Smashed into a 36FF, down to a D. - San Jose, CA

I'm one month from turning 39 and am currently cramming myself into 36FF bras. I've been as high as 36I and I've come to hate them. I try to look at them as sexy...as what "other women" pay thousands of dollars to try to get, or so I've been told by men who think "I'm out of my mind for REDUCING them." But, enough is enough. Other women are NOT paying thousands of dollars to have to buy bras online, to not fit into blouses, to have button up shirts pop open at the bra line and gape open all day without me realizing. They aren't trying to get back problems or see a chiropractor week after week. And so on. About the only thing we have in common is that, they are probably trying to find contentment with themselves or their bodies.

I've thought about breast reduction for 15+ years. In the mid 90s, I investigated it. Insurance had even preapproved it. But, I was in my early 20s. I hadn't had any kids and was worried about the impact on breastfeeding. And the scars. The scars scared me to death. Diagrams of scars, not even photos, would scare me to death. I chickened out and that was that.

More recently, I became interested in lipo. I've seen a lot of info about new method like laser and freezing that are a lot less invasive than "traditional" lipo. So, having struggled with other areas of my body for years too, I went for a consult. While I was there, I also shared my interest in a breast reduction. They pulled in the PS who specializes in that and...the ball was in motion. I suddenly felt excited and totally on board. I've had one child and, for reasons I won't go into here, I wasn't able to breastfeed her. Talk about irony. So, if we do decide to have another, bf won't be an issue. And, the scarring...well, techniques have some a long way in 20 years and it just doesn't look as Frankensteinish anymore.

I'm now looking forward to words like "perky" and seeing how clothes are "supposed to fit," not to mention how I will feel not feeling like a spectacle when I wear something form fitting or looking like I'm wearing a muumuu when I wear something looser. I'm looking forward to better posture and less strain on my mid/lower back and shoulders. I'm looking forward to being able to exercise (first time in life I've said that) without having to strap up in a $200 sports bra that looks and feels like a giant uniboob, and not having my shelf jumping up and down, tugging on my body. I'm also looking forward to NOT having pimples and sweat in my cleavage from sleeping on my side or wearing bras that smoosh them together, creating cleavage that goes all the way up to my neck.

Right now, I'm I'm feeling intimidated by the surgery and recovery. It's just over a week away and I'm so excited and nervous and scared and happy. I just want to get it over with already! I have my preop tomorrow, and I'm sure that will help soothe some fears while creating anxiety of what I need to do to prepare. I'm really afraid of not being available for my beloved 3 year old daughter, the light of my life (most days). Not holding her, tossing her around, rocking with her in my lap and reading to her. I'll feel terrible if a "month off" changes our relationship. I cherish these moments with her still. But, in the grand scheme of things, one month shouldn't be that big of a deal, right? I mean, her dad is here and committed to helping out more while I'm recovering. And, hoping that I'm feeling great by the holidays, I'll have a chance to rekindle a bond with my girl. My other significant fear is waking up and seeing myself for the first time, smaller and with them placed where they should be and being in shock. Will it be too weird? The first time I'm able to feel them without bandages, will it be shock all over again? LIke...this isn't me. Whose are these? Or, will I be in love with them? Of course, I lean heavily on the testimony of those of you who've been through it already and only regret not doing it sooner.

Things I've already learned are sort of scattered. I've gotten tips from this forum, for sure. And, I've quickly learned that community is a huge positive force for me. I'm so glad to have found this forum. THANKS Kimmers! I've added many things to my list of questions to ask my doctor like, how to prepare for sleeping. Ice...is that ok? My preop bloodwork showed some blips in my liver values--does that change the game plan for pain meds? Will I be able to back at work after 6 days, like I'm hoping...or am I kidding myself? (I'm the sole income for a family of 3, so losing face at work is a problem for me.)

So, with that, my count down begins. It's Sunday evening and I am to check in for my surgery at 6:30am on week from Tuesday. I have one week to clean and do laundry (one weekend, actually) and...to put myself through something major that I'm hoping will change my life. No pain, no gain. Right?

I've never been one for pep talks. I'm more of a reality girl. But, I think in this case, I'm loving all of the positive support I'm seeing between women who have in common only BR and the woes they've experienced before and after.

I'll get before photos up before the procedure, and will try to share the after photos right away, and months down the road. Thanks to this community for your interest in my story, and the support of everyone else on here. It's making this a lot more real an less fearful for me.