5 Years of Feeling Self Conscious and Fake - Liverpool, GB

5 years ago I made the stupidest decision of my...

5 years ago I made the stupidest decision of my life:to get breast implants

I was 34a and felt totally inadequate and when I was 30 and majorly depressed I went to Transform and got completely brainwashed. I was a 34a and I had 380cc implants put in.

Ive never liked them and I don't know why its took me 5 years to actually get them out

I suppose ive been scared of what I will look like. But after years of discomfort of these to firm rocks attached to me, making me feel like an idiot every day, I spoke to an NHS doctor (instead of a money-interested private plastic surgeon) and she said because of the pain I get all the time she will happily remove them

ive looked on the internet lately about the slow poisoning that silicone does to your body over time and seeing as though I am ridiculously passionate about health ,it doesn't make sense for me to have these toxic lumps in my precious body any longer and if I look horrible at least I wont be getting poisoned anymore. Plus I will feel my true self again, which I have missed.

Anyway, I am due to see the surgeon in 2 weeks and we will then make a date for the op.

I cant wait to get them out but I am really anxious about what mess will be left afterwards

I hope I can cope.

will post again after my appointment and I will also get my pics on here


please get intouch if you have any words of wisdom for me!

Pics so far....before and after implants

Pics so far....before and after implants (2008)

Cold Boobies

did /does anyone else with implants find their boobs are now freezing cold all the time? and have any of you noticed when the implants are removed that they turn back to normal or are they still cold?

Also i wondered if anyone noticed any facial discolouration or changes in skin tone after implants? x

cold boobies

i meant changes in skin tone while implants were in - not after they were removed x

Dreampt I had my implants removed!

Last night i dreamt I had my implants removed! It was brilliant. It felt so good not to have the tightness and pressure there anymore. I've never dreamt that before, it's coz it's on my mind, but I was happy in the dream that it was all over. I'm sure ill feel like that wen it happens in real life x x

Today's consultation

Well I had my follow up consultation with the lovely doctor/surgeon today. I was only in there 5 mins, ...she just asked me how everything was and how I was feeling about the implants - I said I felt the same as i did 6 weeks ago when I first saw her , and that is that I want them out.

She reiterated that they wont look very good afterwards and will have excess skin etc and may even have a 'double bubble' whatever that is? something to do with the new scar not healing right......well I said I am prepared for it all looking funny but health comes first so she said she will put me on the waiting list and should be done in a few months.

I'm going to wait till at September or October anyway as I have some caravan trips away and stuff so once all that's out the way I can give all my energy to this operation and recovery.

I feel ok about it all but I know I will get more nervous as I get nearer to the day. I even had a moment of second thoughts after the consultation. . . Its another big deal to cope with isn't it and am I really ready to have my body changed again so drastically?. A lot of mental preparation is needed!!!

Im not going to change my mind though....I want them out , im sick of feeling fake and I feel sorry for my body having to put up with 2 foreign objects in it.... To be honest Im more bothered about what my partner will think of them after its done as even though he is amazingly supportive I cant help but think he will think I look weird and maybe feel uncomfortable around me- he never saw me pre - implant so he's only ever known me with these big fake ones. I know for a fact he will be a bit gutted deep down as he always said he loves them now just as they are. He said he is 100% behind me on my decision and I know he means that, but still , if I was single I wouldn't feel that pressure that I do now about this other person. Oh well, I will just have to get on with it wont I.

I know I will look weird and I will be so sad that all this was done for nothing, but I will just have to remember that what's done is done and the best thing I can do for my body and my soul is getting em out!!! x

Thoughts...

I've been thinking about my situation in a more stronger and positive light lately

Before i found this website, (which gave me a new confidence and strength),
i would have been criticising myself saying i was so stupid (ok I still think that a little bit!!!) and what an idiot i was to ruin my body, i should have loved myself the way i was, and how could i be so stupid to get brainwashed into implants, and now i have to go through another operation which will mess my body up again and i will be left
with silly looking boobs etc etc etc (you get the idea!!) its all that was going round my head on a daily basis to the point of tears sometimes.

....well, now i’ve been thinking instead of being so wrapped up with the negative side of things, lets step back and consider the positives.

