Anyone have a spouse completely against you having cosmetic surgery?

  • KAMG
  • St. Leonard, MD
  • 3 years ago

I have had 5 children, and my body, I feel shows this. I love my children, but would LOVE to look 'good' again. My husband says he loves the way I am, but this is not about him. So curious how many have gone through with surgery even with apprehension from spouse.?

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I have been with my fiance for 5 years. We have a child together. I made a decision almost 8 years ago that someday id want to have a tummy tuck/liposuction to get my body back. I have always been somewhat thin until i had 3 kids. I made my consultation appointment and the day I made it he told me he didnt support my decision. The only reason he can give menis because its fake and I should work to get what I want. He kept calling me fake and making rude comments to me and trying to bribe me out of doing it. I gave in a couple of days ago because I felt like he was harassing me. Today I looked in the mirror and lost it. I told him i wanted to proceed and he told me it was him or the surgery. Im choosing the surgery because I dont want to be with someone who isnt supportive. He doesnt have to agree or like what I am doing but as a person who loves me and wants to marry me id expect him to let me do something that would make me happy with myself. He would rather give up on me and our family because he doesnt believe in something I do.
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I just wanted to say I'm so sorry he gave you an ultimatum like that. He should want you to be happy in your own skin. I've just started my journey (researching phase) but already I've had extensive conversations with my husband on the subject. He lends me his opinion, but knows that I will make the final decision and he supports that. Though it means little, I fully support you doing something that will make you feel better about you!
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I don't know if my husband supported my decision, but he did bring me to my surgery :). He never saw the negative things that I did so I'm thinking he just let me proceed with what I needed to make myself feel better. He didn't really say out loud he thought it was a good idea, but he didn't say anything negative. I'm pretty independent so he lets me do my own thing. He did pay a lot of money for my surgery and I'm so happy with the results. My scars are barely visible and the skin would not have gone away without the full tummy tuck. I was slender to begin with, so my issue was not excess weight, just saggy skin that wouldn't go away with exercise. I am happy that I had the tummy tuck but I'm also glad I didn't have a negative spouse in the background. He was more quiet than negative I suppose. He is a physician so I would have valued his opinion, but only if it had been supportive. In the end, its my body and my body image so I'm grateful for his silence :)
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well, eversince I am a kid I have a big fat lump in my tummy. whenever my parents sent me for tennis training the trainer scold me, dont bring your tummy out! he has no idea thats how my tummy is. its so sad, I never ever been so slim in my life. my best moment when I was 20 years old, but my tummy is always bulging out. I took drugs in teen, but it still there. I done meso, I done this and that machine, and its still there, and all those money I can pay for lipo. I am quite lucky I have a stable job and I didnt need to ask anyone for a fund, but I need a support which I dont have. now I am with my 8 years partner (im gay) I was in my best moment when I am with her before, I gave up smoking and drinking for her. I left my parents big mansions and work on my own just to be with her. and I am officially the ugliest woman no matter how she said she love me the way I am. I am now almost 80kgs. I cried and cried every months to told her I need to have lipo. she encourage me and talked to me a lot of things about diet and excersice which makes me hates and lose my motivation even more. I just want it gone within 2 hours. its been 29 years I am with this bulding tummy and I had enough of it. now we didn't talk and she said we need to save money for our future, not for lipo. I am very very very sad and depressed. she allowed me to buy expensive purses, shoes and clothes. even send me to the best hair dresser in the country, expensive trips and wonderful eats, but she wont ever allowed me to go under the surgery. my partner cant get fat, she always look beautiful and slim. and new people starting to think I am her mom instead of her partner.
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Anteos..reading your post really made me feel for you. I understand what it is like to feel ugly. You must explain to your partner that feeling ugly and being ugly is different, so no matter how much she tells you that you are beautiful, you still feel ugly. You must tell her that if she doesn't feel this way then she can't truly understand but she should still have compassion and support you in YOUR decision. Be loving but forceful at the same time. Explain to her that you feel that you need to do this but you also need her support. Don't keep telling her that you are ugly because she just doesn't see that (which is a good thing) but keep telling her how ugly you feel. I really hope this helps you. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please let me know how it goes.
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He wasn't against it; he acted like everything was fine and he was even saying stuff about he was behind me 100% and all of this before I had it done. Then I did it and then I got stuff like "well this isn't major surgery, major surgery is like a heart transplant or open heart surgery or taking a kidney out but not a tt. Then not but 2 weeks after I had the surgery he starts yelling at me saying he's not doing this anymore and that he wants to go see a lawyer for a divorce. All while I'm trying to recover and all because the kids are looking to me for everything and he thinks that they can pretty much take care of themselves (my kids are 10 and 11). I would say that if you want to have this done better be sure that your husband is on board with this and that he's not going to flip a switch and decide he's going to flake out on you. That's what happened to me. We had problems before but the surgery just magnified them 100% more. I would think that one would have to have a pretty stable marriage and know the other person really well before undertaking such a task. Needless to say I regret this decision now (having surgery) but there really isn't anything I can do about it now. What's done is done.
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I didn't want to read and not respond. I am so sorry this happened to you. You are so much better off without a guy like that. Big hugs!
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My husband did the same thing, supportive before, and then flipped a switch after. We also had problems before, which this magnified. And shortly after the surgery I regretted the decision too as you are now. For me, I am very happy now that I did the surgery. I realize that our problems were there anyway, and if it hadn't been this surgery it would have been something else that would have magnified them. So I don't blame the surgery for our marriage problems. And now that my scar has healed, and I look GREAT, I also feel great and am glad I did this for ME. I hope you come to feel that way too eventually. As far as my marriage, we're working on that and we'll see what happens. But it's been 2 years for me since the surgery, so I know it can be a long process. In a way, this surgery has forced us to deal with these issues so I think that's a good thing. Good luck to you keaton, I do hope given a little time you'll feel better. Don't get discouraged too soon, it IS a major surgery to get over and it can cause a roller coaster of emotions. Once you are recovered and looking great, you'll have better perspective. Keep us updated and know we're here for you!!!
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It sounds like your husband is insecure & you having surgery to make yourself look better has magnified his fears & insecurities. Him threatening divorce may either be that he is struggling with the insecipurity - or he's testing you to feel validated and secure that you love him.
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Just some thoughts 'o)
