I was a fairly late bloomer and was a C cup until...
I was a fairly late bloomer and was a C cup until about the age of 16, but since then they've grown every year. I was perfectly happy and fine at a D cup but they refused to quit, causing me self consciousness, self loathing, insecurities, pain, etc. I almost never wear tight fitting clothing or stand up straight because I just feel foolish or like I'm looking for attention. I always thought I was a 34 DD, until I had a couple bra fittings a couple months ago to find I'm a 32E/F. Not impressed.
I'm 5'9" and about 125 pounds and it just feels disproportionate. I hide them with sports bras and most friends I've had conversations with would have guessed I was a C cup and nothing more. That's how well I strap 'em down. I suffer from chronic back and neck pain (I also have scoliosis, an S curve in my spine that causes muscle pain) but I know these heavy things are only worsening the stress put on my back daily.
I am scheduled for surgery this fall (which is fully covered thank God), and I am nervous as hell, but ready for a change, ready to feel my age. I just want to be more confident in my own body and feel comfortable wearing tighter clothing. I would currently just appreciate any thoughts/ comments from anyone about whether or not this is the best choice ( I believe it to be!) and if they think it will help with my chronic pain or not. Thanks :)
I've given up wearing bras of late because I can't...
I've given up wearing bras of late because I can't deal with the pain at the end of a work day. All I wear now is a wire free pink completely non supportive cotton sports bra that just kind of keeps them from moving around too much I guess but at the end of the day it gives me quite the uni - boob and I'm adjusting a lot. I look forward to the day I can just wear a normal bra and not have my neck and shoulders and upper back in agony after a couple hours at work. I'm getting anxious for these six months to go by! I went bra shopping with a friend the other day at La Senza (a store that doesn't carry my size) but I went along because she needed a new one. The sales lady asked if she could help me find my size and I told her they don't have my size (the closest is a 32DD which I bust out of completely) and she seemed quite perplexed! People aren't aware how I can hide these by pushing them in and shoving them down. Also just wanted to say thank you to those on here who've shared their stories, and understand completely where I'm coming from! It's good to know there are people out there who've shared in the same struggles as me.
I also just want to say that I know some people on...
I also just want to say that I know some people on here have commented on how my boobs are not THAT huge. I know they're not the size of my head, or maybe nearly as big as some women who seek out breast reductions. But that doesn't mean that I don't check off every single qualification for any one else who is seeking one out. This is a typical list of questions for who qualifies for a breast reduction. No matter what size a woman; in relation to her chest, if she can answer yes to most of these questions then there is no question in my mind this is the right thing to do.
Have you been to the doctor several times over (at least) the past year due to back, shoulder, or neck pain? YES
Are you consistently prescribed medication to help you deal with the pain? YES
Do you have constant red groove marks on your shoulders where your bra sets? YES
Do you get a frequent rash under your breasts? YES
Do your breasts hang low? YES
Do you have stretch marks around the tops of your breasts where the skin has been stretched under the weight of them? YES
Is your posture affected due to the size of your breasts? YES
Is it difficult for you to participate in sports? YES
Is it difficult to find bras in your size? YES
Have your breasts caused you unwanted attention and self-consciousness? YES
and Most importantly, are your breasts causing you emotional distress or depression? YES
The Waiting is the Hardest Part...
The Waiting is the Hardest Part...
Lately it's getting harder and harder and I've only been waiting for a month or so. To think I've still got atleast half a year of waiting to go! I just feel like rambling a little tonight..
I've always been a sensitive very self conscious and self aware person. Always. I feel like most women my age enjoy their breasts, as one of their most feminine features; whether they are small or large. I feel like they probably don't affect their every day life, and when they want to dress up, dress down, wear a tank top and shorts in the summer when it's +30 outside; their breasts aren't something that deters them or that are even a factor in this process. That's different for me. I'm always aware. I don't stand straight. I have bad posture because of this. I don't stand tall and proud. I let me shoulders curve in a bit to try and hide, to try and curl into myself. Most days after I get dressed I still look in the mirror, turn to the side, stand up real staight and I look at my body. I like my height, I like being tall. I like my broad shoulders, my small waist, my slim hips, little bum, skinny legs. I have a perfectly fine body image and I have a real problem when some people think that women who want this procedure are doing so because they've been brainwashed into a bad self image because of the media. I have a good self image. Better now than any other time before in my life. I love my body, it is my temple. I eat well, exercise and treat myself with respect. But even with all of this, the struggle of carrying around this size chest on my frame is a hurdle I've deemed unfair and unsuitable for me. I don't want to try to learn to love it, because I have for years. I know that something like this only gets worse (and larger) with time and years. I'm young. I want to feel youthful and sexy. I don't want to base my wardrobe around trying not to look like a hoochie.
