Removing a black outline tattoo

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Hello. I'm 19 years old and I've done what I...

Hello. I'm 19 years old and I've done what I always wanted - I got a tattoo. I was thinking about it for two years and I really THOUGHT I wanted it. But ever since I got it I've been depressed. Things I haven't considered previously are coming to my mind and I feel like I'll fall apart. I feel like my life is over, even though it's just a stupid tattoo. I constantly think: who will hire me? who will love me and want to introduce me to the family? how will I look in a dress, who will take me seriously?

I can't stop coming back to the day I got it. I was so SURE and happy and couldn't wait to get it done. It was in a rush, now I can tell. I've just come back from Barcelona and felt really inspired by the people there - it seemed like everyone had a tattoo and looked so cool! So I got mine when I got back. Liked it for two weeks. Now I feel like dying. Everyone keeps telling me that it looks good on me and I shouldn't be worried, the times are different now etc but I can't stand myself for doing this to me. I think that's the worse part that makes me even more sad - I am the one to blame.

Although on one hand I feel like I wouldn't have done that if somebody told me: Wait, think about it etc. I talked about it with my friends, my boyfriend, my parents even. They were all like: Go for it! And at the time I didn't think clearly, obviously. So not having anyone telling me to rethink my decision was one of the factors I got it.

I like tattoos, I find them beautiful if they are well done (and mine is as well) but I just don't feel myself anymore. I was always the quiet one, wearing dresses and blazers and being elegant and stuff, the best one in class, happy, positive. And now? I'm not myself.

I can't even study anymore and in a month I'm having my finals as I'm graduating from high school. I'm so scared that I won't be able to concentrate and I'll fail. I know it's all in my head and I'm the one who makes the matter worse but I can't help it. I constantly think that I would be the happiest person on Earth right now if I didn't have this tattoo.

Even my mum is fed up with me being so depressed and wants me to go to the psychologist. Actually, I'm going today. But I will feel so silly talking to the woman about such a stupid thing!

My tattoo is almost two months old and in a week I'm travelling all the way to the south to see a doctor. I talked to her previously and she said that the removal would cost 100$ per session and that I will need at least 7. I don't even care about the money, I just want it gone.

But I'm so scared that it won't help. I mean, tattoos are supposed to be forever, right? I know I need to feel positive, think positive. But I just don't know what to do.

I like it and the next moment I hate it. I am even scared that my boyfriend will leave me because of that. That he will find a pretty girl WITHOUT a tattoo that he will be able to introduce to his family. He keeps telling me that he loved me without the tattoo and he loves me now and I shouldn't be worried about such a stupid thing that can be always removed but I can't help it. Aren't boys into natural beauty? I feel like I've ruined myself and am not attractive anymore :(

I think that writing it all down makes me feel a little bit better. So maybe it will be like a therapy for me? I had no idea that there were so many people in the same position. If only I had made my research better before getting this thing on my body :( I should have done a henna one before but no, I had to be so stubborn. Oh how I hate myself :(

Do you think that removing a black outline completely is possible?
Thank you for taking your time to read it if you did.

Mixed feelings

I decided to write here whenever I feel like I need to share my thoughts.
The last three days were fine, I felt fine. Like I've actually made peace with my mind regarding the tattoo. I decided to wait with the removal as my tattoo is still really fresh and I don't want to rush into another big decision as I previously did. So I'll cancel my consultation and wait a bit.

I started going to school, feels like I can finally concentrate again. I mean, I have my finals in a month, it's high time I motivated myself to do something.

I feel weird. Like I don't belong anymore. When I'm at school I look at my peers and can't stop myself from thinking that I'd do anything to turn back the time so I could worry about stuff that teenagers normally worry about. School, relationships etc. I have all of that on my plate and a big regret that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. And I'm only 19. Sometimes I try to laugh this situation out but it's hard. I guess I still live in denial in a way.

Yesterday I found pictures of myself from three months ago. And I didn't know what to think, I looked at them and felt like I wasn't myself anymore. But I AM MYSELF, I need to keep it in mind. I haven't changed as a person, I still have my dreams, hobbies, friends.

When I'm at home I feel fine. When I search for other inked people I feel better. I mean, there's a lot of people out there that have tattoos, so why do I feel like it's the end of this world?

Also I see a picture of a girl with a tattoo I think she looks pretty but when it comes to me - I'm not so sure. Maybe when other people look at me they think the same, maybe it's just in my head. The thing is - I'm not the type of person that would rock a tattoo, I still have no idea what my motivation was to get this thing done.

I miss the time when I didn't have this tattoo on my body. I felt really good about myself, I thought I looked girly and pretty. I always wore dresses and elegant clothes and now? Still, I think it's all in my head, I mean - the fact that I have a tattoo doesn't mean that I cannot wear dresses etc. I'm just not so confident anymore. And the fact that it's in a pretty visible place makes me even sadder. I'm sure I wouldn't regret this tattoo that much if it was on my ribs for example. But at the time I thought it was the best placement.

I constantly have remorse. I'm scared of the summer because I feel like I won't be psychically able to wear t-shirts and such. I live in a small city and yeah, I'm scared of what others will think even though I shouldn't be concerned about that at all. Well, I am :(

When I look in the mirror I cannot stop but think that I've ruined myself. One time I like the tattoo and I think I look nice with it but then I think that I would look even nicer without it. And my bad mood comes again. It's like a vicious circle.

