Ashamed - Naples, FL

Hi! I'm a 24 (not really, but I won't put my real...

Hi! I'm a 24 (not really, but I won't put my real age in writing) year old mom of two - 22 months and 8 months. I have always had very small breasts and a larger body. I wear a size 10, which is now tighter around the middle after the babies! :) there may be a tummy tuck sometime in my future but not yet...

After my older one was born, I tried to breastfeed and was unable to. He was unable to regain his birth weight and I had to start supplementing. I knew something was wrong from the beginning because all during my pregnancy my breast never got ANY bigger at all and when my milk came in, they were full but still small. After the first couple hours of engorgement they deflated, never to fill again. I tried so hard, I slept with him on me, I help him all day, there was never a time when milk was unavailable to him. I pumped, I called every lactation person, every doctor, midwife, everyone! I did everything I could but it jus never happened. I finally had to switch completely to formula because the milk (even though I pumped and pumped and nursed and nursed) dwindled away. I felt so terrible.

I got pregnant with my daughter when my son was 5 months old. I prepared myself to not be able to breastfeed her but I still tried. She was an EAGER sucker and everyone assured me that she was so aggressive there was no way that the milk wouldn't work this time. But, it happened again. I even took a prescription to try to increase but it didn't work. I. Fact, she lost weight when I started taking that. I was even more ashamed that time.

Now I find myself unable to look at myself in the mirror much less enjoy time with my husband. I had considered breast implants several years ago but did not want to have the possibility of breastfeeding interference.

:(

It was one thing to have small breasts and feel like I have a ridiculously shaped body but another when the function they are to perform fails miserably. I have gotten over my ashamedness enough to realize I can embrace breast implants - I believe they will balance out my body and help me feel like a woman again.

I have my husband's full support and am nervous but excited to take this step. In have a consultation scheduled in two weeks! I can't wait!!

Blah! My husband and I are in San Francisco this...

Blah! My husband and I are in San Francisco this week. We arrived yesterday and had a long plane trip here. This morning we went to church, met some great people and had a long touristy day. I'm jet-lagged and sleepy! But I thought I would post some things anyway.

I decided to buy a VS miraculous bra so I could see what it would be like to have something of a chest. Not that a bra helps that much but an idea at least. I have been wearing it for a couple weeks everywhere I go which I feel does balance out my body as much as it can (it helps with giving me some size around the bottom but absolutely no cleavage, so at times you can totally tell I'm wearing a bra because there's nothing in there - sigh). I have noticed that postal workers, cashiers, taxi drivers, etc etc are all nicer to me now. You could argue that these workers are supposed to be nice anyway - yes they are, but are they really overly nice usually? That's what I thought...

And then I started thinking that maybe I don't need this surgery after all. Could I live my life in a VS bra and save myself the 5k? Hmmmm...maybe.

My husband doesn't have a problem with my breasts as they are. So no pressure there. And I know that at some point I do want a tummy tuck - so when I get the BA will I be super depressed about my stomach then? Then will my thighs need a lift? Then will I need laser off all my annoying body hair? Where will it end?

Am I opening a can of worms here - trying to fulfill a desire that treats a symptom but not a problem?

Am I just insecure in my new role as a mom? Am I looking for a different sort of validation as I secretly mourn the loss of my youth (because admitting it would somehow translate as not loving my children somehow)?

Will a Breast Augmentation help me how I think it will or will it create an even bigger problem?

My husband will be working all day tomorrow and I will have quiet time (the kids stayed at home with the grandparents) to think, pray and just be in silence. Perhaps my judgment has been convoluted by my hectic mom days. When all thoughts happen in between verses of The Fresh Beat Band or prepping for dinner or making sure the boy child doesn't lick a light socket (wish I was kidding) then are they really well thought out? Or does that make them impulsive? A Romeo-like impetuousness acting on a lusty impulse that turned out...well we know how that turned out.

Thoughts?

And one more thing....my mother in law, who...

And one more thing....my mother in law, who watches my kids while I go to the gym three times a week (I try to fit in two more I'm Saturday and a night or early morning) is having surgery on her shoulder on Nov. 19. I will be starting back to work one day a week in January SO with those two considerations it seems like the perfect time for me to get my BA because I can't go to the gym anyway with no babysitter and I should try to be mostly healed before I begin working again.

All this together makes me feel that if it doesn't happen now it will never happen and when I go to my consultation I should be ready to schedule in 2-3 weeks.

I just don't want to be making a very expensive mistake is all. :(

So after much consideration I am leaning more...

