Wanting to Remove 11 Week Old Breast Implants

Unfortunately I was in a bad place and not feeling...

Unfortunately I was in a bad place and not feeling good about my body and made the impulsive decision to get breast implants. I literally scheduled the surgery for two weeks after my consultation just so that I would not have the chance to cancel the surgery. I thought somehow that by having breast implants I would fix my self esteem. I thought that men would be more attracted to me, I thought I would feel sexier and better about myself. If anything... I have become more self conscious than I was before. Now when I wear clothes, I am top heavy. It looks like I gained weight. They are bigger than what I asked for, and I try to hide them or not stand too straight because when I stand straight they appear more round and fake. It has been almost three months now and they still look and feel fake to me. They have not dropped very much... I think long term I could tolerate the look of them... but they just don't feel normal. They don't feel normal to the touch, they don't feel normal when I move around. I have flex distortion as well. It's already bad but if it gets any worse I'll really be grossed out. My boobs were tiny before yeah... and I had people tease me about them (part of the reason I got implants). Ironically the people who teased me about them were women and not men. Men never complained about my boobs. Now I realize that they fit my body a lot better before than they do now.

I'm super scared of the emotional roller coaster I'm going to go through getting them removed. I'm scared of having to wear compression garments during the summer and look flat chested. I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision removing them, but I'm scared to keep them too!

What if I'm not in a good place financially ten years down the road and can't afford to have them removed and replaced? What if they leak silicone and damage my body without me being aware of it? What if I want to have children and can't breastfeed?
I spent so much on breast implants when realistically I could have taken a vacation anywhere in the world practically for that amount of money! I didn't need big boobs... I don't even like lots of attention... I don't know why I did this too myself.

4 More Days Until my Consultation!

My consultation for explant is coming up on Monday! I'm nervous for it. I'm nervous because I don't know my dr well enough to know what he's going to say to me... I only spent about 15 minutes with him during the first consult. Wish I would have taken my time and shopped around and talked to different surgeons before proceeding with surgery. Maybe I somehow would have changed my mind instead of rushing into it!
I have to start reminding myself that even if I look okay in clothes... even though I might enjoy these things for a few years... down the road they are just going to become a hassle and I'm better to have them removed sooner than later so that the skin has a good chance of stretching back.
I think I'm going to give myself until some time in July to get the surgery.
A little part of me in the back of my mind is trying to keep them and justify all the money spent.. but I have to just get over that and accept my body for what it is.
I wonder if the implants had less projection and were a little flatter and closer together if I would have been happy with surgery. Maybe I would have... but I am not willing to undergo an entire surgery to correct something like that and risk the chance that it doesn't end up well. Scary!
I think the worst part of all of this is not being able to talk to family and friends about it. I know they will be judgemental and none of this will make sense to them. Oh well this is my decision. I made my bed and I get to lie in it!

On the fence.

Talked to a couple people today about boobs. I can't decide if I want revision surgery or explant :(

Confused?

Today has me really confused! I think I might be starting to accept them/like them. In my head I keep thinking if there's no serious complications.. then maybe I'm being crazy to want to remove them. I'm still going to ask about a revision surgery.. But to be quite honest I would be scared of putting myself through a second surgery :( And what if a second surgery complicated things more? I don't know how I'm going to feel by Monday... I hope I have everything decided on in my head before I talk to the Dr so that I don't seem confused!

I've made my decision :)

I've decided that I'm going to go ahead and have my implants removed as soon as possible. I do not want to give my boobs any more time to stretch out, I want the best chance of them going back to normal and I'm fairly comfortable and certain about my decision.
I'm so blessed to have been given the body that I have. After this whole ordeal, I am no longer going to see myself as a flawed person. We all have our imperfections and that's what makes us unique and beautiful..... Just my thoughts for the night. Will update tmrw :) Thank you ladies for your support on this forum.

Night before consult with Surgeon.

Tmrw afternoon is my appointment to see my surgeon. I know I should be making a list of what I'm going to say to him and what questions I'm going to ask, but I'm not looking forward to it...
I honestly feel exhausted thinking about my breasts and looking at things from every perspective. I almost want it to be straight forward going in there, scheduling explant and getting it done and over with so I can forget about it accept my decision and move on.
I just hope my surgeon can accept some responsibility for my results not being the look that I had originally asked for... I'm tired of thinking about all of this and I don't want to go in there and have to fight to explain things. It's kind of embarrassing too to sit there with your boobs hanging out and tell some guy you barely know and don't feel comfortable with that he did a bad job on them. I kind of wish I had someone to come with me... a part of me just wants the support of someone being there beside me even if they don't say anything.
I guess I'm just feeling a bit worn down.

On a positive note... I am realizing just how much I veered from my true nature.. and just how much I was losing sight of the things that are important in life. Yes... we all want to feel beautiful as women and that is our right... but it starts with inner beauty first....

