6 WEEKS PO- Doing well and LOVING my new bubbies!! TT healing well. - Santa Rosa, CA

Hi lovely ladies, You have no idea how difficult this is for me. I was almost in tears taking my pictures today. It is because of your honesty and bravery sharing your intimate pictures and thoughts that has given me the courage to write this and post my own (scary) pictures.I work so hard with my clothing and makeup to look good everyday but its all smoke and mirrors. I realized that I never even allow myself to see what I look like naked anymore as Im so ashamed at how my body is looking. I take so much time with my hair, use great products on my skin and always wear inserts in my bra, clothes to hide the bad and accentuate the positive, wider legged jeans to balance out the hips, etc, etc. Its SO exhausting having to work so hard at it. I want dressing to be easier. Do you know how I feel? A bit about myself. I am 52 years young, and have 3 young adult children... 2 still at home. Im 5'7" tall and weight about 200 lbs. Yikes...Iknow....too big. I was around 130 lbs in my 20s and after 3 kids (in my 30s) my weight settled at about 160-170. I actually felt pretty good at this weight. It sounds like alot but I seem to be able to carry more weight than smaller boned woman can. I was in a very emotionally abusive marriage for 20 years and at the age of 40 was finally set free! It seems strange looking back but for those 20 years of my life my self esteem had become so nonexistent that I actually didnt want a divorce. I was raised that marriage is forever and I guess I was so brainwashed that didnt realize how horribly unhappy I actually was. It wasnt until my husband left me for another woman (one of his many!) and decided that he didnt want to be a father anymore, that I feel my life actually began. I was a single mom of 3 kids (one with autism), having to work full time and raise the kids 100% on my own (no family around to help) but all of the sudden I felt like I could breath again. It was as though a horrible, dark cloud had disappeared from the house and my life. I started to date and realized that I wasnt the undesirable freak that he had led me to believe I was. Men actually were attracted to me and wanted to date me. I was stunned!!! I had loved, loved, loved raising my kids- they meant the world to me but I had never actually thought about what I wanted in my own life. At the age of 40, I felt like a 20 year old again. The world was my oyster!! I am now married to a wonderful man who actually loves me and treats me with so much love and kindness. He knew how much I was wanting to repair my body and encouraged me to do whatever I felt I needed to feel good about myself. Old habits die hard- Ive felt guilty spending so much money on this upcoming plastic surgery. Ive asked him several times if I really was worth spending all this money on. He tells me that Im MORE than worth it.I got a good one this time! In 4 days Im having a full tummy tuck (possibly with muscle repair), BA (silicone either 550ccs or 600cc- having a hard time deciding) and lipo on the hip area. I am still at least 40 lbs overweight ( I had a back injury several years ago and my weight spiraled out of control) and so am a bit nervous about the outcome with all my extra poundage. It was so helpful for me to see other woman who are also on the larger side having the tummy tucks done and having such good results. It has eased my mind. This past year was a doozy for me. I lost 40 lbs (went from a size 18 to a size 14) and have not gained any back but have not been able to lose any more. My emotions were all over the place as my dad was dying from pancreatic cancer and had just 8 months to live after being diagnosed. I also suffer from chronic back pain and chronic fatigue.I then became very ill- had emergency gall bladder surgery and ended up in the hospital for 10 days. I had severe complications and developed pancreatitis. It tooks months for me to get my energy back and feel halfway human again. My son (with autism) also had a heck of a year. I think that my health problems realy upset him as Im his primary caretaker (his dad refuses to see him). Anyhow, Ive lost 0 lbs in the past 8 months. I decided to go ahead with my surgery though as Im just tired of waiting. I also am in the process of building a house (in Hawaii) and we are going to retire there this summer. I want to be able to go to the beach and not hide out in an ugly 1 piece. As I plan to spend several days a week at the beach, I really am motivated to get into better shape. Also, I plan to live in sundresses and in those your arms need to look halfway decent. We flew over in November and then also December to check on the house and I actually felt attractive in my dresses. The biggest problem was my poochy stomach sticking out. Yug! I also wanted to mention that I had surgery on my eyelids (upper and lower) after my divorce. It was such a great experience for me that I am now wanted to do it again. Dont get me wrong- it is hugely painful but the results were so worth it. I got tired of being told how tired I looked even when I felt great. The surgery gave me back my youthful look and everyone guesses my age at10-14 years younger. This was 12 years ago and Im still reaping the benefits of it. It also gave me the confidence to get back into the dating world. It gave me the confidence that resulted in my marrying a wonderful man. I have learned so much from reading all of your postings. Thank you, thank you!!!! Love you guys!! If I can help just one person then my time here spent writing this is worth it. Im posting some before pictures and after my surgery next week I will post new ones.

