6.5 weeks po.

It`s unfortunate that I have to have this surgery at only 23, but after losing 120lbs, then getting pregnant and re-losing another 75lbs, I have no choice. Skin can`t rebound after losing 195lbs in succession. After coming so far with the goal only of looking like a normal 23 year old, not perfect- just normal, it is disappointing to see I still have all the markings of a morbidly obese person. I had hoped that I would finally like who I saw in the mirror but instead I have batwings, some of the worst inner thighs I`ve ever seen, old, and huge but deflated breasts that can touch my belly the ptosis is so bad. All that sucks, it really does.. but I can live with it. What I can`t live with is the massive amount of skin and fat hanging off my stomach. At times in the day I look 8 months pregnant if I am bloated. It`s so depressing. :( After all my hard work, I get to find out that there is nothing I can do in my power to finish. I am left with surgery. But cèst la vie. After coming this far, I can`t turn back now.

I still want to lose another 25lbs, or whatever is left after the surgery. The pannus I have actually seems to weigh a lot. (I was given the estimate of 5-7 lbs but I was curious and weighed it on 3 scales I had at home.. seems to be 8-10. Ugh. I can actually pull my stomach away from my body. that`s messed up.) I`m 5`9-5`10, and 170lbs right now. I am trying to get to 165ish by surgery. Overall, I want to be 145, but who knows what will actually look good. It`s not like I have any thing to reference myself to. Before getting pregnant, I was 165lbs and that was the lowest I had ever been since I was maybe 10. I know most people go into surgery trying to get their post baby bodies back. I just want to know what if feels like to look normal for at least once in my life. To not have to spend forever picking out my wardrobe only to put a baggy over-shirt on top to cover whatever I wear. Or to wear spandex tights under my pants to smooth out the hanging skin so it doesn`t show through my clothes. I just want to wear a shirt and pants like a normal person! And, oh man, a dress!

I have been avoiding thinking to much about the surgery although it`s less than a month away. I feel so sad that we have to spend our savings to do this but I`ve had some pretty bad eating disorders and whatnot occur from depression over my stomach that I need to get rid of it once and for all so I can have a life. I`m afraid of the pain, but I`m tough and I know I can handle it. So I won`t think about it. What I`m most anxious about is my baby. He will be 9 months old and I won`t be allowed to hold him for 3 weeks. That breaks my heart. But I am going back to work form maternity leave a month later and I could never take this much time off so this is really my only chance.

I had my consultation almost 3 weeks ago. It went well. PS said it was all loose skin except in the pannus which would be removed anyway. He said I don`t need lipo except maybe a little feathering on the upper abdomen, but not sure yet. I didn`t feel like I was given much info as it was a pretty short consult and he mostly just said how I would be really happy with the results, so I had a second consult which eased me a lot more. I was convinced I needed lipo on the sides but he showed me it was just skin. He pulled my belly to the front and showed me what it will look like when he`s done. It`s better than I ever would have imagined. I would have settled for a panniculectomy just so I could fit clothes properly, honestly. This is much better.:)

Feeling down today. I had a bad gluten attack a week ago and I think there is a lot of contamination in my kitchen after baking for my husband because I had been retaining 5-10 lbs of water for a whole week now. :( All the weight I lost in the last month in prep for surgery came back overnight from not eating cookies ( I can't have gluten) but from MAKING them and pizza crust. :( I mean, I only had 1500 calories a day. It wasn't weight... but it sure feels real. Feel really gross and sad right now and apprehensive like this water weight won't go before surgery. Scared that I will have my food contaminated after surgery when other people make it for me and bloat so bad my sutures tear. Getting very nervous. In 2 more days, it's no longer refundable...
I think I just need to go look at more before and afters. :)

Added some new pictures. :) Most of my bloating went away by this morning. What a long week... Only 2lbs bloated now. Thank God! :) Feeling much more optimistic now.

Added some new pictures. :) Most of my bloating went away by this morning. What a long week... Only 2lbs bloated now. Thank God! :) Feeling much more optimistic now.

Still not really getting scared. Wonder when it will set in?

Am having a hard time weaning my baby though. Finding out at the worst moment that neither of us are really ready too after all... The plan from the beginning (before surgery was even a thought) was Jan 21st.. but here we are Feb 7 and I am wondering... is there any way to make this work so I can keep one feed a day for a couple more months? I just don't even know what kind of pain meds we take... how long would I have to pump and dump for? Would it even be worth it? Baby just doesn't snuggle unless he is nursing and he is starting to get teeth lately and I think ones about to come out because he has been fussy lately and wanting to nurse, so I don't want to say no. I'm really torn.

