Ready to Stop Sitting on the Sidelines of My Life - 38F - Tucson, AZ. Surgery Date August 18th 2016

This is where my journey begins. I have made the life altering decision to have bariatric surgery and get healthy once and for all. It's time I stop being a bystander in my own life and take back the reins. I'm slightly scared, it IS surgery after all, but I'm excited and optimistic about the path that I'm beginning.

So I'm 37, have 2 kids - a preteen and a toddler. I'm 5 feet 1.5 inches and at my initial consultation, I weigh 273 lbs. My BMI is 51.6. Ugh. I'm borderline diabetic and I have high cholesterol, as well as suffer from chronic migraines and my knees are pretty shot.

I knew I was big, I just couldn't see it for as bad as it is. I didn't realize I was so far gone. Over half my weight is just...FAT. Seeing a recent pic of myself, seeing what others probably see - not gonna lie - it's rough. It's depressing. I dont recognize that person. I decided I have to do something to get healthy and be there for my kids for as long as possible.

I'm also engaged to an amazing guy, who sees me as beautiful no matter my size. He is supportive of my decision for weight loss, and since I've told him that I won't be a fat bride this time around, I need to get myself to a place where I can look back at the photos of the day and be happy with what I see. One thing from my prior marriage was that I didn't like how I looked on my wedding day and my wedding pics were disappointing to me because I wasn't happy with ME.

I've made the decision to do gastric sleeve surgery and will start my first of 6 monthly weight loss appointments on January 5th. Then in Feb, I'll have my 2nd appointment and my first nutritionist visit. I have to have a stress test of my heart, a sleep study, a scope of my esophagus and stomach, and I need to quit smoking before surgery, which hopefully will take place in July.

I'm taking it one step at a time, one day at a time. I could really use some encouragement. I find when something seems too hard, I just give up. I'm not giving up this time. I'm getting myself back, and becoming the person I see inside.

I'm annoyed with myself. I eat too much junk and I drink too many sodas and every drinks. I know I need to prepare myself and start making changes sooner rather than later, but I guess since I don't start my weight loss appointments until January, I'm just doing things the way I have been doing them and I'm just not making healthy choices for myself. I need to turn this around so I don't continue gaining weight.
I think I just need to be more prepared for my meals and plan ahead so I'm not eating what I can grab on the fly. I need to pay more attention to myself emotionally too and ask myself, when I eat, am I actually hungry? Or is it something else - like boredom, stress, etc?

I think if I observe myself and my emotional state as well as what I eat and when, maybe I can figure out how to change my dependency on food. I also need to start doing some exercise.

I'm anxious to be thinner and in better health, so why am I waiting to get started? I mean, really, I can lose 60 pounds and still qualify for surgery.

Meh.