biggest camel toe. Fk me that thing is swollen.. I just need to have trust in the healing process so not allowing it to upset me. After my shower the nurse comes back and explains how to make the mould (foam in a condom) and insert it. I wasn’t prepared for this but she grabbed my handheld mirror out of no where and shoves it in front of my vagina! I hadn’t seen it from the bottom up view yet and it just hit me like a soccer ball to the face! It was so very red and angry looking, I couldn’t even really tell what was what. Miles from the cute designer vagina I want.. again I need to trust the healing process. With my nurses help I did manage to get my mould back in followed by a high five! They are all so great at Masada. Soon after I was ready for my first post op poo. Being a little self confident after my shower I thought I could do it on my own. Down come the undies and on the thrown I jump holding my catheter. Half way through I felt my mould pop out... oh oh! Remembering to wipe from front to back now I clean myself up and have another quick salt bath (you need one after every bowel movement). I then explained to the nurse I lost my mould and she pointed out I need to take it out before going to the toilet.. whoops my bad. She made a new one for me then I was back on track. Lesson learned. The next morning dr Ives and another nurse remove my catheter, this was such a weird feeling.. almost like your peeing yourself but intensely! Lucky it was quick and I’m now tube free!! I took this photo that morning in the bathroom mirror. Tomorrow I get to go home! Updated on 24 Nov 2017: Going home my biggest challenge was keeping my damn mould inside me. The hospital provided me with some Ansell checkmate NON lubricated condoms to use but as soon as they ran out I had to use my regular ones pre lathered in lube. This meant any time I coughed or sneezed my mould would shoot out! Very frustrating and I would get sore from constantly inserting it, I 100% recommend you order the non lubricated ones online before your op. I can forget sitting down too, it’s too sore and has a pressure feeling. Feels like your vagina will bust open so I opted for slumping down in chairs. A soft couch is my best friend right now. As for sleeping, still only comfortable on my back. I think after the first night I then started sleeping on my side with a pillow between my legs to keep them separated. I normally sleep on my front so I’ll take side over back any day. I also still have to wear feminine pads 24/7.. there is still a bit of bleeding going on as well as some discharge. I’m going through pads at a million miles a minute. I had to send my Mum to go buy me some more. Never having a period before I guess I’m making up for that now! Updated on 24 Nov 2017: Just at the end of week 2 post op I had my first check in with Dr Ives at his consulting suites. To my absolute delight he said I don’t need the mould anymore. The down side was he introduced me to my dilators and omg that big one terrifies me! He inspects my hoo haa and he seems very pleased with how it’s going. He tries one of the medium sized dilators in me. I think he sensed my displeasure that he chose such a large one to start with because he stopped and said “now, it’s very important you just relax, don’t fight it”. Fk me it was hard to relax.. I was just thinking stuff this royally, I’ll just gonna get boyfriends with tiny dicks!! Stawwp!! However to my surprise once it was in it wasn’t that bad. Just as I relaxed fully he rips it out and says “nap lets go up one more size”.. are you kidding me!.. Thankfully he was a bit more careful inserting this one and it definitely felt tight this time. Once he was done he said “look at that, it’s gone ALL the way in”.. this did make me feel proud for a second but pretty much just wanted it out ASAP! My instructions are to dilate twice a day for 30mins. I’m to slowly step up the dilator size and should be on the biggest one by Christmas (1 and a half months). He has given me some cream to mix in with my lube to help the healing process. I also need to continue to have two salt baths twice a day or after each bowel movement. I’m booked in to see Dr Ives again in another 6 weeks. Updated on 5 Jan 2018: It’s been 2 weeks since my check in with Dr Ives and I’m starting to get concerned with two things. The first being I’ve noticed my clitoris has been turning from a red/pink colour to this yellow/white colour (see photo). Secondly, my clitoris has no feeling or sensation what so ever. I can pinch it and feel absolutely nothing. If I push on it, I can feel the pressure behind it but not on it (maybe imagine a small stone stuck in your skin... like that). I knew the risks and one of them was the clitoris can loose blood supply and die. At the time of hearing that, it was easy to think “oh that will never happen to me” but now I have this heavy sinking feeling that my clitoris might actually be dying. I rang Dr Ives rooms and they told me to email in a picture of it for him. This is the very high res photo I took to send to Dr Ives. I got a timely response the next morning and was so relieved to hear this is normal. The white coloured skin is actually something called ‘slough’ and I’d never heard of it nor was it in the vagina instructions you get sent home with. It’s a natural body