What an amazing journey my mind , my spirit and emotions have been on from pre implant to post implant to pre explant!! I should congratulate myself for getting through it all!!! not condemning myself!!!! Wow, I have been through so much that I think I actually deserve a medal (as all of u do) and not a scorning!!

I've grown a phenomenal amount throughout this whole situation... I think i'm now in a more positive state than ive ever been in before, I really feel love on a spiritual level and feel I ve become so wise in all different ways from whats gone on in the last 6 - 7 years.

My negative state in the beginning caused a vicious loathing of myself which in turn brought on an eating disorder which totally messed my head up and caused major depression within me and then I chose to have implants which caused more turmoil– this in turn made me search for help which brought me to all kinds of lovely things including meditation and a naturopathic/nutrition course – the course was a very holistic and taught me how to bring about balance within me.

I also met my partner in my time of turmoil who helped me no end.

I can just see the whole journey that i've been on and I see that its something to be proud of! and be proud of who I am becoming and proud of how I treat my body now and how I try to help others all the time.

I have a lot to be angry at but whats the point? I have so much to be positive about and when I think of it all like this - the physical look of my body after explant doesn't seem so major or worrying anymore. Theres a massive amount more to me now than my boobs.

this is all thanks to all of you who have shared their thoughts and stories as I feel such a connection with you all and i see you all as amazing souls which makes me realise that I am one too.

and that to me is the only thing that matters :-) x x

Friend knocks me off track a little

Have spoken to one friend today and emailed another telling them im getting my implants out. The one I typed to (a girl) was so supportive, I was really happy to receive such an amazing response off her. Ive not really told many people I have them , only my friends before I got them know. I didn't tell anyone else. It was a relief to tell her and read her words of support.

However , my other friend I told today ( a man) was shocked I was getting them out and was saying 'aren't you gunna look bad though afterwards?' and was making jokes about it - which I did find funny, I think its important to make light of it all... but I have been thinking all night about what he was saying. What if im not ready for this move? What if I do look too freaky to myself and I end up regretting it. Arrrrgh....just when I thought my head was totally straight he goes and says all that... he said 'will the look like two socks blowing in the wind!!!' I now have these images...... im sure most of you may have had doubts prior to explant.... if you have I would really appreciate some words of advice!!

Ive got a date!

Hi everyone I haven't been on here for a while, ive just been getting on with things until I got the letter through from the hospital....it never came so I called them last week to find out when they think it will be happening as I have waited 4 months since seeing the doctor. She got back to me and its all arranged for January

wow. its really here now, just around the corner. I am now actually a bit nervous. The old feelings about what if I cant cope with how i will end up looking are all flooding back. I am losing weight at the moment to give me half a chance of at least feeling in proportion when I have them out but still can I cope with what the boobs themselves will look like. I just remember the doctor saying because of where my scar is I may end up with the double bubble and I think I will be gutted if that happens. At the same time I do not like these fake things ive got on my chest.

I made the mistake of telling a girl in work who ive known for 2 years but who doesn't knoew I have implants. When I told her I did and im getting them out she was saying You wont be able to cope, don't do it, they look great, you wont feel like a woman anymore, just get smaller ones etc - this completely threw me and has definitely knocked me off my otherwise positive track. I told her I don't fell like a woman now but a fake!!!

Luckily I spoke to my best mate after that and he told me to take no notice of her and I am doing this for the good of my soul and my health - this rings true to me.

I suppose I could ask you guys who have had their explants for two things.....one is can you give me any advice on how to prepare - mentally and physically - over these next 3 months on the run up to the op? ans second is just any words of wisdom about these negative thoughts im having?

thanks guys , I appreciate any suggestions / advice

what do I do!!!!!????

I have an appointment to see the surgeon in july (I didnt cancel my last one I just postponed a couple of times). Im so torn with what to do for the best. My right implant aches regularly and I want them out. On the other hand can I cope. Its such a ridiculously difficult decision to make

