Fed Up. 22 Yrs Old, 32E/F to 32C? - Canada
- updated 4 months ago
I was a fairly late bloomer and was a C cup until...
- 20 Mar 2013
I was a fairly late bloomer and was a C cup until about the age of 16, but since then they've grown every year. I was perfectly happy and fine at a D cup but they refused to quit, causing me self consciousness, self loathing, insecurities, pain, etc. I almost never wear tight fitting clothing or stand up straight because I just feel foolish or like I'm looking for attention. I always thought I was a 34 DD, until I had a couple bra fittings a couple months ago to find I'm a 32E/F. Not impressed.
I'm 5'9" and about 125 pounds and it just feels disproportionate. I hide them with sports bras and most friends I've had conversations with would have guessed I was a C cup and nothing more. That's how well I strap 'em down. I suffer from chronic back and neck pain (I also have scoliosis, an S curve in my spine that causes muscle pain) but I know these heavy things are only worsening the stress put on my back daily.
I am scheduled for surgery this fall (which is fully covered thank God), and I am nervous as hell, but ready for a change, ready to feel my age. I just want to be more confident in my own body and feel comfortable wearing tighter clothing. I would currently just appreciate any thoughts/ comments from anyone about whether or not this is the best choice ( I believe it to be!) and if they think it will help with my chronic pain or not. Thanks :)
I've given up wearing bras of late because I can't...
- 3 Apr 2013
I also just want to say that I know some people on...
- 3 Apr 2013
Have you been to the doctor several times over (at least) the past year due to back, shoulder, or neck pain? YES
Are you consistently prescribed medication to help you deal with the pain? YES
Do you have constant red groove marks on your shoulders where your bra sets? YES
Do you get a frequent rash under your breasts? YES
Do your breasts hang low? YES
Do you have stretch marks around the tops of your breasts where the skin has been stretched under the weight of them? YES
Is your posture affected due to the size of your breasts? YES
Is it difficult for you to participate in sports? YES
Is it difficult to find bras in your size? YES
Have your breasts caused you unwanted attention and self-consciousness? YES
and Most importantly, are your breasts causing you emotional distress or depression? YES
The Waiting is the Hardest Part... Lately it's...
- 3 May 2013
Lately it's getting harder and harder and I've only been waiting for a month or so. To think I've still got atleast half a year of waiting to go! I just feel like rambling a little tonight..
I've always been a sensitive very self conscious and self aware person. Always. I feel like most women my age enjoy their breasts, as one of their most feminine features; whether they are small or large. I feel like they probably don't affect their every day life, and when they want to dress up, dress down, wear a tank top and shorts in the summer when it's +30 outside; their breasts aren't something that deters them or that are even a factor in this process. That's different for me. I'm always aware. I don't stand straight. I have bad posture because of this. I don't stand tall and proud. I let me shoulders curve in a bit to try and hide, to try and curl into myself. Most days after I get dressed I still look in the mirror, turn to the side, stand up real staight and I look at my body. I like my height, I like being tall. I like my broad shoulders, my small waist, my slim hips, little bum, skinny legs. I have a perfectly fine body image and I have a real problem when some people think that women who want this procedure are doing so because they've been brainwashed into a bad self image because of the media. I have a good self image. Better now than any other time before in my life. I love my body, it is my temple. I eat well, exercise and treat myself with respect. But even with all of this, the struggle of carrying around this size chest on my frame is a hurdle I've deemed unfair and unsuitable for me. I don't want to try to learn to love it, because I have for years. I know that something like this only gets worse (and larger) with time and years. I'm young. I want to feel youthful and sexy. I don't want to base my wardrobe around trying not to look like a hoochie.
Knowing know that I'm getting this procedure done has taught me a few things about myself that I did not know before, maybe some things I'm not so proud to admit..
My boyfriend of 3 and a half years is very loving and very supportive and hasn't given me one reason to think he wouldn't be okay with me going through with this procedure. He knows they will look scary at first. He knows I will have scars and to what extent they will fade and that they'll always be there. He knows I'm doing this for myself and he's seen my frustration and my back pain every day that he's been with me. He knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have children with me and he knows this is the best decision for me in the long run, and also that it'll keep them perky and uppity for longer as well. (I mean if I've noticed a definite sag from the age of 17 to now; 22, then I know they'll sit lower still ten, twenty years from now)
Yet I still find myself seeking constant reassurance from him to make sure that he's still going to find me attractive and going to want me. To the point that it's probably starting to drive him a little crazy. I mean he loves my big boobs. He loves big boobs in general. I use them as a sexual ploy to get his attention half the time. I'm not going to have that when they're gone and I joke that I'll have to shake my butt in his face a lot more instead. I'm not trying to be inappropriate here so I hope no one is taking it that way. Regardless. I have very vivid dreams at night. I've had nightmares where I have the procedure and they leave me with nothing, not even an A cup. I've had nightmares where I wake up and they look the exact same size, not smaller at all but still with the scars.
