46 Yr. Old Wanting to Explant but SO Scared!

I'm 46...divorced mother of three. I have silicone gel implants now for 12 yrs. Loved my little size B breast but they were empty bags after breast-feeding 3 boys. My breast were so huge while breast feeding and I never felt comfortable with large breastsand was happy when they shrunk back down. After my last son was weaned, I thought about getting my breasts "fixed" but the thought of something foreign in my body was really challenging to accept. Well...after I found out about my husbands affair...and he told me how beautiful and perfect 'her' body was and breasts were...my low self-esteem and shattered life was all about trying to look perfect for my (now EX) husband. I got the implants and a size C+ looked pretty good on my very tiny body (I lost 30 lbs. in less then 2 months due to stress). They felt big though and fake and I didn't really love the idea, but I was trying to fake confidence so that my husband would only be attracted to me. (lame and insecure, I know, but that's what affairs do to a person) Well.... 8 years later... he cheated again. This time I had the courage to stand up for myself and I divorced him. Before I even found out about the second affair, I had already gone into my Plastic surgeon to get a reduction (at that point I didn't even really think taking them out was an option) . As discussed, I would need a full lift if I went down in size. This scared the crap out of me!! The thought of the scars was too much and I decided I wasn't ready. I knew one day I would do it, but not then. I have been divorced for 4 years now. I lead a very active and athletic life. I am continuously working on my self confidence and for the most part feel great. I have a new partner (who had NO idea I had implants). He is very supportive and a really great guy. I want my small breasts back. I want the implants out because I don't feel like me. Clothes don't fit right...shirts stretch funny across my chest, button down shirts are nearly impossible to wear, men stare at my breasts when they talk to me, being very athletic I find it difficult to find athletic clothes to accomodate larger breasts. The one positive...I really do love the way they look when I am naked.
Every time I go in to talk with my PS, I am confident that I am ready to go through with the procedure. Then, I chicken out. I get stressed out and confused and a ton of anxiety. I know this has to do with my low self-esteem and the fear that over comes me is so massive and so real. The last visit with my PS was in September 2015. The appointment went very well and he was very optimistic that removal of my implants would be a great choice. He thinks I have enough breast tissue to be able to have a small B cup...which I would be very happy with. His optimism got me really ready to go ahead with the surgery. When I went to schedule ( 3 different times) I had so much anxiety that I couldn't go through with it. I decided this meant I wasn't ready. I would wait 6 months, until April. April is almost here. I'm scared again. The one thing I did differently over this past winter was that I did some research to see if there were any adverse health affects due to implants. I didn't find a ton of information but I did find some AND I found this site. I have been experiencing joint pain, headaches, crazy dry skin, aches and pains all over, fatigue, digestion problems, and some other symptoms that seem to come and go. These things could be genetics or aging or who knows. After reading several of your stories, now I wonder....are these implants making me sick? I want to get them out. I want to be able to have this surgery and recovery without freaking out. I need to find my confidence. I need help and support. I am so confused as to why I want to do this so bad and yet I can't seem to go through with it. Any help or insight or encouragement is why I am posting. Anything will help...Thanks ladies...I have found an incredible amount of strength reading your stories.

Set my surgery date for April 13. I'm feeling very confident in my decision but only wonder now if I should wait on the lift or just go for it. This is possibly just another way for me to be dragging my feet. In the wee hours of the morning today, I was having a semi-awake dream of post-op. It was very real feeling and it was a bit odd....mainly had the feeling of "oh no! what have I done?" I know this is just a natural way of expressing my fears. I hope these feelings don't get more intense. My partner is very supportive in my decision.

My surgery appointment is set for April 13. Not sure if I really have my head wrapped around the idea yet. But I am trying to make some positive changes for the best chances at a healthy body pre-surgery. I have cut out my nightly glass of wine. Although, yesterday was a friends birthday and I did have a few glasses...regretting a bit this morning as I have a headache. Cutting out the sweets and as much of the crap food as possible, drinking loads of water, and taking my daily vitamins. My exercise has not been very possible as I have done something to my right foot and it is very tender. I enoy physical activity very much, so this has been hard to not be active, especially knowing I will be 'on the bench' after surgery. Oh well, patience is another thing I need to learn during this procedure. Yesterday I picked up my mammogram report to deliver the PS office. I also had a physical examination with my general physician and blood and urine tests done. I have been battling a chest cold over the past week and not feeling super great. My immune system has been tested this winter with so many sick people.....all around me...all the time. I held out on getting sick, and now here I am with a cold. Not to worry. I have over 2 weeks to get my health back. I think I may start looking at bras for after surgery. I'm pretty excited about that! Starting to have dreams about the procedure and the outcome, they aren't very pleasant dreams and they leave me feeling a bit upset and wondering if I am doing the right thing.