I wish I lived in the States or in other country where tattoos are more popular/acceptable. On the other hand, I guess they are loved and hated the same everywhere in the world.

Is it weird that I feel like I'm a different person? Like the old me has died. Or maybe I'm just exaggerating, I don't know :(

Anyway, I don't want to start removing this tattoo right now as I mentioned previously but maybe in the future I will. Maybe until then they will come up with other efficient ways of removing unwanted ink. I mean, the technology has improved so much since for example 2005 so maybe in a few years time there will be a better solution.

Oh, another thought. I've seen so many beautiful tattoos on this site, I believe mine is nice as well so I started thinking why people actually dislike tattoos on them even if they are well done. And except the feeling of disconnection etc, I think it has something to do with the fear that we've changed our bodies forever, there's no way back, we cannot easily erease them. Well, that is something that bugs me, anyway.

For now, I have to keep on searching for badass and beautiful tattood women on instagram and tumblr to make myself feel better and to find a motivation to rock my tattoo as well. Because what's left for me to do?

I came to a conclusion that I cannot let this thing take over my whole life, I cannot stay all day in bed and think and worry and cry. Even my psychologist told me: You've done this. It's a fact that it's on your body so why would you spend your days obsessively thinking why this happend? You wanted it and it's on your body.

So yeah, I guess the next step for me is to forgive myself because this tattoo is something that I WANTED. Or I thought I wanted, haha.

Wish you all the best and until next time.
Martyna :)

Ups and downs

So pretty much after I wrote that I feel better I had a major break down. It was so sunny and warm that day and I saw all those people wearing t-shirts and I couldn't stop but think that I will be too shy and scared to do so as well. Went back home from my bike ride and spent the whole evening crying.

It's so emotionally drawning - one day I almost like it and the other I absolutely hate it. Wish it wasn't so visible so I could forget about even having it.

I know that I shouldn't be worried about what other people will think but still. I guess if I was in a different city where nobody knows me I'd feel better and more confident.

I'm still in a process of accepting the fact that I look different now but I need to remember that I'm still the same person. I guess everybody around me sees me like my old self and that's just me exaggerating the whole situation. Pretty sure most of my friends know by this point that I got a tattoo and it somehow cheeres me up. On the other hand it doesn't make me feel good enough to wear shortsleeved blouses so it can be seen.

What could I do to make myself feel a bit better? I went on a shopping spree and got some new clothes (not t-shirts though). Actually, I think I like how the tattoo peeks through the sleeves.

Oh, and I've found a couple of German fashion bloggers with tattoos! And they rock them and don't seem to care about others or have a feeling of regret. That cheered me up as well. Maybe if I move to a bigger city or even a different country I will change my whole outlook on this situation.

I've always wanted to do something creative, I want to study public relations or visual communication and work in those fields or as a freelancer photographer, I want to travel etc so I guess the tattoo won't be a big issue.

About today - I feel indifferent. Pretty good feeling I must say, comparing to the mental breakdown I had recently, haha.

How are you guys doing?

So done with this emotional rollercoaster

I'm so fed up with feeling good one day and then crying myself to sleep the other.
I thought that maybe I'll be able to get used to it, that it was just the shock and it would get better but no. Even though it's a nice tattoo it is not me. Guess if it was in a less visible place I'd keep it but I can't stand looking at it all the time.

Yesterday I talked with my teacher because she said that I haven't been myself lately and wanted to know what was going on. I didn't tell her that the reason was I got a stupid tattoo bacause I felt so ashamed, she always thought I was the most sensible person in my class and now...

She went through depression herself so she understands how it is. I told her that something I cannot really change has happend and it's killing me and in addition I have my finals in three weeks so it all causes me a lot of stress. She told me not to worry about the finals as she knows I will pass them with flying colours and said that I should start working on the other thing that bugs me.

And it's so freaking annoying because it's like, WHAT CAN I DO? I will not accept this tattoo I think so what's left for me to do?

I talked to my mum again and she called one one the best clinic to ask about the treatment. That cheered me up because until now she had no idea about how it works and kept telling me: if it bugs you that much we can always go and get rid of it, you'll see, you won't have it till the rest of your life etc. Funnily enough she was the one who told me it was a good idea and the tattoo would look great. I mean, I don't blame her for anything, I'm just happy to have her support now.

Anyway, she called the other clinic and the woman told her that they laser off A LOT of tattoos and even treat people who come to them from other clinics from which they got scars etc.
They use Q-Switch Nd-Yag Spectra that is FAD approved, eCO2 laser and an LED lamp to make the recovery process faster and prevent getting scars. The other clinic doesn't offer the eCO2 treatment additionaly to the removal and the prices aren't really different so I guess this one would be better.

Also, the woman told my mother that the fact I have young skin would be helpful and if it's just black they could get rid of it. I have a fair complexion so I hope that would help as well.

One thing though - she also said that he fact the tattoo is pretty fresh is a good thing as the ink hasn't settled with the skin yet (?) So it would be easier to get rid of. I mean, everywhere I read they say that old tattoos are easier to laser off so I'm not sure anymore. I want to believe her because what's there for me to do? I have to have hope.