I've got a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The angel is the good, healthy, supportive and loving side of my mind. Reassuring me, comforting me, telling me it's all alright. The Devil on my shoulder has been created strictly by the media and by men and boys that I've known. Voices that has stuck to the inside of my skull like hot glue. He's a smug bastard who sneaks in, and keeps telling me the size of my chest is relative to the size of my worth as a woman, as a person. And that by taking away this part of myself I'm taking away the part of me that's worth the most to the opposite sex. Worth more than anything else about me. Worth more than my intelligence or my smile or my compassion or my thoughts and dreams. It's so wrong I know, and I don't understand how there's even a tiny portion of my brain that feels this way! I despise it! These years that I've been prodded and praised and loved for my big boobs by these men that I've dated. This media that is in your face every single day. Men and love and women and big tits and lust and beauty. They throw every one of those things in a big box and jumble it all around until you don't know the difference anymore between it all. I
I get angry too. When a commercial on tv comes on, or a show, or anything portraying a woman will a full bust in a low cut top, whether she's selling sex to sell a product or catching mens attention. I change the channel even. It's absurd! I get angry about men a lot. While I know not all men are the same and they're not all bad sometimes I have a hard time telling myself so. I've dated a lot of bad ones and have a lot of reason to believe that it's true that men really are all pigs. Every last one of them. They don't want brains or love or commitment or laughs. They just want a big pair of boobs in their face. I worry that by taking this one thing away from my boyfriend, (the one thing I've been brainwashed to think every single man wants in life) I worry he won't look at me the same, or that I won't be as sexy to him. Sometimes I'll obsessively search nude women with the same measurements weight and height as me with a B or C cup just to get excited and I'll show my boyfriend saying, "See see! this is what I'll look like! You think that looks good right?? See small boobs can be great too right?? Right?" and he always laughs and says "Yes yes! ofcourse I know! Stop worrying!!" but God I'm so neurotic. I wish that I had have sought out this procedure when I was single and cared mainly about my opinion and didn't have to get so neurotic about a significant others possible unspoken and scary thoughts..
I'm not for one moment having doubts about this at all. I want it 100% and that's not going to change. I just wasn't aware of the flood of emotions that would come along with it, even pre - op. It's a real journey isn't it ladies! :)
- 29 Aug 2013
My boyfriend of 3 and a half years. I found all this wonderful porn stuff on his computer. A tumblr he made and religiously had been updating daily for the past year or year and a half or so. All about huge boobs and how much he loves them. The title of the blog was something stupid like GoodGodILoveBigTits or something stupid like that. Just filled with pictures of huge boobs, natural ones, lots of fake plastic looking ones. Basically, the opposite of how my boobs are going to look. As If I wasn't feeling concerned enough.
And if that wasn't a blow to the gut enough. Turns out he had also been using this porn site for the past year and a half, atleast, maybe longer. Online video chat site. He had paid for one on one videos with these gross disgusting whorish looking girls with huge fake plastic looking boobs. You know, one on one videos, where he gets them to do whatever he wants. and I got to see all the chat history with him and all these girls. Him calling them babe, love, beautiful, sexy,.. things that should have been reserved only for me. These women looked nothing like me. And the one that he talked to the most, and spent money on the most for one on one videos, looks nothing like me. brunnette, ton of makeup, really unnatural looking boobs, a twat that looks tiny like a ten year olds. I found her hideous. I don't understand why. I don't have a lot of self confidence, but I know that I am more beautiful than her, inside and out, but still, my low self confidence has gone even lower. I am disgusted with him for making me feel that I am not enough. I have since not been able to get my images of her and her stupid voice out of my hear.
My anger... I cannot explain my anger. I have borderline personality disorder, and I think that makes it even harder for me to deal with my emotions in a situation like this. I have good days, but most days I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My view of him, is different, judgmental and changed for the worse. And for now, my view of men is different, judgmental, and changed for the worse (Not that it was in a good place to begin with). I feel that all or atleast most men, are only concerned with what material they're going to jack off to that day and atleast 50% of the time all they're thinking about are their cocks, or porn, or sluts, or huge fake tits and nasty women with painted faces and no moral compass. I think all men want a beautiful girl, to fill the void of love, compassion and warmth. And then on the side they also want or have this need to fill some void with porn, this carnal need for whores. It confuses me to no end, because I've never had a need to go look at cocks or talk to other men online. I don't think I can trust him again, or any man. I feel that I am trapped to be with him, and try to forgive him for this, or just follow a life of bad love affairs where I continue to get hurt in the same way. If I stay with him, how am I ever going to trust? Or feel that I am enough? If I wasn't enough with my huge boobs that he loves, and he still needed this shit on the side, how will I ever feel that I am enough when I have small boobs with scars??? I honestly think that because of this I may need to get back into therapy. ( I was seeing a shrink on and off from the ages of 17-20) . I have never felt, lower, and less physically attractive, and more insecure and taken advantage of, and just sickened, than I do right now at this point in life. How it is that someone who loves me, could put me in this state, I do not know. And if anyone wants to comment about how all men watch porn, and try to tell me that what he did is normal and ok, then please reserve your comment.
Aside from all this. I called my surgeons office, and asked the receptionist if she had a better idea for me of when this fall my surgery would be... September, October or November. and she laughed and said 'oh? It's a 12 month wait dear' no reservation or concern in her voice or apology or anything. I told her that the surgeon told me it was a 6-8 month wait, and she said ' No he was wrong its a 12 month wait'. She gave me a number to call the head of surgery at the hospital here, so I called her and she then informed me that it's actually a 12-14 month wait. This means that I won't have my surgery until February-April 2014. More months of mental torture.
Oh! and because of all this stress, I've gained 5-10 pounds and I'm pretty damn positive my boobs have actually gotten bigger. I'm almost 23 and my brain hasn't gotten the message yet. I'm certain that 2 years ago I was probably a 32DD and now I'm probably a 30F. I feel disgusting, and bitter, and angry, and betrayed, and broken down. I don't like being an adult, and I didn't like being a teenager either, and I haven't had a lot of fun memories, and I'm just losing my way.
But I know I really need to look a the longer wait as a way to try to sort myself out, maybe see a therapist, and try to heal some of my emotional wounds so I am better prepared to view myself in a positive way after all of this. Because right now I am a mess.