This is a long time coming for me but I'm very...
Pre-OP 4 more Days!
I had my Pre-Op Appointment on the 3rd of September and finalized all the details. talked about my expectations and listened to him talk about all the scary stuff. I've been stressing big time about doing everything right before my surgery. I'm a super worrier and think about all the very worst of the worst happening. lol My husband and friends have been amazing with me and talking me off the ledge. Many times.
This week though I figured I'd be a basket case but I'm surprisingly calm. Then again we aren't at the night before yet. lol Who knows how I will feel Thursday. The biggest thing I'm stressing about is the anesthesia, that is kind of freaking me out. Having a tube put down my throat to help me keep breathing doesn't set well with me. lol Oh well, I wont be awake for that part anyway so stressing about it wont help...but it's still at the back of my mind.
The details are 350cc Right, 375cc Left. To help even out some asymmetry I have due to the concave in my chest wall. Silicone Gel, High Profile, Under the muscle. I'm hoping to go to a full C, but I'm worried that I'm not going big enough. I feel very blessed and fortunate to get to be doing this. This time last year this wasn't even a possibility for me so I want make sure I don't end up disappointed in the end, my husband is so awesome to let me spend this much money to help make me feel more confident and look on the outside how I feel on the inside. Of course he doesn't think I need any of this, but he's so awesome and understanding that he knows how much I want to feel like a woman again. =)
So, so, so excited and ready! Come on Friday!
After a lot of thought I've decided to add a couple of before photos because I know I will want them later when I want to remember where I started.
Post Op Bras and Hoodies
I was fun spending that time to do that and kind of really drove home the fact that this IS happening, it hasn't really felt real yet. Like I'm just going through all the motions in a daze. But I've got my team of supporters doing the count down and keeping my spirits up and thoughts away from the negative. This has all felt like a blur and everything just started happening so fast once the ball FINALLY got rolling on this. I've wanted this for so long about 4 years only 2 that I've actually verbalized it and I know it's right for me but I never thought it would be a possibility for me. Just still cannot believe I'm getting to do this.
3 more days! =D
Surgery this morning!
Almost 24 hours Post-Op
Just wondering if anyone else who've been there post op too.
First Post Op photo
So far so good!
Who would have thought...
I got up and got a shower, that wasn't quite the ordeal it had been and I actually felt like I washed my hair. As opposed to just throwing shampoo on my head and rinsing it out and calling it done like I did during my prevous two showers. lol I still couldn't master real pants with a button so I grabbed my trusted yoga pants and called it good, put on a tank, a hoodie and was ready to go. Made the kids breakfast, both their lunches and then it was time to drive the first one to his school. The hubby stayed late to ride with me to make sure I could master this...all I can say of the next 25 minutes was nothing short of a comedy show. As long as I'm going forward or back wards everything is perfect but as soon as you have to actually put effort into turning the wheel...all bets were off, ladies. lol I made it up until the very end when I had to navigate back up the driveway and that was super fun with the next door neighbors watching. Hubby had to help me out of the car and put the car in the garage for me and that's where it will stay for a few more days...possibly even weeks. My doc said I could try driving after 3 days and well...tried and failed miserably. lol
Luckily my BFF came to the rescue last minute and drove my youngest and I to his school and all I had to master was getting myself in and out of her car. After that I pretty much quit the day and crashed until my BFF arrived back to take me to get him from school. My hubby took care of getting our oldest and doing our Running Club/Taekwondo rotations and now currently dinner.
Clearly I over did it today and I paid the price for it most of the day. So the rest of this week will be resting and not trying to be an over achiever. lol
Other than still a little sore, the girls are good and I'm still happy with them. I walk around topless when I can and flash myself in the mirror. It's fun and I'm glad I did this for myself. I cannot wait for when they D&F, I'm super curious as to what my final size is going to be.
7 Days Post-Op and feeling like they aren't going to be big enough in the end.
I said previously that my Doc couldn't fit in the size we decided on (375/350) so he went down to (350/280). Which was fine because I knew he was doing what was best for me.