Knowing know that I'm getting this procedure done has taught me a few things about myself that I did not know before, maybe some things I'm not so proud to admit..
My boyfriend of 3 and a half years is very loving and very supportive and hasn't given me one reason to think he wouldn't be okay with me going through with this procedure. He knows they will look scary at first. He knows I will have scars and to what extent they will fade and that they'll always be there. He knows I'm doing this for myself and he's seen my frustration and my back pain every day that he's been with me. He knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have children with me and he knows this is the best decision for me in the long run, and also that it'll keep them perky and uppity for longer as well. (I mean if I've noticed a definite sag from the age of 17 to now; 22, then I know they'll sit lower still ten, twenty years from now)
Yet I still find myself seeking constant reassurance from him to make sure that he's still going to find me attractive and going to want me. To the point that it's probably starting to drive him a little crazy. I mean he loves my big boobs. He loves big boobs in general. I use them as a sexual ploy to get his attention half the time. I'm not going to have that when they're gone and I joke that I'll have to shake my butt in his face a lot more instead. I'm not trying to be inappropriate here so I hope no one is taking it that way. Regardless. I have very vivid dreams at night. I've had nightmares where I have the procedure and they leave me with nothing, not even an A cup. I've had nightmares where I wake up and they look the exact same size, not smaller at all but still with the scars.
I've got a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The angel is the good, healthy, supportive and loving side of my mind. Reassuring me, comforting me, telling me it's all alright. The Devil on my shoulder has been created strictly by the media and by men and boys that I've known. Voices that has stuck to the inside of my skull like hot glue. He's a smug bastard who sneaks in, and keeps telling me the size of my chest is relative to the size of my worth as a woman, as a person. And that by taking away this part of myself I'm taking away the part of me that's worth the most to the opposite sex. Worth more than anything else about me. Worth more than my intelligence or my smile or my compassion or my thoughts and dreams. It's so wrong I know, and I don't understand how there's even a tiny portion of my brain that feels this way! I despise it! These years that I've been prodded and praised and loved for my big boobs by these men that I've dated. This media that is in your face every single day. Men and love and women and big tits and lust and beauty. They throw every one of those things in a big box and jumble it all around until you don't know the difference anymore between it all. I
I get angry too. When a commercial on tv comes on, or a show, or anything portraying a woman will a full bust in a low cut top, whether she's selling sex to sell a product or catching mens attention. I change the channel even. It's absurd! I get angry about men a lot. While I know not all men are the same and they're not all bad sometimes I have a hard time telling myself so. I've dated a lot of bad ones and have a lot of reason to believe that it's true that men really are all pigs. Every last one of them. They don't want brains or love or commitment or laughs. They just want a big pair of boobs in their face. I worry that by taking this one thing away from my boyfriend, (the one thing I've been brainwashed to think every single man wants in life) I worry he won't look at me the same, or that I won't be as sexy to him. Sometimes I'll obsessively search nude women with the same measurements weight and height as me with a B or C cup just to get excited and I'll show my boyfriend saying, "See see! this is what I'll look like! You think that looks good right?? See small boobs can be great too right?? Right?" and he always laughs and says "Yes yes! ofcourse I know! Stop worrying!!" but God I'm so neurotic. I wish that I had have sought out this procedure when I was single and cared mainly about my opinion and didn't have to get so neurotic about a significant others possible unspoken and scary thoughts..
I'm not for one moment having doubts about this at all. I want it 100% and that's not going to change. I just wasn't aware of the flood of emotions that would come along with it, even pre - op. It's a real journey isn't it ladies! :)
my back is killing me
ready for this reduction! asap. gahhhhh
So I've had a couple of unforeseen setbacks...
