So not much of a review up-date so much as sharing a bit of a revelation I had, that I think might be helpful to others.
Firstly I needed to make a change in how I was spending my time since the surgery. I took a good amount of time off of work and since I work for myself it has been very hard for me to get back into the flow of things and not just spend hours searching the internet for similar breast augmentation cases and reading other people experiences. On one hand this site is the best thing that ever happened to me since getting the courage to finally get implants. I have gotten so much perspective and support and good information, I don't know how women do it without a resource like this! And I have a great affinity for all the women I have gotten to know here, it truly is such a blessing! On the other hand it really enables me to spend hours obsessing over something that can only be working out in time. lol. And while I know, logically that that is the case, somehow I still find myself searching time and time again for girls further along like it's somehow going to change my outcome. very strange.
So I have spent some time trying to get myself out of this strange mental cycle so I can get back to normal life and let the time pass and do its thing and I got to thinking about Fake vs. Natural. Mostly because I realize it is something I am pretty concerned with and I don't think I'm alone in this. I also have marveled at women who are looking for a "fake" look or are at least confident and comfortable with their "boobjob" happy to share the news with everyone. I'm realizing that I don't necessarily need to feel like they are the realest of real boobs ever, they clearly aren't and won't ever be, lol, but rather that I want to be able to "own" them. Feel comfortable no matter what people think about their origins. And that, of course, boils down to a confidence issue in general.
There was a part of me that was trying to "own" the no boob thing and was hoping with time I would just get used to it. And frankly I never did, no matter how many beautiful role models I had, or adoring small boob fans (yes they are out there!:) I was never really comfortable or felt the way I wanted. But I wonder if my obsessing about something I can't really change then is no different than my issue with looking "natural" now. Before it was masking that I am soooooo super flat, and really feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I simply had no breasts, and I don't want it to now be the same thing just about them being fake. And I'm not saying I regret the boob job, actually I think it is one of the best things I have ever decided to do for my confidence and for the practicality of having a proportionate body. Even at their odd stage right now! But I'd really like to get to the bottom of it so I can enjoy them to their fullest. And if anyone has find a similar issues in themselves I've like to hear and see how you have approached remedying it:)
I can say in this little soul search that and two experiences keep popping up that I think had more of an impact on me than I thought, and the people involved probably don't realize it and addressing it will be a good thing for both of us.
First one was something that one of my business partners said to me. He and I met on a dating site many years ago, the relationship didn't work but we were later able to build a great company and in a lot of ways having been "together" has helped us deal with some of the harder conversations that have to happen in a business because we were already so comfortable with each other. That being said we also sometimes have not so professional conversations and I happen to know he is a "natural" boob guy who likes smaller boobs. Was a pretty good fit for me, at the time. lol.
Anyhow, one time he said to me "the moment I see that boobs are fake, I am immediately turned off and not interested". That was fine with me at the time because I didn't have them, I realize now that it did make me feel like I would be less attractive if I had fake boobs and it was clear that they were fake. I didn't think much about it though and now I am realizing that that is such a dick thing to say or be for that matter! lol, what a broad judgment to make about something so unrelated to the person they are!? That really diminishes a girl to just her breasts and decisions about them that no one can truly understand especially some random dude.
Honestly, I feel a bit foolish that as an active feminist in 2014 that wasn't my first reaction but since I think I judged myself for being flat it didn't raise any red flags. Thats so F^&**ed up! Here is the thing, he is actually a nice guy, compassionate and sweet so it made it extra confusing and I guess upsetting that some one who is otherwise not superficial could completely cut some one off just for having implants. It scared me I think. So for one, it got me thinking that, hey maybe he isn't as non-judgmental as I had thought, or he has never thought about how sexist and shitty that line of thinking is. Secondly it makes me think that I'm no different when I obsess over looking "natural". Why? What is it about them being "done" that makes me feel like they are not as great as real boobs that are just as beautiful? And I'm still me in the end anyhow. I know its simple, but these two things can become conflated more easily than, well, I ever thought! So taking this a part a bit has actually made me feel a lot better and I think talking to him about how it affected me will help, too. Any insights ladies?