I guess I've forgiven myself but I still wish I didn't put myself in this situation in the first place. It's such an unnecessary thing that makes me somebody that I am not. It's the saddest part I think.
I had to get it done to come to a conclusion that the natural beauty is something that appeals to me most and I should have had more appreciation for myself when I didn't have it.

After I'm done with school, finals and other things I will start my removal process. There's no point in me waiting to accept my situation because I know I never will. I think it will happen sometime in June. I know the summer is coming but I never sunbathe anyway. And then I'd have my other treatment in September maybe so I hope a long break would be beneficial.

Trying to keep on living normal

As days pass I'm feeling more and more indifferent to this whole situation. I wake up and I am fine, happy even but then, when the day is coming to and end I'm starting to feel anxious again.

I'm tired of this constant emotional rollercoaster so I guess it's time for me to stop mourning the person that I once was and have a fresh start. I know that it sounds silly - I am still myself but somehow I feel like my oldself has died - I look different and that makes me FEEL different.

I thought about what hullaballoo has told me and maybe she's right about postponing the removal. Maybe I'm rushing this decision and I need to wait until my life settles again - I have to pass my finals, get into university etc and not worry about this thing over and over again.

I've also read about the new method: Eraser TM but there aren't many informations on that. Do you guys know anything? Didn't really get how exactly that would work... But maybe it is a good idea to wait with the removal till they come up with a faster and safer method. Perhaps Earser TM will be the solution.

I've always struggled with self-image and this situation made me realise that I had had everything and now I feel kind of worthless. It sucks big time, I have a tendancy to pick my every flaw and having an unliked tattoo does not help me with feeling good about myself. I'm not as happy as I used to be and most of the time I don't feel like doing anything and I stopped working out as much as I used to and I totally see how that affects my mood/body.

I will have to work on that - as the weather will keep on getting better I will start biking again. Maybe that will make me happier.

I need to learn how to love myself again. Because I am not worthless, I am not ugly, I am not stupid. I have to bare all of those things in my mind.

I will succeed in life, I will keep on travelling, being happy and doing what I love to do. As much as it feels like my life is over - it is not.

I cannot wait to leave the town I live in now. It is so small and people are so narrow-minded it's ridiculous. I want to move abroud where I could be whoever I'd like. It's not that easy at the moment :(
I'm thinking about having another blog besides my travel one. Maybe that would help me with accepting myself.

One good thing that happend this week - the band whose songs really help me during this harsh time is coming to my country and I've already bought the tickets for me and my boyfriend! We'll have to travel all the way to the seaside but it will be great, I need to start planning our trip.

It will be a great opportunity to get this tattoo drama out of my head for a moment - travelling really means everything to me, I've been travelling by myself for quite a while but I guess having my boyfriend by my side will even be better.

If I go to the university this year I will do everything to go to the States this time next year. I'm dying to visit New York City but I'd like to travel across Arizona and Oregon even more. Fingers crossed.

So yeah, I will have to learn how to keep on living and take every opportunity there is for me to do exciting things in life. Things could be worse after all, right? (I try to convince myself that but then again I think I wouldn't even be in this situation if not my stupidity!) :(

Hope you are all well. Greetings x


Hi! Maybe that's stupid but I just wanted to ask if there was anyone who would like/ could talk with me via Skype or something?
Your words really help me but I feel like a real talk would help me even more... There's nobody around me who would get what I'm going through thus I feel pretty much alone with my issue...

Can't do this anymore

Hi guys..

I really want to be strong, for myself, for my mum, for my boyfriend and friends...
But everytime I look in the mirror I think how stupid I was and how ugly I have made myself.

I've always struggled with selfimage but now it's unbareable. I cry everyday and cannot function properly... I suffer from axiety and I don't feel like doing anything at all.

I feel like giving up. It's so weird but when I am with my friends who support me I feel fine but as soon as I am on my own it all comes to me like a wave.

How can I rebuild my confidence? Right now I feel like I'm so ugly and worthless (even though that's just my mind probably). It's really destructive knowing I'm only 19 years old. I should be happy and excited about the future but I cannot do that, when I look in the mirror I don't see myself anymore.

I need to find a solution to this problem because it's in my mind (AND ON MY FREAKING FOREARM) because it's so tiring to constantly think bad of myself.

Do you have any advices?

Greetings :( Martyna

Two months

Sooo today is exactly two months since I got mu tattoo. And 1,5 months since I started to hate myself and being anxious for getting it.

I feel so tired with this whole thing. I wish I could just start loving it and forgetting myself for getting it done. It would be so much easier if it had a better meaning to me I guess. And was on my left arm. But there's nothing I can do now.....

I try to think positively but it is so hard. Especially since my best friend has left me since I told her what was bothering me and now doesn't even talk to me. She started talking with our other friend and now apparently they will be flatmates when we go to the univeristy. The plan was - I was going to live with her... So yeah, another trigger to my depression.

If only I could turn back the time. Oh what I was thinking... It is so sad that I cannot find happiness in anything!!! I was the most positive person I knew and now? I'm so indifferent to everything. I don't want to feel this way!!! :(

I'm scared that it will never go away because the tattoo is the main reason of everything. So unless I get ride of it, I will be stuck with this feeling of sadness and axiety for life.

I don't even know what to do after school. I feel like I'm too tired from this whole thing to start university and live normally.... I miss the times when I was excited about the future, my travels etc. And now?