My boyfriend of 3 and a half years. I found all this wonderful porn stuff on his computer. A tumblr he made and religiously had been updating daily for the past year or year and a half or so. All about huge boobs and how much he loves them. The title of the blog was something stupid like GoodGodILoveBigTits or something stupid like that. Just filled with pictures of huge boobs, natural ones, lots of fake plastic looking ones. Basically, the opposite of how my boobs are going to look. As If I wasn't feeling concerned enough.
And if that wasn't a blow to the gut enough. Turns out he had also been using this porn site for the past year and a half, atleast, maybe longer. Online video chat site. He had paid for one on one videos with these gross disgusting whorish looking girls with huge fake plastic looking boobs. You know, one on one videos, where he gets them to do whatever he wants. and I got to see all the chat history with him and all these girls. Him calling them babe, love, beautiful, sexy,.. things that should have been reserved only for me. These women looked nothing like me. And the one that he talked to the most, and spent money on the most for one on one videos, looks nothing like me. brunnette, ton of makeup, really unnatural looking boobs, a twat that looks tiny like a ten year olds. I found her hideous. I don't understand why. I don't have a lot of self confidence, but I know that I am more beautiful than her, inside and out, but still, my low self confidence has gone even lower. I am disgusted with him for making me feel that I am not enough. I have since not been able to get my images of her and her stupid voice out of my hear.
My anger... I cannot explain my anger. I have borderline personality disorder, and I think that makes it even harder for me to deal with my emotions in a situation like this. I have good days, but most days I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My view of him, is different, judgmental and changed for the worse. And for now, my view of men is different, judgmental, and changed for the worse (Not that it was in a good place to begin with). I feel that all or atleast most men, are only concerned with what material they're going to jack off to that day and atleast 50% of the time all they're thinking about are their cocks, or porn, or sluts, or huge fake tits and nasty women with painted faces and no moral compass. I think all men want a beautiful girl, to fill the void of love, compassion and warmth. And then on the side they also want or have this need to fill some void with porn, this carnal need for whores. It confuses me to no end, because I've never had a need to go look at cocks or talk to other men online. I don't think I can trust him again, or any man. I feel that I am trapped to be with him, and try to forgive him for this, or just follow a life of bad love affairs where I continue to get hurt in the same way. If I stay with him, how am I ever going to trust? Or feel that I am enough? If I wasn't enough with my huge boobs that he loves, and he still needed this shit on the side, how will I ever feel that I am enough when I have small boobs with scars??? I honestly think that because of this I may need to get back into therapy. ( I was seeing a shrink on and off from the ages of 17-20) . I have never felt, lower, and less physically attractive, and more insecure and taken advantage of, and just sickened, than I do right now at this point in life. How it is that someone who loves me, could put me in this state, I do not know. And if anyone wants to comment about how all men watch porn, and try to tell me that what he did is normal and ok, then please reserve your comment.
Aside from all this. I called my surgeons office, and asked the receptionist if she had a better idea for me of when this fall my surgery would be... September, October or November. and she laughed and said 'oh? It's a 12 month wait dear' no reservation or concern in her voice or apology or anything. I told her that the surgeon told me it was a 6-8 month wait, and she said ' No he was wrong its a 12 month wait'. She gave me a number to call the head of surgery at the hospital here, so I called her and she then informed me that it's actually a 12-14 month wait. This means that I won't have my surgery until February-April 2014. More months of mental torture.
Oh! and because of all this stress, I've gained 5-10 pounds and I'm pretty damn positive my boobs have actually gotten bigger. I'm almost 23 and my brain hasn't gotten the message yet. I'm certain that 2 years ago I was probably a 32DD and now I'm probably a 30F. I feel disgusting, and bitter, and angry, and betrayed, and broken down. I don't like being an adult, and I didn't like being a teenager either, and I haven't had a lot of fun memories, and I'm just losing my way.
But I know I really need to look a the longer wait as a way to try to sort myself out, maybe see a therapist, and try to heal some of my emotional wounds so I am better prepared to view myself in a positive way after all of this. Because right now I am a mess.
Hello Ladies !