I am ready to go back to my natural self. After having breast implants for 12 years and really not loving them...wanting to be smaller...hating looking at photos of myself because my breasts look so huge! Feeling uncomfortable hugging people, having anxiety choosing what to wear so as to down play the size of my breasts. It's time. I'm scared. Who knows what the outcome will be. But thanks to all of you brave beautiful women out there doing the same thing...I am doing it! One foot in front of the other. Deep breaths...getting centered...gaining courage and acceptance of myself...it's happening. Being brave is really hard. :)

I have my pre-op visit with PS tomorrow. Making a list of questions and concerns and what I do and don't want. My biggest concern is the scars. I really don't want scars that will be visible in a bikini...under the breasts....I've seen some scars that come clear around the breast and into the cleavage area. I was discussing the surgery date with my partner and trying to think who I could line up to bring me home - he has a new job and I don't want him to have to take time off. Somehow the conversation turned into somewhat of a fight. He wanted to know what I was telling my parents. I have chosen not to discuss this with them. I didn't ever talk about the implants with my mom and certainly not with my dad....so why would I tell them I am getting them out? Then the discussion went further and was about "what will I tell everyone?" He is overly concerned with what people will think and what they will say and what he should tell them when they ask...."what happened to her?"
.....hmmmm.....I never thought about this. Will people really ask? Really? My breasts are somewhat big and of course they are noticeable....but I just can't imagine this is going to be an issue. We got into a very heated discussion regarding this and of course, it degraded with me in tears. Wishing that I was going through this alone...wishing that I did not have to feel this need to explain my decision to anyone or to justify my choices from 12 yrs. ago that were made in a place of pain and insecurity. I don't want to go through the healing process and major scar recovery and feel self conscious. ugh!!! bad day yesterday and it has left me feeling a bit weary and rather vulnerable.

Has anybody had to deal with people questioning you after surgery?

Went to my pre-op appointment yesterday afternoon. All the usual forms to sign and health evaluations. Somehow reading all the risks of dying and infection and possible undesirable affects such as nipple death, etc... my head was reeling and I was feeling a load of anxiety and had the feeling I was signing myself up for mutilation. It wasn't as positive of an experience as I had hoped. The PS and I talked about results without a lift and we both came to the conclusion that I would be floppy and my breasts would look exactly like they did before the original surgery. I am going to go ahead with the lift. I trust him and his ability as a surgeon and I trust my body will co-operate and heal. Everything is set for the 13th...just two weeks from today....deep breath...now I need to concentrate on healing my body from the lingering chest cold and keeping my head in a positive place.

I have wanted to show my PS pictures of the breasts I envision myself with. For some reason I haven't done this. I have already had my pre-op appt. and surgery is set for next week. Would it be appropriate to show my PS some pics on surgery day? Has anybody done this?

Time is moving fast...but so slowwwwww. I have injured my foot and I'm not very happy. I can't work out and it's making me feel so sluggish. Also, knowing that I won't be able to properly work out for 6 weeks is making me feel very agitated....I already feel like I'm gaining weight. haha! I feel so much better now that the surgery is imminent...I'm actually feeling excited. Today my breasts hurt and they feel huge and I feel heavy....oh duh!!! I must be pre-menstrual...such a goof! This is how it goes every month. Anyway, today, I am excited for explant and feel like next Wednesday is going to be the start of a whole new me. Still going back and forth ten million times a day about lift or no lift. I feel settled on one choice then I'm equally convinced with the other choice.

