WAITING FOR MY DAY TO EXPLANT!

Everyone around me has always told me how...

Everyone around me has always told me how beautiful I am. Not to be conceited, I've generally agreed. However, as much as I've loved everything about me, I never truly accepted or loved my 32A breasts. After years of contemplating on getting the surgery, somehow, I managed to talk myself into getting the procedure. I opted for silicone, 350ccs under the muscle, crease incision, and the surgery was performed successfully, without any real side effects (nausea, pain, etc) only one week ago one 3/7/2013. I cannot help but believe that I made a HUGE HUGE mistake.

Let me reiterate that I have not had any complications with the surgery at all. I didn't even have much pain or nausea with the surgery. Although my breasts are somewhat swollen, my breasts do not look bad. However, I just don't feel like me. I didn't have much support in getting the surgery prior to going under, and now I have less support--people are seriously mad at me for proceeding! I wish I would have listened to everyone who told me not to go through. I feel awkward and heavy and am feeling really uncomfortable. When I raise my hands, I have a huge crater underneath my armpits. Believe it or not, I feel less beautiful. I see women with small breasts and I actually cannot figure out why I got a BA in the first place. I'm contemplating taking the implants out... I didn't think I would ever say this, but even with all the research I did on BAs I wish I would have thought more about what the procedure would do to me emotionally vs physically.

It has been 11 days since my BA. I still feel the...

It has been 11 days since my BA. I still feel the same way about my procedure. I have yet to see my doctor. In my spare time I have been researching breast explants online and on RealSelf, and have been really encouraged and inspired by the stories I have read here. I don't have much else to report at this point, but will continue to provide updates....

I'm slowly starting to forgive myself for going...

I'm slowly starting to forgive myself for going through with my procedure. I'm still not thrilled about it, but there is nothing that I can do about it right now. Guessing from the looks of things on RealSelf, it will cost anywhere from $5,000 to $7,000 for an explant, which I have to begin saving up. I'm not sure how long it will take me.

Today, it has been exactly two weeks, one day since the surgery. I do have some shooting pains in the left breast from time to time, but aside from that, no other problems. Although I can raise both hands, I'm still really uncomfortable. Sleeping is still difficult, but I am now able to sleep on my right side, not just on my back. My breasts are much much softer, but may still have some softening to go. I definitely don't think that they feel like breast tissue, but I didn't expect them to.....They definitely feel like two bags on my chest....I will post pictures soon....

I've been trying to reach my PS without any luck.....

I've been trying to reach my PS without any luck...From my own personal research online, I believe I am developing Mondor's cords....Just my luck. I'm definitely back to hating myself again.....

Breast implants are so stupid, I just want them...

Breast implants are so stupid, I just want them out of my life for good. As long as I have them, they will literally eat me up on the inside....

Today is exactly one month since my surgery. ...

Today is exactly one month since my surgery. (Sigh). I was finally able to meet with my surgeon vs one of his staff members/nurses. I discussed with him how I'm feeling, specifically that I just don't like the implants and wish I hadn't done it. I even told him that I wanted an explant. He was really sweet in his response, but as I anticipated, he was against it, and basically tried to convince me not to go forward with an explant. He didn't recommend going smaller or anything, he just tried to convince me not to go forward with an explant. He also tried to tell me that I was in a sort of "post-op depression stage" which apparently, women sometimes get after BAs. Honestly, I don't feel depressed at all, just angry at myself for even putting myself through the surgery in the first place, so I guess my feelings since my first couple of entries haven't changed.

Physically, my boobs are smaller than they were immediately post op and I am sooo happy for that! I'm not really that big, but I wish I would have gone smaller (YES I SAID SMALLER). Previously I was a 32A, right now, I'm measuring at a 34C. I think that my new boobs look super fake and unnatural. I mean obviously they are fake, BUT I think that they look even more fake than the average person primarily because my PS decided to use high profiles--even after I expressed that I didn't want them, and that I thought that the high profile implants would look more fake than others.....And everytime I look at myself and think about it I get angry....

Anyway, one good did come out of the conversation with my PS: My PS did agree to take the implants out for free if I so chose...But I have to wait three months, and won't be able to get them out until June. So now I'm just in a stage where I'm waiting.

I've gone back and forth about putting up pictures, but I'm going to post them ASAP....

Just wanted to share a few more things that are...

Just wanted to share a few more things that are upsetting about my surgery.....

(1) I have developed Mondor's Cords......
(2) Scar tissue seems to have accumulated in the bottom of my breasts, and it does feel bumpy....

(3) My scars are still relatively dark, even using Mederma and BioCornem, which my PS gave me immediately following surgery...

I've been beating myself up for the last month...

I've been beating myself up for the last month about my surgery, but this weekend, I wanted to do something different. Instead of sulking around, I tried to embrace my new body. Since the surgery, I've been wearing only sports bras and baggy shirts, but this weekend I wore a slightly low cut shirt. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but I must admit that somehow, it still managed to make me feel really self conscious. Maybe it was all in my head, but after awhile I felt like everyone was looking at my boobs...I just felt that everyone could see the roundness at the top....Before I knew it, I was back to my oversized tee and sports bra, and telling myself that they were too round, too high, too far apart....All of the above. I think I would feel much better if my PS would have used moderate profiles, and went smaller...But it doesn't matter now...I'm definitely looking forward to explanting....No date set yet as I have to wait. It's really hard....