In a month I'm seeing Lana Del Rey live (you might or might not like her but she's my favourite female artist haha) and my friend from Berlin that I havent seen in over a year has booked us hotel in Warsaw and I should be waaay happier than I am. I want to be happy. I need to let myself but at the back of my head I constantly have the thought of tattoo. It's so crazy how one thing can change everything!!!

I wonder if starting my removal would help me. I know that it's a big decision etc but I find it hard to accept that I have that tattoo. Or accept and love myself.

Do you think that I have chances to remove it or should I wait till some new solutions pop up? On the other hand I feel like they won't let any new technologies go on a market because it's too good of a business for the clinics, don't you think?


Feeling better and hopeful (?)

So I decided that I'll go and talk to the doctor that specialises in tattoo removal after I'm done with my finals. If I'm convinced and sure that I'm in good hands - I'll start my removal.

The thing is - I feel so stupid for wanting to remove a tattoo that I got roughly two months ago. I feel like I am a weak and kind of pathetic :( I've done something that I thought I wanted, that would make me feel better and it turned out the opposite.

But what's the point in be being constantly depressed, right? So if there is a chance for me to get rid of it, I think I'll take it. I'm aware that I will never have my plain, beautiful skin back but the thought of not having to look at those black lines are very convincing.

While reading some polish forum about tattoo removal I found posts of a girl that managed to remove her big tribal tattoo and few others. It took her over a year but the pictures show it all - she really did get rid of them.

Also, do you guys know the girl from Belgium that got 56 starts tattood on her face? She removed them as well.
Well, she probably uses foundation so it helps her with the coverage, but still.

I have to feel hopefull that I will be myself again. Because right now I'm going crazy. And knowing I'm alone in this and I'm the only one to blame makes me feel so anxious and sad.

I'll go there in May and hopefully get my first treatment. I'm prepared for the pain if it will help me find peace with my mind and my body again.

Do you think it's a good idea to start it before summer? I never sunbath anyway and I feel like the sooner I start, the sooner it will be gone so yeah. What's your thoughts?

Let's hope that next year this time I'll be tattoo-free and happy.

It's me again

Looks like I have to write here everyday to keep myself calm...

Today I called the clinic again (I just wanted to ask them questions about the removal again..) and guess what, the doctor picked up the phone! I was so happy to talk to an actual specialist.

He assured me that they have the best laser in Poland and he has a lot of experience in removing tattoss, I had a feeling that he knows what he was talking about.

He even told me that a lot of people from abroad come especially to their clinic and 90% of their clients have gotten rid of their tattoos completely. I asked if he managed to remove a tattoo that one buy had on the video the clinic has posted and he said that it's gone. And the tattoo was big, dense words on both of his forearms. I don't know if I can put links here but I'd like you guys to see this place's before and after pictures.

I feel so bad about myself again. I was watching TV today and they showed Kate Middelton, Selena Gomez etc and they are so naturally beautiful and I feel like I've ruined myself. I cannot stop but keep thinking about what would be happening right now if I didn't get the tattoo. Oh my.. I would be so happy. Tattoos do not suit my personality nor my look at all. I don't know why I thought I'd be cool and more confident if I get one.

Guys, do you think that I'll be able to get rid of it? The doc said that if the tattoo is fresh it's easier since the ink hasn't settled with the skin yet and if it's only black he is pretty positive we'd get it removed completely. He asked me if I was blonde and when I said yes he said that it somehow will help (?). So yeah, next month I'll go there and start my removal.

I also told him that my tattoo is in the same place as one of his patient's on the website and he got rid of that tattoo that it's not even visible. He asked me that the patient's tattoo had several layers of ink etc and yet it cleared completely. So I have high hopes.

I think what I will wear during the summer. I was always into fashion and now I feel like everything looks bad on me :( Eh....

Btw. do any of you know how the skin looks like after removal? I mean, I know it won't be as it was but is it possible that it will eventually even with the skin?

At school right now feeling so sad

So I'm at school at the moment and I feel like bursting out in tears!!! I envy eveyone there is who didn't make such bad mistake :((( I feel like I'm so worthless and like there is no solution for my problem.

I wish I could wake up and everything would be like two months ago :( i have no motivation for life whatsoever.......

I didnt have any particular reason for getting this tattoo and now I have to oay for this..

I hope the removal will help because I'm on the border of losing my mind :(

How bad do you think it it?

Hi.. Today I felt a bit better but as the evening comes - my thoughts are starting to kick off again.

So I wanted to ask - how bad do you think this tattoo is? I mean as for the removal.. I feel like it's pretty bold and out there and looks a bit like dirt on my arm... I wish I wasn't so negative about it but knowing I could not be in this situation makes me feel so sad...

I hope that staring my removal will help me emotionally and eventually this tattoo will go away. The clinic I will go to has had some incredible effects and they said that 90% of their patients have got rid of their tattoos.

I'm trying to be strong and positive. I mean every experience in life is to teach us something and apparently it's my lesson. Feels more like a punishment but yeah...


Woke up today a bit past 5 and the first thought I had - what have I done!!! Again. If I were to get this tattoo now - I wouldn't.

So that makes me sure that it was a bad decision at the time, sadly it has taken over my whole life.

I seriously cannot take it anymore, I feel like giving up...