Can I get some feedback on best post surgical bras, ladies? I hate to go shopping and would love to buy it online. xoxo

Back to back colds! I have surgery on Wednesday and was doing so good...I had been sick with a chest/head cold. My boyfriend came down with a cold this past week and now I am sick AGAIN! Of course, I haven't been sick all winter long and now this. I really don't want to post pone my surgery but can't imagine going through with it right now. Asking for healing vibes!!
On a more interesting note...I was invited to Nepal on an expedition and humanitarian project in June. There will be National Geographic film and photography crew going and a world class explorer and most likely will end up in National Geographic magazine. A huge opportunity for me and possibly help my photography career. I want to go and need to give my answer by Monday. The trip would be 7 weeks post-op....any insights on if this a completely insane thing to do or if I would feel just fine.....obviously there are factors that are impossible to know like... if I have any complications and my overall ability to handle things.

Well. Yesterday was not that great. I woke up with a wicked sore throat and the feeling of tightness in my chest. Coughing got worse and was in and out of bed all day. Loaded up on C, Zinc, Oregeno, D3, sunshine, and love from my boys and my dog and my man. Mentally I was feeling pretty good and had a positive attitude that I still had 3 days to kick this crap. Then...dun, dun, dun......my ex-husband pinged my phone. He blew up my phone with horrible texts...down right abusive! Basically calling me a loser and asking me why I don't have "a real income" ....on and on... I only responded with kindness and told him that we should go to lunch and try to be friends, that I forgave everything a long time ago and I have no animosity. Told him it's time to move on etc.... what came back was always rude and degrading. I ignored him but the texts kept coming until 11:00 last night. Why? What the hell? I really don't need that. As much as one tries to ignore that stuff, it still gets to you. Deep down. I wonder if he broke up with his girlfriend and is angry so he's taking it out on me. I tried to just let it roll off my back and I said a little cleansing prayer before bed. Woke up this morning feeling worse then yesterday. My cough is deeper and more productive today. Surgery day is so close and I want my body to be strong! I know they will cancel surgery if I have a productive cough and reschedule. Everything is set and arrangements made so it will be upsetting to push it back but at this point, I can't see how I will turn this around enough to be ready on Wednesday. Just venting.....sorry for the negativity for anybody reading this.

Luckily I am a great sleeper and was able to get a peaceful nights rest. Woke to my love holding me, birds chirping in the early morning light, and me....hacking and coughing, sounding like a barking seal. ugh! Not how I envisioned this going for me. If my breast were operated on right now, the coughing would rip my stitches. Not good. The staff at the PS office have been very understanding and are trying to find someone that might want to swap surgery days with me. Unlikely that will happen but they are trying. If not, then she said we will just cancel and reschedule in a few weeks. I am fine with this....frustrated that I came down with this horrible illness though. My body is working hard to get past it and I am so tired. I was so ready and looking forward to having the surgery behind me. Oh well! I am a firm believer in the saying : everything happens for a reason. Good luck to the women who are going under today...I can't remember names at the moment but I know there are at least two. xoxo.

Just posting a couple of pre ex-plant pictures. When I see the side view they seem to be somewhat flat at the bottom. I think my breast tissue has sagged a bit and the implant is still up higher in my chest. I originally had a benelli lift and the areola has never looked that great and there are pucker marks on my breast radiating out from the areola. Sort of hard to see in the pictures. In real life sometimes it's really obvious and other times it is not. My breasts seem to be wide on my chest and the implant sits way out from my rib cage and it's getting more pronounced as I have gained over 20 lbs since the implants and my breasts have grown.

sort of deja vu....I have one week to go,again..haha. This time, however, I am feeling much healthier. I still have a little bit of cough and sinuses still congested. Think I am battling springtime blooming which has added to the congestion. My energy is back and feeling strong. I have the energy to start preparing with house cleaning and yard work and back to my workout routine. And....back to the yucky dreams of post-op....it's really disturbing! This morning in my half awake state I thought about calling to cancel my surgery. I am back to feeling scared about the results....not scared about being small chested. I know I will end up around a B cup and I am perfectly content with that...it's what I want, in fact. It's just the damned scarring that has my head going. I was at one of my clients homes and told her I was going to not be working for the month of May. She is an elderly woman and was a nurse in her day, she asked why and I told her all about it. As we were still talking, a neighbor came calling....the woman I care for continued the conversation and the neighbor curiously asked what I was having done....then, she began to get very nosy asking me how old I was and how old I was when I got the implants. I didn't mind so much until she asked, "you aren't going to end up horribly scarred are you? I had a friend who had a breast reduction and she had scars all over her breast and they were just awful." (she seemed to go on and on in great detail about her friend).... Anyway, I know she didn't mean anything but her comment keeps playing in my head and it's had me really bummed out. She seems so rude to me...just non-thinking humans blurt out the stupidest comments. It takes a lot of energy to turn this around in my head and to feel confident again. *sigh*