The second experience was with a female friend of mine about 2 weeks before my surgery. This is a friend who is very VERY vocal feminist , somewhat heavyset, top-heavy burlesque dancer. She chooses not to shave and is quick to point out when something is sexist. And I appreciate it and love having aware critical thinkers in my life. She is great:) So we were chatting about Dita Von Teese, who I have loved forever, she is such a talented beautiful woman and brought striptease and pinup to a classy, accepted place which I love. And she started saying that she had drawn so much courage and self-acceptance from Dita early on in her burlesque career but that she lost respect for her when she found out that she had breast implants. Wow! I was thrown. I was just about to tell her about my surgery and I immediately felt uncomfortable sharing it with her. I also was like "Hell yeah! Dita has implants!? She looks amazing, I'm pysched I'm gettin' me some!" lol. But I was in such shock I couldn't really pull apart why it was upsetting to me. Now I think it's that it's one thing to believe that we don't NEED to alter ourselves to be beautiful and accepted by other people, or we are somehow less valuable without certain measurements etc., but it's another to lose respect for women who chooses to make changes. Also, I truly believe that Dita would NOT have made it to where see is today without her perfect pinup boobs, so ... well, that does carry some weight, I think. lol. So if a guy is a douche enough to think less of me because I had plastic surgery, good riddance, it's 100% my luck in that the case, but a friend of mine who a have great respect for....that's harder to swallow.
So I'm going to digress for a moment, so bare with me. I grew up a perfectionist. Or rather I have been PLAGUED with perfectionism my whole life. And in a lot of ways it has been to my benefit. I can't take credit for much of the success I've had, I have been very fortunate with my circumstances, but I can say being a perfectionist pushed me to do more than just lean on my luck. What it also did though was make it very hard to feel accomplished or allow me to relish what success I did manage because I was never satisfied. It was never good enough. (seeing a theme here yet?, lol). That being said I've been working on it and have learned to accept imperfection not only in myself but also in others. And thank god for that because the last decade has been pretty full of failure and struggle on many levels for me and while I now see that as human, had I not let go of becoming "perfect" in my early twenties, this would have been more devastating than I could have handled. To give you a peek: I thought people who had dysfunctional relationships were "messed up": have since found myself in at least 2 pretty bad ones, I labeled people with misbehaving dogs bad owners: have a dog that bites and has anxiety issues, I thought being your own boss worked for anyone who wasn't lazy: have since had 2 failed businesses. That's just a taste. Now while there are elements of truth in some if this, for instance, the likelihood that some one with unaddressed issues is gonna end up in a dysfunctional relationship is certainly high, I learned first hand that life happens...to everyone! And it's simply not black and white why or what that means about them, but that the struggle is equally painful for everyone. So my own hardships made me more and more comfortable and tolerant with things and people as being continuous "works in progress" or just human. And still be able to enjoy the ride.
I felt I needed to say this because before realizing this about myself I was pretty judgmental. I didn't mean to be I just had had very little experience with struggle and my circumstances made it easy to strive for "perfect". And, while I still have a good ways to go, I did learn that people without experience of hardship may not have compassion for those who are not as fortunate and it doesn't make them assholes, it just is what it is.
So it's hard for me to look at anyone and think that their opinions make them dicks, even though now looking at these two example I feel like "gezz, that's a dick way to view things" but I still left with this discrepancy. Great people, dick views.... is there room for being vulnerable and still accepted? And there is a part of me that thinks F*#K em, you don't need to be accepted by anyone, you are great, but the truth is we all want to be accepted and these are two examples of people who if I just wrote them off because of this it would be a loss in my life, too. And then of course there's Dita....
So I guess I'm just thinking I need to brave it out and instead of hiding behind the fear of being rejected and "fake" or in my language "imperfect", and just put it out there and be vocal about my experience. In a way that's what this forum has allowed me to do, I'm very thankful for that. So I'm gonna try this out, and go with the flow.
Hope this wasn't too weird of a rant. I appreciate a place to work this stuff out and hope some one got some value from it.