work friends

One other worry is that ive never told anyone in work that I hsce implants....its going to be clearly obvious to every one when ive had them out. I feel a bit embarrassed to tell anyone but I will have to coz I cant exactly do it on the quiet. I hate the thought of everyone gossiping about it
I wonder if anyone else has had tjis experience and how they went about it. I wish I didnt care what people thought but I do.
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Hey, I like your very first post 16/5/13 - you were really looking inside yourself and sure about how you feel. Coming from me who has not a shadow of a doubt that these implants were the biggest mistake of my life, your posts really hit home with me and I understand where your coming from with being health concious and living a clean holistic life. Be true to yourself , you is all that matters....People do stick by you when you show your very own strengths....Its a fact. People are fickle and no one can ever tell you how to feel, because they are not the ones experiencing anything! Please definitely do not live for others but live for you... and the ones to love are the ones who love you for you....x
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Hi, I just read your story quickly and I have to comment on your last post. You don't have to tell people at work, it's none of their business. You can tell them you lost weight, or had a reduction, or wear padded bras till you are comfortable, or... say nothing. It's not their place to comment on your decisions with your body. I told a few friends and they thought I was crazy. I even thought about having a going away party for my boobs, just for them (LOL). I am 3 weeks away from my surgery and I can't wait. It's nobody's business but mine (and my supportive friends on realself.com). So don't be so hard in yourself, in the end you will feel good about your choice and that's all that matters.
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Thanks dreamgirl. I just know it will be SO obvious to everyone and I dont like the thought of them all gossiping about it behind my back which is why I thought I shud tell them before hand. I know what u mean though it isnt any of their business. I just need to do whatever will make me handle it all the best. I would wear padded bras definitely but I didnt think u cud wear a bra for ages after explant until theyve healed?
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Hi thankyou for sharing your story, I am sorry that you have given yourself such a hard time, I hope you have eased up on yourself now! I am sorry if these answers have come late, but I have not been on this site long myself...however my implants felt cold initially, however I have not noticed them feel cold since initial implantation. I have not noticed too much difference in facial skin tone, well I don't think so anyway. Have you got a date for surgery yet and will that be on the NHS? I was small like you before I had my implants and even smaller on one side, so I am worried about asymmetry and that the scar will be noticeable if there is not enough flesh to create a drop beneath the crease! I had 230 cc implants, yours were bigger than mine, yet I think mine look bigger in my pictures, maybe its just camera angle. I actually was happy with my implants until recently when they have become misshapen by cc, now I think they look awful so round and they see to look bigger, but I think I just need to remove them now. I think that the mental readjustment is probably the hardest thing. I was so unhappy with small boobs and I don't know about elsewhere in the world but there is such an emphasis on boobs in the UK what with all the lads mags and page 3 etc and all the glamour girls in the media etc it sort of compounded the feelings of feeling inadequate and less feminine being small chested. I felt that I was sexually unattractive to the opposite sex because of my lack of chest. With implants I felt more womanly and confident and now I will be going back to that again and possibly look worse. However since cc my boobs don't look good anymore anyway so I may as well have them removed and hopefully look small but natural. Im sure you will look good though, you don't seem to have any asymmetry so im sure you will get a good outcome. Goodluck and hope you have had some nice relaxing times away in your caravan! Bestwishes I look forward to reading your updates :)
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I removed 285cc and my scars didn't go underneath my crease they were low. It is a roller coaster removing them. I was just wishing to be back to the way i started out before implants but it's didnt feel the same.
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Hello ET1, thank you for your comments, can I ask how long ago you had explant and what size you were before and after BA? It's hard to know how they are going to turn out isn't it. I just wish we all had enough natural tissue in the first place so there were no need for implants! Nature is not always kind! Are you going to re-implant?
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thanks for your input lilmissgb i totally know that inadequate feeling and what makes this all worth is i actually feel MORE inadequate with implants becasue now i think any guy that gets with me will be freaked out and want someone with natural boobs. What a torment this whole stupid journey has been. My date with the surgeon is 17th july....then she will put me on waiting list which is a few months or so... im so torn with what to do. some days i feel up for getting them out then other days i am scared of how they will be left.... its a horrible situation