Well...It's almost here. Two more sleeps and I will be implant free. At least I hope. Believe it or not, my cough still lingers. I believe they will do the surgery still as I hardly have any kind of production with my cough. It's a bit surreal and I have been trying to keep busy. Cleaned my house yesterday. After work today I will get my Rx filled and tomorrow stock up on a few groceries....I have 2 hungry teen boys to feed. My breasts are very sore today, this happens a lot lately, guessing hormonal but not certain. I feel really good other than that. Just sort of waiting and pretty nervous about the final outcome and how I will feel about how I look. Really scared for the amount of cutting and manipulating the PS will be doing...keep having scary dreams. I look at my breasts and I can really appreciate them and they look great....but still...they need to go. It's hard to keep my mind focused on the fact that this is the best thing for my health because I am not convinced I will look better after, but I don't want the implants in my body.

Strike up the bonfire on the beach at explant island....there's gonna be a bra burning! Anybody interested in joining? BYOPM&A (bring your own pain meds & Antibiotics).
Surgery was bright and early and I have been home for about 4 hours now. Everything went really well but won't get the full scoop until I talk to my surgeon at tomorrow's check-up. The anesthesia is a butt kicker! Super nauseated (feeling better now) and difficult to eat anything, so hard to take the pain meds. Not in a lot of pain but can tell the sutures are super tender...or maybe where the drains are. I'm super happy it's over but also anxious to know what I will look like It may be a few days before I can look . Whew! Thank you all for helping with this process.

The day after surgery.... So much better then yesterday. My darling bestie came over to babysit me. Bearing coffee and breakfast and fresh mango. She did a couple of loads of laundry, emptied my dishwasher, brushed and braided my hair and painted my toenails. Then we did a little internet shopping and I ordered two bralettes for me and one for her...super stoked to get them! After nap time she took me to my follow-up appt. Everything looks great..I didn't really want to look and only did because the nurse wanted to point bruising out that was normal. My nipples are alive and kickin' and swelling is moderate but it has distorted my breasts a bit and the nurse assured me that they will look drastically different then they do right now. Drainage is super minimal and all in all I am doing really good. The day before my surgery I went into my naturopathic Dr. and had a vitamin IV drip and he added NAC to help with my respiratory problems... I am way way better....like almost 100% better today with my lungs. Almost no coughing at all and I feel like I finally kicked it! Super super pleased and I truly am an advocate for the IV vitamin drip. It is a little spendy but the benefits are undeniably worth every penny. Although I am in a little pain from with the incisions and swelling and tired from the pain pills, I am doing great today. Trying to lay low and letting people help me...and yes, that is a challenge but I'm becoming quite fond of it. :) My guy is on his way home from work now to cook dinner. The best part is that all that anxiety I had before the surgery is seemingly gone. Just feel at peace now! It's been raining and gloomy all week and today the sun has come out and it's just amazing and fresh here. I am Loving Life!

Today was three days post-op and I finally was able to go to the bathroom. Whew!! what a relief..lol..I swear that is the worst part of surgery. I also showered and shaved my legs. I'm feelin' like a million bucks. My PS has been texting me every day to check on me and said we could take the drains out. I was able to meet him at his office this afternoon and he took them out! It was so quick and painless and feels really nice to get rid of them. It ended up being a big day for me and left me a bit worn out. All in all I am doing well. I'm not in too much pain..mostly just tender. Hoping the bruising clears quickly so I can look at myself without cringing. Not feeling brave enough to post photos. Goodnight and Good luck to all the brave women that will be explanting this week!

