Still Coming to Terms with It - Gloucester, UK

Hi girls First of all I need to apologise for my...

Hi girls First of all I need to apologise for my English, I am sure you will find some mistakes! I have posted part of my story through this website and I think now it is time to tell my story more in full, mainly to seek help or illusions, I don’t know! I had my implants in June 2005 by TMG in London to boost my confidence, I did it just for myself (I liked to wear strapless tops, low tops and look more curvy just with a t-shirt). After the operation I was very happy, not too small not too big. I had 310cc under the muscle, I was a small A cup and went to a C cup. I loved it.

They were relatively soft to the touch, I never had problems! In 2012, I heard, as everyone else, the scandal of PIP implants and having kept all the documentation I knew mine were PIP. I tried not to worry about and convinced myself everything was ok, but then something had to be done so I called TMG. After making few phone calls finally they called me back for an appointment. To make the whole story shorter TMG offered a free removal or paying £3000 for replacement. I was really disgusted by their offers especially when they said they are not making profit on it, please don’t tell me one silicone implant costs £1500! This really put me off! Even more when I had the scan done few weeks later, my right implant was ruptured showing silicone around my lymph nodes!

My first and final decision was the removal without replacement because I was and still am sick of the whole failing system and luck of support we have and also I didn’t want to give a penny to TMG! I decided to get them removed from NHS because I felt TMG were patronising people, playing mind games, hitting you where your weaknesses were! Even though I made the decision I felt really sad to remove them, I was happy with them, still soft and no change of shape whatsoever (without the scan I wouldn’t have known I had a rupture). What will I look like? Will I feel still sexy? Will my husband still love me? I had so many questions in my mind and most of them; they couldn’t be answered until after the operation! I looked the internet and saw so many bad and good pictures, which one would be me? The date was set for the 9th of August, I was so nervous, I cried so much (I still do). As soon as I woke up I had a pick … I felt so sick, I cried so much, the hospital had to call my husband.

Anyway today it is the 22nd of August and I still find really hard to look at myself, it makes me sick touch them, I don’t feel sexy anymore. So far I can’t see much of an improvement; I try not to look at them too much! I manage to take a picture maybe with the hope of a miracle but I think my expectations are too high, I should accept my self for what I am but I can’t, not at moment! I always said: I rather live a short and happy life then a long and miserable one; should I have left them without thinking of the consequences? Or will I recover and understand the real meaning of life which it is not only bum and tits? The fact is I do understand boob is not everything but as soon as I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t know what happens, I just start crying and being miserable like there is nothing else in life, not even a loving understanding husband that would do anything for me! It is so hard!

Thanks to all of you for your support, even though...

Thanks to all of you for your support, even though I still feel very upset, reading your comments it makes me feel better.
I have posted my after ops photo, I really hate them, I still avoid to look at them as much as possible, I just can't stand them.
I didn't like them before the operation because they were far too small, now they are smaller and saggy, I don't know how they are going to change in the future, at least not in better! :-(

Just to let you know, I just came back from my...

Just to let you know, I just came back from my last consultation with my doctor for a check up, it is all good, my left scar is better then the right one but they are healing ok. I have uploaded a photo so you can see the rapture of the right implant. I have caught it on time as the silicone hasn't become liquid yet!
I have to thank you all of you and this website for the kind support I am receiving, I really appreciate it!!!!

I went bra-shopping today, I wasn't looking...

I went bra-shopping today, I wasn't looking forward to it, but I ended up buying a 32 D and 32 DD bras!!
Of course padded one, I don't even dare to wear no padded bra!
I bought some silicone enhancers from Silicone Sally, they are great, I had to increase my cup size to DD (of course, I guess, it depends on brands). Then I bought a D cup bra from Ann Summers the one that increases your cup size, it looks good, I hope.
Of course I can't see myself naked, they look awful, or even with a normal bra in my normal cup size, I am a B cup (I didn't know that) but quite an empty B. Anyway will see what the future will bring me!

Just uploaded few more recent photo, the dent...