I've been pretty stubborn so far about therapy.... It hasn't been something I've thought would benefit me... but who knows. I may look into it.

Leaving for consultation in 15 minutes...

I'm really nervous.... I keep looking in the mirror and thinking 'maybe my boobs look okay, maybe this is all in my head?'. I know I'm going to go in there feeling confused which is the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up this morning with this tight feeling in my chest. It was so uncomfortable. I have to stop second guessing myself. I want them out. I do not want repeat surgeries for something cosmetic. There is no such thing as 'perfect boobs'. There is no such thing as a 'perfect body'. This is just something that we construct in our minds so we have something to strive towards, something to obsess about. Everybody's version of 'perfect' is different... It's unhealthy to focus so much on appearances.
Anyways... off to the consult. I don't want to start crying when I'm in there so I took a mild anti-anxiety pill. May still cry.... god I pray I won't!! Sad I did this to myself. Can't wait to put it in the past.

Consultation

Finally done and over with! Teared up a bit but held back from full out crying! Cried a bit on the car ride home though. This is hard to deal with emotionally. It's really hard to not think about it but I know if I obsess over it my mind is just going to go in circles and that's not a healthy thing. Can't help but look at my boobs in clothes and wonder if I'm making the wrong decision... could I actually miss these new boobs? Then I put those thoughts right back in the back of my mind and remember why I wanted them out in the first place. The surgery is not going to cost anything, I think removal is covered by health care thank god for that.
I wanted to do the removal under local anaesthesia because I'm scared of going under general anaesthesia again so soon... but the surgeon said it would be best to do it under general anaesthesia so that he can close the pockets and do some internal stitching. He was nice about it and very straightforward. I'm glad he was kind about it and not judgemental, where I'm at right now I don't think I could have handled being judged. I just don't have it in me to fight back right now.
I called and left a message for a therapist. I hope she's a good fit and I can get in to see her soon. I've been really stressed out I need to do some healing emotionally first before this next surgery.
I'm booked for July 24th but they've put me on a cancellation list in case something comes up sooner. When I was in the consultation the Dr said I might have to wait until September to get them removed so thankfully that didn't end up being the case! The less I get attached to them the better.

Tonight's Thoughts

Sooo I was thinking today and kicking myself over what I could have done with $6700 if I just wanted to blow it.... I've always had this escapist dream where I move somewhere overseas and have a little adventure while I'm still young. I could have done that with $6700. Or maybe upgraded my car to something nicer! Oh well.
The thing I miss about my small boobs is being able to play them up in a padded bra if I want to look sexy, or downplay them in a regular bra for day to day stuff. Now with these big boobs there's only one option: a tight sports bra. Pretty boring. My butt looks even tinier if I wear anything slightly padded!
I'm a little on the chubbier side lately. I guess the plus side of my big boobs is that they make my waist look skinnier so I don't necessarily look as chubby as I would with the small boobs... but once again, my extra padded bras resolved that issue too!
I just want to do some frickin yoga or something. I could probably do it with implants but haven't attempted it yet.... it kind of irks me my boobs would feel super tight like they feel when I stretch my arm up. After I'm healed up from the removal I think I'm going to do a bunch of yoga and tone right up.

Am I going crazy??

I took some more pictures today... I'm wondering if I'm going crazy by spending this much money for something and then having them removed before I get a chance to see the final result. What if I learn to like them?? What if I'd be depressed either way with or without them? What if all this is just in my head and I'm not thinking logically or clearly? UGh. I took some more pictures today to see if there's been any changes.
Maybe I could get used to them? Are they that ugly after all? Are they still too big? Should I downsize? Would that solve a single thing or would I be worse off?
Fml. I can't stand being indecisive. This is my personality. Take me to a restaurant and I'll be the last one to order because everything looks so good that I just can't decide what I want. Story of my life.

Before them

Thought I'd post this quick pic about how they looked in clothes before implants... which was absolutely fine and proportional... not wearing a pushup bra just a regular padded bra.

Exercise

Went for a jog today and it was hard to keep up with the group! Back was feeling sore and I could feel fluid inside implants sloshing around. Very weird feeling. Did yoga afterwards. Neck and back pain as well as a radiating pain down my arm. All the girls were fit and athletic with regular, normal boobs. Most of them were flat! And some of them were really flat but their bodies looked great and fit. Not convinced just yet that keeping them is the best idea.

My thought for tonight....

Once these things are out f me and I'm recovered I'm gonna hit the gym hard and work on having the best ass and legs that I can! They will be so good that having little boobs isn't even gonna matter! Wish my explant was scheduled for tmrw so I could put it all behind me but one more month to go!