Here I am, day 5. Feeling pretty okay. No pain meds today and definitely a bit sore. Trying to tough it out. I had to run some small errands to the bank and P.O. and then to a shop for a quick purchase. Started to feel nauseated and pain...I'm home now and worn out so a nap is in order. Settling down with a cup of tea and the dog. My bruising hasn't changed a whole lot but usually that type of healing seems to take awhile. Every time I see my breasts, I'm shocked. Not sure how to feel about them. Sometimes I am disappointed and then I have to remind myself that they will look a lot different when they are healed and not swollen. Being patient right now is hard. Lots of burning and tightness in my breasts. I want to post pictures but honestly, you all would probably burst into tears at all the bruising. It's pretty bad. I will take some photos and decide if I will post or not. For now..nap time.

I'm a little upset at the moment. Something my surgeon said after my surgery just came back to me. I believe he said it the day after and I was on pain meds so it seems somewhat hazy to me. Anyway, I think he told me that he didn't remove the entire capsule. Something about the way it was attached and that it would have caused a lot of problems. I seriously feel like it was in a dream and have such little recollection of this conversation. I have a follow-up with him on Thursday so I will get more information. Right now I feel pretty upset. He assured me that he would remove the entire capsule, en bloc. We didn't talk about it a lot because I seemed pretty straight forward. He also didn't give my implants back to me, to be fair on this part, I had asked his nurse and she said to be sure to mention it to him....I forgot to say anything until after the surgery. The reason this upsets me so bad is that part of the reason I wanted to get of my implants was to get rid of all the toxins that could possibly be in the surrounding tissues. Does anybody have suggestions of what I should say to my PS on Thursday? Any words of comfort or reassurance in this matter. I feel like this was a major screw up. I don't want this to totally bring me down and weigh heavily on me.

Today was my one week post-op check up. Saw the PS for a whopping 5 min. He said the bruising is worse then most but not to worry. Other than that he felt like everything looked great. He left and the nurse took of the bandages from the incisions. It wasn't too bad but definitely not real fun. She said everything looked good. I looked down (only at my right nipple and areola) and had shock and horror and hot flashes and the feeling of vomiting, all at once. It is SO small. My areola is so small....I am freaking out. She assured me not to worry that it will take about 3 months for everything to settle into place...the puckering around the areola will relax and flatten out. I couldn't even look at my left side. I am so sick to my stomach and horrified. Why wouldn't he preserved as much of that tissue as possible. As you can see from my before pics, I had more than ample tissue there. After I stopped feeling like I was going to pass out, she left the room so I could dress. I looked at myself in the mirror and my breasts look totally weird and sort of deformed. I can't take it ! I don't know how to deal with this and I'm freaking out. I feel anything but good right now. I know I need to relax and give myself some time but right now I'm upset.

I am 12 days post-op. I took these pictures just now and I think the bruising looks worse now then it did 5 days post-op. It's actually starting to scare me. The PS saw me last week and said my bruising was worse than typical but didn't say much more. As I look at photos from others who had the same surgery, I am by far the worst! What is wrong? Was it the IV drip vitamin that I had before my surgery? Am I doing too much? What do I do? Everyday I think I will start looking better and I swear it's looking worse. It's starting to wear on my psyche and now I feel like I am mis-shapen and my lil boobies just look like hell!!! I am taking arnica both internally and a topical cream (once daily - I don't want to over do anything). I have been on several slow walks - my poor dog needs walking...she's awesome on the leash and never pulls...her leash goes around my waist so there's no arms used. I have not lifted anything heavy (except for yesterday I did for about 10 seconds, moving a 10 lb bag to my car) I did have to clean one of my homes yesterday (one of my clients) but I had help and I mainly did the dusting which the nurse assured me last week was fine for me to do. I am a typically very active woman and don't sit much so this has been somewhat of a challenge for me but I am taking it fairly easy...but maybe I am doing too much. ?? I hope I didn't ruin my surgery somehow with all this swelling and bruising.