Well here I am. A little over a year since I last updated, and 5 months post op! Yep, I made it to the other side folks!
For anyone who was following my review sorry I pretty much abandoned my story for a while. I was going through quite a rough patch (which may have been obvious). I also got rid of my pictures on here as I became more and more paranoid after more people I knew heard about me having the surgery. I tied too many things on here with my personal life which could help people identify me, and you unfortunately can't delete any of your posts! I now regret saying so much on here about what I was going through and wish I hadn't done that. I don't know why I did. I didn't want anyones pity or advice really! I guess I don't have many friends and was looking for somewhere to vent.
I'm not really sure where to begin here! Feels kind of overwhelming, but my story is good so I want to share. I will start with the surgery itself.
My surgery was on Friday April 11th. I stayed at my parents the night before so my mom could drive me in the morning ( to the hospital). I was very very excited and very very terrified... but it was too the point where my brain kind of just went numb and I was able to stay strong for the most part and just push the fear to the back of my mind.
We got to the hospital and had to sit in a waiting room for about ten minutes, then we went to a small private room with its own bathroom and waited there for about ten minutes. Then a nurse came and got me and had me change into a hospital gown and had to get information from me and weighed me. When she weighed me she looked at the number, had me step off, then step back on again. It made me nervous as hell! I'm 5'9'' and on that morning I weighed about 124lbs, which is NOT underweight it is a healthy weight but it is on the lower end I realize. I thought Oh My God if she tells me I need to gain ten pounds before I can have this surgery done I am going to cry. That didn't happen thank goodness!
Then my surgeon came in to draw the markings on me. First he looked at the bra that I had bought that he had requested and I brought the WRONG kind. He asked that I bring a small sports bra that closed in the back and I brought one that closed in the front. I felt so stupid I wanted to cry! Thankfully my apartment is only a 7 minute drive away and I had the right kind there, so my mom told the surgeon she could go grab it for us. He said that was fine and told me that if she left right away, she would be back in time to give me a hug and say goodbye to me before I went to the operating room (which was very important to me, I've never had surgery before!)
So she left in a hurry to get the bra. The surgeon marked me up. He told me to sit real straight for him. I was on the hospital bed sitting with my legs straight down towards the floor and he was on his knees on the floor between my legs in front of me which felt kind of awkward and silly. What a strange job he has. He kept pushing my left shoulder down, then he said 'can you sit a little straighter?' and I told him I have scoliosis (which is why my left shoulder sits up a little higher, most everyone doesn't even notice it because my scoliosis is mild, but he has a trained eye). He laughed really hard and said 'Oh!' and it put me at ease a little more. He asked me if I had any last questions, and I only firmly requested to him that I want to be on the smaller side (full B small C) and that I really don't want to be fitting into ANY D cup bras in any brand after all of this. He told me he would do his best to do that for me and that he would try to make them more symmetrical for me but that my because of my scoliosis the symmetry in size won't be perfect (which I didn't understand but whatever).
He left the room and five minutes later a nurse came to get me to bring me to the operating room, BEFORE my mom had returned with the bra. I wanted to cry! I stayed strong though. She brought me down what felt like the longest damn hallway in the world. I am a very fast walker, I will add. No matter what I'm doing or where I am going I tend to walk like I'm on a mission and I have long legs. This nurse was shorter than me and she was walking me down the hallway really slow and I was like OMG. It drove me crazy.
We go to the operating room and all I could think about was my mom and if she had gotten back and was upset that she didn't get to say bye to me and I wasn't so much worrying about myself anymore, just worrying that she may be worrying about me!
The room was really bright. They laid me down on a table and put the I.V. in my hand which hurt a little but it was ok really. There were 3 women. One was by my side, monitoring me. She put a mask thing over my mouth which gave me oxygen. Once I was all hooked up to the machines I could hear my heartbeat beep beep beeping out of the machine into the room. It seemed loud and I felt like I was in a strange dream. There were two other women to the right and I turned my head over to see what they were doing and then realized they were going through all the knives and scalpels and tools counting and cleaning them or something. It freaked me out a little so I said to myself 'ok nope, not gonna look over there'. Straight ahead to the back left corner of the room was my surgeon sitting at a desk filling out papers. I started to feel funny about only being in the hospital gown with my naked back and bum on this table chair thing and was wondering if they would need to pull the whole thing off me during surgery or if they would see me naked? Then I decided not to worry about it he was going to slice my boobs open what do I care if he sees the rest of me he is a professional. The nurse that was right with me told me all of a sudden I was going to feel more calm. I don't know what she gave me, but I did. Felt kind of smiley. Then I don't even remember her telling me I was going to fall asleep or counting back from ten or anything all of a sudden I was just gone!