Well now I'm starting to feel worried that I'm not going to end up the Full C that I wanted or even a C cup at all. Perhaps I'm just over analyzing this whole thing and I'm just upset so I'm distorting my view of them, but to me...they look like before photos not after photos. The right one, which was always my smaller size pre-op looks so small from the side and that's the one that got the bigger implant and the left doesn't really even look that big either. In shirts I can't even tell I've had a boob job, I don't fit into a 34C bra and 34B bra fits a little snug. I took my measurements and maybe I did it wrong but I'm measuring 27(under) barely a 33(across the nipples) 32(across the top). That's a B cup barely a C cup I'm feeling pretty upset because I feel like they are still swollen and high so what's going to happen with the are supposed to D&F. I'm really afraid they are going to be smaller and I didn't pay all this money to be a BCup. I was very clear what I my goal was and this wasn't it.
I go in for my first Post-Op Tuesday and I know I have to tell him that I'm not happy but I know that a revision isn't in my near future either. I'm feeling pretty disappointed right now.
Post Op Appointment and NO MORE feeling sad!
This was discussed during my consult and pre-op but I didn't believe that it would make a huge difference. I figured that the size we discussed was the size that was going in and that was that. Bot was I wrong. lol I'm very small in the chest and my chest wall has a very deep concave favoring to the right so it made my right side very difficult for him to work with. My right boob has always been what I call my wimpy problem boob and has always been a full cup size smaller but I never knew it was due to my chest wall issue and I didn't think it would be a huge factor in my surgery.
He did the very best he could to fit 350CC in there and had to fight for that. I was supposed to get (375R/350L) but ended up with (350R/280L).
I found out yesterday my surgery was 2 hours just because my right side gave him so much trouble, which I guess isn't average because I've seen a lot of people out and done in under and hour. My goal was to be a Full C, but he said that I'll end up a full B. I was SO upset about it because in my head I didn't pay all this money and go through with this elective surgery for a BCup, I wanted a FullC and I felt like I got giped.
I gave my self yesterday after my post-op to be sad and weepy after what my PS told me but that's done. It's ridiculous to be so upset over something that just simply can't be changed and my PS did the very best he could do for me. My husband gave me the opportunity of a life time (for me) to have this elective surgery that not everyone gets to go do so I could feel better about myself and it's so selfish and bratty for me to be acting so ungrateful.
DH and I had a long talk about it last night and what it came down to, is a revision is just not in my future and it's not because of money because DH said he would let me do it again.
It's because my PS cannot simply fit any more in and said even with time to stretch out he didn't think that he would still be able to fit any more in. My PS was very stern with me. He told me that he would not do a revision if he didn't think it was in my best interest and he didn't think it was. I guess I'm a rare breed of woman or something because even he said he's never had this much trouble getting a woman to her goal before, usually he tells his patients that they should go bigger if they can, not smaller. lol Even my BFF who used him, he told her she should go bigger because she could.
At this point my PS did everything he could do and he's happy with his work and I feel I should be too. My PS didn't fail me, my body did. I mean I should be used to that. It failed me in the boobie department my whole life. lol I came down to the point where it can't be changed so there is no use staying this upset over something that can't changed.
I finally have boobs to put into a bra any bra I want now and a vast improvement from where I was when I started so there simply is just no reason to be upset any more. I was seriously upset because I didn't want to wear padded bras. To be honest even a padded bra didn't fit me before. lol I was wearing training bras before I got the not so grand idea (now looking back) to stuff my bra to a D size and THAT is my biggest problem currently. For the last two years I've been a Dcup, thanks to silicone boobie inserts and that wasn't a good idea for me and THAT's the reason I'm sad. I was never going to be a Dcup, ever, and honestly on my frame its too much, but my brain is trained to see that. DH and my 2 BFF's told me over and over again that it was too much but I refused to listen. Once I get over that, I have a feeling things will be much better and it will be much easier to love the new girls.
I woke up this morning and decided today I'm going to start over, clean slate and change my attitude.
I'm going to choose to instead from this point forward accept what I was able to get because it really is better than what I started out with and I'm not flat chested any more which was the ultimate goal. To not be flat chested. I'm going to dress the new girls up with pretty bra's and shirts and watch them do what ever D&F'ing they might do over the next few months should the fairy visit me and start to enjoy them now. I'm ruining this whole experience for myself by being upset.
I already started the process of making myself feel better. I got rid of all my high neck shirts, that I used to wear to hide the fact that I was stuffing my bra and all of my DCup bras. So it's starting to feel a little better shedding all that. My closet and bra drawer is very empty right now but DH promised me this weekend he'd hand over his beloved CC to let me do some shopping to get stuff that fits me. lol I'm looking forward to that and spending some quality time with my best BFF's.
