4 1/2 months post -- new pics

So, I've spent A LOT of time on the forums,...

So, I've spent A LOT of time on the forums, reading other ladies' stories. My husband is really against plastic surgery, so I have not proceeded with it. But now, as I'm getting older (32!), and done having kids, I want to go for it.

I have wanted BA since I was 14, when I made the cheerleading squad at my school. I knew at that time I didn't really have boobs, but I just assumed I wasn't done growing yet. Then came the day we all got fitted for uniforms. I couldn't help but notice that everyone else looked like a *woman.* And I was still not quite an A cup. I had this realization that I hadn't grown in height or weight since 7th grade; I was done growing. Boobs and all. The body I had that day, was more or less my 'adult' sized body. (And true enough, 18 years later, I am not even a half inch taller, but probably 15 pounds heavier!) So anyway, that was the moment I wanted BA, just to look like a woman.

Even though I was just 14, I knew it wasn't practical or even possible to have the surgery. In the back of my mind, though, I thought I would get it done before I left for college. But the realities of the expenses of college put that plan on the back burner. Then I met this amazing man, we dated, got married, etc.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed my children, and I was content to wait for BA until I was done with kids, even though I knew I didn't really have to. Just one less potential for complications in that regard. So I waited.

Two children later, my youngest is 6 1/2, and I still haven't done it. Why not? The man I married, as wonderful as he is, is really against the idea of plastic surgery. I have tried a couple of times over the years to bring it up, and it's basically a discussion of all the reasons I shouldn't do it, which we all already know. But that doesn't seem to make me feel like a woman, the way I have wanted to feel since I was 14.

Basically, I am less than an A cup, and while I say I want to be a full B (there are plenty of you ladies' before pics I would be happy with!), some of the 'after' photos I like are Cs and Ds. Like most, I want to look proportional to my frame (pear shape) and natural. I do NOT want to look like a 30-somethng with two children whose breasts can defy gravity. :)

Today I am feeling a little more brave and empowered to bring it up again. I think this time, instead of trying to make my husband understand how I feel, I am going to tell him how I feel, and ask for him to support my decision. I know he will wonder what to tell our friends. We take group vaca to a beach once a year with this small group of friends, and I'm sure he will not want me to look like Pamela Anderson in front of them. So I plan to show him a few pics of what my ideal end result will be, and go from there.

I worked up the courage last night and brought it...

I worked up the courage last night and brought it up with my husband. I was really nervous, knowing from when I've brought it up in the past how much he didn't like the idea.

I can tell you* verbatim* what I said (because I rehearsed it in my mind so many times). I said, "I need to talk to you about something that has been really hard for me to even bring up. To get to the point, I REALLY want a boob job. I know how you feel about it, and I know I'm not going to change your mind. But what I'm asking for now is your support. If I decide to go through with this, I will need your help and assistance after the surgery. And I'd like you to come to some of the consultations. Can you do that and be a part of it with me?"

He said I was a grown woman, it's my body and he would love me no matter what. (Yay!) But (you knew that was coming, right?), he also said he wouldn't be as attracted to me physically. He said he couldn't imagine touching them, knowing they weren't ME.

I told him next that I was really heartbroken, because I'm in this awful place of having to choose between something I have wanted for SO LONG, and honoring him as my husband and his preferences. So I am doing this constant back and forth in my mind, on one hand, he may THINK he doesn't like the look/feel of them, but in a year or two, could he get used to it? On the other hand, what if he doesn't get used to it, and I end up less attractive to him, and it somehow destabilizes and hurts our marriage? So many of you on this website have said your hubbys have gotten over it, and you're fine now. I just know how well we work together as partners in life, parenting, etc., could I potentially ruin my marriage?

So many of you have already responded, and I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. I just wanted to update you all on the situation and how it has progressed. I know it's up to me, ultimately. I just need some time to think. But any new insight anyone has would be great.

Forgot to say, he asked me why I was trying to...

Forgot to say, he asked me why I was trying to live up to unrealistic standards. I told him I wasn't, it was the simple fact that I could buy a size small bikini top, and a size large bottom (I'm a serious pear shape), and the small top would be GAPING on me. Same with dress shopping: to try on several dresses, and have to choose the one that I can most easily conceal my bra with 'cutlets.' And even then there is no guarantee it will fit properly on top without taking it to the tailor. Or when I was at VS asking for a backless bra in my size, and the sales girls says, "Do you even need a bra?" So it's not that I'm trying to live up to a standard. I'm trying to fit in women's clothes.