When I woke up the first time I was in a large room where everyone was in beds and just separated by curtains. All I remember was being in a lot of pain. A nurse came over to check on me and asked me how I was doing and all I could muster to say was ' paaaaaaaaainnnnnn'. She said 'ok I'm going to up your morphine' and I fell back asleep.
When I woke up the second time I was back in my private room with the bathoom. I opened my eyes and saw my boyfriend and my mom and I was so happy to see my mom I wanted to cry. The morphine, dilaudid and tylenol 3's had me so damn out of it. I mean like outer space. I really liked that though. The feeling of having no care in the world and having other people looking after me. I felt like a baby haha. My boyfriend handed me a teddy bear and it was so cute. I kept trying to sit up but every time I tried I got so nauseous. So I had to stay laying down. I had apple juice with ice that I could drink, which I did then I had to pee. a nurse came to help me try to stand. I made it ten steps into the bathroom, sat down and peed, then when I stood back up everything went black and I started to fall over, the nurse caught me and held my arm and I sort of sat crouching on the ground for a minute almost vomiting. Then my sight came back kind of fuzzy enough to make it back to the bed and lie back down. Then they had to up my gravol and the nurse said 'It's all the drugs really affecting you because you're just a little fart!' and that made me laugh and I tried not to move my chest when I laughed because it hurt.
I had to stay at the hospital for about 6 hrs or so (it's kind of foggy in my memory now) after the surgery until I got the okay to leave. My surgeon came in to check on me once, and gave me a prescription for tylenol three ( I already had a bottle at home because I take them for back pain so I didn't need to use the prescription he wrote). He told me to try not to take any tylenol 3 if I didnt need to, and to just alternate every 4-6 hours between regular tylenol and regular advil. Which terrified me and sounded insane! I mean HELLO you just sliced my tits open and yanked half of them out of me and stitched me back together and I'm supposed to take regular tylenol!? When I did leave I left via wheelchair because I wasn't quite steady enough for walking.
I did end up taking two tylenol 3's, but only 2 or 3 times surprisingly in the first two days when the pain was the worst but other than that I did pretty good I think. My boyfriend stayed with me at my parents the first night and we went downstairs in the evening to watch tv and after being downstairs for ten minutes I started to feel like I might pass out. I rushed up the stairs in a panic (WAY too quick) because my parents were upstairs in bed sleeping and I wanted to be up there incase I needed my mom. My boyfriend was right behind me telling me to slow it down but I didn't listen and by the time I got to the top of the stairs everything went black again and he grabbed me/ guided me three more steps into a rocking chair. He said I went completely white.
So the next morning when we had to go back to the hospital my dad and boyfriend came with me and pushed me in a wheelchair and when we met with my surgeon he asked me what the heck I was doing in a wheelchair and told me he performed the surgery on my chest not my legs. He was right, but he didn't know that I had almost passed out twice and that I was scared about that. I explained that to him and he said I should be ok to walk now and to keep living my life and doing most things normally and that I could even lift some things and that he frowns upon people making a bigger deal out of things than they need to. He intimidates the heck out of me. He's a tall man, and I mean.. he's a surgeon! Rich powerful smart and kind of overbearing demeanor, you know? Anyway he changed my bandaging and told me everything looks great and that I was to leave the bandages on for two weeks until I saw him again and only take sponge baths. That's right, I didn't get to see my new breasts for two weeks! I was upset about it at first but then relieved because I knew they might freak me out anyway.