On a positive note, I'm down a few more pounds. :) Pretty close to my goal for surgery now.

SO surgery is tomorrow.. and I'm still not really very nervous. Denial? I'm not sure. Whatever it is, my reaction is unexpected and I keep waiting to absolutely lose it. I am the last person who is normally calm. I have found that I have been avoiding looking at these boards though.

I decided to wean baby, but I'm not doing the last feed until the last minute... I hate the knowledge of knowing I can't hold him for 3 weeks. :(

I reached my goal weight a few days ago! :) I wanted to get to 166.5, I got to 166.0. :) Can't wait to see how much ends up coming off from this pannus. I know this surgery isn't for weight loss, but this thing is heavy.
I bought a bikini top the other day! What a nightmare that was- cups were all too small and the bands were all too big but I found one that will do- just need to get the band tailored down. Now to see if I will actually wear it afterwards... :P

Still have not gotten my note for insurance from my PS.. odd.. They did give me one, but it didn't say anything so I needed a better one. I have little hope my insurance will cover anyway. They would rather my province pay, but sorry, I'm not waiting 2 years to find out yay or nay and just have a panniculectomy with some random doc I don't choose when I also have torn muscles on top of it. No thanks. I'd rather pay and be surprised if I get money back. On that note, I am so proud! I paid off my line of credit that had the surgery on it today! YAY! :D I reaaaallly wanted that gone before surgery.

Today I'm just finishing cleaning up the house, going to the gym and swimming one last time and getting ready anything that I can.
The countdown is on...

21 more hours.

I am out and at home. I swear, it was no big deal. I went in completely calm (what the heck, I never ever got nervous even at the last minute.) and was even joking with them. I went under, woke up almost right after and they kept me an hour but I was bored, felt ok, couldn't fall back asleep and wanted to leave so they called my husband and sent me home. It didn't even have much trouble walking- and I had two flights of stairs to go down and a decent walk (apartment building, separate wing) and now I'm on the couch feeling fine. I mean, I'm in pain but pregnancy was worse for me- mine was pretty unusually brutal. So ladies, don't psych yourselves out and get all scared. If you keep calm, it really shouldn't be that bad. Although I have a very high pain threshold, but seriously. I didn't even need much help moving around. Can't wait to have this stupid catheter out though... :/ So chins up- you can do it. :)

Doctor didn't do lipo like he promised he would on the top though... hope it's fine..

Omg! What is this I see?? I took a pic ( can't upload yet) and it's much better than the others. Anyway, noticed my thighs weren't showing through my pants. Normally the bunch of excess skin does. Looked under my pants and I hooooope sooo bad it's not swelling that filled the skin or just my imagination, but they look like they were improved. A lot. Oh, Lord, I hope so!!! :)

Added a couple more pics. Not good because I took a pic with my ipod of the pics on my crummy phone. Lol. So they are baaad quality. Seeing a bit of my thigh skin come back today. :( But still better than it was. Hope it stays that way.

Added new pic. Think thighs were just uuber swollen and filled out loose skin.. Might be a little better though. Stretch marks from upper abs look pretty awful and silver though. :/ Bummer. But overall so happy. :)

What an odd experience to be weaning while recovering from a Tt.. Just swollen all over. I breas fed the final time 2 hours before my surgery. Must have been out of my damn mind. Lol. Oh well. Like everything else, not so bad. Just unpleasant.

MAY throw up.. We shall see. :p Would rather not but Oh well. Think it's from the laxatives. Still no bm but soon I think. Unpleasant. Also hope my milk dries up soon. Rock hard now. :s But still in a good mood. None of it is all that horrible and it's a small price to pay.

Just vomitted 3 times. Tried to be careful and hubby held me up as far as possible so I didn't have to twist to the side. It's ok I threw up, right? Thinking its from the laxative and stool softner yesterday which hasn't worked anyway except to give me gas and nausea. But it's normal, right? Shouldn't bust stitches either?

Nurse said I shouldn't have thrown up. Odd. A little nervous about tummy skin... A LOT of harsh white stretch marks because upper skin was where they all were, not the pannis. PS said he would have it super tight.. But it's not. Looks good now but hopefully no loose skin when it relaxes??? I still want to lose 14 more lbs later. Want to be 145. Time will tell. Still happy. Alls good. :)

Grrrr.. Some people seriously suck. Someone pulled the fire alarm in my apt building for fun at midnight and I hurt something getting out of bed. Awesome. At least my baby didb't wake up and stay up all night.. He's teething. Would have been awful. Go figure it's the one time I think " let's try weaning to just Tylenol" ... Lol. Don't think I ended up ripping something like I originally feared though, thank God.