That was the worst decision in my whole life, I'd be so happy right now if not this stupid tattoo.... The thing is - I really don't like it. It's in the worst spot ever and the flower itself is not so great.

I need to start my removal or I'll go crazy... But I'm so scared it won't work, the lines are pretty dense...

You guys, I have no idea what to do. I feel like crying all the time. I hate myself. If only I could wake up from this nightmare!! Oh my :(


Slept for four hours today. I feel so emotionally drained it's terrible...

9 days and my finals start. It's getting hotter and hotter and I'm so ashamed that I won't be wearing t-shirts.

Never thought my life would go this way, looking back I can say I had everything to be happy.

And now I feel like I won't be happy ever again.

I cannot sleep, those thoughts are driving me crazy. I don't want to live with this tattoo. It caused me so much anxiety and pain, it still does.

I am just to freaking scared to start removal because I'm scared it won't work on me. But I cannot live with this tattoo either, so what other choice do I have...

I'm a weak person after all. I feel like giving up sometimes, it's all to much for me :(

Do you think I have any chances of removing this tattoo completely? I know mynskin won't be the same and there might me slight sign that the tattoo was there but I dont care. I can't live with it.

Oh what have I done.... :(((((((((

Appointment booked!


You after spending the whole day under my blankets yesterday (anxiety, yay!) today I feel more hopeful!

I called the clinic and scheduled my appointment for the 9th of May. I will be in the middle of my finals but I think that the sooner I start the better I will feel. Excited! The polite woman I spoke to told me not to worry and be calm as they have several people daily who remove their tattoos and their patients have incredible results and if my tattoo is black and fresh I have nothing to worry about. And that I'll definitely see results :) That cheered me up.

I still don't know how to feel about all of this, today I feel better, tomorrow I might be sad again but I'm aware that this will be a long journey :(

I must remember not to let this situation take over my life. I still can enjoy myself, even though this tattoo is on my mind 24/7 ;)

The real story of me and my tattoo

Today I'm feeling really down so I decided to write some of my thoughts down.

I feel like I got myself caught in contemporary times' trap. I've always liked tattoos on other people, always wanted one on myself.

I remember being 16. I wanted a tattoo on my wrist then, my mum said yes and I was going to get it but then I thought that maybe I was too young. Then I even joked that I was more conservative than my mum because there are some things that parent should never let their kid do.

As time was passing I found myself being really engaged in the virtual life. I've always felt like I had a different mentality, I travelled loads and felt like I got along better with people from other countries.

I started following few girls online that I found very inspirational. 

I've always thought that tattoos are very cool and that they add a bit of personality to the person who has them. And yeah, when I turned 19 the thought of getting a tattoo came around again.

One of the girls got a tattoo herself and for me she was an example of a classy but also "badass" successful woman so I thought that if she has a tattoo, I can pull one off as well.

A rose has a lot of meanings and plus, it looks nice. So I went for the outline of one. Never thought that it would change/affect my life so much.

I got the tattoo because I've always admired them, I wanted to become more confident and thought that it would give something more to me. I haven't thought my idea through enough, I admit that.

It all happend so fast, probably my first mistake was thinking: Okay, if I don't do it now, I'll never do it. Or: I've always wanted one, so does it matter if I get it now or in two years? I thought about myself in the future and believed that it wouldn't be such a big issue. Also, I thought that getting it then would be wise as the tattoo would heal before the summer.

I scheduled my tattoo session and then set off to Barcelona with my boyfriend. I was so excited that I was showing him pictures of tattoos all the time and he said that he liked my idea.

So if he liked it, it must have been a great idea, huh? That's what made me even more sure that I should get it.

Loaaaads of people in Barcelona had tattoos and I got very excited about getting one myself. I was so happy that thinking about it now makes me feel like I wasn't myself then.

I'm such a sensible, delicate person, I never liked being in the spotlight but yet I decided to get a tattoo.

For the first two weeks I really liked it. Well, it was pretty cold so I wore long sleeves anyway and didn't have to look at it. But as days went by it hit me.

That I did something that I cannot change. that I have a problem without a solution. I got jealous of people who didn't have a tattoo, I kept looking at other people's forearms.

At the same time I kept googling celebrities with tattoos or even people on Instagram.

And I like tattoos on others but I hate the one I have on myself. I feel so insecure about it. The worst thing is that I have it because of me, I'm the one to blame.

I know I couldn't know that I would feel this way but the feeling of anger for my action is pretty high. It feels like a punishment. But I have no idea what must have I done to be going through all of this now.

I hope it will make me a stronger person. But I know that I won't ever like my tattoo so the only option for me is to go through removal.

But I got so obsessed with reading about the process, seeking the results online etc that I've almost lost my mind. I still do it. But mostly it is so discouraging... On the other hand, there are a lot of great results.

I hope the removal will work for me. Because I want to feel and be myself again. Reading all the things online makes me a bit unsure but when I talk to my specialist I feel like everything will be all right. So who should I trust? Also, there are a lot of people who got rid of their tattoos. I mean, even Angelina Jolie got rid of hers...

Maybe if I stop reading all of the articles etc it will make me a bit calmer? On the 9th of May I have my first session and maybe until then I'll stop doing my daily research...