So after much consideration I am leaning more toward NOT having a BA. I am going to keep my consultation set up (for now) but am not sure I am willing to have the procedure performed. Now that I've been on vacation sans children, I think maybe I've been in a mom rut. You ladies know what I mean - I barely get my eyes open and teeth brushed before I have to start getting them, breakfast, etc etc. I never wear clothes (sweats and tee shirts aren't clothes to me) and I never wear a bra. I don't have to, so I don't. And if we go walking outside to to play I wear athletic clothes and tank tops with a sports bra. So basically I'm day in day out flat-chested unless we go someplace that requires clothing (ha) and then I'll put on my padded bra. I do like how it balances out my curves and when I have on my sports bra I don't like that I'm an extreme pear shape. BUT:

- should I just try to lose more weight?
- should I wait a year to see how I feel instead of being dictated by my mother in law's surgery?

And now:

- should I consider a neck lift instead (see photo)

This picture was taken two days ago. It was candid but not the worst one ever taken. In fact I'd say this is typical of me and the pictures where my gullet doesn't appear is when I'm lifting my chin up. How awful. And my mom has it too - BAD.

So now I feel that I should consider a neck lift rather than a BA because it is exposed all the time. And who wants to look at that???? I don't. You don't. And that covers everyone ;)

Thoughts?

Wow. What a response to my comments. You guys are...

Wow. What a response to my comments. You guys are on the ball! I knew I joined this place for a reason.

I think I need to make myself clearer on some points though:

- I am 100% sure I desire a breast augmentation
- I am not 100% sure I want to part with $5000 to get it
Therefore:
I am not on the fence, nor have I changed my mind in my desire or willingness, I am better described as trying to talk myself out of it to be frugal.
So:
Talking about my neck is another issue I was already thinking about, but adding it to a BA would make it twice as expensive, and since I don't want to pay $5k I definitely don't want to pay $10k!! So I was considering the "which is worse scenario" - and it seems my neck trumps the BA.
BUT:
That doesn't mean I won't end up doing both or nothing at all.

To me it's like trying to decide between a (very expensive) Kit Kat or a Heath bar. I don't technically NEED either one but I want one...actually I want them both. Or I could resist temptation and go on with my life. Because I don't REALLY NEED it - I just really WAaNT it. And is that enough?

Doesn't the fact that my mental stability is not hinged on whether or not I have surgery a GOOD thing? Because it's not. Because me having a BA will never change the fact I couldn't nurse my children and that's the deep issue. It would be a way to perk my spirits but it will never remedy the issue. There happens to be no remedy other than time to accept.

So my mind hasn't really changed here. It's just that as I continue to move towards zero, I actively am trying to make sure financially I want to do this. Because I hate to spend money carelessly - so is this choice careless for ME?

Can I live, deal, move on without this? I want to be able to.

I returned back to Florida from California...

I returned back to Florida from California yesterday and picked my babies up this morning. I was so happy to see them!!! :) I had never been away from either of them for longer than a few hours since they were born so it was hard for me to be away but it was a great break!

While I was on vacation, I had all the time I wanted to get ready - and as I was walking into Trader Joe's this morning with my hair in a disheveled ponytail, no makeup, flip flops and a college tee shirt WITHOUT my padded bra, I noticed I was already back in the mom rut. For sure I know that a BA does not fix the mom rut. BUT I also noticed how different I felt without my padded bra on. Obviously I'm considerably smaller, embarrassingly so, but now I feel the padded bra I have makes me too big!

I am not a small girl, more an athletic build (I do work out - a lot!) and I have accepted my build and structure. I will never be in a size 4 - I might make it to 6 but that's almost unattainable for me. Believe me, I know this for a fact. I have had in my mind this whole time that I'd want to get some Christina Hendricks-esque breasts because that's my build. And if I'm paying for it then I want my money's worth. Ok so probably not as big as hers but that's not the point.

The point is I think my padded bra is too big and nothing is too small. I want to keep the athletic look but have a little something. Now that I've come to this conclusion I'm not as apprehensive about the BA. That doesn't mean I take the surgery, the money, my health or anything else out of the picture. Those are all real concerns. But I am not concerned any more about the size and what to get.

I want to get saline because I do not want to be committed to the MRIs (read: health and safety). I am not the kind of person to NOT do the recommended precautions. So, I'd like saline. Hopefully the doctor will think I have enough existing breast tissue that I can get saline with no problems.

My consultation is Tuesday, Oct 30 at 4:15!!! I can't wait!

I KEEP CHANGING MY MIND. When I wrote my last post...

I KEEP CHANGING MY MIND. When I wrote my last post (15 hours ago), I was conetslg sure that I was ready for the surgery. Ok, we'll I guess what I said was true - I am ok with the size I decided on.

I woke up this morning thinking that all I really want is to be proportionate, which my breasts will always be tiny, BUT I do need to hit the gym hard, which I can't right now.

