Transforming and building a love for myself - Riverside, CA

When I was born, they didn't expect me to live...

When I was born, they didn't expect me to live because I was born 28 weeks early. Born at 2lbs 6oz. I refused to give up, thus, I was dubbed as "The Miracle Child". Today, you would see me now and you wouldn't have guessed it! I wouldn't have either. ;D In fact, you'd do a triple take and perhaps break your neck because of my ginormous breasts and tiny frame. They might as well have their own gravitational force!!! As I was growing up, I remained quite skinny, and rather healthy until something in my genes just suddenly decided to explode into a frenzy of changes. I didn't start developing breasts until as early as the 4th grade. One day while we were all in line to go into class, I can remember clearly this girl obnoxiously announced to the whole class that I was wearing a bra! I WAS MORTIFIED! That's not something they should know! I then became self conscious and noticed that I started to become a little thicker.... I'vent been "skinny" since a child.
Presently, I'm not a terribly heavy person, yet believe that I was cursed with such the least desirable body shape, the apple. o.o DUN..DUN DUUUN!!! *thunder~thunder~lightning* For all you apple shaped women out there, you know exactly what I mean. -_- IT'S HORRID! So my breasts didn't fully develop until I was in my summer years of middle school entering the 8th grade, they just...kinda came out of no where. And everyone noticed. Gee what a splendid surprise! Anywho! Yes, apple shaped, I am very very top heavy and I tend to carry most fat in my midsection..everything else seems to be toned. I am 5"4/5"5 I believe and weigh 186. My breasts grew through out high school and I am currently studying in college. Through out high school I was always confused to be an older age than what I was, (and still am), and my friends called me silly names like; tankers, torpedoes, you get the idea. Oh boy does college get worse! I've been called; Tits McGee, Big Tits, Tatas, Titty Monster, Godzilla Tits...ugh but the best I've ever been called was a "Goddess", hum, I can't deny that!
It took me a while to muster up the guts to post here, but I figured, "Hey why not, there are girls my age, (20 going on 21) who really need help and inspiration! There aren't many girls my age that post a lot of pictures of themselves in a personal perspective, and it just might help them." I hope so.
I went through HELL and back just to get approved and approved again, to find the right doctor and so on to get this surgery. There is no turning back now and I am so, so, excited!! I've met with my surgeon twice already, Dr. Ben Childers, and from what I can tell, he is a splendid and exceptional man and very talented in his work. I felt very comfortable with him, but on the contrary, my previous GP my insurance gave me was not so great and I was displeased with his work. So here I am now, waiting, tallying off the days till the 11th. There is no turning back now, and I am ready to see a new me. I'll be able to finally wear the things I want to wear, and look even more amazing.

Zero Hour! :0

Well today is the big day! I am so excited, yet nervous all in one!! Yesterday felt like a dream, but it feels even more dream like today hehe... Bah, if only I could have a nice meal to calm my nerves. ;D S0 it is 6:16 and I go in at 8..omg!

Day 1 of healing

I am taking everything one step at a time and trying not to move too much. Yesterday they gave me a lot of pain medicine and my pain was from a 5-8. The team took care of me very well and I couldn't ask for a better team. Once I got home, I was feeling so nauseous a dizzy finally threw up once I was going to bed lol. Right now I am very sore in my neck and in my back, and of course everywhere else. Very uncomfortable....been sleeping for almost 20 hours. :/ (I'll post photos when I am feeling a bit better). Saw my doc today, everything looks fine, and the next time I will meet with him is next Friday.

(2 1/2 months pre op)

Hey guys! I want to formally apologize for my long absence, life has a way of pulling you away from the most tedious of tasks. But I have a lot of catching you up to do. So, my healing in all wasn't the best as I'd hoped it to be. I've healed with my right breast forming fat necrosis. It had an open wound for about 2 months, finally decided to close and now it has been spewing broken down fatty liquid and my right breast has a hard dead fatty mass in it that will be taken out.

(They're not as big and full as they used to be when they were swollen, so keep in mind they will shrink!! I'm worried they may become too small when I lose a lot of weight! :o )

- Tomorrow morning (7am have to be there at 5:30am >___> ) I will have to have another surgery for this to be removed. I am not thrilled. The way my breasts are healing aren't so great, right now I am extremely self conscious of them!!! I just really hope and pray that this surgery will correct everything in it's entirety and I hope that this breast won't come out smaller than my left breast.
My left breast healed fine but the skin looks red and scaly, the "scales" *shivers* are peeling off a lot so I guess new skin will come in eventually and not look so morbid later on. I's hate to say it but...... I almost might be regretting this reduction only because of how my body is healing/ how it looks, and I'm asking myself was it even worth destroying my body??? Yes because I couldn't live with 42j's for any much longer..... No, because I can't be naked for a very long time. It sounds silly but my body is very important to me and I feel like I may never be at peace with myself, happy, content...... I'm very sad. I just want to look like a "normal" beautiful 21 year old girl and show off my body in my youth. I've never been able to do that. :/ I know I shouldn't go into surgery with a unhappy mood, but eh, it's hard not to. Keeping the faith though. Anyway! Wish me luck, good vibes, blessings.

Post OP: Day After Surgery

1 month Post OP: Healing wounds

2 months Post OP

2 months post OP

Debrivement of the Fat Necrosis os the right breast- 2nd Post OP!

