The photos didn't upload during the first post so here they are! :)
Anyone with small children??
As my surgery date draws near, I obviously have lots of uncertainty about what's going to transpire the days/hours/months that follow my explant. One of my biggest causes of anxiety is how I am going to successfully recuperate with 2 small children. I have 2 boys, 3 years and 18 months. My youngest is very clingy and only wants me when he's crying and needs comfort. How on earth I'm going to hold him with drains and bandages? My husband is taking a week off from work to help, but unfortunately my boys are Mama's boys and they don't want Daddy when they're upset. The thought of pushing my babies away when they try to crawl up on my lap or not pick up my toddler when he raises his arms up to me is torture. Has anyone out there gone thru this surgery with babies/small children? If so, would love to hear your stories or advice.
PS...Just have to say how much I love and appreciate you ladies...since posting my review, I have been so uplifted by all your support and encouragement! A huge thank you to all of you - if I could hug you I would. :)
Not having doubts, but hating movies and TV right now
Okay so this is an very honest site, so I'm going to be honest with what I'm feeling today and vent a little bit. No doubts that I want to go forward with my surgery and still looking sooo forward to having these implants out of my body, but even with that said, I have to say it's been rough watching movies and TV this weekend. Why are women's boobs so glorified in every commercial, preview, movie, and TV show in existence? One moment I'm thinking, "Whoo-hoo, can't wait until these ridiculous implants are gone and I'm a natural, beautiful, healthy woman again!" and in the very next moment, I'm watching a young, blond woman with giant breasts wash a car while a group of men leer and drool (no, I'm not watching any naughty stations, just rent the the movie "Cool Hand Luke" and you'll know what I'm talking about). :) But I see that, and suddenly I find myself biting my lip and staring down at my shirt, envisioning that underneath I might soon be sporting the worst post-explant breasts ever in the history of the world. And self-doubt creeps in...I start worrying about what I truly will look like and how it might affect my marriage....will I be hiding myself forever in flannel pajamas while my husband glares at me from across the bed? Will my insecurities about having unnatural, fake boobs be replaced with even worse insecurities? I hate that I do this kind of thinking - it's so negative and doesn't help anything, so why do I let these thoughts creep in and fester? But unfortunately they do and it makes things just a little bit scarier. On the flip side though, I have all of your reviews and pictures that prove I'm being a little dramatic and causing myself unneeded worry. So many of you look great and have had results above and beyond what your PS predicted. I just gotta stay focused on that and say "big deal, who cares" when impossibly perfect breasts find their way on my television.
Thanks for listening to my venting... hugs!
I had my pre-op appointment yesterday and everything is a-go now (yea!)....(yikes!). Dr. Barone was a different man this time around; very warm and reassuring and answered all my questions without acting like he couldn't get out of the exam room fast enough. When we got up to leave he turned to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said, "Don't worry, everything is going to be just fine...I'll take good care of you, okay?" in a very sweet and gentle tone. So now I understand why he has such great reviews from other patients and I'm chalking up my first experience with him to just him having a rough day. It restored some confidence in him that I lost in my original consult.
They provided me with all my pain med prescriptions, scar gel, probiotics, antibiotic, bromelain and arnica. He couldn't tell me how long I'm going to have to keep the drains in, its more of a "wait and see" thing. I remember having drains when I got the implants and hated them, so dreading that part more than the pain I think.
I have my mother staying with me for almost a week to help care for my boys while I recup and my husband will be taking care of me the rest of the time, so that has put my mind at ease. I got a lot of comments from my PS and from all of you about how important it is that I rest and don't overdo it after surgery, so I'm taking the advice and basically shutting myself in our bedroom for a few days to keep quiet and sleep.
So that's it for now - just anxiously waiting until next Thursday morning! I am supposed to be at the surgery center by 9:00am and surgery is at 10:00am. I'll try to post pics/comments that day, but not sure how I'll be feeling, so might be a day later.
Countdown begins - I'll be implant free in 8 days! :) Whoo-hoo!
Getting nervous and scared....
