A Fuerzas

I love music. I find that often times for me it is the best way to express myself. A ballad can extricate my feelings of melancholy more readily than any conversation. A little reggaeton can really get me pumped. Mana and Juanes will really inspire the fiery, latin passion and intensity that lies right beneath my surface.

I often find an epiphany or two in a song when I quiet myself long enough to listen to my own longing.

"Love the way you lie" was the song that finally turned on the lightbulb in my head in my first marriage. I used to feel so much pity for the women who stayed in abusive relationships. "How sad," I thought, "she doesn't know who she is, she needs to learn to love herself." I thought "I don't understand what makes you think that's ok." Then it dawned on me: "What makes YOU think that's ok?"

I had heard that song countless times before, but suddenly I realized that it was me. I wasn't being punched or kicked (yet, but eventually that was introduced as well), but I had allowed myself to be reduced to less than me. I had stayed for the greater good for nearly 12 years. Suddenly the greater good was slipping right between my fingers. The dream that I had held on to from the age of 15 had slowly, imperceptibly morphed into a nightmare.

But I digress. Fast forward and that one little line from Alicia Keys defined a former risk that yielded freedom. I want to taste freedom again.

For me, sex needs a longer name. It's beautiful. Intimacy for me is a sacrament. It is a dance between two people that should communicate more than the carnal. It should satiate your emotional, spiritual and physical wants, needs and consciousness. I have been fascinated with traditional tantric sex since I first experienced a sexual relationship. I have always felt innately that sex can be a doorway to the divine.

Everyone has hangups. My new husband is beautiful. Inside and out. He has the most beautiful body that I have ever had the pleasure of caressing with my fingertips. His face, his eyes, his ...aaah! Everything about him is delectable.

Nevertheless, he is so reserved. He is so mechanical and controlled. It's like having this stunning, healthy, glistening stallion that you are only allowed to pet in the stable. An exquisite specimen that is to be looked at and not ridden. Wow! It is frustrating. It has tried my patience, my confidence, and my willingness to abase myself in begging for that which should be freely given.

I don't think there is a man out there who receives as many compliments and loving expressions of affection as my husband. I am demonstrative to say the least. I have worshipped his body in every sense of the word.

I want him to look at me the way that I look at him. I want him to touch me with the same reverence that I touch him. I want him to want me the way that I want him.

Do I believe the surgery will change that? No.

What I do believe is that with the surgery I will be able to be fully engaged. I won't be worried about his hands wandering across the parts of my body that make me cringe. I will be more in tune with what I need to do in order to put him at ease. I will be more readily focused on his breathing, his heartbeat, his warmth, his vibrations, his movements, his taste, and all of him. Not my own hangups.

I want the surgery to give me that freedom. The freedom to take the focus off myself. I want to feel confident that my body reflects who I am.

There is nothing about my personality that is droopy. There is nothing about my character that says lax. There is nothing about who I am that is ambiguous. My character is defined by a firm resolve, an over proportionate amount of energy, resilience, passion, and an inordinate desire to stay pumped no matter what life throws my way.

I want my 'After' pictures to show the definition, firmness, energy, resilience, and pumped characteristics that make me who I am.

I want my 'After' pictures to inspire passion.

My stats
Hispanic female
Age: 31
Height: 5'5.25"
Weight: 145lbs
Oldest child:13
Youngest: 18 months