8 Months Post-Op and Happier than Ever.

I'm 24 years old with one child (he turns 4 in January, two weeks before my 25th birthday). I've generally always weighed between 120-130lbs, but when I got pregnant with my son things got weird. I gained only 7 lbs up until I was 7 months pregnant. Then, due to tremendous stress (my mother was ill and my ex was abusive) I suddenly gained nearly 60lbs. At my heaviest, both during and after pregnancy I was 185 lbs. I was two weeks shy of 21 years old when I gave birth to my son, 21 when my mom died, and two weeks later (at 22) I sued my ex for custody of my son. So basically, I had a couple of years from hell.

I didn't lose the weight through breastfeeding - I had to take pills to breastfeed because the stress stopped milk production. I had to eat MORE to breastfeed. So I gained another few lbs after childbirth and it stuck on for nearly a year. In the final months my mom spent in hospice I lost 40 lbs from stress and stress related stomach illnesses. Bam. A few months later I was down to 120 because all I ever did to keep myself busy was run around outside with my kiddo. I only ate protein bars, small snacks and drank water. I kept myself constantly moving and focusing between school, exercise, my son, reading, etc. I never wanted to sit and think, so I didn't.

I had lost a lot and was in a dire situation financially and emotionally - and was now a single mom to boot - but I felt like I was starting to be more myself again. I wasn't a prisoner amidst a horrible fat body that wouldn't obey me. I was going a bit control-freak about my body, but I desperately needed control then and to me it was better than the quasi-anorexic bouts I had as a teenager.

Now, nearly three years later, I'm a stable, solid 127 lbs and I am in better shape than I have been in .. ever. I run every day, I do power yoga and core fitness and cycling and crunches galore. And I eat healthily (I am a vegetarian/pescatarian) But the reality is that no matter what I do or how well adjusted I feel, I have a love/hate relationship with my body.

I love that I'm strong, and that I can run a long way and have a lot of energy. I love that I have the self-discipline to maintain this.

I hate my boobs, and I hate my tummy. I hate feeling like I don't want to be intimate with my boyfriend with the lights on because of all the damage I did to myself with neglect. It's not only a reminder to me of 'that my body has changed since I had a baby,' but it's a reminder to me of an agonizing years-long emotional implosion where I sort of 'checked out' on myself and let myself rot. Every time I look in the mirror naked, that is what I see. I forgive myself for it, but that is what I see. Old wounds.

I have an umbilical hernia about the size of a loonie and my muscles are at LEAST an inch if not two separated. I could actually tell it was about 4 inches+ during the last part of my pregnancy. I have stretch marks from one side to the other that wrinkle and make a really sexy 'cottage-cheese' effect when I am sitting hunched forward. When I get any thinner than I am now, my belly turns into a sea of wrinkles. I have a belly pooch gut I can NOT get rid of. I have boobs that were always a scant A cup - stretched to a D cup and nursed on for a year and a half - and now basically are a downwards drooping, 'fried egg gone wrong' looking A cup. They do not fit in any bras at all as they are asymmetrical, so all I can ever wear is sports bras. Let me tell you, sports bras don't work in dresses or tank tops or anything at all femmy. JUST T SHIRTS. That gets old. My right breast has been so stretched and abused that I actually feel like the nipple has poorer circulation from being so far away from the rest of my body.. that nipple always gets cold faster! What the heck!

I thought about it a lot over the last few years - whether I could just accept my body and move on or not, but in the last year I've gotten more convinced this is what I want. I'm only 24 years old, and my body looks used up despite being in robust health. I put a lot of work into who I am today - I have a beautiful home with an awesome, funny, charismatic kid, I'm halfway to a degree on the dean's list, I'm fit and happy, a good friend and partner, and I feel like - whatever the world sees or thinks - I want to see that on myself when I look in the mirror. Not the damage and the old wounds, but a fit, radiant, vibrant person who is tackling the world fresh.

So, here I am. I have a doctor I'm keen on but haven't had a consultation with yet. There are a few more around I'm curious about but I like this one's work that I've seen and they have stellar reviews from a great number of women. My consultation is in mid-November and I'm eager to get the ball rolling. I am hoping to have surgery around the Christmas holidays as I will have enough time off to recover without it disrupting my responsibilities too much (except who will make the vinatarta?!?! And the rumballs, dear God!!)

I will post some pictures soon, when I get a little braver, and try to keep up with my progress here including post-op! Wish me luck!

Well, well! It's been a while. I was going to make a new account as I thought I'd deleted this one, but here I am!

Where should I begin?

The first doctor I saw was very nice, but several things turned me off: they didn't have enough before/after pictures (no book in the office, only a few online), the office felt more commercial than medical to me, and the doctor was too insistent about implants in my opinion. I felt that they weren't confident about getting me good results without implants, which didn't inspire much trust as I had expressed I had no interest in implants, and I didn't like the implication that I was 'too flat.' I am flat, but what is too flat when you like being flat?

