6.5 weeks po.

It`s unfortunate that I have to have this surgery at only 23, but after losing 120lbs, then getting pregnant and re-losing another 75lbs, I have no choice. Skin can`t rebound after losing 195lbs in succession. After coming so far with the goal only of looking like a normal 23 year old, not perfect- just normal, it is disappointing to see I still have all the markings of a morbidly obese person. I had hoped that I would finally like who I saw in the mirror but instead I have batwings, some of the worst inner thighs I`ve ever seen, old, and huge but deflated breasts that can touch my belly the ptosis is so bad. All that sucks, it really does.. but I can live with it. What I can`t live with is the massive amount of skin and fat hanging off my stomach. At times in the day I look 8 months pregnant if I am bloated. It`s so depressing. :( After all my hard work, I get to find out that there is nothing I can do in my power to finish. I am left with surgery. But cèst la vie. After coming this far, I can`t turn back now.

I still want to lose another 25lbs, or whatever is left after the surgery. The pannus I have actually seems to weigh a lot. (I was given the estimate of 5-7 lbs but I was curious and weighed it on 3 scales I had at home.. seems to be 8-10. Ugh. I can actually pull my stomach away from my body. that`s messed up.) I`m 5`9-5`10, and 170lbs right now. I am trying to get to 165ish by surgery. Overall, I want to be 145, but who knows what will actually look good. It`s not like I have any thing to reference myself to. Before getting pregnant, I was 165lbs and that was the lowest I had ever been since I was maybe 10. I know most people go into surgery trying to get their post baby bodies back. I just want to know what if feels like to look normal for at least once in my life. To not have to spend forever picking out my wardrobe only to put a baggy over-shirt on top to cover whatever I wear. Or to wear spandex tights under my pants to smooth out the hanging skin so it doesn`t show through my clothes. I just want to wear a shirt and pants like a normal person! And, oh man, a dress!

I have been avoiding thinking to much about the surgery although it`s less than a month away. I feel so sad that we have to spend our savings to do this but I`ve had some pretty bad eating disorders and whatnot occur from depression over my stomach that I need to get rid of it once and for all so I can have a life. I`m afraid of the pain, but I`m tough and I know I can handle it. So I won`t think about it. What I`m most anxious about is my baby. He will be 9 months old and I won`t be allowed to hold him for 3 weeks. That breaks my heart. But I am going back to work form maternity leave a month later and I could never take this much time off so this is really my only chance.

I had my consultation almost 3 weeks ago. It went well. PS said it was all loose skin except in the pannus which would be removed anyway. He said I don`t need lipo except maybe a little feathering on the upper abdomen, but not sure yet. I didn`t feel like I was given much info as it was a pretty short consult and he mostly just said how I would be really happy with the results, so I had a second consult which eased me a lot more. I was convinced I needed lipo on the sides but he showed me it was just skin. He pulled my belly to the front and showed me what it will look like when he`s done. It`s better than I ever would have imagined. I would have settled for a panniculectomy just so I could fit clothes properly, honestly. This is much better.:)