I'm putting this out there to hold myself accountable because dangit, there is no reason to be sad about pretty, nice perky boobies that are perfect for my body! lol
Small revision now needed.
From abt day one I've felt like this whole experience has been a bit anticlimactic. From my PS not being able to fit in the size I wanted, finding out that my chest wall has a major defect that I always knew I had but didn't think it would be a problem because I was told it wouldn't to now needing a minor revision. I'm just exhausted, just.simply.exhausted. Not enough to regret getting them but enough to sit down and go...what the hell.
I saw SO many good results and SO many happy girls I just didn't imagine I'd be in the minority of girls who aren't happy. It just never occurred to me so I never set myself up for the what if something goes wrong. I just assumed it would all go right and one and done. I doubt it would have helped preparing myself but who knows at this point.
Any way, I'm almost two months post-op, 1 month and 3 weeks to be exact. Man it honestly feels like a life time ago. One good thing I can say is that they feel part of me now and I didn't think that would happen. They don't feel like foreign objects any more and I don't remember myself with out them.
I started to notice though that my right breast was settling a little more center than I thought was normal but I thought that was normal and that the internal sutures hadn't maybe dissolved so it was forcing it too center. I've also lost all my upper fullness and when you look at me from the side it doesn't look board flat but you can definitely tell it's not as it should be, it looks like little triangle on my body and not natural looking at all. As it dropped more and more and I could see my scar moving from directly under my breast to more visible at the front when looking at me head on I realized that maybe something wasn't exactly right so I called me PS to see if it was something he'd want to look at and he did. Turns out that I need a pocket revision to put it back where it should be but I have to wait until closer to my first year to get it so there is more scare tissue for him to sew too.
I know on the list of complications this is by far a huge deal and it can be fixed, but I don't even know what something like that would cost. My friends who have used him...but of course got great results...are trying to convince me that if HE mentioned doing a revision that it would be on his dime. But I honestly am not going to sit here and for one second think that he will just fix it with out me having to pay something. Surely I'll have to pay for the anesthesia or hospital fee again. I can't...I just can't...ugh. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. I didn't want to have to worry about this, having to go in again. I just don't understand why this is happening and why my body just couldn't cooperate. In life I've had to fight for every.single.thing and struggle for every ounce of happiness and I just thought that since I was paying so much money and was assured that my chest wall would not be an issue that this time I would just get to be happy and enjoy this. This one thing I've desperately wanted for years and years has been tarnished with disappointment after disappointment.
I'm supposed to wear wired bras too to help keep the right side supported and I really can't because the way its settling it doesn't sit center in the cup but instead the inner bottom part sits directly on top of the wire of the cup so I can't make it a whole day before I'm out of it and in a sports bra. I also have to wear padding (even in a push up) to make my cleavage match other wise it's super noticeable. I just wanted to be able to put on a bra and go in the morning after so many years of stuffing and work to look and feel like a woman in clothes...I STILL have to work at it. *sigh*
I wanted pretty breasts with out having to fight for it, I just wanted something in my life to go right and be easy for once and I'm exhausted and done. You can see the vast difference in my breasts in this photo but you can't really see the lost upper fullness and I couldn't get a really good side photo. It's easier to see it in person. But here's a reference photo. It's from a week ago and there hasn't been really any change in the left but the right one is continuing to settle too center and my nipple is farther off center now than it was in this photo. The left one also looks pretty high, tight and off center still but he say's that normal provided that side of my chest wall normal. I've seen very little change in since since the start but I'll willing to give that one a little more time considering I'm still less than two months out. Really it's just the right one I'm upset over right now.
I go back to see him in March so hopefully there will be some major changes and my attitude will change or at the very least I'll get to revise and hopefully that will fix the issue.
Just a small note
3 Month Progress Photos
I can no longer wear any type of bra except a sports bra because my right breast is so far center that I can't push it over any more to get it to sit right in the cup. It stays put for a little while before it migrates center again and causes me pain and I have to take off my bra.