Healing has been so much slower then I thought. Not that I expected to feel normal and look normal right away...but this bruising seems so stubborn...still in a fair amount of pain and skin burning is relentless. I am still practicing my patience though. However, on Friday, my right breast started to bleed. I noticed a very very small hole in the incision line around the areola, where it meets the vertical incision. Not overly concerned, but of course, I put a text in to my PS. He reassured me that I would be fine and to just put some gauze there to catch the drainage. He would have a look at my follow-up appt. on Tuesday (tomorrow). I woke up yesterday morning with quite a bit of blood soaked through my bandage and bra and also a weird sunken in spot next to the areola about 1 inch X 2 inches, that has a very odd spongey feeling. Yesterday I was feeling a little queasy all day but figured it was the thought of this hole in my breast and the odd sunken part. Feeling sick and queasy due to medical things is not a typical behavior for me. Today the hole is bigger still....maybe 1.5 mm...obviously draining quite a lot and queasiness is more pronounced. I have put a call into the nurse and anxiously awaiting her call. I have heard the holes, such as this, are somewhat common. What is typically done for the holes? Do they stitch them or take them serious? I worry about infection. BTW...my left breast only has bruising on the very bottom and from what I can see I am really loving my lil boob! Just have to give righty a lot of tender loving right now as she is not doing so well.

The nurse called me back and after listening to what I had to say, she told me to come in to the office ASAP! Mostly because the Dr. was finishing a procedure then going to be gone for the day. My Dr. looked and said that I just needed to drain the old blood out as I had a pretty bad hematoma. He was squeezing gently and sopping up the blood with gauze...he kept reaching for more and more gauze and seemed surprised at the amount that was coming out. He squeezed my breast and manipulated it so much and it was very uncomfortable. He was about finished and said it had slowed down and felt it was all drained - but kept squeezing...suddenly, he was in a panic and saying, it definitely wasn't all out...grabbing more gauze frantically. After the commotion he said, "here..look" I had soaked the front of his very very nicely starched and obviously expensive shirt! The robe I was wearing had blood all over it too. WOW! He actually said he deserved that! Then, he decided to open up the other breast in the same spot and let it drain. That was really difficult and very painful to go through this morning. He gave me a new bra that is much smaller and actually feels really nice. Over all I would say I feel a lot better now and I am so glad I went in...going back in tomorrow morning to see how everything looks. Whew! I'm optimistic now that my breasts will start looking better - it would have been a monumental task for my body to absorb all of that blood!

Went back in this morning and things are looking much much better. The bruising looks significantly improved and no more drainage. I'm super sore but in a way feeling much better. Planning to post pictures at the 3 week post-op date which is in 2 days...hoping for vast improvements. No more chocolate cake fixes...fresh fruits & veggies only...lots of water and fresh mountain air too!

I had my 4 week post-op visit with my PS. I got the clearance for any kind of physical activity as long as it doesn't cause any pain....except for lifting...nothing over 25 lbs. as I start to build my strength back. My bruising is still there but definitely getting better. I took some pictures but probably wont post them - I really want to post pics when my bruising goes away....it may take some time. The Dr. took the stitches out that had not dissolved and everything is looking really good. I am feeling good and have gone back to work this week. I still have a fair amount of pain on a daily basis and my range of motion with my arms is not 100% - there's a lot of pulling and pinching if I reach too far over my head. Although there have been a few rough patches along the way, I am so glad I did this and so so so happy to have those implants out of my body and my boobs are all mine!!!!!! Thank you for all the love and support from all of you beautiful brave women....this would have been so much more difficult without all of you. xoxo Any advice on scar therapy would be lovely. I have a scar gel...should I start using it already?

Six weeks out and feeling really good. My bruising is really diminishing now. I have been massaging with coconut oil every day after my shower, I think this is helping with the bruising. Getting back to my workout routine, even did some cardio work today with jumping jacks, running in place and also push-ups. I'm feeling strong and the pain is almost non-existent. I have full range of motion with my arms and at full extension there is a slight pulling feeling from the tightness of the sutures, but working on stretching my arms is helping this to get better. Love, love, love my natural breasts! Those implants were really lame!

Well ladies....it's still happening. I am 3 months post-op and the hematoma is still in my right breast. I have had over 100 CC's of blood/fluid aspirated and it just fills up again. It's a little painful but I'm used to it now. It's very discouraging as I am not fully healing. If anybody else has experienced this problem, I would love to hear how long it took for it to resolve and what was done. Thanks.
I really love the size and shape of my breasts and still happy I decided to explant...it's so good to be all natural again. xoxo