I do go to the gym but only 2-3 times a week (up until I gave birth to my first child I was at the gym 5-6 days a week for a couple hours at a time). So I know how pitiful 2-3 days a week is when your goal is to seriously burn fat and build muscle. I don't need any encouragement, advice or training tips. I used to be really hot and athletic - I need time to get there again.

My problem is that I'm tired of living in this post-baby body! It's driving me insane! I want to be at the gym all the time - that is how goals are accomplished. But I can't. My husband won't allow me to put our babies in the kid care (maybe in a few months when the baby baby is older) and I don't have a car. So I'm at the mercy of my MIL, who comes over to watch the babies and then I take her car to the gym and back. Long story short, we had a beater car that my husband used for his commute but someone needed it so we gave it away. So I'm stranded with no car for the moment.

So perhaps really I'm just too frustrated about not being able to get my body back via the gym (though I know it won't look the same) and I want breast implants as a band-aid until that happens? So I just don't look ridiculously proportioned anymore? Because it really is. Seriously, my body is stupid looking.

It will take time from when I get to go back to the gym (which I have no idea when!) but since just getting back to the gym seems like an unattainable goal now, I'm just overly frustrated.

Fit or not, my body could benefit from better proportion, maybe now is just not the right time.

The way I keep going back and forth I wonder how ANYONE could have EVER had this surgery! Then again, it takes me a long time to shop. I'm one of those people that picks out some clothes, puts them back and comes back three hours later if I still want them. And usually, I don't come back. So you can imagine how hard this is for me.

My consultation fee is $100 - I don't want to pay it if I'm not sure, which means inbred to make a decision tomorrow!!

Wait...did I already make one?

PS - the neck thing is bothersome but probably not something I'd do just by itself. Candid pictures like that bother me but no one is perfect. I just happen to have many more genetically bad features than most people so it gets annoying :)
Was this review helpful? 2 others found this helpful

Comments (40)