Surgery went well today! The Doc said everything looked great on the inside of my breast, no decaying or anything major. The necrosis was removed and I am in the process of resting and healing. Pain is minimal and will be going back to school tomorrow! Will keep an update. :)

Post op #2 And tomorrow (20th) is my birthday :o

Well I'm not too sure where to begin as of now...But here it goes!
The reality just hit me tonight as I was staring intensely at myself in the mirror, just before going to bed. I finally was able to fully grasp the fact that I may have made a terrible mistake. One of the most biggest mistakes of my life. At first, things seemed to be going initially well after my first surgery. But as time went on I noticed my breasts have become noticeably crooked and NOW my nipples and skin around the nipples are hardening, flaking and still itchy. Also, my breasts are oddly shaped as one is fuller than the other. I am doing everything I can to revive the nipples but to no avail, I believe I may be losing them. I've never been too overly pessimistic as far as it comes to my body image but now, I feel like I've ruined my body and it's irreversible. Forgive me if I sound like a rainy parade but I just can't help to feel this way and it's a terrible, dark, icky feeling! The parts of skin on my breasts are thick and leathery, and it's not pleasant to touch. I'm feeling my nerve endings reconnecting, (OUCH! D: ) I am afraid that if someone were to touch my breasts, they would freak out and be disgusted! I've never cried so hard about the way I look, to me I should be able to show off my body and be happy at my age, but I am not. I've gained a few pounds and missed my period for 2 months and 1/2, just started again yesterday to my surprise. I guess it's either caused by depression or stress. Wouldn't doubt both. I can't help to feel like I've played a horrible prank on myself...
I'm going to be going through some harsh weather right now and for however long I'll be looking this way. It will be 3 months until my next appointment and I really hope my body starts becoming a swan within that time and this year. I guess it is no one's fault that I'm turning out this way, I can only blame the way my body is healing (thanks body you're really on my side aren't ya?!). >_> Anyway, only time will tell. Thank you guys for keeping up with me and for your support, without you I don't know where I'd be. Please keep me in your prayers and ask that I don't remain depressed and that I heal/transform into a beautiful swan. I want to be happy with the way I look and feel.

Not doing too well inside and out

Things aren't doing so great at all. I think this has to be one of the worst thing's I've done to myself. :( It's a miserably lonesome feeling knowing you can't reverse a body modification. I'd never imagine me to be one of the unlucky few to be going through such disfiguration and turmoil. I'm sure if I were someone "important", like a celebrity, everything would be perfect. But I feel like a no body... I was very unlucky to have this out come. Hopefully things actually heal and grow into it'self and maybe, just maybe one day I can laugh at all this melodrama. -_-

Never fully recovered, emotionally faltering.

Hey gals, sorry I've been away so long. I think about this site often, and hope everyone is doing okay. But unfortunately I've been away simple because I couldn't for the longest time form the words to match my thoughts, my feelings, and ailments. I've never quite healed, and I battle they way I turned out everyday. Everything is fine until I look in the mirror. The worst thing that bugs me is how my plastic surgeon never even called me after my 500th follow up, never called me after my biopsy, never called me to see if I even healed at all. Heh.....some kind of professional. Look, I know that this surgery was covered by insurance, but my life matters to me, my body, and my body image matters to me. I am NOT cheap, I am not a lab rat that they can just cut me open and leave me DEFORMED. I look like shit. And I feel like it too.... I am so sorry for the vulgarity, but I have to deal with this everyday. My breasts stick to my bra and create a crust on the insides, my nipples itch like crazy and they bleed, my breasts are flaky, discolored, course and thick like hide, they are uneven...I look like a walking corpse. :( I wish my doctor knew that some days I don't wish to go on. I wish he knew what it's like to feel the way I do. I wish he cared. And I feel so stupid for ever thinking that he was like...the messiah of all doctors. I hate myself for ever getting this reduction, and I hate myself even more knowing that I'll never be the way I was before.

I went to go to my second opinion follow up in November, the lady did nothing but tell me a sappy story, it didn't make me feel better. She told me that one day I'll find someone who will love me for the way I am, but I don't want that I want to run around topless without worrying about my scars looking like F***ing nipples!! She told me to return in the time that would have made a year, February...I call to make an appointment and they tell me that they are no longer seeing my insurance group, YAY!!! :D So now I can't see them. I go to my PA and show her what is wrong and she is taken aback, she didn't even know what happened to me, what really blew me away was that she ha never seen Dr. Childer's work turn out this way, I am the first one. Well lucky me!!! Everything is basically shot to shit from here. I haven't heard back from anyone.....I guess I'm not that important to them. After all, they're just breasts, right?

Worried sick

I am so afraid that they're going to have to remove my breasts/nipples/ad or more breast tissue. I haven't heard back from anyone yet. Two and a half weeks ago my PA's office called and told me that they are trying to get my insurance approved at Loma Linda, so fingers crossed that I hear good news. I'd love to finally love myself, and look beautiful.
Los Angeles Plastic Surgeon

I regret deeply that I ever thought of getting this surgery. The results have put me through an exceeding amount of emotional, mental, and physical pain that I might never, or will take a long time to recover from. If I had the choice to chose another Doctor, I would have, someone who really cared about how I turned out. I realize now that doctors aren't like that.

1 out of 5 stars Overall rating
1 out of 5 stars Doctor's bedside manner
1 out of 5 stars Answered my questions
1 out of 5 stars After care follow-up
1 out of 5 stars Time spent with me
1 out of 5 stars Phone or email responsiveness
4 out of 5 stars Staff professionalism & courtesy
4 out of 5 stars Payment process
3 out of 5 stars Wait times
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