response to open wounds and isn’t really ideal. Dr Ives told me to keep up the salt baths to address it and rub it gently to get the ‘slough’ off. I actually upped my min baths from 2 to 3 a day and for 15mins duration instead of 10. As for the sensitivity he said this can sometimes take time to come back. To be honest this has been hard to deal with mentally. It’s easy for me to get all teary thinking I might never orgasm again. I’ve since done more research on this subject and there is such a vast array of results for others it’s hard to tell where I’ll end up. Some claim they have sensitivity from day one and others claim it took them a whole year before they could climax. It’s just way to early in the game for me to tell I guess. The point is now I understand you can’t expect to cut and move a part of your body and expect it to be just as sensitive as before. None the less, I’ll keep you updated on my sensitivity progress. Updated on 5 Jan 2018: Wow is the time flying by! My life has now very much returned back to normal except for no exercise allowed yet (other than walking). Getting up in the morning takes me allot longer with my extra vagina chores and it’s starting to get pretty old fast. Having to dilate for 30 mins, deal with any excess lube dripping from the hoo hah situations, wash the dilator, then salt bath before a shower can make for a very rushed morning when trying to meet friends for brunch or get to work. The struggle is real when you contemplate skipping dilation and sleeping for another 40 mins. However I’m forcing myself to be strict and want to give my vagina no chances of loosing depth because of my laziness. The actual act of dilating is not uncomfortable or painful, it’s just a repetitive pain in the ass! Maybe if it felt good I would be happier doing it. My ‘slough’ issue is definitely clearing up and I’m happy to report some slight sensation has returned to my clitoris. Not in the happy time feelings unfortunately but more of the pain type feelings. Ive noticed that if I sit cross legged or touch it it hurts slightly. However, I’ll take pain over nothing at this point. Also something new... it smells! For a while there it smelt really feminine and I was totes into it.. but now it’s taken a turn for the worse and I swear to god I can smell it through my jeans!!! It’s way worse than any smell I’ve smelt from that region in my life. Here’s the kicker, I’m actually a clean person, I shower regularly, I’m having 2 salt baths a day, hardly sweat yet it still smells like rotten flesh. So unfair. I see Dr Ives next week and keen to talk to him about it. That is, if it doesn’t knock him out first... Updated on 11 Mar 2018: 4 months have now passed and I have some updates / developments. Firstly I’m happy to report the odour has completely gone. Dr Ives said sometimes bacteria in wounds can smell a bit, but will pass as it heals. Which it did! I raised some concern with him about the large size of my cliterious and he said it was something he actually wanted to talk to me about. He thinks it would be good to get me back in for a quick day surgery to get it back up under my hood. However he wants to wait 3 months first. I’m happy with that though not sure how much this is going to cost me. I’ve been thinking about this and plan on talking to him about some additional cosmetic changes I would like. Granted I’m a bit over weight at the moment but I feel my lips are a bit too big (you can see a large camel toe in all my undies and bikini). This might be my own fault because prior to surgery I said I was terrified of just having a hole and no lips. I will aim to loose some weight to see if it improves. If it doesn’t I plan on discussing changing this in the same surgery. I did ask Dr Ives for photos of his work before surgery but all the photos are from down under looking straight up the hoo har. I would have really liked to see some traditional standing photos too to get an idea of what it would look like if someone walks in on me in the shower. I’m currently feeling self conscious of this view of it but have no reference to compare it too. Lastly I would like to talk about post surgery blues.. I think only yesterday I realised I’m a really down about it all after catching up with a friend who hadn’t seen me post op. She was all excited and wanted to know everything but I caught myself getting teary about it and wanting to change the subject. Maybe I just had really unrealistic expectations. I’ll discuss them with my doctor and psychologist but I feel I’ve gone down hill after surgery. I’ve put on 10kg since, don’t want to go out anymore, can’t orgasm which I miss dearly and I really wanted to start dating this year too but feel too self conscious of my large (vagina) lips. Some of this is in my control and just need to snap myself out of this negative mindset but major surgery can really give you a shake up. I definitely need some help and will be going to see my psychologist.
My initial surgery was performed in Jan 2015. A revision procedure was performed in Jul 2015 to resize the labia to correct an asymmetric appearance, remove some granulation tissue and attempt to increase the depth/girth of the vaginal cavity. As of Oct 2015 I am still on the no 2 of 5 dilator which equates to 3 inches depth (i.e. the maximum depth I can attain)