Ok, so its the night before my surgery and I think Im feeling a bit numb. I actually felt more nervous the past few weeks than I feel today. I was in nesting mode this weekend. I couldnt stop cleaning or organizing. Maybe its my way of coping with what I know is soon to happen- when your busy cleaning it burns all that exsessive energy and keeps you from thinking too much about whats to come.
Ive been thinking about this for the past year and now just need to veg for the night and be at peace with my decision.

I know that so many woman on here are very worried about being judged and I can completely relate to those feelings.

I think that Im in a bit of a different situation though as Im moving soon to the middle of the Pacific ocean where nobody knows me and wont be comparing my befores and afters. I also dont have any family nearby and they are not very observant or curious and so I really dont think theyll notice. I may even wear a minimizer on those rare occasions when I see them. There are many woman that developed large chests naturally and Im just going to be confident in my new body and not let anyones opinions affect me.

There are people that will judge you if they think youre not attractive enough or dont have as much money as them and there are people that will judge you as being superficial if they think you look too good or have more money than them. Thats why you need to feel confident in yourself and not care so much about others opinions. The right people will love you just how you are and who cares about the others!!

This is the best part of being 52. When you reach the age of 40 (at least this was the age of enlightenment for me) I realized how stupid I had been to be so overly concerned with what other people thought of me. You finally realize what a waste of time that is. Im kind and considerate to other people and if they dont like me its really THEIR issue and not mine.

Ok- off my soapbox.....sorry if I run on too much...
I wont go into the supplies Ive bought as there are 100s of those lists already online.

I was struck with how hard of a decision it is to decide which size to go with for the BA. I think that its such an emotional issue and the Drs that talkabout it as though its just a question of the size of your chest wall are missing a huge component of the issue. I wont go into all the different reasons why I chose what I did (because its probably just the rambling thoughts of a semi-crazy mind.) lol I did however come to the relaization that I didnt want small breasts that would look completely "natural". I had the desire to have very nice, full and larger sized assets. I decided that I wanted the largest that wouldnt look rediculous for me and that my body could handle. I looked at 1000s of pictures and decided that a very full D (up to 650ccs) looked great, but anything larger looked stupid to me. Now this is completely just my own opinion. Everyone needs to make their own decisions about sizing. My body would look incomplete with 350ccs whereas a
much shorter, smaller boned woman would look terrific with this size. In my mind I had to seperate what I felt others would think or want with what I really wanted....and I wanted some really nice sized knockers!! lol After breast feeding 3 kids (a year each) and having a larger bone structure Im able to accomodate 600ccs silicone.
Ive read over and over woman saying that they wished they had gone bigger. I decided to do just that . I watched my daughter love her new bubbies (450cc silicone). They felt so large to hetr at first because she was starting out very flat. Now at 6 months PO, she has gotten used to having them, they have fluffed and dropped and now shes wishing she had gone just a bit bigger (500-550). Do we all just want more than we have?? Will I be wanteinmg mine bigger after getting used to DD's? I really hope not!! I have decided that I will be happy with them no matter what the shape and size turn out to be. Im going to start working on my weight once again when Im healed and just learn contentment with what I have. Im not going to start obsessing over my fat thighs when my stomach and chest have nothing for me to complain about!!!!!