I would say I got the point for that round. :)

I have decided to go for it!

Basically, after a LOT of soul searching, and a few sessions with a therapist, I have decided to go for it.

In my meetings with the counselor, we went over all kinds of screenings for body dismorphic disorder, confidence, etc. It was very thorough, and we talked about why I wanted it, how long, family relationships, old boyfriends, whether I had been teased about it... I can't even tell you all we discussed. Ultimately, she reminded me that it is MY BODY, and I can do with it whatever I want. I just so feared it could end my marriage. To which I realized, it would be the most ridiculous reason to leave a marriage: because your wife got a boob job.

So. I went to a consultation. I got really mixed feelings. The doctor I spoke with seemed really nervous through our whole meeting. We did the 3D imaging photo. It was okay. She said they only did high profile implants. And I really want a natural look. So then I was thinking maybe this whole thing wasn't for me after all.

The photo is the vectra imaging they did.

Then I went to another doctor for another consultation. It was TOTALLY different! So far, advice I can give to people thinking about it, is to visit more than one doctor! I met one of the staff members, Kim, and she was so easy to talk to. She showed me pictures of women with a similar 'before' to what I look like. She showed me that I have a wider frame, and that 300 CCs looks drastically different on a woman with a narrow frame vs a wider frame.

I tried on sizers, and I liked something that felt rather large. I said I liked how it looked under clothes, but I was worried about looking too large with a swim suit. She asked if I was married, and how my husband felt about it. That's when I broke down and cried. She was great. Got me kleenex, water and a few minutes. When she came back, she asked about how our relationship was, why he didn't like it, and seemed like she really cared. I can't tell you how much it put me at ease.

Unfortunately, because of that, it took a while, and I didn't get a chance to actually meet the doctor. But I most certainly will go again, because I already feel so good about how caring she was.

Then, after a few days, out of nowhere, my husband sat down with me, and said he just wants me to be happy. He completely changed his tune, and has agreed to support me.

I don't know what changed in him, or if he finally just accepted the fact that I was going to do it. But things really seem to be moving in the right direction.

Date is scheduled!

The date is March 4th! I am really nervous. I know it's what I want, but I can't shake the nerves of complications. I know all the stats and complications are rare, but...

My husband hasn't been peachy about this whole thing. I read my last post, and I'm not sure exactly when he reverted back to his 'crabby pants' ways. But he did. Frankly, it's been pretty emotionally traumatic.

On Monday, I was getting out of the shower when I just started crying. Crying because he had been being so cold and distant to me for the three days before; crying because I know I want it, but I'm scared; crying because if the worst DOES happen, and I do need a follow-up surgery I feel he will just shrug and say, "I told you so."

Anyway, my husband walked into the bathroom to find me crying and he said he'd change his attitude. He said he felt 'shut out' of the whole process. To be fair, no, I didn't EXPLICITLY invite him to the consultations I went to. I was nervous to invite him, knowing how he reacts. But we share a Google calendar, and the appointments were all on there. During out last discussion, I welcomed him to join me. And he didn't, even though he admitted knowing about the appointments. I hope he does change his attitude. It would make this whole thing so much easier on me.

But, as I've learned over the past year, there is only one person's happiness that I am responsible for, and that is mine. And while I don't NEED this to be happy (I'm blessed with an otherwise good marriage, good health, the means to travel occasionally, two smart and healthy children, and a job I like), it sure would be the icing on the cake to be able to wear strapless sundresses and not look like a my seven year old son. :)

So here I go!

I have my list of things to get ready for the surgery. If I've missed anything please let me know. Two weeks and counting!

-- Make/prep meals for the fam
-- Prescriptions picked up from pharmacy
-- Small notebook for tracking when I take pain pills
-- Shirts that button/zip for day of surgery and few days after
-- Trash can for the car ride home (just in case)
-- Homemade ice packs (1 part rubbing alcohol to 3 parts water in a ziploc bag)
-- Pillows (to keep me propped at 45* angle, and one for under my knees)
-- Neck pillow to hold my head up
-- lip balm
-- water bottle
-- baby wipes
-- arnica
-- cocoa butter
-- High fiber foods/laxative
-- Coobie bra
-- Scar cream

Also, I'm looking for women with similar stats/sizes to me. Are you out there?