I have to add, that I've had chronic back pain for about six years now, and being off work for two months my back pain was little to none and it was amazing and heavenly and I was happy and my family and close ones noticed a shift in my moods and the way I was and I felt like life was a little brighter. Anyone with chronic pain can understand this. My pain was gone for TWO MONTHS and I was in heaven! ( Then I returned to work and it all came back. My scoliosis really affects the muscles next to my spine and the work that I do is too straining, which pisses me off because I like what I do and I'm good at it !) So removing the weight of my chest didn't help my back pain really. Being off work did.. what does that tell me.. I need a new job, I just don't want one! It sucks. Some people who heard about me still having back pain responded with 'oh, even after going through that surgery??? ouch' Well you know that's not the main reason I had the surgery in the first place, I was just hoping that it would help with that. Ya win some ya lose some I guess everyone is given their struggles in life.
In the two weeks before I saw my surgeon I stayed with my parents (for the first week) and my mom is really so amazing and I'm so lucky and grateful I have two wonderful parents like I do. She looked after me and made sure I was eating right and taking my vitamins and drinking enough water. All I could do was admire my figure in the mirror and how I looked the size that I was meant to be all along and wonder what they looked like with excitement and worry. I peeked down through the bandages and saw that my nipples were both there, intact, still pink, much higher up, and I poked both of them and had full sensation in both of them which was a huge relief. When I came back to my apartment my boyfriend washed my hair for me and he was really amazing too. When I had my appointment with my surgeon 2 weeks post op, he took off my bandages and my tape and said everything looks great and he didn't have me stand or look in a mirror or anything and helped me put my bra and shirt back on. So I walked the half hour walk back home with my breasts feeling so naked without the bandages on them and so stiff and funny, anxiously waiting to get home so I could finally see them. I thought that when I did I might cry, and was honestly expecting it from myself because I'm an emotional person and I knew it would be weird and hard to see my boobs bruised and swollen and stitched up. I didn't cry! I smiled a hell of a lot though!!
They were real swollen for the first month or two and I was still fitting one of my younger sisters old D cup bras which had me worried. But they went down a lot and I am now what I would say is a full B, small C. ( Although the week before that time of the month I would venture to say that I could fit in a D in certain brands. I've always swelled up almost a full cup size before that time of the month and I hate it)
I LOVE my new boobs. This is the me I was supposed to be, this is the body I was supposed to have! They're the same size now as they were when I was 14 :)
I am a perfectionist so I don't like that the left is still a bit larger than my right but I know that happens with a lot of people and I'm trying to accept it as just a small imperfection and not look at it in the bigger picture of things. Sometimes I look down at them and I think they've grown. I get bad body dysmorphia (is that the right word?) and it puts me in a real bad mood sometimes. I was anorexic for a year when I was younger and have always had a hard time with my self image and my body. I've taken plenty of pictures (I take them pretty much weekly), so that if there are any changes in size I can see by comparing pictures. So when I feel paranoid and think they've gotten bigger, I take a few pictures and compare them to pictures from a month or two months or three months ago and realize that they're the exact same size and feel silly. I think part of that too is that they're more natural now, and sitting in a more natural position. It's also funny to have them so perky and look down and they're right there in my face now instead of half way down my torso! lol
I also thing that some of my scars underneath are beginning to get hyper trophic and it bothers me but I know it's a small price to pay. I just didn't think that with my age and eating right and taking care of myself that I would have scars like that but it could just be my genes. I've never had any major deep scars in my life to get any idea of how I might scar. I use Kelo Cote Silicone gel twice a day religiously and have been since about 6 weeks post op and I'm hoping it will make a difference but I don't know really.
ANYWAY I think that's enough of a story for now! I will update with more if I think of more things I need to add. Thank you guys for your support !
(and if anyone is wondering I am still with my boyfriend trying to work things out and I am TRYING very hard at this thing they call forgiveness. I don't know how well it's working out but I love him a lot and he treats me very good and has done a lot of things to try to show me that he won't hurt me like that again. I don't know if I believe him or not to be honest I don't think I do most of the time. I won't go into detail, but I haven't exactly been the perfect girlfriend in the 4 years and 6 months we've lived and been together. No one is perfect.. especially me. I won't go into things any further. I know some people may not agree with me sticking by his side but that's ok.
I'm going to add a few pictures here too, just some I'm comfortable with.
I decided to add these pictures because this is my life and this is my story and I don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed about it!