Just uploaded few more recent photo, the dent hasn't been filled.
They don't look any better then the first photo, gutted!
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Just read your story, I really hope you're feeling better about everything. And honestly, I think your after removal boobs look amazing! I'm actually really jealous! I am 5 weeks post pip removal and am left with absolutely nothing. I'd love to have pert ones like yours! How r u doing now? Xx
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Hi Lana36 I am not too bad, I might post a more recent picture. I did receive CBT which helped me. Of course I will not change my opinion of my self, but at least I am not crying about it, there are so many bad things in life and what I have is nothing! How are you coping?
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Hi sorry for delay, I'm not too bad thanks, some days I hate mine and some days I realise there's so many more important things other than my silly boobs! I hope everything is good with you, and trust me, your pics look great! x
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Unicorn: think about you most every day. I wish I could just hug you and tell you that you will be ok and that you are lovely. It hurts to know someone is trying her best to do the right thing and her feelings are not getting on board with her. You are having a hard time and it sucks. Please know you matter, how you feel matters and I hope that you will soon see in yourself what everyone has been telling you and things will improve for you. I will be here and I pledge my friendship.
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Hi Old gal Thank you so much for you comment, it is really sweet. I am trying, I am receiving CBT as well from a support group here where I live. I hope they can change this stupid mind of mine!!!
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Hi Beba1979 How are you? It is very hard to deal with! I am receiving CBT from this week I hope it will help me but so far my feeling for my breast hasn't changed, I just hate it!
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Unicorn 76, now I understand how you feel. Its very hard to deal with it. I'll probably go back in 6 months to get smaller implants. My self esteem is very low right now and don't know how to deal with it.
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Hey Unicorn. How are you feeeling? How are the boobs doing? Hope you are healing well x
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Hi Clare885, I am fine, my boobs are healing ok, of course the scars are stills quite visible but it will take quite a while before they start to get less evident! I still hate them, they haven't changed much (I saw photos here where boobs had a real dramatic change in a quite short period) but I think I shouldn't hope too much, they are small, nothing I can do about it! Next week I have an appointment with 'Let's Talk' support group, I don't know what to expect. How are you? How are you healing?
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hi Unicorn, i just wanna say that i think you look really great in your after pic and if i could look like you post-explant, i would be sooo damned happy that i wouldn't have to get a lift. but you also looked fabulous with implants. since you really miss them so much, perhaps you should entertain the thought of going with saline, which is super safe-that is what i have had for years. i wish they were more maleable but my sis has silicone and they are not much squishier or real-feeling at all than mine. if you get them under the muscle, saline will look pretty much like the first pic you have posted. anyway, i support you if you get new ones. life is short, be happy.
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Thank you so much for your reply!!! I wish I can see what you see! I will see what it is going to happen, at the moment I haven't got the money and my husband and I are planning for a baby next year so I can't take any risks. We'll see!
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Hi Unicorn,

How are you doing? Thinking of you and wondering how you are :) xxx
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Hi Loubedoo
I am ok; still I can't accept the small size (I just don't like it). I am trying to avoid looking at them as much as I can, I don't feel sexy anymore. Apart from that the scars are healing quite well, the right one is still pink-ish so it is taking longer but I can't complain! How are you? Is your infection gone down? Hope you are getting better!!!!!!
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Wrote a personal letter to unicorn, hope she gets it

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Hi Old gal
I have just notice you comment, sorry I don't think I received it, or I don't know how to look for it, in case I send you my email address!
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Unicorn76 You look amazing!!!!:)
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well i just posted some updated pics of what im going through :/ and its not pretty lol it took a lot for me to post those but i want to share my journey in case this happens to someone else :) I see roundness at the bottom of your breast :) again im sooo envious of how perfect your look :)
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okay you deffinatley dont see what we see :) cause i am sooooooooooooooo jealous of you right now :) i would trade you breasts if it were possible LOL!!! I still havnt shown my hubby cause im soo self conscious of the severe puckering. BUT YOU, YOU look AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! if i was you id be flashing my new boobies to all my friends LOL!!! ;)
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I did see your pictures and you do have quite round nice shape, actually. I feel like mine don't suit my chest, it seems they have been added later, I don't know how to explain, I can't see a round shape, I don't know!
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Thank you very much for all your comments! I really can't see what all of you see, I might need a pair of glasses or I should have asked for a brain transplant ;-) !!
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You look great! We are always too harsh on ourselves, but as you can see from the other ladies on here, they all think you look great! You still need to give yourself time, it takes up to a full year before things are really back to normal, and sometimes the fluffing fairy doesn't visit till around 4 months. So please be patient and kind to yourself!
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I woudl go as far as to say i am seriously envious of your boobies....i know i cant make you like them but seriously to an outsider looking in, your boobs are lovely. Really....they seriously are, yes they are small, but so what, they are not saggy, they are in proportion and really cute...id be really proud....my boobs could never ever look like yours :(..and you have got lovely cute small nipples....mine are like saucers...:(....be gratefull girl seriously....your not seeing what we are seeing....you look great. xx
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Hi Unicorn mum 1 here well for what its worth I think they look great really cute and perky they don't look like empty sacks at all and I think small breast do look sexy on one of the ladies profile she has put a link to celebrities with small breasts and they are all really feminine and sexy I hope you grow to love them because I know what you think is what matters not what we all say big hug xx
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Hi Unicorn, I really think you have a great result, you dont look saggy at all and look like you never had implants. You just look like a naturally slim built woman now in proportion.

We are our own worst critics, and will always find fault with ourselves. You honestly look not just fine, but great.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is not the end of the world - you have to get this in perspective. Try and remember all the reasons you needed explant. I had PIP implants too and I am so glad to be rid of them. You can always wait a few months and if you really feel like you cant live with smaller breasts then consider replacing them.

hugs
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Hi andi22
Thank you for your support. You haven't been harsh at all, you are perfectly right (I really think I need someone to kick mu bum!!!). I read you story and I wish I can take it as you did. In a way I am starting to get used to it until I look my self in the mirror, so I try to think positive but it is really hard! I think I will keep reading your story when I am feeling down ;-)
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