5'3 maybe 5'4 on a good day
140 (I've been 'comfort eating' this past year, as I've dealt with all this. Not good, I know, but I know I'll lose it again once we're over the hump, and I'm already trying! I'm usually 130-135.)
I'm 35" around just under my bust
36AA (I wear cutlets everyday that supposedly add two cup sizes, but I'm only a 36B with those.)

Love to you all! I love this site!

A few more reasons...

Here are some pics I snapped last year when I was trying on sundresses. :( I have absolutely nothing. I am so ready!

Prescription costs

I was nervous about paying for the prescription painkillers and anti-nausea meds. I had no idea how much those would run, and had it in my head that it would be at least $100. So for anyone else wondering that, I thought I'd let you know (and I'm sure it varies by location/region) but at Walgreens, if I joined their 'Prescription Club' or whatever it's called, it was $65.99. This was with no insurance, too. $21 of it was for just one of them, an anti-nausea patch my PS recommended because I have a tendancy for carsickness. :P And not everyone needs that one.

Planning and Preparation

I am a bit of a planner, and I just thought I'd share with all of you something I did that helped me feel a bit more organized and ready for this whole thing.

I printed out a week-view calendar from my google calendar. I did the two weeks before my surgery and the two weeks after, so I have four pages total of one week each.

Then as I read through the material from my PS about 'nothing but Tylenol for the two weeks before surgery,' I wrote that across the two weeks before. I wrote down when to shower with the antibacterial stuff, when to apply the carsickness patch, when to swtich from pain pills back to Tylenol, etc. So instead of the information being spread out, I now have a 'day by day' look at what I'm supposted to be doing/taking at a glance.

Also, on that sheet, I've just noted little things about when people said, "I drove for the first time today and I probably should have waited," and added a day or two and added 'prob ok to drive again' on that day. I left all our family commitments on the calendar, so I could easily see what would be impacted with my recovery for sure.

Anyway, it added some clarity and concrete steps for me and I felt more prepared. Thought I'd share the love. :)

Last sob-story post, I promise...

So I'm getting my ducks in a row (I'm now one week away!) and I but a basket next to the bed with cocoa butter and some scar cream. When we were getting ready for bed, Hubby asks about it, and I tell him I'm just getting stuff together.

I swear I'm not making this up. He says that he thinks it's a little insensitive of me to be rubbing this whole thing in his face. Whaaaaa?!?! Seriously. He asked if I could even see it from his point of view, how it could be perceived as rubbing it in. Because it is one of the last things he has to see before he goes to bed, and how can he sleep after being reminded of what's coming?

I should have been more sensitive at this point, and tried to placate him. But I am so TIRED of the drama at this point, and I was just exasperated with it all, so I said, "No. I think it's what anyone who is getting ready for a surgery would do. If you actually support me like you say you do, a little cocoa butter and scar cream shouldn't be a problem."

He proceeded to get huffy. Said he couldn't sleep and wanted to go downstairs and just sit by himself for a little bit.

I am trying so hard to keep a positive attitude, and I HATE reading through my posts because they are all so 'Debbie-Downer' and anyone who knows me personally knows how up-beat and happy go lucky I am the other 99% of the time. But I need to vent. And all you ladies are so great, you are my real support system. Keep my chin up, right?!?!

No more negativity on my stream, though. From now on, only about the good stuff! Onward and upward!

Last before pics

I took some final 'farewell' pics of the girls. I plan to update with the same poses and lighting as I progress and heal.

Again, just in case, my stats:

34 years old
5' 3 1/2"
140 lbs (my original bare boob pic was when I was 130. :( )
35" around just under my bust
planning on 400cc

Traveling?

I'm asking all you ladies 'on the other side'...

Every year, my mom and sisters and I take a ladies trip to Kansas City. It's about a 3 1/2 hour drive. We usually walk around shopping, eating and then having a few cocktails and singing bad karaoke!

Anyway, my sister has a 9 month old baby, so our plan this year is to have a 'slumber party' at her house on Fri., and then head out Sat morning for KC. Stay in KC Sat night. Lazy brunch on Sunday and drive home.

If my surgery is Tuesday, I was thinking I would meet up with them for dinner on Fri night, but then come home to my own bed to sleep. But then still go to KC for the weekend.

Any thoughts or advice? This is not a mandatory trip by any means, so if I'm feeling crap-tastic I won't go (even though I'll be bummed).

My mom and sisters are all so happy and excited for me, I know they won't mind carrying my bag and doing all the driving. Plus, considering my home situation, I think it will d good for me to surround myself with positive energy.

Thoughts and advice?