Well, I don't know what happened between my update two days ago and now, but I'm feeling really strange today. I'm getting scared! I wasn't even batting an eye about this surgery before and now I'm almost emotional about it. My heart is pounding, my stomach is fluttering, and I feel like I could start crying if I let myself. I don't know where all this came from - I was so matter-of-fact and excited all this time and today its like a switch has flipped. I'm downright freaked out here...I picture myself on the day of surgery and my hands get freezing cold and sweaty. I'm not one who has ever been scared of surgery, of course there was always a little bit of nerves, but I've never been frightened like I feel today. I've had a small handful of surgeries in the past like having my appendix and tonsils removed and of course the original breast aug, but I don't ever remember feeling scared like this. Not even sure what triggered this anxiety - you would think if I was going to get scared it would have happened at my pre-op appt when the nurse asked me, "So are you ready for this?" and started handing me all my instructions, prescriptions, and discussing all the details. But I just sat there, cool as a cucumber and grinning with excitement. Now today that confidence went into hiding or something and fear quickly stepped in its place.
Did anyone else experience this? I mean, I understand that we're discussing surgery here and its natural that everyone would have some fears, but I just don't understand why suddenly out of nowhere I'm so shaken up. Just hoping its normal and going to pass quickly....
3 days and counting....
Just a quick update...my surgery is 3 days away and I'm so excited! The extreme anxiety hasn't returned since my last post, but I certainly do have some butterflies.
I just have to say, I find it so funny...when I first got my implants, I was soooo secretive about it and continued to be over past 14 years. I worried someone would find out or people were whispering behind my back and wondering. Then when I decided to get them out, I told my secret to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. And then after I joined this site and started "sharing" with all of you, I kinda felt a relief. Even though its anonymous, I noticed a heaviness was lifted when I shared my story. I felt "freed", if that makes any sense. They say secrets are poison and as weird as it sounds, I guess being so secretive about my surgery was poisoning me in a way. Ha - the implants were poisoning physically AND emotionally....good grief. Discovering this has given me a fresh point of view and over the past couple weeks, I've been telling just about whoever I realized its so NOT that big of a deal and people aren't judging me or pointing a finger at me and screaming, "You mean you've lied to me all this time??" They just say, "Wow, I never knew! Well, I'm so glad you're getting them out and I really hope you feel better!" They are actually pretty compassionate...and frankly, even if they do whisper or feel some kind of judgement, I really am not concerned about that. Getting healthy is my main goal and the rest is small potatoes. :) How stupid....how much time have I wasted on feeling insecure and overthinking what people might be thinking? SMH....
Tomorrow is the big day!!!
So by this time tomorrow, I will be at the surgery center! :) I am very excited (and of course, nervous). Today is my last day with implants and that seems a little scary, I'll admit. Tomorrow morning I am going to look completely different...I have not seen myself without big boobs in 14 years, so this is going to be quite an adjustment! Eeeeek!
But on the flip-side, I am relieved the surgery day is tomorrow because I'm hoping a month from now, I'm going to feel like a new woman. I am putting all my eggs in one basket here and praying that these implants are the cause for the majority of my health issues. I'm hoping the memory issues, the mental fogginess, the joint pain, my low thyroid and adrenal function, the hair shedding, constant fatigue, etc, will all be a thing of the past soon.
Wish me luck ladies - I'll post pictures (hopefully tomorrow), even though all you'll see are bandages and drains. :) Much love to all of you for all your support getting me to this day - you've helped me so much more than you realize! :) Hugs!
Surgery is over...
Today is day 2 and I'm not feeling very good, so this will be short. Surgery went well...it took an hour longer than planned because when my PS opened me up, he discovered that both my implants were ruptured and there was gooey silicone everywhere. He said he couldn't even see the shell of the implant anymore. So he dissected the whole capsule and removed it, then spent a lot of extra time cleaning me out. I will post more when I feel better - having quite a bit of pain today. But I'm on the other side now ladies - so happy to have those things out knowing how bad they really were.
More updates and pics to come soon.....I asked my PS to take pics of my implants, but he said there was nothing left of them...just piles of silicone. Scary....
Still feeling kind of rough
Hi everyone...just wanted to send another update. I'm still feeling a lot of pain today, but mainly just when I move around in bed or stand up. Standing up is the worst! When I stand, I feel like there are heavy weights pulling down on my chest and incisions and it does not feel good at all. I'm hoping tomorrow I will start showing some significant improvement. My husband still has to help me to sit up and lay back down. I have slept a lot since surgery - every couple hours I start nodding off. Its probably the pain meds, but I imagine my poor body has a lot of healing to do after all that silicone clean-up.