Update

So I've spent some time off the site but I thought I'd come back to do an update. I'm really scared to go through with the explant surgery.... I think I'm going to delay it. My breasts have stretched out a lot... I have stretch marks and I don't really think I have the best skin elasticity in the first place which worries me because I don't feel like I'll snap back to normal.
On a positive note... Fearing the explant surgery has gotten me to slowly accept my breast implants for what they are.
If I could go back I definitely would not have gotten them...
I can tell you that they have not changed my life for the better, nor have they opened up any new opportunities for me. They have not improved my self esteem or made me feel better about myself or my physical appearance.
They are just boobs. That's it. They are heavy boobs that get a few extra glances in tight clothing. Nothing special.
I think if I meet someone and decide to have kids down the road (hopefully!) then I will make the decision to have them ex planted prior to breast feeding.
I can only pray that until that time I do not get any complications from them... But I guess in my head as long as I feel like they're not in my body forever and I will be out in the future... Then I can live with them for now. Maybe things will change... I don't know at this point.
I do not love them by any means... But I do not hate them either. Just wish I hadn't done this.

Cancelled my surgery

Just thought I'd post a quick update! I cancelled my surgery and I have decided to keep the implants. I'm beginning to get more comfortable with them. As time has gone by they are starting to look better. One thing that bothered me was how tight they were when I pushed them together. It seems like now the chest muscles have stretched out a bit and allowed them to move a little more freely.
The gap is still there, but they look more natural and some natural big breasted women have gaps in their chests too. I still feel the implants there and I realize they're never gonna compare to real boobs but oh well I will take them as they are and be grateful!
Thank you to all the ladies who have been supportive on here!
I will keep posting progress maybe they will continue to look better in the months to follow.

Boobs are uneven not sure what to do

Well, now that I've decided to keep my boobs, I've taken another picture in better lighting and realized that they are really not even on both sides and the gap is still there. The right breast is fine, but the pocket of the left breast is more laterally dissected (as in the pocket was not made as wide as the pocket of the right breast). I noticed this difference right after surgery but I was going to wait in see what happened and wasn't focusing on the assymettry while I thought I was going to explant. I seriously would hate to go through another surgery... but I wonder what I should do. If he will do the surgery on just the left breast then opens up the pocket a bit and closes the gap a little bit maybe it will be worth it if I'm deciding to keep these things long term? Not sure at this point. I guess I will have to look into reviews for revision surgeries and see what other peoples experiences are. I made a line on picture to kind of show what I mean by how the left boob is positioned differently.

Update

Well I haven't been on here for awhile... Haven't really had much to say. Been missing my old boobs all day today!
I really get annoyed sleeping with breast implants. If I wear a sports bra to bed it's okay, but if I don't wear a bra then I wake up and they feel weird and 'stiff' I really don't know how to describe it properly but I don't like the way they don't flatten out like real boobs I guess that's what I mean. I wake up and they're just there two mounds that don't flatten out and jiggle around like normal boobs. They don't really feel 'real' at all to me. I've been having body image problems lately... Not just the boobs but the whole body...So I guess it's not the best time to start wondering if I want to remove my breast implants or not, I think it will just drive me crazy. In my mind it's not a matter of whether or not I'll remove them, it's just a matter of when I'll remove them. Maybe if I remove them five years down the road then at least I'll have got some of my money's worth! I know it's only a little over four months since I've had them but my old boobs are definitely not the same and never will be. I have stretch marks, I don't have good skin elasticity, the scars are still super noticeable not fading a lot.
I know if I get them removed they're not going back to the way they were what's done is done. I hope I'll have met a great guy within my five year time frame and he can be there to support me through explant. It's hard to go through surgery without a proper support system. Can't do it again so soon. I know some are strong enough to but not this girl! On the plus side, I think I'll know instinctively when the right time to remove them will be. Frick though just thinking about the process of going through it makes me feel anxious. So I'm going to push those thoughts to the back of my mind and go on with life and save it for another time. I have to change around my thinking lately. I don't know why but lately I've been preoccupied thinking about things I can't change about myself and my body... It's really not healthy it makes sad! I feel like I need some attention. I really shouldn't need it to feel better about myself, I just feel like I need it. A guy who's known me for a long time who I was intimate with said 'you didn't even need breast implants I don't know why you got them'. That stung a bit. Oh well I did get them and that is that. I remember a couple years ago I saw this same guy and mentioned breast implants casually and he certainly didn't say back then 'you don't need them' . Oh well. Lesson learnt. Who knows maybe I'll remove them sooner then five years.
On a side note, in more 'secure' times, when I was 23 a girl I worked with said she was getting breast implants. I thought she was crazy for getting a boob job... And I let other people know that. I guess this is what karma feels like.
God why couldn't I have just had slightly bigger natural boobs in the first place?? There I go again with the 'wishful' thinking. Ugh. Enough for today I'm gonna make some tea and go to bed!
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