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Very glad that I found this forum! I am not having a tummy tuck, I am having a BBL, but I have been experiencing the same thing, my boyfriend being totally against me getting the surgery. He has, however, become extremely supportive for me emotionally during this time. He continues to express how bad he doesn't want me to do it and how he thinks I am so perfect the way I am now, but he understands that I will be going through with it and he will be there for me.
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I did! My husband is stuck in the "your body is mine" era! It was a struggle for him to grasp the thought of me wanting to "change" my body, in his mind i'm supposed to look like i had kids (excess skin after 2 c-sections). So, i totally ignored him and went ahead with my surgery, afterall, its not about him or anyone else. And you should not feel guilty for wanting to look and feel your best. I am now 25 days post-op, and he is liking the results! Go figure. Lol. At the end of the day, its about you and your body, and shame on him if he doesn't understand. Good luck!
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Haven't told mine and I am 2, almost 3 days post op. We are separated but still see eachother. We have been on the outs lately so he's been a real a-hole so I haven't mentioned it because he's never in the right mood. It is probably meant to be. Even though I have mentioned wanting the surgery sEVERAL times, I don't see him offering me support when it comes tight down to it. In fact, I pictured him trying to sabotage it and ruin it for me.So I was in and out as he slept the day away. I am as I said post op now and my family is here helping as are my 2 kids which are 10 and 17. My mom is here so, I have care til the 23rd and I will be at a week post op. He is just a control freak and would accuse me of doing this so I can "find another man". Definitely NOT on my mind before the surgery or as of now. We have pretty much mutually decided to call it quits anyway, so I don't owe him an explanation, especially after how he has been behaving. He is an alcoholic anyways and after 13 years I am DONE with it. But, a non supportive husband who holds a woman down from doing what she wants to with in reason is not worth it. They only want control and to hold you down. Get a friend or older kids to help out if you can. Do what makes YOU happy ladies!
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My 1st husband had that "other man" mentality. I hated it. Why couldn't I do something for myself to make ME happy with no alterior motives?
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how long was it before you were sexually active again
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I believe the doctor gave me the go-ahead around 6 weeks. However, for me it was much longer since my husband was such an ass after the surgery that it took months for our marriage to get back on track at all. But if we had tried then, I would have needed my husband to be super gentle. My abs were still sore then although I could easily walk and do basic chores, but no ab exercises til about 3 months. Good luck ;)
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she has done great it is a month and i am very very satisfied with the results
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So great to hear that! It's all downhill from here :) In addition to lots of walking, what I started doing that helped me the most with the final stretching (with your doctor's ok of course) is the "cat-cow" stretch in yoga. You can probably google it if she doesn't know it.
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Wow, what a husband! It has been 18 months for me now, and while I look and feel great about myself, my relationship with my husband is still not what it use to be. You should have your wife read these postings about our husbands, then read your response, and I'm sure that in itself will take much of her pain away! Other than that the only thing I found comfortable was sitting and sleeping in a recliner. While I was sitting I was fine, but what hurt most was trying to get up. So the recliner helped to push me forward a bit. Then I had a table in front of it to pull from and could get up, although it still hurt a lot for about 6 days. But at least that was doable. And I agree to stay with the painkillers and do as much walking as possible. Much of this just takes a bit of time, but it will pass soon. Please let us know how she's doing in a few days! She's a very lucky woman :)
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hello to all,
My wife just had a tummy tuck I was looking for some info on what i could do to help her and mke her feel more ccomfortable because she is in lot of pain she just cant get comfortable. we go back and forth to the couch bed recliner and so on. I happened to find this site and I just cant imagine how some of you did this without the support of your husbands. I am a captain offshore Im always gone I trust my wife more than anything she is very beutiful she could probly have any mn she wanted and has all the oppotunity in the world being im gone all the time she just wanted to get the excess skin fixed from having the kids. I understood that and told her i love her and i will help with what ever. I just cant fathom your husbands not being there for yall. I think they have forgotten the meaning of what a marrige and what love is. It hurts me to see her hurting and trying to do everything I can. I m completely against devorce as I am a christian but that is not the only reason you should make it work. If you can spare the money without putting your house hold in a bind and you really need i think you should go for it. It has only been 3 day since she had it and i cant believe the results I cant wait to get her in the bed our sex life was great but i know she will feel more confident and it will mke it that much better. It is non of my buisness but i think some of you need to sit down and have a talk with your husband and reconnect or somthing and let them understand there will be a day that you will probly have to care for them and it will probly be longer than a 2 week ecovery and if they dont anted to be neglected they better get back to being in there marrige and quit worring about there pockett book. BUT by all means save up for it and make sure you are finantially capable dont put your house hold in a bind. These non supportive blow my mind. Just to let you know I may sound like a sissy or a fimanine person in this lettter but I am a souther country boy and a boat captain so I gaurantee i am not. I really feel for some of you. If you have any advice for me to help my wife maybe some comfortable positions to sit in or somthing please let me know thank you very much
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it is so nice to hear from such a caring husband. mine walked away and left me with a large house 2 kids and a dog to look after straight after my tummy tuck as he was busy having an affair which i have since been told many times is my fault (not sure why its my fault). with regard to the pain i would suggest that your wife walks as much as possible (i was up and walking within 1 day just round the bed at first) as you do heal much faster the more you walk. don't try to straighten as that will come with time and don't be afraid to take the painkillers that the doctors have given as they do help. Good luck and you will be amazed by the results. Its been six months since my operation and i feel and look great i have been told by everyone and i have a lot more confidence in myself.
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Its your fault simply & purely because he doesn't have the guts to take responsibility for his own actions! Way easier to blame you! Its a psychology concept called Cognitive Dissonance. Scientologists call it a Blow Out. Its a very common thing when someone is unfaithful. Their cognitions (thoughts) are dissonant in that on the one hand they know they're doing the wrong thing and on the other hand they have taken the action by choice - this creates dissonance (or discord) cognitively - & so the person will rubbish the other person - make them bad n wrong, which then justifies their actions without any need for guilt! Its also called DELUSIONAL!! Lol 'o) eg People with faith when they take some action that doesn't fit their beliefs/faith - will often leave their church & make the church bad n wrong rather than own & face their actions.
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Good for you mrssparrow!

