Depression and Regret - Washington, WA

I am a 36 year old single mother to a wonderful 6...

I am a 36 year old single mother to a wonderful 6 year old autistic child. My ex and I have been separated almost a year and our divorce paperwork is in progress. I still love him and wish things could work, but he has a mental illness that was just impossible to live with. I can say that he always loved me for who I was, and he never wanted me to have a breast augmentation although I was self-conscious about my small breasts. I always wished I had bigger breast, and only seriously considered a BA when some close friends got them within the last 6 years. Their bodies looked great, and I thought, "Wow. I can just pay money and have big breasts and look good in clothes and bathing suits too."

Anyway, now that I live more than 1,000 miles from my ex and we're divorcing, I thought I can finally do it. I felt like I was doing it for me, and that I would feel better about myself. In some ways it was well thought out as I've wanted one for 6 years and felt like I'd done thorough research. In other ways, it was a rash decision as I really hadn't researched everything - the good and bad, nor was I aware of women who regretted it after because everyone on the forum I was on seemed so thrilled after.

Anyway, about 4 or 5 days postop, as the pain lessened, I suddenly became very depressed and anxious, and I wished I had never had the BA for many reasons. Although my body looks "better" in a bathing suit, I really feel like my pre BA body suited me better. I have a new perspective on it, and I feel that it wasn't that bad after all. I wish I had been more accepting of myself before. Why did it take this for me to realize that? My new body feels so alien to me. My breasts are hard and feel so foreign. I feel like I only want to wear baggy shirts now to cover them up as much as possible. I feel like I should've spent my money better as my car is not in the greatest shape. I feel like I should've spent my spring break enjoying my son instead of laid out in a bed. I feel like I just wants these things out of me and like I'm a fool for spending so much money, and I'd have to pay more money to get them out.

I also now realize complications are not uncommon and they are not lifetime devices, so women w/BAs have to be prepared to go through surgery again, pay more money, and endure pain at any time. Some women have to do several revisions. Some women say their implants have seriously affected their health. I just don't want to have to do several surgeries - at most one more - to take them out! I don't want to have to take time off from my son. I want to fully be there for him. I'm having trouble sleeping and find myself weeping off and on. As I research, some say that it's just postop blues, and they've grown to love them. Others say they never got used to them and removed them (some right away and some awhile later) and feel loads better after explanting. My roommate, says that I'm nuts and give it time, and I should not think of explanting. She actually wants to do it too, but hasn't yet because of money. I think it's fine for her if she's sure. I just now feel like they're not for me at all. I can't get more time off of work for another surgery until the summer, so I have to give it time, and maybe my feelings will change, but right now I feel downright miserable, and I feel like it's the biggest mistake of my life. Some people love them. I think it's just not right for me and my circumstances in life.

2 weeks postop and back to work today. How am I...

2 weeks postop and back to work today. How am I feeling now? I've stopped crying. I'm not heavily weighted by depression. However, I still regret it. I wish I had a time machine because I am certain that I would go back and undo it. Of course, we can't do that. I wonder how I'll feel by my 1 month postop appointment?
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It's good to hear that your surgery went well and that you're starting to feel better physically and emotionally. Hang in there!
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I too am a mother to a child on the autism spectrum and post explant x1 week. I think having my daughter (now 8) has helped me put my life in perspective & implants don't fit with SEPAC, therapies, PTA, work, etc. From reading the posts, it does sound like a lot of women need to go through "this journey" to realize that life isn't just about big boobs & filling out a shirt better. Listen to your heart & keep on this journey. Good luck!
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I'm sorry for your blues and confusion. It's possible you might adjust to them and come to like them! Some women never do and have to consider it an expensive life lesson.

Like the other ladies have said, you're insightful and clearly smart and you did a lot of research before surgery. You can never honestly know what you'll think or how you'll feel until you have them.

Please keep us posted as you continue to adjust to your additions.

