Log for a Long Painful Journey - Denver, CO

Hello everyone!

Let me introduce myself and my story firstly. My name is Cheng, originally from China and doing school in Colorado. At the end of September, I made a super big mistake which is getting a tattoo done. Seriously, I have been thinking about this tattoo design for around two years. As an international student, live by myself in a foreign country is tough. I felt life is just like feather, and what support you to move on is love and hope. This is the meaning behind this tattoo. Especially when I met my girlfriend this summer who is my 7 years old close friend. I have a stronger motivation to get the tattoo done. But just right after I finish my tattoo, every time I looked at the mirror, I just feel this is not my body and not me. Black ink let me feel cold and afraid of myself. During past 20 days, I cannot sleep, study, eat. The depression is killing me in slow motion.
I did lots of research, and pick a local clinic they are using RevLite and a 10 years experienced CLS will do the treatment for me.
My first treatment is Oct. 28th. I really need some support from friends. Feel really such a down time.

Ok, so today I screwed up my midterm test, depressed. In addition, since my depressed mood also affect my family and friend even girl friend. And just one moment, I felt like I kinda don't really hate that tattoo. Since really I like the hidden message behind it. Thinking back, probably nothing can change my mind to get it. Just after I screwed my midterm, and after a long sleep, I realized I think I can accept it. Although I hope I didn't make this decision. But I already did, and nothing can change. I know laser removal is a long painful process. I am quite emotional for sure, I don't know during this process, if I will be more depressed for example if the progress is not really good. If the result is not perfect. I am hesitating right now.

What do you think fellows? Need some comment!

Oct 28th, 1st treatment, hope I can stay positive

Thanks all your friendly comments, I really appreciate you. Best wishes for you. I will do a test spot this saturday to make sure, the reaction of asian skin type to the laser. I feel lot better these days, my family and girlfriend give me best support ever. I really want to share more about myself to you, why I am this hesitating, although this does relate to removal process. You can just read them as a short story to understand more about asian culture probably. Tattoo is partially acceptable in Asia, I think just because in old generation, it closely relates to gangster or something. My father is a professor in college, and mother works for government. They are really traditional parent, and love me very much. Since high school, I fell in love with rock music, especially some emotional genre. I also formed my own underground music band in college, last year my band (although I left, since I study abroad) even released our first album. From this you can see how much I love it, but not like normal rock band, I will connect then with anger and offensive emotion. Our songs are all about love and something. But affected by this type of culture, in past two years, I really want to get a new school style tattoo about love. For me, I am also a christian. I love people so much. I can be touched so easily by other people. Even after I got this tattoo done, I have no idea if it is allowed for christian to have a tattoo. On the other side, because of my parent and my girlfriend's family, I feel strongly shame about my tattoo. But sometime, I don't know why I will feel shame about it, since all it wants to express is about love, hope and life. That is why I am so hesitating about what should I do. And the laser removal technology in China is so horrible, makes me feel sometime hopeless to get rid of it. I will stay here at least two years, my plan is to trying get rid of it. If after two years, my tattoo cannot be completely gone, probably.... I will just have a couple small letters about love to cover it up as much as possible.
Anyway, I am just so touched by your comment, and want to share more story of me.

first of all, share a link to you guys, http://www.smoothlaser.com/ltr_phcase.html and the machine they are using is RevLite.

The pictures looks very realistic. I think this type of discoloration should be expected by us asian especially. oneTime2many's comment although sounds harsh, I know, that is what I should concern, first of all, I don't hate the tattoo that much. Like what I said, the tattoo I have, it is really meaningful for me, that is my story, life is just like feather in the air, love from my family and hope from my faith support my life. secondly the reason I want to remove it, is not because of design or shape something, just because it is "tattoo", it just suddenly change me skin permanently so I don't feel really comfortable in this way, so called "permanently". Another reason I want to remove it is because the social pressure, I mean, someday I will become a dad, I will concern my daughter or son's perspective on me. But nowadays, actually young people, even in China such a traditional nation, more and more people are getting tattoo to express their faith, especially us generation. Some time I felt shame for myself by getting a tattoo is also just because the old generation. To sum up, I am hesitating again, or my emotion is kinda getting weird now. Once I think, I love this tattoo and meaning behind it, I don't feel anxiety anymore, just concern my future child little bit. But if I am thinking about laser removal, I will feel more nervous and even cannot stop smoking. In addition, I know I am taking risk.

So I am hesitating again. I know if I post this in this community, it will become really frustrated. But this is some of my feeling. Still hesitating, and I will let you know my final decision. But anyway, even if I decide to not get lasered. I will keep continuing care about this community. Even after this short feeling, I have a strong motivation, to import some good machine back to my country and open a clinic to help people.

Hello folks, hope this could be my last post here. First of all, special thanks to oneTime2Man, blackberry11 (I believe you are the best mom ever), wilks1986 and Eva G. If without your support, I cannot even imagine what my life is going to be.

I think at the moment, I decide to cancel my treatments and do not remove my tatt. Like what I mentioned before, I like the meaning behind it, I believe that is beautiful, one more time, life is feather and what support it is love and hope (I believe that even deeply during this period, every time I saw your comment and support you gave). During this little period, I even give this tatt more meaning. Because my gf always says, she wants to be a fatty bird next life. I would say this two feather were just like a wing or something I can keep her warm and protect her. I thought this is beautiful.

The original worry about this tatt just it makes me kinda feel too special. Yea, culture shock as well. My love to rock music & skate board new school culture met my traditional Chinese culture. But I do believe I can conquer it, because of the meaning, yes, you are right, I have nothing to be ashamed. And I believe after this period and deep understanding about tatt, in the future, once I have child, I can educate him more about ink.

I really appreciate your help during my short journey! Hope the best wishes to all of you! If you need any support, just let me know.