I talked to a lot of clinics and they all said that they had their patients getting rid of their black inked tattoos. Don't know if they say the truth or not but I guess I have to believe in it. Because that's the only thing that has left me...

Hi there!

Hi! Today was my last day at high school. I should be soooo happy but well, I'm a bit indifferent. Like to everything which sucks because I've been dreaming of this moment for what feels like forever...

I try to convince myself that I couldn't know that it all would affect me that much but it's so hard not to be angry with myself for being in this situation.

All of my friends seem to be so happy and carefree and there I am - trying to hold myself together :( If you told me four months ago that my life would turn this way I'd never believe you! But I guess life likes to surprise us....

Now I think that it was the most stupid idea ever to get a tattoo on my forearm. It will be so hard to cover during the summer. I've found the most perfect summer dress and I'm sure I'd look great in it but the tattoo...... It makes me so insecure and I'll definitely not buy it :(

I try to think that it all will have a good impact on my life, that it will teach me patience etc but maaaan if I could be taught all of that in a different way!!!

I want to believe that the treatment I'm going to get (Q Switch + fractional eCO2 laser + LED lamp) will be very effective.

I got so angry today because I've found another shop with temporary tattoos. If only I was wise enough to try one before getting a real one.... Oh guys, I feel so stupid and hopeless.

I wonder if it will be possible to get this tattoo off me completely. I really hope so...

Do you have any advices for me before the removal? I drink lots of water, I need to start working out again. Would taking any supplements help as well? I read that some people take vitamin E for example.

Cannot wait for my first session :) Btw. how do you cover your tattoos during the summer? I mean, I suppose that only putting a sunscreen on the tattoo won't be enough? :)

Please let me know how you guys are doing!

Graduated! And tattoo thoughts


I graduated yesterday, yay! It was such a happy day, though I feel like I'd enjoy myself more if none of this happened. But hey, that's how it is and I need to move on.

Yesterday I felt like I was pretty content with my tattoo. It was something that I wanted after all, right? I guess I am focusing on the negatives too much. Sometimes I feel like I told myself to hate it so I do, and well, hate only brings more hate so that's why I fell into this cycle of negativity and pity.

I have to stop dwelling on the past. What's done is done. I can't blame myself for doing something that felt right at the moment. This whole situation has taught me soooo much and I'm sure it will make me stronger.

I just can't let it take all over. Also, I don't know who I'd be if it didn't happen. I changed quite a bit, yes, I'm feeling depressed at times, but it will pass. And I will "reborn" as a better, stronger, more parient and more sensible person. We all will.

If it didn't happen I wouldn't know that my bestfriend is a fair-weather one, I wouldn't meet you guys, I wouldn't know how it is to feel depressed (now I feel like I can understand people more and maybe I will be able to help others in the future). I got closer to my parents and my boyfriend, started talking to a friend that I haven't spoken in years and now she's such a support for me. And well, I wouldn't know how it's like to have a tattoo, lol!

At times I feel like I'm happy I did it and knowing that it's under my sleeve comforts me in a way. But does it mean that I want to have it on my arm till the rest of my life? Unfortunately no.

We all are just humans, prone to make mistakes. But I don't want to call it a mistake - rather a learning experience. I feel like I got even more mature because of it all. I need to be strong for my close ones but mainly for myself. And I will.

I was thinking yesterday and you know what? I guess I'd get this tattoo done anyway. But I couldn't know it would turn out this way.

If I'd see this tattoo on somebody else - I'd love it. It is a nice tatt. But I don't feel like myself so there's no point in making myself like it. If there's a chance to make things right - I'll take it :)

Also, I have to stop thinking about it 24/7. Peace of mind is what I lack at the moment and I guess researching tattoo removal etc all the time doesn't help. So I have to stop doing that.

I'm having my appointment on the 9th of May and until then I will try to stay calm and not obsessively think about all of this.

Since my tattoo is only black, thin lines and in some places it has very little ink that you can almost see my skin, I'm positive that I'll get there. I am a bit scared of how my skin will look like afterwards but I'll take care of it.

It all will be good. Life is a learning experience and I have definitely learnt my lesson. But now it's time to look to the future.

It's been a while


So it's been a while since I wrote something over here. The reason is that I'm in the middle of my finals and well, I tried not to think about all of this. And it did help.

I guess I got used to my situation in a way but it doesn't mean that my tattoo doesn't bother me. It does and I feel so sad and stupid everytime I have to look at it. So I continue to wear longsleeves though it's pretty much summer around here.

I cannot wait to the day when it's all over. But at the same time it feels like it will never come to an end.

I wonder where I would be today if it didn't happen. I would be carefree school leaver having the time of my life. But of course, I had to mess up. And while my peers will be enjoying themselves I will be worrying about this stupid tattoo.

Nevertheless, I'm trying to keep on living. Somehow. I wonder what will the doctor tell me when I visit him on Monday. I cannot wait to have my first treatment!!

Update - not feeling good

I've tried to be strong but sometimes reality is to hard to handle and well, it hit me today.

I feel so insecure and bad about myself, I'm a 19 years old girl and I should be having the best time and I just can't help but hate and blame myself for what I've done.

How stupid I was! I can't look at my own body anymore, I constantly think how things would be different now if it didn't happen.

Nobody around me really understands what I'm going through and the truth it - I hate myself. I don't know why I thought getting a tattoo was a good idea in the first place.