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Thank you. I have to give myself time because I couldn't get time off work right now, even if I was sure. I guess that's a good thing because it will give me time to think and adjust (or not adjust).
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Based on my explant consultation, it's a very simple 25 min procedure...I am not taking any time off work (well, 2 hrs. in the afternoon, driving myself home and will be back at work the next day.
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I have not walked in your shoes but i just want to say that from your short story it doesn't sound as though you should regret your decision. I would never want to minimize your feelings but I think you owe yourself more credit. You sound well thought out and knowledgeable about procedure. Would any amount of research prepare you? I've been living and breathing research on this subject and it's taking me in circles, so, I don't think more research equals more knowledge necessarily. Thank you for being so brave to share your story and true emotions. Please keep us updated (maybe you are,? I'm new and still figuring it all out ) and I hope you can love your body more then ever very soon!!! You're beautiful and smart!
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Thanks! I guess in my research prior to my BA, I feel like I postop blues weren't talked about, and I certainly didn't come across even one woman who regretted her BA, especially within such a short time frame. Now that I have postop blues, I have found several women who feel like me. I actually chose Allergan 410 form stable implants because I believed they were so cohesive that they cannot leak. I have found out since getting them that they can fracture. These just got FDA approved in the US, but they have been used in other countries, and a few days ago I found two women in Australia who say theirs ruptured, in one case after four years. This is an important thing I missed in my research. I guess all of these things contributed to me feeling like I made a mistake.
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I hope you don't mind me adding another comment. The stuff about them "rupturing" from what I've read are very low statistically compared to slaine deflaiting. And the rupture (this I'm sure you know) is more like a tare as opposed to an explosion so your body is still very safe from harm. Some women don't even know theirs have torn because they hold their shape so well afterward. Everyones body is going to handle them differently (that's the part that scares me! Eeek!) but i think you know your body pretty well (and this is what I'm going on with decision as well) and since you know your body well and you're not a child (19-22 for the most part in my oppinion only and not everyone of them in that age group act like children still so please dont hate on me for my comment) youve had a beautiful child, so you're aware of changes and feelings and being tuned in to when something not right is happening and if you had doubts that it would work, I'm certain! That your mind would have been nagging at you not to do this. Even if you couldnt put a finger on what or why. Trust yourself! Trust your body. I've been on the fence for a while and mostly because I have two daughters (19mos and 4yrs) and i didn't want to seem like a hypocrite later on because I'm so pro inner beauty and love yourself, then one day I was bra shopping with my mom and we couldn't find my size 36A (probably should be a AA, but I REFUSE! To purchase one of those! Haha) and i blurted out, I'm gonna get a boob job. (I had thought about it for a while but never told her) and her reaction was nothing I had thought it would be. She was soo accepting of my decidion. We went to dinner and I ask her about her reaction (or lack there of) and told her about my concerns and she said, don't worry about your daughters, you're doing this for noone else but you. You continue teaching the girls to love themself and when they come to you as full grown adults who can make decisions on their own you deal with stuff then. Until then, theyll never know youve had anything done. (She does botox a bit) and she said, look at me, i do botox and that hasnt changed how you precieve anything or your feelings toward me. And it clicked. And from that moment I've been starting the process. Point is, this is done for you! It was a thought out process and not a friday night adventure. Have faith and trust and confidence in yourself. Youve also just gone through some major life changes in other areas! Take it easy on yourself. What size were you and what did you go to? (If you don't mind me asking) because from what I've read, most girls who have regrets went from AA to a DD. well. That's a huge adjustment and will take much more time to get used to. Your are stong!
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Thanks for sharing. I think your mom's advice is good. I can't get them removed immediately even if I wanted to, so I will give it some time. I am 5'6", 120 lbs, and broad shouldered. I was a very small A (usually didn't quite fill the cup). I got 375 ccs. I'm not sure what the final results will be, but my doctor said it should get me to a full C, maybe even a small D. Perhaps I would be more comfortable with a bit smaller, but it would be the same feeling inside of foreign objects always there.
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You sound like such a terrific person and so selfless. Go easier on yourself and try to get to know the new addition. You haven't changed you have just enhanced your body.It sounds like you have had a several challenges and changes in your life embrace yourself and dont beat yourself up. I enjoyed my implants for many many years and just explanted last week for medical reasons. Had I not gotten sick I would still have them and I did look better in my bathing suit but I now embrace how I will look this year. You hvae found the perfect place here on realself to chat with so many wonderful woman that can relate to every situation. Soft Hugs to a Deserving Beautiful Woman.
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Thank you for those kind words! It helped bring a smile to my face. :) When you say that you had them explanted for medical reasons, do you mean because you got sick from the implants. That's another thing I worry about. Also, I worry that if I wait too long, removing them will become more complicated and expensive.
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