A Long Journey of Tattoos, Removals, Cover Ups, Mental Health, and Finding Peace.

For many years I have read through many of your tales of regret, anxiety, depression, acceptance, removals, cover ups, etc. I hope my story can help others. I'll make it short and sweet since it's been a saga spanning for 15 years. I started with a small lower back tattoo. Nothing special, a black ink kokopelli. But then I thought it was so simple and small and plain and needed more. So I had this triangular design done around it. Worst mistake, it was awful. It was so long ago I never even had a picture of it (pre social media and cellphone cameras). I went into a crazy state of depression and anxiety knowing what I did voluntarily to my body. I began removal (circa 2004). I was going really well for a while then the tech used the wrong laser on my 7th treatment and gave me permanent scarring to my back. I stopped immediately pursuing removal. I hope the scarring would heal and I would find another solution.
Years later after consulting countless dermatologists I learned I was beyond help. It was permanent and it would not smooth out. So next step? Cover up. The cover up wasn't a bad tattoo at all, an ocean scene I felt meant more to me than what was there before. It was then that feeling once again hit me of "oh god what did I do AGAIN?". My mind told me to get over it, it's there and it's done. One day a friend pointed out to me how it almost had a space ship shape to its outline and it just wrecked me. I screwed up. And I paid for it in many ways.
I lived with this feeling for many more years. Sort of accepting but always regretting. There are many mistakes you can fix and never think of again, but when it's a piece of ink on your body it can feel like a ghost following you around, a shadow always there reminding you of your failure.
I decided then I couldn't take it anymore. I was on anti anxiety meds, I was insecure, I stopped dating because I felt ugly naked. So I returned to the world of removal. Again. For the same spot for a second time. I had 5 sessions with Revlite, then 2 more with Picosure. I was able to lighten it up enough for another coverup. YES. A second coverup! What an ordeal I put my body though. I found an amazing artist in Charlotte that was no stranger to some few people that happened to do what I did. It was a comfort knowing I wasn't alone. I ultimately decided I wanted really great artwork vs horrible scarring and shadows. I got a large piece done on my back that represented my growth, change, mistakes, and acceptance. And I loved it.
It brought me back to my love of tattoos and the art behind it. So a few years later I got brand new tattoo on my shoulder. I thought I'd be so happy because I felt rejuvenated for my tattoo love. But then the panic set in again. For NO DAMN REASON. I was so confused. I loved this, I planned this, so why do I feel guilty? No one judged me, not my friends nor family. I judged me. I was my own worst enemy. So much that I went back on the meds to keep me from crying and sleeping the days away.
Through therapy, support from loved ones, and reassurance it was something that made me beautiful and unique I loved it once again. And this year I got my third tattoo piece. On my inner bicep this time. Matching best friend tattoos. Probably my favorite piece honestly and the detail is amazing. But once again a month late panic set in. Why do I keep paying to hurt my skin? I have 3 beautifully well done pieces from the same amazing woman and I love them all. But I can't help but think some days what I would be like with "clean" skin.
Here is my point. You made this decision for yourself. You made your body into a living piece of art. Sometimes some of us are prone to buyers remorse, regret, hindsight...but I remind myself every day of why I did it. What they mean to me. The strength it took to even tolerate the pain, the compliments from strangers and family, the meaning behind the image and how beautiful those are and the memories they represent.
I still struggle, I still have anxiety. I see a psychotherapist. I have as needed acute panic attack medications. But I am learning to appreciate what I have and how those experiences molded me into a stronger person for it.
From someone who has been on every side of this forum. I've had removal of all kinds of lasers, I've had cover ups, I've had regret. But in the end removal is not what you think it is. It IS PAINFUL. It can scar. Your skin will never have the same look or texture it had pre-tattoo, even with the prettiest results you see on this sight. And it's not an overnight fix. It's YEARS and THOUSANDS of dollars.
I hope this story helps you find peace knowing the good and bad of removal and tattooing. Be smart and educated. But most importantly work on LOVING yourself, no matter what may be on your body. I have pictures for you to see what this choice can put you through and what the end result can be.
I'm still working on my mental health and being proud of my body. But I am slowly realizing it was never about the body art, it was about accepting who I am as an individual.