I really hope I will be able to remove this tattoo because I'll go crazy :(

The summer is around the corner and I'll be hiding because I'm so ashamed. Hope it will fade a bit before July/August.

So tired of crying over this thing :(

First treatment done

Hi there! So I had my first treatment today! Excited to start but on the other hand - I know how emotionally draining and long journey it will be. But I hope I'll be able to go through it. I have to.

I spent there over an hour. They numbed my arm and then used Q Switch. It was set on 4 and well... It did hurt a lot. I have no idea how people can remove their tattoos from face/neck for example.

Oh wow. And the smell. But what could I expect, right? Now I have to pay for being so reckless...

Then they used the fractional laser to prevent scarring and that one hurt too. They gave me an ice pack and then after some time I put my arm under the LED lamp so it would heal better and faster.

I hope it all will be fine. It has to be. I guess the worst thing wasn't the physical pain but the emotional one. Knowing that I could not be in this position, enjoying my life and not worrying about such thing.

I'll keep you posted!

Still bruised

Hi there. So there's nothing much to report on - my arm is still pretty swollen and bruised but it's getting better.

I'm trying to be strong but it's so sad knowing that if I wasn't in this situation I would be soo happy now that I've graduated etc. Now that I think about it I must have been out of my mind when I was getting this tattoo...

Most of the time I'm trying to stay positive. I'm taking steps to undo my mistake but man is it painful! I don't know which pain is worse - my bruised arm or the emotional part of this all. On one hand I've accepted my situation but on the other - it still feels surreal that I AM the one who has to go through this.

I hope I'll be able to remove this tattoo but I won't be kidding you if I say that I'm scared. Not knowing what will happen is the worst I think.

How are you guys doing?

Five weeks after first treatment

Hi there! Long time no see ;)

It's pretty surreal that it's already been five weeks since my first treatment! Going for another one sometime in July and then I'll have the rest of the summer off.

Things have definitely got better, though it doesn't mean I don't have bad days - believe me, I do.
Of course it would be so much easier to go through life without such eye-opening experience (as I like to call it) but that's reality. Life is not easy and free of mistakes and such things occur to teach us something so we can better myself. Or at least I like to see it that way. I've always been an overthinker so I always seek hidden meaning to everything.

They say that we appreciate things when we lose them and man, is it accurate ;-) I have hope though, everything will eventually go back to normal again. It might be a long journey but there's light at the end of the tunnel. When I have bad days I tend to tell myself that I'm stronger than that and it will make me so much better in the long run. I think in a year or two years from now I might even be grateful for what's happened.

It's still so hard for me to talk about it with others because it seems like such a trifle and stupid problem to have but I mean, you guys understand how it is. Although, I received nothing from support from my loved ones and I couldn't be happier to have them by my side while going through something like this.

I guess things from now on can only get better, right? I made a list of things that happend since I got myself in this situation and I guess there are more positive sides to it than the negative ones. But I'm not saying that I won't be happy to have this burden off my shoulders when the tattoo is gone! I mean, not having to worry about it will be so freeing ;)

I try not to let it take over my life and enjoy everything as much as I can. Recently one of my biggest dreams has come true! I met my favourite vocalist - Lana Del Rey, chatted with her and got a picture and an autograph :) That made me really happy. I have a lot of things to look forward to actually, so I shouldn't let those negative thoughts come to me, really.

About the fading - the tattoo definitely isn't as dense and some of the lines are already breaking. Not really sure what I can expect but I hope the changes are noticeable :) The doctor told me that I'd need around 7 treatments but who can really tell, right? I will just have to wait and see but I guess I'm happy about the effects so far.

The thought that it will end someday makes me really excited. I used to wear braces so I guess I should be used to being patient to see the effects by now but well it's not that easy haha Also, this whole thing (besides making me really sad from time to time) have shown me what really matters and I will never ever again take things for granted. This is not easy but I'm better than this. You guys are too. And as one of the quotes say: Everything will be okay in the end; if it's not okay, it's not the end. :)

Expectations, help?


So I'll habe my second treatment on the 4th of July. Pretty surreal how fast time flies but I hope it will continue to be this way because I seriously look forward to the day it's all over.

I mean, I know I have a long road ahead of me but thinking that it might take me two years to be where I was before all of this kind of scares me! I really do hope I will be able to do this. I have to.

But I wanted to ask what's your opinion, do you think that a year and around 10 treatments will be able to do the trick for me? I want to apply for work on a camp in the States next year and I hope that until then I will be in a place where I will be carefree again, you know what I mean?

What are your thoughts?

Second treatment, ouch!

Hi! So those 8 weeks passed by so quickly and on Monday I had my second treatment! I'm so glad I'm going to the clinic that I do, the girls there are all qualified and so nice and understanding! They made my mum coffee and I gave me a glass of water before the treatment. They also showed me a loooot of before and after pictures and kept assuring me that it will be fine and that they treat at least few people regarding tattoo removal ;)

While my arm was numbing the doctor got to the clinic and talked with us for a bit. It's so nice to know that I'm being in good hands with all of this. 30 mins later and the treatment started, the lady told me that she would increase the power to 4.5 but then the doctor came and said 5 will be fine. Maaan, did it hurt ;) I swear, after all of this is done I will be resistant to any pain, lol. I honestly don't know some of you guys are able to go through the treatment with bigger tattoos!

