My Explant Journey. $6,000+ removal
My breast story begins in my teen years with having been so underweight I was unable to grow any breasts. My mother had me in padded bras from age 13, on hormone treatments at 16 to try to grow breasts. Nothing worked. I would sew padding into my swimsuits. Nobody saw me naked. Nobody except family knew I had no boobs. Then in my mid twenties I bravely and with great vulnerability, showed my mother what I looked like. I had finally put on enough weight to look like I had a little something.
Her response to my form sent shock- waves through my soul. She gasped and with a look of horror she said "oh, you are deformed. You look hideous! You need breast implants!"
I was totally devastated. I thought if my own mother who is is supposed to love my unconditionally thinks that, what will my future husband think of me? I wept.
So that same year I had 235cc cohesive gel implants put in below the muscle via the armpits. My surgeon wanted me to go bigger but I insisted I wanted to be no more than a B. I can't tell you how traumatic it all was. I had drains in for 5+ days, was so nauseated from the drugs..... lots of pain in the weeks following.
Years latter when I had to tell my fiance that I had implants he was not happy about it. He felt I owed him an apology for not leaving myself the way God had made me.
After being married for several years I decided to show him my before surgery photos- let me tell you they were not pretty. His response? "There is nothing wrong with that. It is a very feminine look." I was really expecting a different reaction. I felt so loved and accepted. I cried happy tears.
Here is where my story gets spiritual for a little. It was during a church service six months ago when the preacher was talking about Jesus walking through the walls after his resurrection and showing up uninvited, in the room with his shamed disciples who were all in hiding. The preacher said "And Jesus will do that. He will turn up uninvited in the rooms of our greatest shame......" I was completely undone. I had the room of greatest shame come before my mind and my mother saying those lies to me. Me standing there in my nakedness, there was Jesus standing in front of me and he looked me in the face, light was streaming from him he said to me " You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are beautiful." His words completely overruled what my mother had said. It was like what she said did not matter anymore for my creator had spoken truth over me. I sobbed uncontrollably for about half and hour. I was free.
12 years since implants my right side had such a painful capsular contracture that I really did look deformed. I was in constant pain with a fire/burning sensation. I was having trouble sleeping. I was aware of them at all times. I could not lift anything it would hurt too much. My left breast with was not showing signs of contracture was also hurting with a burning sensation. I was very emotional and had to forgive my mother again. I just wanted them out of me. Psychologically it was very had to handle. Finally after months of waiting I had them removed via my areolas. The Dr. chose that method as I may not have had a crease to hide a scar in. I also had an areola reduction on my right side to try and even up my nipples which were not level even before having implants.
The surgery went really well. The Dr said that my implants were intact and they got everything out- all the scar tissue with no complications.
I had no nausea as I was not given morphine this time (what a difference that made to recovery to not spend two days vomiting).
When I saw myself covered in bandages in the mirror and saw my profile I loved what I saw. It looked so elegant (even with the drains and bandages). I really look like I have just lost a lot of weight. In the weeks prior to surgery I looked up images on pinterest "small chested beauty" and in magazines. I re-programed what feminine was in my thinking to prepare myself for my new look. I could see the small bust as very beautiful and sophisticated. I really loved my "new' shape. To have a level chest again was wonderful. My son saw me in the bath trying to soak of my bandages and he said "Mummy, you look so so so so beautiful" I could see in his young eyes that me meant it.
It is not quite two weeks since explant as I am writing this and I love that I can stand up straight again. I can hug my husband without anything between us. It just feels right.
I Sleep more comfortably....I am looking forward to all the other things I will soon be able to do without pain!