Sizers

I finally downloaded the pics from my phone. The quality is pretty crappy, but you get the idea. I was a little flustered that day -- hubby was there and so I was really nervous. I can't remember exactly, but I think this shot is 350 on my right (your left) and 450 on my left (your right). I settled on the 400 between.

Today is the day!

I'm heading to the PS in about 10 mins. I am supposed to be there at 1pm for a 2pm surgery time. I am crazy hungry! I haven't eaten since dinner last night, and I haven't had anything to drink since 7am.

But so far, so good. Hubby is a bit of a crabby pants, but whatever.

I'm so calm and zen about it now. We'll see how that hold up once I get there! See you ladies on the other side!

On the other side!

I can't believe I did it! Of course I'm sore, but I'm down to one pain pill every 3-4 hours.

I'm worried because I'm red -- infection!?!? I sent the pics to my doc and am waiting to hear back.

I'll write more about the surgery later.

Too much ice?!!?!

My PS called me back. Since I don't have a fever, nor pus coming out of incisions, no rash/redness anywhere else, he's ruled out an allergy to meds and infection. He thinks I may have freezer burned my skin! No more ice! But that makes me nervous about swelling.

Very happy with results!

The kiddos are on spring break this week, so I don't have much time to write. Just wanted to give a quick update. Tomorrow is one week post-op. I'm feeling so unbelievably good! I spent the weekend with my mom and sisters, but we stayed in Omaha at my sister's house. I slept in her recliner, and let me say, if you are able to sleep in a recliner -- DO! We don't have a recliner, so I bought a wedge pillow, but the recliner wins, hands down! Anyway, I'm including a pic. I can't believe how little I'm bruised. The red spot is my own fault (freezer burn).

Quick update with new pic

I don't have long, but wanted to say I'm just amazed by how I feel 3 weeks out. I can do 99% of what I used to in daily life. I can sleep on my right side (not my left -- there is this one spot near my armpit that starts to hurt), but I haven't tried my stomach. I'm not much of a tummy sleeper anyway.

I have been doing brisk walks three times a week for two weeks now, but other than that no exercise/gym. I feel like I could do some light weight lifting, but I see no reason to push it too fast.

They got squishy at least a week ago, probably more like 10 days ago.

I'm probably THE FIRST woman to say this. I'm happy with the size, but I am am so glad I didn't go any bigger. I know. I still look normal in clothes, but naked they're... Umm... Plenty, for me.

One month post -- feeling great!

One month post, I'm just wishing I had done this whole procedure sooner. I hope they settle down a little bit more, sometimes I can see an unnatural slope at the top of the implant. But for the most part, I love the results.

I had some Mondor's cords, but they are all but gone now. I think I had them about two, maybe three weeks. They never hurt, but kinda freaked me out. I added a pic of Mondor's cords I found on the internet that looked like mine did. I didn't take a pic of mine, and like I said, they are basically gone now.

My nipples are no longer standing at attention. I am glad they have decided to sit down and rest. They were super sensitive -- in fact, all the skin on my breasts were sensitive for a while, but that's all gone now, too. The only thing that made them feel better was to cover them with cocoa butter or vaseline and wear a baggy sweatshirt and no bra. Funny anecdote... I was brushing my hair after a shower, and accidentally ran the brush over my nipple and it may as well have been an electric shock! It hurt so bad!

I must have overdone it or something yesterday, because my lefty is feeling a little sore and swollen. You might be able to tell in the pic. My nipples don't point in the same direction, but I expected that because they didn't point in the same direction to begin with.

The situation with hubby is getting better. He is willingly and actively going to counseling with me, and things are getting better. The day-to-day tension around the house is much improved. We do have some work to do, but we're moving in the right direction.

My scars aren't healing as quickly as I'd have liked, but all things considered, I can deal with it. They are getting better, but I've seen other peeps a month out and feel like I'm behind in that regard. But I think I dropped and fluffed sooner than others, so win some lose some I guess.

I am nervous about this summer coming, and wearing a swimsuit for the first time in front of people. I am SO not a flashy person. So I've bought a few modest suits and some new covers and hopefully I won't attract attention.

I don't know what else to say, so if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

New pics

No real news to add, just wanted to share some post pics.

4 1/2 months post

I just read a post by another young woman who is where I was when I started my journey. My heart broke for her. Hubbs and I are not completely back to normal, we're still going to counseling, but we're getting there. Adding a few new pics. I'm really feeling quite 'settled in.'
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