Thank you all for your thoughtful and kind words - you continue to lift my spirits, even during this not-so-fun recovery. Bless you!
So here are the pics...
And let's just say...I look pretty rough right now. The pain is very minimal today; I am off all pain meds and that's helped me feel a lot more clear-headed. I had my follow-up visit yesterday; they removed the bandages and I instantly felt relief! The bandages were starting to really bother me - I felt like they were digging into my body and crushing me, so there was immediate improvement once they were off. My PS decided to leave my drains in an extra few days (yuck)...can't tell you how happy I will be when those are gone too!
So about my breasts....I would be lying if I said my eyes didn't widen a little when I first saw them. I knew sort of what to expect from viewing other pictures on this site, but it doesn't take away the shock of seeing your own for the first time. They look pretty beat up and sad. I'm not going to let it get to me though - I know my body has a lot of healing to do, so I refuse to allow myself to get too swept up in their appearance right now. However, I do have a little emotion going on today. I think its a combination of several things...how I look, how helpless I feel (watching everyone else clean my house, take care of my kids, make food, etc), and knowing I have a few more weeks of it. But I know this is just a short season and quite honestly, its a small price to pay for getting all that toxicity out of my body!
Thank you so much for all your comments - I read them often because they are so encouraging and help me feel better. :)
Hi girls! So its been over a week since my surgery and I'm feeling pretty good! Still sore, but improving every day. I overdid it yesterday and I'm kind of paying for it this morning. I was feeling good and so I started doing some laundry and mild cleaning around the house. I was surprised how much I could do without pain and so I started doing a little more and a little more and a little more and then it happened....my 35 lb toddler started crying when my husband wasn't in the room and I did something really stupid and picked him up. I don't know what I was thinking...I thought I could press him tightly to my chest and lift with my legs and be able to do it. Yeah right...my body was like, "What in the heck do you think you're doing??!!" and I felt instant pain, pulling, and stinging in my chest. I set him back down and thought, "Uh-oh...what damage did I just do?" But today nothing too terrible seems to have resulted from that moment of stupidity...I'm just sore.
My breasts still look on the sad side, but less bruising and might even be less wrinkly. Its hard to tell because I'm in a compression bra 24/7, so they are always squashed down and funky-looking when I take it off for showers or to inspect my incisions (I'll post more pics at the 2-week mark).
I couldn't be happier that I did this removal, however its been an adjustment to get used to the new me. On the plus side I feel so light now! I never even realized how heavy those implants were until they were gone. I can take a deep breath with such ease now (more noticeable when the bra is off) and there is so much peace of mind knowing that toxicity is out of my body for good! :) But its still a surprise when I pass by a mirror and see my flat chest or when I take off the bra and see a completely different me. I'm not sad or depressed, its just an adjustment and will take some getting used to. On the bright side - I look like I dropped about 20 lbs! My torso looks so much longer and leaner, which makes me look more youthful and athletic. Gotta love that, right? :)
One question....I am starting to lightly massage my breasts. I wasn't sure how early to start doing that (of course forgot to ask my PS at my last visit), but I'm being very gentle when I do it. The thing that concerns me is, my incision feels so big, lumpy, and hard. For those of you who have had your incisions at the bottom....does that go away after it heals or will my breasts always be soft and squishy at the top and hard and lumpy at the bottom? Will my incision always be that noticeable to the touch?
I'll post another update in a few days along with new pics. Take care ladies! :)
Here are new pics....