To say I'm not having the slightest bit of fun with this is an understatement. I'm spending more days more upset when it's time to get dressed because I can't wear any bras that are flattering. It sucks and it's depressing. I know I'm on the road to a pocket revision for my right breast but my doc wants to wait until my 6th month Post Op appointment in March to evaluate when that will be to give the left side a little more time to see if it's going to move because that side might need a pocket revision as well.
I'm just kind of over this whole process, this wasn't what I visioned at all and I am really afraid that when I get the pocket revision it wont work...really afraid...then what? I just feel so out of control of this whole situation.
Light at the end of the tunnel
My right side is not only too center but he's also concerned about bottoming out, and my left side is too far center as well though not as badly as the right but more than he'd like. I was so concerned about the right side that I never really even noticed the left. I have a zero finger gap in between them, when at the start I had at least one.
With all that said he says that this is because of my PE and how sunken my right side is. He wants to also wait a little bit longer to do the revision to let more scar tissue build up so he has something to sew to when he does to the pocket revision for the right. So I'm going back in April to re-asses and then he will left me pick a surgery day. He seems confident but I do admit I'm a little worried, I do not want to go back a 3rd time as I never even considered having to go back a second time.
I do feel a lot better though. Before it was all what if's now I feel like there is a plan in place and a clear goal to work towards which I can respond better to. It sucks that I have to wait a little longer for my revision but I'm glad that he didn't dismiss my concerns and make me feel like I was crazy. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel now and hopefully that's a much desirable end result. I am no longer sad about my size, I'm actually very happy with my size now, I just want them to look normal and be where they are supposed to be on my chest.
Just a few days shy of 6 months post op
Waiting until 1 year Post Op to revise.
He is will wanting to wait on my revision to make sure that everything is all settled. My left side has made some positive movement since my last round of photos and he feels like he wants to wait until my Year Post Op to set a revision date to make doubly sure it's progress doesn't do something surprising...you know like righty over here. lol His main reason to want to watch it is to make sure it doesn't bottom out. There are many good reasons he wants me to wait but mostly because I still haven't built up a whole lot of scar tissue in my right side so there isn't anything for him to work with to fix the pocket. Not building up scar tissue would be amazing for someone who didn't have a complication like I have. But I guess the silver lining here is that none is better than having CC so I'm counting my blessings. Though the other side of that coin is that because I'm not building up the scare tissue that he'd like me to he will instead have to place an expensive insert...(that I don't remember the name of)...to hold my implant in place. Due to the slop of the right side of my chest he said it's acting sort of like a slide and my implant is sliding down out of place. He'd also like me to build up my pec muscles so there is more muscle to help hold the implant in place better after the revision. That's really all to report.
I'm very happy with the out come of this appointment and not disappointed at all that he wants to wait. I understand all his reasoning for it and it makes me feel good that he's got my best interest at heart. He seems very confident that by being patient, waiting and making sure that everything is settled before he goes back in there will be a greater success in the end. He truly doesn't want me to come back a third time and wants to get it right the second time.
My next appointment is September 16. It seems so long away but we've got a fun summer planned so I'm sure the time will pass quickly...(or I hope) I was able to find a great swim suit that works with my problem and pretty much makes my right boob look normal so unless you know, you simply wont know there is a problem. So that helps a lot and will get me through the summer. In regular bras I've found two that I just bought 5 of that are really comfy and make me feel good so that helps a ton too because my biggest problem was finding a bra that fit comfortably.
Over all at this point I've waited so long, whats a few more months right? I've started referring to my current boobs as my starter boobs now and I'm just waiting for my final pair. lol I will certainly look back on this when all of this is said and done and be glad for the frustrating journey. Man this year has been a doozy. I've learned a lot about my self over this struggle and I've realized I'm a much stronger person than I first realized. I thought that I would get boobs and feel better about myself and life would be all puppy dogs and rainbows. What I got instead was an eye opening realization that my boobs don't define me and I'm going to be okay. I'm looking at this complication now as a time to reflect and even though it's been frustrating beyond words I think it's helped me too. But now I'm just rambling non-sense. Which is why it took me so long to update. It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling.
He is super easy to work with and an amazing PS. He took care to make sure I didn't get a size that my body couldn't support. He actually didn't give me size the we originally agreed on because the implant didn't fit, so I'm happy he made the best choice for my body instead of giving my what I wanted. I'm very happy so far with the results and look forward to how they look when they are completely healed.