The second doctor was more experienced and had been in business a lot longer. They didn't try to push implants on me, which I appreciated, but said they couldn't do much for lift without adding volume, so we took the breasts off the table (HAH!) This doctor wanted to do my incisions a little differently than I had anticipated having them done. The staff there was all kind and the environment felt more medical this time than commercial, but everything still wasn't 'perfect.'

Then, the third doctor!

The things that sold me on my doctor (who is the third):
The photo book! This is seriously crucial. I feel like if your doctor doesn't have myriad examples of their work to show you and comparable body types to your own, you should steer clear. This office had a massive binder with what had to be at least a hundred before and afters of tummy tucks alone. I found lots of examples to compare myself to as far as body type, age, skin laxity, and hernia. That made a huge difference for me as far as my confidence in the doctor. I feel like comparing body type is so important. If you are a major weight loss patient you need to look at others who've had comparable weight losses with comparable issues. If you're a mom of 5 with severe muscle separation you need to find photos of people with that (at your body weight/height approximately.) For me I wanted to see younger women with moderate excess skin and umbilical hernias. I am that oddball who wouldn't be a candidate for a mini tuck, but had a high bellybutton and not quite enough lax skin to pull all the way down, so I wanted to find people like that. I was super relieved to look through that book and see that my favourite results were also the ones attained with bodies that looked like mine at the start.

The staff were all very polite and professional and made me feel relaxed and appreciated. I get a bit silly and jokey when I'm nervous and they laughed with me and didn't make me feel like a dolt. Everyone was really sweet.

My doctor was easily the most personable doctor that I saw in any consult. He went through the surgery in a very thorough way, and even though I'd had two consults and done lots of reading, I felt like I'd gained some knowledge coming out.

He addressed the breast lift by saying that yes, he could do it even on someone as small as me, but that I would have the fuller 'anchor lift' to get the lift I wanted, not a lollipop lift. When I said that I love the size of my boobs and I've never wanted to be bigger chested, just 'back to normal height,' he totally understood and seemed approving, granting they're the right size for my frame and suit me. I guess it is pretty rare for someone my size to be happy at my size, haha. But, I also had KNOCKERS when I was nursing and I hated how much they got in the way. I always liked having small boobs.

Ultimately I decided against the breast lift because although I don't mind scars, I realize that with an anchor lift on such small breasts, I'd have quite a large scarred area without much volume to cover it in a fold. I decided, essentially, I can live with my breasts for now. I might change my mind later, but I figured since I wasn't sure, better to minimize OR and recovery time.

A few other things I really liked about my doctor: he addressed some issues with my hernia that the doctors at my other consults didn't: that it was possible the opening of the hernia would be just where the umbilical stalk is (from the outside it looked like a knuckle jamming straight through my bellybutton), and if that was the case then blood flow to the bellybutton could be compromised in its repair. He elaborated on this so that I understood the risks as far as necrosis, wound healing, etc. We agreed that once he was 'in there,' he could decide what to do and I would trust his judgment on it.

So, I appreciated him talking to me about that and acknowledging a special risk. He also agreed to make my scar very low in exchange for a vertical bellybutton scar, which was fine with me. I did have loose skin all the way up, but my bellybutton is naturally quite high on an already short torso, so I sort of figured that would be the case and was already ok with it.

All said and done, and, ta-da! Yesterday, I had a tummy tuck.

He did repair my hernia, and said he would just keep an eye on the bellybutton in the coming days and weeks. Apparently the hole was large enough to need to be fixed. Suits me fine! I do have a short vertical scar but I'm not worried about it. He said everything went very well during surgery, and took the time to come and visit me and answer last minute questions before I left.

I'm just being mindful not to overdo it, but I have been up about every 3 hours walking around at home. Flexing my legs a lot, holding my pillow to me and doing the deep breathing and coughs they told me to (oh, the coughs are the most unpleasant thing by far.) I have been able to get up and down without help, which is nice as I was up and down a LOT last night needing to pee every half hour). My dad is staying with me to help me with my son (who is 4 now!) and he's been great about everything.

So far I haven't seen my incision, bellybutton anything. I peek in the top of the binder now and then to look for blood (as instructed) and noticed that a pre-existing scar on my chest wall has migrated down a bit. Also now that I'm more comfortable with my new condition I have noticed the skin in my pubic area is pretty taught. Not swollen at all but I can tell it's being pulled 'up.' (Not that my jangly bits are all on display or anything but... well, the skin just feels like someone is pulling it up a little.)

I'm sore and achey, but in nowhere near as much pain as I thought I would be. I wouldn't even call it pain, really. Just soreness. I feel like I did way too many crunches at the gym, basically. Well, that and I have a corset on. lol. My throat is a bit sore from having a breathing tube and I'm a bit gravelly, but again, it's not a big deal.