So here I am, a little over 2 weeks after surgery. Quick story, when I got pregnant with my 1st son, I put on 70 lbs during those 9 months. Anyway, I started losing that weight a few months after giving birth and there was a specific moment I can remember looking in the mirror and being so pleased with my appearance. I had lost a good amount of weight and I thought, "Boy, I only need to lose a little more weight and I will be close to my pre-baby body!" Then I saw myself in a picture somebody had taken just a few days after I had been admiring myself in the mirror. I was horrified! I still looked quite overweight - I wasn't at all the woman I thought I had seen in the mirror that day. It was such a depressing moment and it put me in a funk for a couple days. I told you that story to tell you this story...I examined myself in the mirror yesterday and was like, "Hey, the boobs aren't looking bad at all! I'm pretty pleased with how much they are improving!" and then I walked out of the bathroom and asked my husband to take new pictures (the ones above). When I reviewed the pics on the camera, I found myself reliving that exact same moment I just told you about. Here I thought I was looking so good and then I saw an entirely different view of myself in those pictures. I don't know why that happens...seeing something so drastically different than how it really is. But regardless, it really affected me and I got pretty emotional. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband and he gently scolded me for being so hard on myself. He reminded me that it has only been 2 weeks since my surgery and my poor body has gone through a lot. He said, "You still have about 6-8 months of recovery and changes ahead of you and you are judging your appearance after only 2 weeks? Why would you do that to yourself?" Ah, geez...he's right. So lets just say, I had a freak-out moment followed by a woe-is-me-I-look-so-awful-pity-party, but now I realize its ridiculous to be worried about what I look like now because its still so darn early. Get a grip lady!
Physically I am feeling pretty great, but I can tell when I overdo it. I get quite sore the following day and my energy takes a nose-dive. But when I'm being a good girl and resting like I should, I feel pretty fantastic! :) I took a walk outside the other day and I felt so alive! I haven't felt that clear-headed in soooo long - it was wonderful. :) :)
I'm really not mental... :)
So I really need to amend my previous post. When I reviewed those last pictures on the viewing screen on our camera, I thought I looked pretty bad. I typed all those "I look so awful, boo-hoo" comments while my husband was uploading the pictures (he handles all that for me because I'm technically challenged). When they popped up on the site, I reviewed them for the 2nd time and I was truthfully a little shocked because they looked a whole lot better on the big computer screen then they had on the camera. I asked my husband if he had photo-shopped them at all to make them look better and looked at me like, "are you crazy?" and said of course not. I told him the pictures had looked so much worse when I saw them on the camera and now I look like some kind of mental patient because there is obviously a definite improvement in my breasts from the last pictures. So I apologize for looking a bit psycho - wish I could amend my last update, but I can't. :(
New pics and update
Hello Ladies! :)
Well, its been awhile since my last update, so thought I'd take a few minutes and let you all know how things are going. I'll list the highs I've experienced over the last month and then I'll admit the lows. But the good stuff first...let me just say I am feeling a definite improvement in my health since the explant...yippee! The joint pain is rapidly subsiding, although strangely some days it reappears for reasons I don't quite understand. But I definitely have less pain and some days I don't notice it at all, where as before I had it all the time. My hair has stopped shedding, which is awesome...I used to find my hair everywhere! It was all over my clothes, the furniture, the kitchen counter-tops, all over my bathroom, and I would even find it in the refrigerator (yuck, right?). Now I only notice it in the shower when I wash my hair. I find I am more clear-headed, but again, some days are better than others. I haven't noticed a significant spike in my energy levels, but I imagine I still have a bit more healing and adjusting to do before I notice improvement in that area. I sleep so much better because I'm comfortable again...no massive, painful implants are in my way anymore. :) My breasts are so soft and squishy - they feel so foreign to me after being firm and fake for so long. I can lift and carry my toddler around again and I only have just the tiniest amount of soreness around the sides of my breasts, but I really only feel it when I massage them. Other than that, I'm feeling pretty fantastic. I love that I can comfortably hug my loved ones again - I gave my father a big hug the other day and that means a lot to me because I would always hug him rather gingerly before. He never knew about my implants and I didn't want him to find out, so I always hugged him with a bit of worry, where as now I can hug him fiercely without a second thought. I finally told him about the surgery the other day and he was stunned...he had no idea I'd ever had it done. I said to him, "Its just crazy to me that you never suspected it all this time." He admitted with an air of awkward embarrassment that he just assumed I was a late bloomer...ha ha!