The procedure went as usual - the q-switch, fractional laser and LED lamp. And then they put a dressing on my arm and I was ready to go ;) I will go for my third treatment at the end of August.

As the power was up, I got some blisters but the fractional laser took care of them. Right now my arm is really swollen and red but I'm sure it will go away with time.

I will write an update in a few weeks when my arm is healed.
Have a nice day guys!

Putting my life on hold? Thoughts?

Hi guys!

So on Monday marks two weeks since my 2nd treatment and my arm is healing pretty well! And I can see some lines breaking and the tattoo is generally getting lighter. Although, the thicker lines are really stubborn and I don't see any changes in them. Maybe with one or few more treatments I will be able to see the difference. I hope that the ink in those places will start to fade as nicely as in the others.

Those two weeks passed so quickly, although at the same time it feels like it's been years. It's so weird. I want to see results asap but I know it is a long process and it takes time. Somehow it still doesn't come to my mind that it will go away at some point. Does anyone also feel this way?

I'll keep on posting updates on the healing and the fading but in the meantime I feel like I need to rant a bit on here ;)

It's been so long but somehow I'm still in awe that it all happened. I have my worse and better days but recently I've been feeling pretty down about this whole situation. I've never felt so disconnected to my body in my entire life and it makes me not only sad but also causes me to be hard on myself. It's like a vicious circle of self-loathing which is really bad because I don't want to feel this way. What is making things worse is me thinking how happy I would be if it didn't happen so yeah, I'm still kinda in the dwelling-thing phase. I really want to be fully myself again, even though I feel like I am, the tattoo is still bugging me. I keep wearing long-sleeves so I don't have to think about it but it is still really present in my mind. I wish I could go back to times when I didn't have to constantly think about something (the tattoo in this case). It really is exhausting.

I also feel like I've put my life on hold, like I cannot fully enjoy my life because of all of this. I somehow keep on thinking that I'll be 100% happy when it all is over and I hope it will be like that but I'd love to be happier right now. I hate this feeling and I wish I just could make it stop but it's not that easy. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn't worry so much but I can't. This really is the stupidest hardship I've ever had to go through. And it makes me ever more angry that I've put myself in this situation. I don't even pity myself, I just wish I could forget about it for a while. Knowing that it might take me two years to stop being so angry with myself and start living fully and be genuinely happy makes me anxious. I know it's different for everybody and it has to take time but it really tests my patience and sanity. I really miss how careless I was before all of this. I shouldn't have taken my health for granted and now I'm paying the price. I just wish I'll be able to remove it completely, you know? For my general health and sanity.

I'll be starting university in October and I hope it somehow helps me to forget about it all for a while. I need to find things to be excited about and really be happy because at the moment I do feel like my life is on hold. I wonder where I'll be this time next year. I hope things will get better.

What are your thoughts? How do you manage to live your life happily despite all of this? Any tips?

Few weeks after treatment #2

Haven't written anything in a while! My arm is fully healed by now after the second treatment and I definitely see some changes. Though I understand it won't be gone anytime soon, it is really hard at times not to get sad about this whole situation. I'm just glad the summer is pretty much over and soon the fall will come and so will winter.

So many people have removed the unwanted ink from their body so why wouldn't I? That's what I try to keep in mind so it's a bit easier for me to go through all of this. And your comments saying that it will be fine are cheering me up loads as well. So thank you.

Comparing to what I used to feel, I'm so much better but those couple of days I've been feeling pretty down. This thing made me pick every flaw there is about me and sometimes it's hard for me to cope with my own mind, my thoughts. And I know that I'm the only one who makes things harder for myself but at times I just can't help it. I wonder where I will be this time next year, I mean, tattoo removal wise. I hope it will continue to fade and eventually I'll regain my skin back. Especially since I can already see two breaks where there's no ink left. They're pretty small but I guess it means eventually the whole tattoo can go away as well, right?

Actually in a month I'm moving and it will be hard for me to keep getting treatments at the place I get them now so I figured maybe I should look for something else. I'll be close to Berlin so I thought that maybe I could go there, they have this place Tattoolos, have you heard anything about it?

Hope you guys are doing well, maybe even better than me atm ;) Have a nice day!

Pictures after treatment #2

Forgot to add some pictures so here they are. I'm waiting to session number 6-7 to see some real changes.

Sometimes it is really hard, I won't lie to you, especially since I feel like I cannot really talk to anyone about how I feel because they won't understand.. I hope things will get better.

Mixing lasers? What are your thoughts?

Hi guys!

Just wanted to ask what do you think about mixing lasers? At the moment my treatments are performed using Lutronic Q-Switch but in some time I will have to go to another place which probably will use differedt Q-Switch laser. Will this be an issue?

Hope you're doing well.

Taking a break!

Hi! Haven't written anything for a while but I had some time to think about it all and for now I'm taking a break from removing my tattoo or maybe I'll even leave it for good.

I got to a conclusion that it's not that bad and going through the removal is taking a way bigger toll on me than the tattoo itself.

I'm starting university, I'll be in a new city etc so all the excitement won't be disturbed by some ink on my arm :)

But I do wish you guys all the best, and well, maybe I'll come back here at some point but I'm good for now! :)
Dr Kupczynska

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