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Hi Suba, yes I get where you are coming from there also, I am hoping mine will be small but hopefully look nice natural, since my implants don't look good anymore anyway due to CC. Yes I know what you mean I feel like id rather get them out rather than face possible multiple surgeries if I get a reoccurrence of CC so I may as well get them out now, however like you it is worrying how they will turn out, yes not nice. Im wondering that maybe im being too optimistic now, and if im not happy with the result then I will be v upset and my confidence will plummet even more. A couple of months after removal I am going to try something similar to brava system and see how I get on with that. I guess if have them removed and after 1yr still really unhappy then I could always think about putting them back in again, although they may still have to be removed at some point and could still get cc so maybe not an option, as could be back to where we are now but even further into the future. Maybe best just to do it now
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I first got implants in July 2011 and then got them out on 7th August 2013. I was small before around AA-A but afterwards my breasts were different. Before it I used to at least fit the small bras properly so they felt fine. But after removal I couldn't even get the smallest bra to fit the new shape of my breast there were always gaps at the top were it was just hanging off. I ended up getting them re-implanted to 240cc, but to be honest I don't like these ones compared with the first ones. I was ok with the first ones i just didn't like all the possible health risks that comes with it and felt that it wasn't worth it, i didn't really want future surgery etc as there's no guarantee its always going to go well. So when i was trying to protect my health by getting them removed, i ended up having 2 surgeries and its cost over £10,000 so its safe to say i hate implants!
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Thank you for your reply ET1. Oh goodness it's all so expensive isn't it, the price we have to pay for nature not providing us in the first place!:( I am sorry if I am being dense but does that mean you have the 240cc implants now or did you remove those also? I could be in same position as you post explant since I was real small barely 32AA/A with asymmetry oneside hardly developed to be even smaller than that will be quite hard mentally to accept I think. But at same time I don't really want implants similar to reasons you have mentioned, repeat surgeries, health risks plus its a bit like a financial noose around the neck. Its so difficult isn't it. I just wish I had developed natural breast tissue even if I had been a proper A cup I don't think I would have had surgery in first instance. For me I almost felt it was breast construction, I didn't do it to try and be as big as possible if you know what I mean.
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Yes it is definitely expensive. I've got 240cc in at the moment, i went smaller so if i decide to get them out again hopefully there isn't too much skin stretching as there not big at all. I just know my scar position isn't good. I felt the same as you i didn't want to be big either i didn't want it to be noticeable, i was trying to get a natural look if that makes sense? But i still feel that implants aren't worth the risks and i think i will remove again at some point, even though the results aren't good i would like to see if it improved over the years. It's just hard when people make comments about it. For example if i said now that I wanted them out then the people that saw me with them out say "don't do that you will be completely flat". it doesn't help at all. Then after removal people were suggesting padded bras to me and I was saying I'd rather just were my sports bra as it was the only one that fitted properly but then they'd say "you'll look better with a bit of shape" i wish i never got these stupid things in the beginning. Even the nurse commented when I had my explant about how i had a "nice shape" before I got them removed.
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Thank you ...Good idea not to go too big so skin isn't stretched too far. Yes makes sense, I just wanted to look in proportion. I would have got teardrop shaped implants but I read that they could flip over so that put me off, hence I chose round although I think the conical ones look better. Oh yes comments like that are not helpful at all are they, just people don't think and because they are probably not flat themselves don't understand, the nurse should have known better really. I expect i'll be on the receiving end of similar comments after my removal lol! Better try and mentally prepare for it, although you cant always prepare yourself for everything. Im hoping not too many people at work will notice since some of them can be so bitchy, some notice any little thing and slag people off so that the person they are slagging hears!
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Ps Sorry Suba77 I didn't mean to hijack your thread! ET1 cant find a review page to write on!
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Haha no its absolutely fine please carry on on here as it is helping me too. Its a total dilemma isnt it....dont like implants so want them out but then if they loom really bad then willl I cope? I defo dont want to give any more money to a plastic surgeon and even if u do go for reimplant youd only have to go thru all this again. Wot a horrible thought. So I will only explant this once and not get them back in ...so the decision is do I get them out now or another time. I just find it such a hard decision to make x
