Depression and Regret - Washington, WA

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I am a 36 year old single mother to a wonderful 6...

I am a 36 year old single mother to a wonderful 6 year old autistic child. My ex and I have been separated almost a year and our divorce paperwork is in progress. I still love him and wish things could work, but he has a mental illness that was just impossible to live with. I can say that he always loved me for who I was, and he never wanted me to have a breast augmentation although I was self-conscious about my small breasts. I always wished I had bigger breast, and only seriously considered a BA when some close friends got them within the last 6 years. Their bodies looked great, and I thought, "Wow. I can just pay money and have big breasts and look good in clothes and bathing suits too."

Anyway, now that I live more than 1,000 miles from my ex and we're divorcing, I thought I can finally do it. I felt like I was doing it for me, and that I would feel better about myself. In some ways it was well thought out as I've wanted one for 6 years and felt like I'd done thorough research. In other ways, it was a rash decision as I really hadn't researched everything - the good and bad, nor was I aware of women who regretted it after because everyone on the forum I was on seemed so thrilled after.

Anyway, about 4 or 5 days postop, as the pain lessened, I suddenly became very depressed and anxious, and I wished I had never had the BA for many reasons. Although my body looks "better" in a bathing suit, I really feel like my pre BA body suited me better. I have a new perspective on it, and I feel that it wasn't that bad after all. I wish I had been more accepting of myself before. Why did it take this for me to realize that? My new body feels so alien to me. My breasts are hard and feel so foreign. I feel like I only want to wear baggy shirts now to cover them up as much as possible. I feel like I should've spent my money better as my car is not in the greatest shape. I feel like I should've spent my spring break enjoying my son instead of laid out in a bed. I feel like I just wants these things out of me and like I'm a fool for spending so much money, and I'd have to pay more money to get them out.

I also now realize complications are not uncommon and they are not lifetime devices, so women w/BAs have to be prepared to go through surgery again, pay more money, and endure pain at any time. Some women have to do several revisions. Some women say their implants have seriously affected their health. I just don't want to have to do several surgeries - at most one more - to take them out! I don't want to have to take time off from my son. I want to fully be there for him. I'm having trouble sleeping and find myself weeping off and on. As I research, some say that it's just postop blues, and they've grown to love them. Others say they never got used to them and removed them (some right away and some awhile later) and feel loads better after explanting. My roommate, says that I'm nuts and give it time, and I should not think of explanting. She actually wants to do it too, but hasn't yet because of money. I think it's fine for her if she's sure. I just now feel like they're not for me at all. I can't get more time off of work for another surgery until the summer, so I have to give it time, and maybe my feelings will change, but right now I feel downright miserable, and I feel like it's the biggest mistake of my life. Some people love them. I think it's just not right for me and my circumstances in life.

2 weeks postop and back to work today. How am I...

2 weeks postop and back to work today. How am I feeling now? I've stopped crying. I'm not heavily weighted by depression. However, I still regret it. I wish I had a time machine because I am certain that I would go back and undo it. Of course, we can't do that. I wonder how I'll feel by my 1 month postop appointment?
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