So far (day 2 today, but it's only 5am; surgery was over yesterday at 11am) my back doesn't hurt at all. I read that a lot. I think it must be that the pain from the front feels so radial that folks feel it in their back too. I am a weirdo and I practiced walking hunched at home before surgery to test my back strength a bit. I look at it more as 'bad period pains,' because when I'm standing, the soreness is mainly in my lower front and mid back, which is where I hurt on my period. Or, used to, prior to getting an IUD, anyway. I'd wager having pillows under your back in the right places helps. A lot of people seem to sleep in recliners after their surgery, but I've stuck to my bed with lots of pillows. Some people think it makes a huge difference for getting up and down easily to have a recliner or rented hospital bed, but I've been doing fine and like I said, I've been to the bathroom about a million times (again in a few minutes, I think!)

A few things I didn't expect: I hate percocet. They say it is addictive but it makes me so nauseous and itchy and jittery I don't see how people could like the stuff enough to want to take it. I took 2 on my first dose, then threw up a tiny bit (I'd only had like one pear slice since I got home) now I'm taking 1 every 4 hours. That's sitting much better with me. I'm a bit more achey without it, but it's easier for me to rest with a bit of soreness than nausea. And if you're only taking one every four hours and you find you're too sore, you can always take another half of one to tide you over til your next dose time. At least this was my way of thinking about it and what the nurse said I could do. I'm eager to be off them and on the T3s instead (but those make me spacey if I remember right.) I'm on blood thinner injections as well for 10 days and those aren't as scary as I thought they'd be. I bruised myself a bit the first go, but have the hang of it now.

Other things I didn't expect... hmm... I expected to be a lot more loopy from drugs etc. To wake up loopy. I woke up thinking about my son giggling and dancing (they told me to think of happy thoughts while falling asleep.) So I woke up from surgery relaxed and happy. My brother, who picked me up, said he was surprised to see me acting so normal. I have also been in a really good mood, which is nice. They warn you about depression but I am, by nature, a laughter-is-the-best-medicine person. So, when we got home I commented that I felt like Yoda (hunched over) and proceeded to try to force pull stuff like the clicker to me, then reprimand the clicker in a Yoda voice for being in league with the dark side. I think it has helped my brother and dad, too, to see that I'm not in enough pain to lose my sense of humour or fun. As much as they are here to help me, I want them to have the easiest time of it possible, so I'm going to keep a positive attitude :) I get to have a flat belly after all this! No more tucking my skin into my pants! Muahahaha. And I know it will take a long time, and I'll be sore, and there'll be ugly swollen bruised periods, but I'm ok with all that. Heck, I had a baby and watched my body mutate all over the place, I got this ;)

Oh, another thing I didn't expect was swelling in my arms, breasts, and face. Hah, I kept squeezing my boobs all last night whenever I was alone in a room going "whaaaaat!" They're back to normal now :P but, I did look a little chunky in the torso and face last night. I had worried I was getting dehydrated because I wasn't peeing much, but then I saw how much fluid I was retaining and stopped worrying. The pee seal was soon broken anyway and my face is less swollen now. Mostly my eyes. "Hi there, beady" my dad said to me while delivering an ice pack :P

Anywho, enough of this epic crazy long post! My post-op appointment is on Friday so I will be back then to make some updates and post some photos. I have befores to share, but they're on my laptop (very heavy) while I am using my dad's netbook (very light!)

Warm and peaceful thoughts to anyone who passes this way!

Oh, and as a side note - I can't 100% remember what the cost was off the top of my head, so I am basically rounding it up (it was not actually 10k, it was 9-something..) in consideration of things like prescriptions, extra pillows, supplies (ice packs, gauze, some proper sexy tracksuits ;) a cork board to put important info on, etc)

I'll update my doctor info and worth it rating and all a few days down the line when I know more where I'm at in terms of recovery and what to expect!

Happy thoughts to all!

I forgot to add two things:
- I did not have any drains put in. My doctor hasn't used them for a while and I haven't had any issues with it.
- I haven't really eaten more than a pear slice since the night before surgery. You feel so tight that you feel 'full' without having eaten. But, I will try today so I don't get weak while I am walking around. I read people often lose 10lbs temporarily in recovery. I wouldn't mind that, haha, but I would be on the very low end of my healthy BMI and losing muscle (no good), so I'm hopeful I will get some appetite back soon.

Also I read a lot about people not being able to sleep or being worried about not being able to sleep - don't worry! I haven't been 'sleeping,' either, really. I seem to be up a few hours then nap a few hours, and my body is doing fine with that. It is probably easier on your back not to be sleeping a full night sitting up, and anyway you have to be up to take pain meds in the night and move your legs so, why not just call it 'napping habits' rather than 'sleeping habits' for a little while :P