Sort by

Here I go, butting in again. Maybe you could take that money and invest it into a good, compact home gym of some sort? And an awesome play area for the babies. - I had 'baby body' for years that's what moms have. And then there is menopause to consider down the road. Boy howdy girl, THAT will do another number on your body. :( Still, whatever you do, you're an awful smart young woman, and at least won't be making an impulsive decision. Best of luck to you CCMomma. xo
  • Reply
Thank you for your post. I read your story and am sorry that you went through what you did - emotionally and physically. I'm glad that you finally were able to fix it! I would invest in a home gym but we live in an apartment. It has a gym but that would mean I have to get up at 5 (tried it, doesn't work) and be able to be back and gone before the kids get up at 7. I love my husband but he does not do mornings! He is absolutely no help to me in the morning. That's just how it is. There is a possibility of going some evenings when he can watch the babies but we are pretty busy. We have church and church activities 3-4 nights out of the week so that's really not an option either. I am hoping to get a car in January - then the little baby will be 11 months and hopefully ok to put in the kid care. Then I think I'll be able to get a better routine to move forward. Again, thank you :)
  • Reply
Although I'm from the Explant forum, I've been following your posts with a blob in my gut. Your thinking is so smart. I hope you keep examining all the pros and cons. In particular the Possible long term health cons. Some of us lost many many good, young years to progressively worse 'phantom' illnesses within a year or two of implants. If you've got your health, and the love of your family... well you're already blessed in so many more ways than any silicon or saline could ever bless you with. You're in my thoughts every day. I wish you the very best whatever you decide. xo
  • Reply
Hi Momma...Your hesitancy is understandable..I went through the same thing. I decided to go through with it and REGRET it!! If you're worried about spending $10,000 then I would advise against it. BA is not a one time procedure. you will need additional surgeries in the future, esp with silicone, as well as recommended MRIs every couple of years to make sure they are not leaking. My friend has spent almost $30,000 in 9 years on multiple revisions and silicone leaks. I have had mine for 5 years, and although I love the way they look, I just discovered they are leaking out of my breast cavity (I have cohesive gel which is not supposed to migrate if ruptured, but it did!). After learning of all the serious risks since the leak (in addition to what my PS told me - they only give you a ltd amount of info) I've decided to not re-implant and live with breasts that will look worse than what I started with. In retrospect, I wish I had trusted my gut and not done it. You have 2 babies that need you, it's not worth it
  • Reply
Hi CCmomma, You have a very real and refreshing approach to considering going under the knife. I can understand that you might have mixed feelings about whether that is an appropriate use for your money. Your family wants to you be the happiest most confident version of yourself. If neither of your aesthesic issues hinder that, I'd say save your money and pass on both! I went through with mine just because I'm single, no kids, financially stable and frankly was bored having zero chest for 30 years. I wanted to shake things up and put a pep in my step! Guess what? It worked! Top 5 best decisions I've ever made. I love my new additions! :-) Good luck momma!!
  • Reply
thank you I wish I lived in Florida.
  • Reply
Saline
  • Reply
5,000 in New Jersey including hosptial and anesthia?
  • Reply
I'm not in NJ, I'm in Naples, FL. That does include everything though. Come on vacation and get your surgery here! :)
  • Reply
Think of it this way, which part is your biggest confidence killer? I don't know if this option is viable for you, but I was researching some options too (I have a shape very similar to yours and actively researching BA options) and found surgicalservicesinternational.com/plastic_surgery.htm A friend of mine got her augmentation done there, although the cost certainly looks better, and you may be able to get both the chin and breasts done for less, there are also other things to take into consideration before choosing that option. While this is completely off the topic, as you would have noticed everyone was a little friendlier when you wore your VS Miraculous bra, if you do opt for the BA you (and your husband..) have to be prepared that you'll also get more attention. Hope some of this has been helpful :)
  • Reply
Hi everyone I need your opinions is $7,200 a good price for Breast Agu? in New Jersey if anyone knows of a good doctor in Northern NJ please let me know, thanks all.
  • Reply
Is that for silicone?
  • Reply
5,000 for the neck? are you kidding me? you need to go on some more consults...that doesn't sound right to me...
  • Reply
I don't go to th consultation until next Tuesday. The 5,000 is the price they gave me for breast implants.
  • Reply
Tha'ts a good price for silicone BA, that's about what they are charging here in Phoenix. Get a price for your neck with several Drs.--are you thinking lipo? You could do the neck first, then hit the BA later, or vice versa...
  • Reply
Hi CC, I'm with you too. I've had all the same questions and have tried to justify both having a BA and NOT having a BA. It really is a ton of money and hard to spend it. Also, I had a "nose job" about 4 years ago so I understand the struggle between the two surgeries. I think you could start with your neck and then the BA sometime in the future (if you still want to). I think you are asking the right questions.
  • Reply
PS sorry for spelling/grammar mistakes. I'm the worst iPhone typer ever!
  • Reply
Hi, I'm with you. Too many EVENTS were dictating me having surgery. Time off, money, etc things were falling into place....everything but my feelings anyway. I'm in my 30s and even now it's hard to delay something I "think" I really want. But I know this is a life changer so I'm gonna wait another year to make sure. If I haven't spent the money or changed my mind by then I will do it. It's just that of course I want them if I could guarantee them to be perfect. But do I want them so bad I'm willing to risk complications...not right now. I like me I just want to enhance. Take your time. Plus I don't think you can pick your kids up for at least 3-4weeks. You may want to ask the PS that at your consult.
  • Reply
Hi Moneypenny, your thought is exactly what I think. I am battling between doing it or not doing it. I am just too comfortable with current complication free life, and I also in my 30's. After all these years of being A, I kinda getting use to it. I am not sure if I would be ok to exchange this fear free lifestyle for bigger boobs along with future complications and cuts.
  • Reply
If you are not sure about something, definetly don't do it. You need to be 100% percent certain you want that specific surgery. Doing something because you might think you'll like just won't turn ou right and you would probably regret it in the end. So make sure you really want i done. Good luck on your decision!
  • Reply
Boy, you really changed your mind fast! If you're that on the fence, I would recommend doing nothing at all for now. Although you may have the opportunity for surgery/recovery coming up, there will be other chances once you've had time to settle into your role as a mom, a wife, and a woman. You might also consider talking to a counselor as it's a whole lot cheaper, easier, and in some cases more rewarding than surgery. Best of luck with whatever you decide.
  • Reply
I do not want to be mean, BUT...I would definitely go with the chin or neck lipo instead of a BA. Boobs are boobs, only one who sees them are your husband and he seems fine with it, but everyone sees your face! peace.
  • Reply
You're not being mean I totally understand! Which is why I posted! :) I hate fat and gravity! The thing is I'm really not overly obese and my chin totally makes me appear (from a head shot) that I am. Blah!
  • Reply
genetics likely, lol I ve seen that kind of chin on even skinny woman...:P
  • Reply
Hi CC. I also am the mother to 2 small kiddos, 1 and 4yrs. I had my BA about 6wks ago. It was really hard for me to rationalize the cost and risk to myself. I finally decided to do it after going back and forth. I am so glad I did it. It really was a change to do something for myself. And I think it has really helped my marriage. Not b/c I have bigger boobs, but because I'm more comfortable with my body and I don't feel like just a mom. Does that make sense? Good luck!
  • Reply