Depression and Regret - Washington, WA

I am a 36 year old single mother to a wonderful 6...

I am a 36 year old single mother to a wonderful 6 year old autistic child. My ex and I have been separated almost a year and our divorce paperwork is in progress. I still love him and wish things could work, but he has a mental illness that was just impossible to live with. I can say that he always loved me for who I was, and he never wanted me to have a breast augmentation although I was self-conscious about my small breasts. I always wished I had bigger breast, and only seriously considered a BA when some close friends got them within the last 6 years. Their bodies looked great, and I thought, "Wow. I can just pay money and have big breasts and look good in clothes and bathing suits too."

Anyway, now that I live more than 1,000 miles from my ex and we're divorcing, I thought I can finally do it. I felt like I was doing it for me, and that I would feel better about myself. In some ways it was well thought out as I've wanted one for 6 years and felt like I'd done thorough research. In other ways, it was a rash decision as I really hadn't researched everything - the good and bad, nor was I aware of women who regretted it after because everyone on the forum I was on seemed so thrilled after.

Anyway, about 4 or 5 days postop, as the pain lessened, I suddenly became very depressed and anxious, and I wished I had never had the BA for many reasons. Although my body looks "better" in a bathing suit, I really feel like my pre BA body suited me better. I have a new perspective on it, and I feel that it wasn't that bad after all. I wish I had been more accepting of myself before. Why did it take this for me to realize that? My new body feels so alien to me. My breasts are hard and feel so foreign. I feel like I only want to wear baggy shirts now to cover them up as much as possible. I feel like I should've spent my money better as my car is not in the greatest shape. I feel like I should've spent my spring break enjoying my son instead of laid out in a bed. I feel like I just wants these things out of me and like I'm a fool for spending so much money, and I'd have to pay more money to get them out.

I also now realize complications are not uncommon and they are not lifetime devices, so women w/BAs have to be prepared to go through surgery again, pay more money, and endure pain at any time. Some women have to do several revisions. Some women say their implants have seriously affected their health. I just don't want to have to do several surgeries - at most one more - to take them out! I don't want to have to take time off from my son. I want to fully be there for him. I'm having trouble sleeping and find myself weeping off and on. As I research, some say that it's just postop blues, and they've grown to love them. Others say they never got used to them and removed them (some right away and some awhile later) and feel loads better after explanting. My roommate, says that I'm nuts and give it time, and I should not think of explanting. She actually wants to do it too, but hasn't yet because of money. I think it's fine for her if she's sure. I just now feel like they're not for me at all. I can't get more time off of work for another surgery until the summer, so I have to give it time, and maybe my feelings will change, but right now I feel downright miserable, and I feel like it's the biggest mistake of my life. Some people love them. I think it's just not right for me and my circumstances in life.

8 Comments

I'm sorry for your blues and confusion. It's possible you might adjust to them and come to like them! Some women never do and have to consider it an expensive life lesson.

Like the other ladies have said, you're insightful and clearly smart and you did a lot of research before surgery. You can never honestly know what you'll think or how you'll feel until you have them.

Please keep us posted as you continue to adjust to your additions.

  • Reply
Thank you. I have to give myself time because I couldn't get time off work right now, even if I was sure. I guess that's a good thing because it will give me time to think and adjust (or not adjust).
I have not walked in your shoes but i just want to say that from your short story it doesn't sound as though you should regret your decision. I would never want to minimize your feelings but I think you owe yourself more credit. You sound well thought out and knowledgeable about procedure. Would any amount of research prepare you? I've been living and breathing research on this subject and it's taking me in circles, so, I don't think more research equals more knowledge necessarily. Thank you for being so brave to share your story and true emotions. Please keep us updated (maybe you are,? I'm new and still figuring it all out ) and I hope you can love your body more then ever very soon!!! You're beautiful and smart!
  • Reply

2 weeks postop and back to work today. How am I...

2 weeks postop and back to work today. How am I feeling now? I've stopped crying. I'm not heavily weighted by depression. However, I still regret it. I wish I had a time machine because I am certain that I would go back and undo it. Of course, we can't do that. I wonder how I'll feel by my 1 month postop appointment?

3 Comments

It's good to hear that your surgery went well and that you're starting to feel better physically and emotionally. Hang in there!
  • Reply
I too am a mother to a child on the autism spectrum and post explant x1 week. I think having my daughter (now 8) has helped me put my life in perspective & implants don't fit with SEPAC, therapies, PTA, work, etc. From reading the posts, it does sound like a lot of women need to go through "this journey" to realize that life isn't just about big boobs & filling out a shirt better. Listen to your heart & keep on this journey. Good luck!
  • Reply
Based on my explant consultation, it's a very simple 25 min procedure...I am not taking any time off work (well, 2 hrs. in the afternoon, driving myself home and will be back at work the next day.
Was this review helpful? 2 others found this helpful