Transforming and building a love for myself - Riverside, CA

When I was born, they didn't expect me to live because I was born 28 weeks early. Born at 2lbs 6oz. I refused to give up, thus, I was dubbed as "The Miracle Child". Today, you would see me now and you wouldn't have guessed it! I wouldn't have either. ;D In fact, you'd do a triple take and perhaps break your neck because of my ginormous breasts and tiny frame. They might as well have their own gravitational force!!! As I was growing up, I remained quite skinny, and rather healthy until something in my genes just suddenly decided to explode into a frenzy of changes. I didn't start developing breasts until as early as the 4th grade. One day while we were all in line to go into class, I can remember clearly this girl obnoxiously announced to the whole class that I was wearing a bra! I WAS MORTIFIED! That's not something they should know! I then became self conscious and noticed that I started to become a little thicker.... I'vent been "skinny" since a child.
Presently, I'm not a terribly heavy person, yet believe that I was cursed with such the least desirable body shape, the apple. o.o DUN..DUN DUUUN!!! *thunder~thunder~lightning* For all you apple shaped women out there, you know exactly what I mean. -_- IT'S HORRID! So my breasts didn't fully develop until I was in my summer years of middle school entering the 8th grade, they just...kinda came out of no where. And everyone noticed. Gee what a splendid surprise! Anywho! Yes, apple shaped, I am very very top heavy and I tend to carry most fat in my midsection..everything else seems to be toned. I am 5"4/5"5 I believe and weigh 186. My breasts grew through out high school and I am currently studying in college. Through out high school I was always confused to be an older age than what I was, (and still am), and my friends called me silly names like; tankers, torpedoes, you get the idea. Oh boy does college get worse! I've been called; Tits McGee, Big Tits, Tatas, Titty Monster, Godzilla Tits...ugh but the best I've ever been called was a "Goddess", hum, I can't deny that!
It took me a while to muster up the guts to post here, but I figured, "Hey why not, there are girls my age, (20 going on 21) who really need help and inspiration! There aren't many girls my age that post a lot of pictures of themselves in a personal perspective, and it just might help them." I hope so.
I went through HELL and back just to get approved and approved again, to find the right doctor and so on to get this surgery. There is no turning back now and I am so, so, excited!! I've met with my surgeon twice already, Dr. Ben Childers, and from what I can tell, he is a splendid and exceptional man and very talented in his work. I felt very comfortable with him, but on the contrary, my previous GP my insurance gave me was not so great and I was displeased with his work. So here I am now, waiting, tallying off the days till the 11th. There is no turning back now, and I am ready to see a new me. I'll be able to finally wear the things I want to wear, and look even more amazing.

Well today is the big day! I am so excited, yet nervous all in one!! Yesterday felt like a dream, but it feels even more dream like today hehe... Bah, if only I could have a nice meal to calm my nerves. ;D S0 it is 6:16 and I go in at 8..omg!

I am taking everything one step at a time and trying not to move too much. Yesterday they gave me a lot of pain medicine and my pain was from a 5-8. The team took care of me very well and I couldn't ask for a better team. Once I got home, I was feeling so nauseous a dizzy finally threw up once I was going to bed lol. Right now I am very sore in my neck and in my back, and of course everywhere else. Very uncomfortable....been sleeping for almost 20 hours. :/ (I'll post photos when I am feeling a bit better). Saw my doc today, everything looks fine, and the next time I will meet with him is next Friday.

Hey guys! I want to formally apologize for my long absence, life has a way of pulling you away from the most tedious of tasks. But I have a lot of catching you up to do. So, my healing in all wasn't the best as I'd hoped it to be. I've healed with my right breast forming fat necrosis. It had an open wound for about 2 months, finally decided to close and now it has been spewing broken down fatty liquid and my right breast has a hard dead fatty mass in it that will be taken out.

(They're not as big and full as they used to be when they were swollen, so keep in mind they will shrink!! I'm worried they may become too small when I lose a lot of weight! :o )

- Tomorrow morning (7am have to be there at 5:30am >___> ) I will have to have another surgery for this to be removed. I am not thrilled. The way my breasts are healing aren't so great, right now I am extremely self conscious of them!!! I just really hope and pray that this surgery will correct everything in it's entirety and I hope that this breast won't come out smaller than my left breast.
My left breast healed fine but the skin looks red and scaly, the "scales" *shivers* are peeling off a lot so I guess new skin will come in eventually and not look so morbid later on. I's hate to say it but...... I almost might be regretting this reduction only because of how my body is healing/ how it looks, and I'm asking myself was it even worth destroying my body??? Yes because I couldn't live with 42j's for any much longer..... No, because I can't be naked for a very long time. It sounds silly but my body is very important to me and I feel like I may never be at peace with myself, happy, content...... I'm very sad. I just want to look like a "normal" beautiful 21 year old girl and show off my body in my youth. I've never been able to do that. :/ I know I shouldn't go into surgery with a unhappy mood, but eh, it's hard not to. Keeping the faith though. Anyway! Wish me luck, good vibes, blessings.

Surgery went well today! The Doc said everything looked great on the inside of my breast, no decaying or anything major. The necrosis was removed and I am in the process of resting and healing. Pain is minimal and will be going back to school tomorrow! Will keep an update. :)

Well I'm not too sure where to begin as of now...But here it goes!
The reality just hit me tonight as I was staring intensely at myself in the mirror, just before going to bed. I finally was able to fully grasp the fact that I may have made a terrible mistake. One of the most biggest mistakes of my life. At first, things seemed to be going initially well after my first surgery. But as time went on I noticed my breasts have become noticeably crooked and NOW my nipples and skin around the nipples are hardening, flaking and still itchy. Also, my breasts are oddly shaped as one is fuller than the other. I am doing everything I can to revive the nipples but to no avail, I believe I may be losing them. I've never been too overly pessimistic as far as it comes to my body image but now, I feel like I've ruined my body and it's irreversible. Forgive me if I sound like a rainy parade but I just can't help to feel this way and it's a terrible, dark, icky feeling! The parts of skin on my breasts are thick and leathery, and it's not pleasant to touch. I'm feeling my nerve endings reconnecting, (OUCH! D: ) I am afraid that if someone were to touch my breasts, they would freak out and be disgusted! I've never cried so hard about the way I look, to me I should be able to show off my body and be happy at my age, but I am not. I've gained a few pounds and missed my period for 2 months and 1/2, just started again yesterday to my surprise. I guess it's either caused by depression or stress. Wouldn't doubt both. I can't help to feel like I've played a horrible prank on myself...
I'm going to be going through some harsh weather right now and for however long I'll be looking this way. It will be 3 months until my next appointment and I really hope my body starts becoming a swan within that time and this year. I guess it is no one's fault that I'm turning out this way, I can only blame the way my body is healing (thanks body you're really on my side aren't ya?!). >_> Anyway, only time will tell. Thank you guys for keeping up with me and for your support, without you I don't know where I'd be. Please keep me in your prayers and ask that I don't remain depressed and that I heal/transform into a beautiful swan. I want to be happy with the way I look and feel.

Things aren't doing so great at all. I think this has to be one of the worst thing's I've done to myself. :( It's a miserably lonesome feeling knowing you can't reverse a body modification. I'd never imagine me to be one of the unlucky few to be going through such disfiguration and turmoil. I'm sure if I were someone "important", like a celebrity, everything would be perfect. But I feel like a no body... I was very unlucky to have this out come. Hopefully things actually heal and grow into it'self and maybe, just maybe one day I can laugh at all this melodrama. -_-