4dpo: Ok.. Have to say.. Freakin' THRILLED with my lady parts. Lol. I sooo hated mine before... So much loos,droopy skin. It was embarrassing! And my thighs aren't perfect but do look a little better. So I am happy. :) Washed my hair and shaved and sorta sponge bathed myself and after rried on some cute undies I had but could never wear.. Almost cried. :) I look like a lady! :) Silly, but never felt like one before.

Added pics of the awful stretch marks. :/ Hoping they calm down?

5dpo:
Ugh... Had my first bm today. Tmi alert.. It was AWFUL! I've been eating fruits, veg, protein and activia but didn't seem to matter. And dunno if it was the senokot lacative or the stool softener, but it was def one of them last time that made me sick because I only had tylenol and that was ages ago but I threw up again. Really hope my I didn't bust something. Also there waa a looot of blood.. Is that abnormal?? The experience was the worst of the whole ordeal so far, but I'm feeling ok now. Should I still be worried?

Posted new pics. :) Convinced hubby to let me up a min without the binder. :)

Feeling a little... Off. Still keep hearing how everythings supposed to be all tight and mine feels soft.. Swelling? Or not enough skin removal? I feel like, minus the pannus, I'm bigger. I see people look sooo much smaller after, like, even though they didn't, they lost. 50lbs from lipo and skin. But nothing was lipo'd.. He said it was all skin.. I don 't know.. I know ( although hoping this is just swelling) that my waist has gone up not down. I feel like I was more hourglassy before. Is this normal? Everyone else seems so flat after and paid so much less... I feel like besides a lot of skin and torn muscles there wasn't alot to do eith contouring me in the first place... But yet I don't feel like I got what I was expecting. And I paid 9k...
Must be post op blues.. I hope. See my ps tomorrow. Hope things look up... Rant over. Sorry, must be a little post op blues.

I'm freaking out a little... Yesterday my final drain was removed and when I stood up to put on my new garment I noticed severe bulging in my lower abdomen. The nurse said it should go away by the next day and had me wear both compression garments... And I've been taking arnica... But today it's worse!The swelling is all over but the lower bulge hurts it's so tight and I look 4 months pregnant. My weight has gone up a few lbs in less than a day and my hip measurement is as big as when I had my pannus., What's could this be?It's freaking me out that it will restretch my skin.. Or there's fat pulled down from him not lipoing.. Or worst.. That the stiches tire. Praying it's just a gluten attack as I have had some other symptoms spring up and hoping it resolves quickly.. Maybe it's a seroma? My ps hasn't returned my page... Is this common? Will post pics later of I can.

Added pics of swelling. Sooo much more apparent in person.

So my seroma was partially asparated today.. They couldn't get it all but at least it doesn't hurt so bad anymore and I don't look so deformed from the side view or looking down. I'm still riddiculously swollen and will no doubt have to repeat the process again soon as I baloon back up ( already strarted) but now I just look a little chubby/thick from the side.. Not 4 months preggers. From the front though it looks quite good. :) So much happier for now. :) Added pics.

So short on time these days (maternity leave is over) so I'll be brief. I look much better. Still a lot of swelling, still have a small seroma left, but looking decent. Bought a bunch of new work clothes and they were all small. :) I can already tell I will need a and it will cost me $1200 it looks like. Bs. I shouldn't be paying extra for lipo he promised he'd do and marked me for but didn't and quite a bit of excess skin that should have been removed. If I bend over it still drapes off me. I've seen people get tummy tucks for less. But I am still happy... Here's how I've decided I feel: tt= totally worth it. My doctor and his cost, no way. Maybe my opinion will change, but I seriously doubt it. I'll post a pic of the excess skin later. I'm looking decent clothed but without the cg, the clothes make a bit of a muffin top of skin and show the buldges of excess skin in my upper abs too. Not cool. In theory I'm thrilled, but I paid for who was supposed to be the best and I feel for the money I spent I should have gotten better. By the way, wearing the cg level 2s with spandex undie things overtop keeps the swelling down a lot during the say. I sleep with the cg and the binder on at night and I am minimally swollen in the morning. If I don't do that, I balloon. It really works well. :)