It is annoying when people ask nosy questions. I'm to the point of saying, 'why on earth would you want to know such personal information?'

Good luck with it.
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i lost 30kgs in my early 30's and there was no way my husband was paying for a tummy tuck i put up with it till i was 47 exercised my butt off in that period so i decided i was going to do it myself the kids were off my hands i was working in a job that i could take time off so i did finally have it done, my husband was with me till couple of days after surgery then my parents stayed a week my hubbie works away contract work. i managed quite well on my own after that. i've also had a spinal fusion so wasn't as painful either that or i'm tough. have since had my thigh reduction he was against that but i'm a determined bugger had it done and stayed with my daughter sadly the surgeon didn't do a good job and decided to do liposuction a couple of months later now that was painful cruel B just gave me injection it felt like a pig on a spit, that didn't work well either so he reoperated on the upper thigh didn't charge me but had to have time off work and needless to say still not happy.

i have since been to another surgeon and he wants to do body lift, thigh lift and tt again. i'm kind of ok with the tummy but the cost isn't much different so may as well get the works. so it'll be another drama trying to talk old boy into this one again i'm pretty determined i'm doing it. i'm not interested in other men i'm really quite shy around them i just want to not have floppy skin its ugly and we work hard to keep ourselves looking as good as we can i think this day and age at least its in our reach. not just for the movie stars.

my next problem is i don't really want to tell my workmates abd friends i just feel like they're judging me i think i'll just say i need time off.

i am fortunate to have a friend who i can stay with for a week who doesn't judge me. i've had hand and knee surgery so i feel like people think i'm mad for inflicting more pain on myself but this is not so bad because bone operations are awful my knee was like it was on fire especially when i had to fly home from brisbane. so the surgery doesn't phase me at all.
i have a workmate who drives me insane asking all the questions under the sun grr! anyway please don't wait till your my age get it done while your young its degrading having to put up with it.

tell hubby it will improve your sex life, because it certainly does.
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Hi MicheleinJersey- I have not posted in quite a while either, you and I used to chat. I am so sorry to hear that. I am very happy with my results too, glad i did it. It will be a year October 15th already. I would love to something else (for me of course, but to expensive!) hang in there.
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