32 in Los Angeles with Everything Ahead of Me! - Los Angeles, CA

My weight has defined me my entire life. I remember feeling "fat" in about 3rd grade and at the time it was probably 8lbs above the average girl. And it went up and up and although I always felt regular in size and pretty as a person...I didn't get to be the pretty girl in high school or find a boyfriend until after college. I cringed at pool parties and beaches and hot days. This is no way to live. Emotional psychodrama aside, I haven't been able to enjoy the water-- I don't sail or jet ski or swim or surf. In fact, I have always wanted to be involved in volleyball and horseback riding and tennis and yoga and ballet and all sorts of things that I've held back from almost my entire life because I'm not the right size. I'm just uncomfortable in my body. I do well at a nice dinner or a loud party, but turn it into a barbeque and I'm completely on edge because inevitably there will be girls in bikinis reminding me I am indeed NOT A BIKINI GIRL.

It's actually really sad when I think about how much I've missed out on and how in my head I've been because of my weight. And for whatever reason, deciding to do this surgery was a commitment and a decision to take back control and set myself up for success and take care of myself. I had a gastric sleeve to be nice to me. I want to be healthy and active and free to do things.

At 23, I lost 70 lbs on weight watchers. It took about 1.5 years. I had a tummy tuck at 24 and vowed never to be fat again. Breakup +10, New Stoner Boyfriend +10, Leaving NYC for sedentary LA +15, Breakup+15, +Marijuana Legal...)...needless to say it happened over 8 years...my weight crept up and up until I don't recognize myself. I do in the sense that I see someone struggling, but now I see a girl who just doesn't care about herself and that's BLEAK. So when I saw 240, I hit the panic button. In the past 3 years I've tried exercising like crazy...spin classes, cross fit, a trainer, the odd 5K race...at any weight I am strong and determined once I'm in motion (before that I'm so lazy)...but I couldn't get lower than 215 despite all my efforts.

I did the liquid pre-op diet one week before (worked myself up to it) and only lost 2 lbs. Not sure why but I think all the broth was having me retain water?!
I was 237 on day of surgery. (More on that later.)
Today I am 228 just 1 week post-op.
I feel good. I'm sipping. I'm being nicer to myself and I can tell good things are coming to me.
I recommend it already.

Well I weighed in at 222 this morning. -15lbs since my surgery 12 days ago. Obviously it won't keep coming off that fast, but I'm impressed. It was kind of awesome to go back to work today (my first day back since surgery) and weigh 15 less pounds. I told them a tale about my hernia and they understand my dietary restrictions for now. Hopefully when I can actually never go back to eating like a normal human they won't notice. It just seems like something personal (ha ha ha i KNOW i'm telling the internet) but i have told only my immediate family and about 4 close friends. I don't have a great network or a support group i've found out here, but I did get the phone number of a girl in the hospital...and a friend of my sister's....and a friend of my mom's...all of whom I've corresponded with a little bit, which is nice.

The shoulder pain/neck pain thing really blows. Other than that I've had almost no nausea and no heartburn or anything. I'm kind of over not eating, but whatever. Only 2 1/2 weeks to go if I play by the book. And I'm going to try to. Not in any pain in my stomach really, just the shoulder off and on.

I don't see Dr.S for another month now. Stitches looked good he said...He's super sweet, brushed off my shoulder pain with a chuckle, told me I was free to go to spin class, and is kind of cute actually but he only spent about 5 minutes with me. That's typical American healthcare system for you there. The average time spent with a doctor (according to the NY Times is 8 minutes). Isn't that horrifying? Anyhow, he encouraged me to start working out, just no lifting over 15 lbs. And he said, "if anything hurts, stop doing it" which reminded me of AA, but okay, yeah buddy. I'M ON IT. I plan to go to spin class this week with a friend and just stay in the saddle (no moving around on the bike) and work my way back to being at the top of the class. Which I was at 237 lbs so certainly at 222 I should be able to step it up a notch once I'm really better! Feeling good about that.

I have my eye on 215 next (mini goals.) because that's the lowest my weight has been in the last 3 year span and it was brief... in December of 1.5 years ago, when I was going to spin and crossfit and then it was the holidays and I went home (!!!!!!food!!!!!!!) and then I went to Paris and next thing you know I was back at 221 and never to get down that way again. Until now. I am already glimpsing how it's going to feel to run into people once I can drop my first 50 lbs. That will be awesome. One time last year I literally hid behind a dumpster in Hollywood when my ex boyfriend walked by. I wish I was kidding. I heard his voice before I saw him (he's so loud, you have no idea) and I froze, crouched and waited. and it smelled! now, of course had I been 50 pounds lighter I may have jumped out from behind that dumpster *also scary if you're the ex boyfriend in this scenario but kinda exciting if you're me* and said "Hey, you, guy who dumped me after 3 years and then didn't even want to be friends because of your new girlfriend!"

That would have been nice. And it will be. I have faith in this tiny stomach. I am literally going to be able to fit in a trampy Halloween costume. And isn't that a nice goal? I can plan on completely objectifying myself in 5 months! I know I should post some pictures...I will soon.