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Oh ha ok thanks! Im same as you! I went to have a ultrasound at local NHS hospital yesterday to check they had not ruptured, luckily all came back ok. Afterwards I saw a consultant breast surgeon who also does private work at our local private hospital and he said that it's all implant and I have little breast tissue and was trying to disuede me from removal, said I would be in shock at being flat again after having a fuller figure for 10 yrs and that if I was a family member of his he would advise me to have a replacement. Or he suggested taking the implant out where the cc is, do a capsulectomy then put same implant back in as this would be a cheaper option. Not cheaper in the long run as Id have to have them replaced soon after that anyway because they are nearing the end of their lifespan so I think that seems pointless! Its either removal or replacement with new implants. Like you im not keen on having implants back in as I am worried about future health risks. Plus am at higher risk of CC recurring and don't want to have to keep undergoing revision surgeries, let alone the price tag of it all! However am scared like you I wont be able to handle the results and was thinking try explant, give it a year and if I really feel terrible about the result then maybe I will then think about re-implanting, although I really don't want to do this, I hope I wont be too awful and can accept it. But not sure I will be able to if I am completely flat and asymmetrical! This is a more expensive way also and not sure I'll be able to afford £6000 after paying nearly £4000 to remove less than a year earlier! I am also going to try something like the brava system post removal to see if I can get any joy there, even if its just a little bit of sweeling id be happy!
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£4000 to remove them is expensive. Why are they charging so much? Mine was £2000 and the surgeon done it as a day case so i went in at 7am and went home that night at 10pm so it saved me the cost of staying at the hospital which is £500 per night.
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Hi I know it is expensive but form what I have found so far it seems to range from £3400-£4000! I wonder if they think if they close the price gap between removal and replacement that they might think that people will be more likely to opt for replacement I don't know. It is a lot of money!
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My surgeon said it was only going to take him 10 minutes to do it. Its a quick procedure. Which hospital is charging that much?
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You could always ask if they would do it as a day case and try to at least save £500. I felt fine going home in the evening. Removal isn't painful.
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10 mins blimey that's super fast! So far I have enquired at Spire Bristol aprox £3400 aurora aprox £3800. I have an appointment in Cheltenham next weds with James Mcdiarmid so not sure how much yet but I would imagine it's not too different from those quotes. Plus the surgeon I saw yesterday was also going to send me some quotes from local BMI hospital. Yes I think I should be able to have it done as a day case. Im worried about getting home though as I don't really have anyone to come with me so not sure they will let me travel home alone?! Were you alone or did you have someone to with you or able to pick you up?
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I got mine done at Spire Livepool. It's odd that the price is so different even though its Spire. But hopefully it should save you £500. If you do it as a day case, ask if you can go in for the earliest surgery to give you all day to recover in the hospital. My mum picked me up. I don't think they would let you go alone.
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Yes maybe they included a hospital stayover I'll have to find out. Im going to wait until after my appointment in Cheltenham though. Good idea to go in early! Your probably right, that will be difficult for me. I don't have a boyfriend :( . My parents wont be able to pick me up as my mum is unwell and needs constant supervision so my dad will need to stay with her. I might be able to get one of my friends to come with me although it will be difficult for them because they have small children to look after. One of my friends I haven't told at all because last year she and her sister had to have masectomy's due to having the braca II breast cancer gence and had reconstruction with implants so I do not want to worry her. Although she will probably notice if I have them removed. I'll just say I cant afford to keep up all the surgeries. Anyway hopefully get around it some how. If I had it done at local BMI hospital then I could maybe just get a taxi home, however I want to see which surgeon I like the best.
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You should be fine getting a taxi as I wasnt drowsy or anything when I was leaving, but yes definitely just go with the best surgeon. That's a shame about your friend. When I was getting my implants in there was a young nurse training who had that done. She asked if she could watch my surgery so i said yes. But it's probably best like you say to just say its for financial reasons rather than health.
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Oh ok, that's good to know ta. ...Yes It was a real shame, she had to have a hysterectomy as well, because apparently you can be at a higher risk of ovarian cancer as well with that gene. Still it is better that she has that prevention than risk getting cancer although none of it is nice to go through. Yes thanks for that I think it is best to say financial reasons also. can I ask how long you left your implants out after explant before you decided to put them back in?
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I had them out for 3 months, I should have waited longer before i replaced them really, but i felt like i couldn't handle having breasts that looked like that at age 22 and my surgeon said the pocket would eventually be absorbed by my body so i didn't want to leave it too long. The biggest problem for me is that i got them removed at the wrong time. I think I needed get an opinion from a few surgeons so i had a better idea about how they would look and then i would have realised that it wasn't really a suitable time for me to get them removed as i wouldn't be able to handle the results. I thought i would be ok after the surgery as my surgeon told me to get a size 32B bra as he said i would be that size at first due to fluid. He said its a seroma but said that its a good thing as they would settle better slowly. But that didn't happen, i was just flat. My surgeon suggested tattooing the scars as they were visible due to being low, but i didn't really want to do that.
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