Okay moving on, lets talk about the negative side of things....booooo. I still haven't fully adjusted to the appearance of my breasts. They are obviously 2 different sizes and the left breast hangs down a lot lower than my right. I was wearing my compression bra 24/7 for over 5 weeks after the surgery, but I noticed that my breasts just kept sagging down as the weeks went by. It's like once the stitches dissolved and the scar wasn't as lumpy and hard anymore, the skin kind of "released" and drooped down. The line across my left breast has become more noticeable and things don't appear to be fluffing...more like falling. My nipples are flattened and "sad"...they seem to have given up trying to stay perky. Oh and someone PLEASE recommend a good freaking bra to buy!! I went to Kohl's the other day to buy a new bra for the first time and I was ready to punch myself in the face by the end of shopping experience. I must have tried on about 20 different bras and NONE of them fit me nicely. I finally settled on a bra that I only half-liked just because I couldn't stand the thought of being in front of that mirror a second longer. I cut the tags off after I got home and put it on to see how I looked in different sweaters and shirts in my closet. But after a couple minutes of moving around, the bra felt really strange and uncomfortable inside my shirt. I lifted my shirt to see what the heck was going on and the bra was practically resting under my chin! WTF? I had the straps on the loosest setting possible, so it wasn't like things were too tight, but apparently I am now so small-breasted that they cannot anchor a 36-A cup bra well enough to rest properly on my chest! I was angry and disgusted and ended up returning the bra and haven't tried any others on since. Can anyone recommend a bra that has molded cups or something to help give me the illusion of perky figure, but is also comfortable? I would adore any suggestions...the thought of going back and trying on 47 different bras again is horribly depressing.
So that's it in a nutshell...obviously I am ecstatic that my health is improving and still loving how light I feel now. Now if I can just find a bra I'm happy with, I imagine things will continue to improve. :) Couldn't be happier that I did this and I'm looking forward to a fabulous year ahead! I wish you all the best in 2014 as well! :)
Take care everyone!
My pics from the last post didn't attach due to technical difficulties. Here they are!
Detox/clean-eating buddies out there? :)
So I was chatting with Fixit225 about all the sugar and processed carbs I've been stuffing my face with over the holidays and about doing a short-term detox cleanse and clean-eating after. For me, it always helps if I know somebody else is doing it along with me - it keeps me somewhat accountable and less likely to say, "Ah, forget it..." after a day or two. :) My biggest goal for the year (now that my implants are history!) is to improve my health as much as I possibly can. I hope in doing so, my energy levels will start to increase and my joint pain will go away permanently...none of this "feel great one day, hurt a lot the next" nonsense. :) So, the definition of clean eating for me personally is cutting out (or limiting I should say - lets be honest here) sugar, processed foods, and buying organic produce whenever possible and organic, grass-fed meat. I wish I could also say "cutting caffeine" in that definition, but I frankly love my morning coffee way too much and that just ain't gonna happen. :) I know consuming caffeine is really bad for me because of my adrenal issues, but I have long ago admitted defeat in the battle of coffee addiction. Its definitely my vice! :) I've at least limited myself to a maximum of two cups a day.
So anyway, if anyone else wants to jump on board, I just wanted to throw it out there that I'm doing it and you're welcome to join me! Nothing strict, nobody will be held accountable here, I wanted to put it out there. Do whatever is best for your own bodies...some people don't eat meat or dairy or whatever else, so just saying eat whatever is healthy for you.
Oh, I'm also starting infrared sauna treatments soon to help my body detox and I'm eliminating all nasty chemicals - that means whatever goes on my skin or in my hair is 100% pure. I've started using Henna Maiden plant-based hair color to get rid of my grays and pure shampoos and conditioners. The only thing that I'm going to continue using that isn't 100% pure are my "Its a 10!" hair products because I love them so much. :)
A quick word about exercise...I'm going to start doing moderate exercise 3-4 times a week at first (walking mainly - I have quite a few "Walk Away the Pounds" DVDs) and then after a couple weeks, I'm going to bump it up...will add Zumba and The Firm DVDs (if my knees don't hurt too much), which are a bit more intense. My crazy thought is that once spring comes along, I might try to start jogging outside. I am not a jogger - my joints always hurt when I tried before and I frankly hated it, but I am still drawn to it and admire people that do it. Who knows, maybe now that the toxins are out of my body, I'll find that I really enjoy it this time. :)
Let's hope these changes and resolves will result in shedding some pounds and gaining superb health and energy!!! I'm starting Monday (Jan 6th) and just as an afterthought, for anyone who is still waiting for their surgery...eating healthy and eliminating toxins now will only help you heal/recover and bounce-back that much quicker! :) Much love to all of you! XX