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Please say a prayer for my surgery tomorrow and I will also say one for yours. See you on the other side.....hugs!!

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers!!
Heres an update on my surgery experience. Im so happy to let you know that it was so much easier than I had anticipated. I went in at 8:45 and was taken into the surgery suite at 10:15. I felt a complete sense of peace during the process. I layed down on the table, had the i.v. put in (it burned a little), went to sleep and woke up 3 1/2 hours later. It felt like minutes.I had a full TT, muscle repair, lipo on my hips and 600 cc silicone BA. I woke up very easily and heard the nurse calling my hub to come get me. I couldnt stop smiling- I was so happy that it was over with. 3 days later and Im still smiling. I cant believe how flat my stomache is!! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new boobs!! Heres a breakdown on the pain process for the first few days.

Tues (Jan 15th) surgery day- My pain levels were very low today. I woke up from surgery feeling great. My stomache and hips feel good. The most pain is in my Left boob. Putting onthe surgical bra hurt- burning, stabbing pain but once on felt much better. Laying down I have no pain. Getting in and out of bed is BAD BAD BAD. Thats when the burning, stabbing boob pain starts up. Forget trying to push up with your arms. It hurts! You need help getting in and out of bed. Walking to the bathroom I felt very dizzy all day and it made me nauseous. Tried to throw up. Big mistake. Just keep it down! Finally used a nausea suppository. Couldnt get it in myself- had to have hub put it it in. Embarrassing!! Got up every 2 hours to walk around and go to the bathroom. Toilet seat riser (with handles) is a must!! Very helpful. I had a very sore throat and everything tasted bad. I drank LOTS of fluids all day. Slept well at night. Had to wake my husband twice to help me to the bathroom. I cant even feel the drains at all.

Wed (Jan 16) day 1 postop-
Nausea gone. Still dizzy when walking to the bathroom. Still drinking lots of water. Feeling really good today. The worst is getting out of bed. I get these sharp burning spasms in my boobs. Mostly the left one. Stomache doesnt hurt and neither do my lipoed hips. I had delivered a sleep number adjustable bed 2 days before my surgery. It has helped so much as I can get really comfortable laying down . It is like a hospital bed. It is ugly when the back is up, etc but when down it looks like a normal bed. An adjustable bed or an adjustable bed is very helpful. All fo the pain I was having occured when getting in and out of bed- we finally figured a solution. I get my legs onthe side of the bed and my husband lifts me up while i go completely limp not using any of my muscles at all. I can finally get out of bed without all of the booby pain. Great day!!

PO day 2 -
Worst day yet. Woke up with a bad headache. Coffee and food helped.My back was extremely painful. I was hunched over all day when trying to walk. Back was spasming badly. This must be the swell hell that I read about. I really dont feel very swollen but something is definetely going on in my abdomen for me to be having so much back pain. Its funny- my stomache still doesnt hurt. My brain just doesnt seem to know where the pain is coming from exactly. My primary care Dr told me to expect pain on day 3 as this is when the swelling flares up. Still dizzy when walking around. Im cleared for a shower (48 hrs) but dont think I can handle it. I just wash my face, brush teeth and use wet wipes so that I feel human. I finally took the bandages off my stomache because Im so curious what my stomache looks like. I swear Im looking at someone elses stomache. WOW WOW WOW It is flat, the incisions look great,my hips even tho swollen are so much smaller and i have a tiny new little belly button. Im so happy I HAD THIS DONE!

PO day 3-
Back still hurts but not as much. I am keeping up with the pain meds (percocet) every 3-4 hours. The first day I took it every 2-3 hours. My Dr said to take it regularly and not to wait for pain to take it as thats a big mistake. It can be hard to catch up with the pain. I dont like taking narcotics but with this type of surgery I think its crucial in order to heal properly and be comfortable while healing. I will post pics when I can get to the 2nd floor computer. Ive been stuck up onthe 3rd floor. I will write more when I can- writing makes me dizzy- must be the percocet. Good luck and wishes to those healing right now an dthose anticipating their sugeries. I will try to answer any questions asked.....