46 Yr. Old Wanting to Explant but SO Scared!

I'm 46...divorced mother of three. I have silicone gel implants now for 12 yrs. Loved my little size B breast but they were empty bags after breast-feeding 3 boys. My breast were so huge while breast feeding and I never felt comfortable with large breastsand was happy when they shrunk back down. After my last son was weaned, I thought about getting my breasts "fixed" but the thought of something foreign in my body was really challenging to accept. Well...after I found out about my husbands affair...and he told me how beautiful and perfect 'her' body was and breasts were...my low self-esteem and shattered life was all about trying to look perfect for my (now EX) husband. I got the implants and a size C+ looked pretty good on my very tiny body (I lost 30 lbs. in less then 2 months due to stress). They felt big though and fake and I didn't really love the idea, but I was trying to fake confidence so that my husband would only be attracted to me. (lame and insecure, I know, but that's what affairs do to a person) Well.... 8 years later... he cheated again. This time I had the courage to stand up for myself and I divorced him. Before I even found out about the second affair, I had already gone into my Plastic surgeon to get a reduction (at that point I didn't even really think taking them out was an option) . As discussed, I would need a full lift if I went down in size. This scared the crap out of me!! The thought of the scars was too much and I decided I wasn't ready. I knew one day I would do it, but not then. I have been divorced for 4 years now. I lead a very active and athletic life. I am continuously working on my self confidence and for the most part feel great. I have a new partner (who had NO idea I had implants). He is very supportive and a really great guy. I want my small breasts back. I want the implants out because I don't feel like me. Clothes don't fit right...shirts stretch funny across my chest, button down shirts are nearly impossible to wear, men stare at my breasts when they talk to me, being very athletic I find it difficult to find athletic clothes to accomodate larger breasts. The one positive...I really do love the way they look when I am naked.
Every time I go in to talk with my PS, I am confident that I am ready to go through with the procedure. Then, I chicken out. I get stressed out and confused and a ton of anxiety. I know this has to do with my low self-esteem and the fear that over comes me is so massive and so real. The last visit with my PS was in September 2015. The appointment went very well and he was very optimistic that removal of my implants would be a great choice. He thinks I have enough breast tissue to be able to have a small B cup...which I would be very happy with. His optimism got me really ready to go ahead with the surgery. When I went to schedule ( 3 different times) I had so much anxiety that I couldn't go through with it. I decided this meant I wasn't ready. I would wait 6 months, until April. April is almost here. I'm scared again. The one thing I did differently over this past winter was that I did some research to see if there were any adverse health affects due to implants. I didn't find a ton of information but I did find some AND I found this site. I have been experiencing joint pain, headaches, crazy dry skin, aches and pains all over, fatigue, digestion problems, and some other symptoms that seem to come and go. These things could be genetics or aging or who knows. After reading several of your stories, now I wonder....are these implants making me sick? I want to get them out. I want to be able to have this surgery and recovery without freaking out. I need to find my confidence. I need help and support. I am so confused as to why I want to do this so bad and yet I can't seem to go through with it. Any help or insight or encouragement is why I am posting. Anything will help...Thanks ladies...I have found an incredible amount of strength reading your stories.

Set my surgery date for April 13. I'm feeling very confident in my decision but only wonder now if I should wait on the lift or just go for it. This is possibly just another way for me to be dragging my feet. In the wee hours of the morning today, I was having a semi-awake dream of post-op. It was very real feeling and it was a bit odd....mainly had the feeling of "oh no! what have I done?" I know this is just a natural way of expressing my fears. I hope these feelings don't get more intense. My partner is very supportive in my decision.

My surgery appointment is set for April 13. Not sure if I really have my head wrapped around the idea yet. But I am trying to make some positive changes for the best chances at a healthy body pre-surgery. I have cut out my nightly glass of wine. Although, yesterday was a friends birthday and I did have a few glasses...regretting a bit this morning as I have a headache. Cutting out the sweets and as much of the crap food as possible, drinking loads of water, and taking my daily vitamins. My exercise has not been very possible as I have done something to my right foot and it is very tender. I enoy physical activity very much, so this has been hard to not be active, especially knowing I will be 'on the bench' after surgery. Oh well, patience is another thing I need to learn during this procedure. Yesterday I picked up my mammogram report to deliver the PS office. I also had a physical examination with my general physician and blood and urine tests done. I have been battling a chest cold over the past week and not feeling super great. My immune system has been tested this winter with so many sick people.....all around me...all the time. I held out on getting sick, and now here I am with a cold. Not to worry. I have over 2 weeks to get my health back. I think I may start looking at bras for after surgery. I'm pretty excited about that! Starting to have dreams about the procedure and the outcome, they aren't very pleasant dreams and they leave me feeling a bit upset and wondering if I am doing the right thing.