Time feels like it's really crawling. Next week...

Time feels like it's really crawling. Next week will be my two month mark. Still all I've been thinking about is boobs, boobs, boobs. Someone really close to me just learned that they have an autoimmune disorder and in the back of my mind, I can' t help but think I may have opened the door to getting one myself because of getting implants....I don't know if it's in my head, but I also feel like I've been having heart palpitations. Just so super stressed....I'm meeting with my doctor on May 8th and am going to see if I can put together some explant dates

It's been exactly 2 months 1 day since my surgery....

It's been exactly 2 months 1 day since my surgery. I visited my surgeon today....and I told him how I've been feeling about my surgery. He said that after the third month he will explant within a week! Good news. We also discussed the shape of my breasts, and how I thought that they were too high and too round, and very unnatural looking. He agreed. Apparently with the Mondor's Cords, I developed a lot of scar tissue--so much that my implants aren't able to drop. My surgeon now has me wearing a band 24/7 but thinks it might be necessary to go in and surgically remove the scar tissue....So I might as well explant right?

Only Three Months After BA, The Nightmare Continues, Ready For Explant!

As if anything else couldn't go wrong.

I feel like each day I go by, my breasts look worse. They haven't changed much, but they are definitely not dropping. My breasts are still damn near my collar bone! The more I look at it, the more I feel like I have somewhat of a Snoopy Breast Deformity, due to my PS positioning my implants too high! I had small breasts before, but they were really perky and NOT tubular or deformed in any way. I just feel so angry and insecure about my body now, and feel like it has been ruined for good.

I'm not sure I want my PS to do my explant. It doesn't seem as if he cares about my problems, and he makes it seem as if it is my fault that this is happening to me. Seriously, I want to do some more research and sue him.......More on that later

So....

It's late at night and I am up....I haven't been sleeping well lately. Of course I'm thinking about boobs, so I came here. I have to admit, I'm feeling very nervous about my upcoming appointment with my PS....I'm also really nervous about explanting--Not that I don't want to do it--I do, but I'm worried about the surgery. The scars where my incision were made have begun to keloid. They say that African Americans typically keloid, and I've never had that problem before, so seeing this is really a bummer. I'm worried that it will get worse once the area is cut again.

I'm also worried about having to go under anesthesia again. From month one to month two post op, I began experiencing frequent lightheadedness and dizziness. I don't know why.... its been happening....I'm healthy, mid twenties, eat right, exercise, etc and have never had this problem before. My PS said that I could take them out with GA but I'm not sure that will be the case with all the problems I've had post op. So this explant might not be free after all.

Of course I worry about what I will look like, but I don't care anymore. I just want to be happy, healthy, and free. After my explant stage, the only remaining nightmare is paying off the implants......ugh.

I think I will take a break from the site for awhile. I want to share good news next, not more bad news.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE who has visited my page! I really appreciate your kind words and support. It has truly made this difficult experience much easier. xo

Okay So I'm A Little Confused..Help Me!

I am officially three months post op. A few days ago, I saw my PS...And guess what? He is still trying to convince me not to go through with the explant. He is going to charge me to remove them even though he said he wouldn't....Here is the thing: I'm starting to feel confused about my initial surgery. I honestly feel like I made a huge mistake, but I think I'm more angry that I spent money that could LITERALLY have gone towards a down payment on a new car....Or something else I really wanted....And I'm not sure if I really regret the surgery because I really do, or it didn't turn out how I wanted--I got really bad Mondor's Cords (which have resolved slightly) AND I have so much scar tissue that the implants never dropped....I don't know what I would feel if they would have dropped....Some days I feel like paying to have them corrected (removal and correction are about the same price)...Other days I just want to forget about it because I'm so unhappy with everything and this surgery....How I was treated by the staff/nurses during surgery....Spending money (and now really needing it).....Getting an ugly scar.....The implants never dropping..... I just don't know...Help! What should I do?? Has anyone felt this way?

Absolutely Going For An Explant

So I've done some more thinking, and of course I am absolutely going with the explant. I was able to get some opinions from other surgeons, and the consensus is that I would need a revision and to redo the pockets JUST LIKE I TOLD MY DAMN PS!! (Sorry I am still angry). Unfortunately, I have to go with my original PS because he is still cheaper--most other surgeons want between 6 and 7 thousand just for a removal. I have to save up a little bit of money for my explant, but I am hoping I will have enough by the first week of August. I cannot wait for it to come. I just want to feel good again and be free and happy. The mistake I made will never go away permanently, but at least I can do my best to fix it....And I will.

No Changes

It's now been 5 months since my BA...No changes at all in shape. I still want to explant but the money situation is hard....I think I'm going to finance it and make payments and worry about it later....Everyday I have nightmares about my implants....I keep dreaming that my implants have ruptured even though its only been a short time...ready to put this mess to rest for good
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