I have finally set the date for my surgery! February 17, I will be getting breast implants. I can't even understand the different emotions and thoughts this makes me have. 80% of me is extremely excited. I cannot wait for my new body and to finally have boobs for the first time in my life! I've been flat chested and my chest has not changed since I was 12 years old. For my entire life, I've had to avoid strapless dresses, low cut shirts, and bikinis and bras with no padding. I've had ex-boyfriends and cruel friends poke at the fact that I have a pretty severe "bubble" butt (which I have come to embrace and love) for a petite white girl, but the same chest as a 13 year old boy. I've had to watch every inch of my body mature into a grown woman, but watch my chest remain the same and make me feel like I'm still a child and be self conscious in bikinis and never go anywhere or let anyone see me without a padded bra. But in 3 (what seem like very long) months...I will finally have balance to my body. My breasts will poke out with my butt, I can look in the mirror and see a woman. I'll know what it's like to wear a sports bra...and not have to place padding in them to hide the fact that my chest is the same level as stomach. I'll get to have cleavage! Glorious cleavage.
But there is 20% of me that is scared shitless. I'm in a medical field, I know what anesthetic death is, and I know it's possible. Rare. But possible. I know there is a chance I go too big (not big enough isn't even a fear...I'll be happy with any sort of definition in my chest) and maybe won't look natural. What if I don't respond well to the implants? Even though I have total confidence in my surgeon...what if they don't turn out right? I've decided to go for the tear drop shaped implants. They go better with smaller frames like mine, look more natural, and my surgeon is certified in placing them and prefers them. However, because they are shaped...if the inside cut is wrong and one is out of place...I'll have lopsided boobs!
Now...I know the 20% portion of fear is irrational...lopsided boobs? Really...no. My surgeon is confident, his previous work looks amazing using the tear drop implants, and apparently what small amount of breast tissue I do have...it is perfectly symmetrical and he said multiple times how excited he is to see the end results on me. But I'm a woman...so it's in my DNA to drive myself crazy.
Honestly...the biggest thing that is driving me crazy...the wait. The long...drawn out...wait for my boobs. So many things are happening before February that I owe so wish I could have boobs for...the military ball, my work's holiday gala, new years...it'd be so great to wear dresses that subtly show off my new figure! But alas...next year will have to be my year of sexy but elegant cleavage for special occasions. Then there's the bra issue...holy crap I need new bras. My 32AA push up wires are poking through, the straps are getting stretched and the push up action is depleting with each wear. The infamous gap in between my body and the bra is getting more and more noticeable. Usually at this time...I'd be hitting up VS and Macy's for 1. a 32AA bra, and 2. a sexy 32AA bra...not one for teenage girls. But I really don't want to go buy new bras I'm going to not be able to wear in just 3 months (hah...I love how the long 3 months quickly turned into "just 3 months"...I'm a nut). Plus my mom is flying in to help care for me for the 2 weeks after surgery...and since marrying a Marine and slowly moving from the east coast to the west coast state by state over 3 years and only seeing my mom once a year for a week...getting to have her around for 2 is an all new level of excitement. My dad was going to come until we both realized how awkward it would be for him to be caring for his youngest child and only daughter and her new boobs. "Hun...make sure you wear your surgical bra...it's time to massage your rock hard new boobs!" no thank you. My dad and I are close...but not that close. I don't even think he was ever told I had a period. I assume he figures I've had one by now and that's enough for the both of us. God help us both when I get pregnant one day. My poor masculine daddy.
I think my husband is excited...but he won't admit it to me. He of course tells me he loves me the way I am...he married me...flat chest and all. I believe him, I truly do, and when I tell him this he says "So why do you want this?" After being asked this several times and giving the same answer of "It's not for you...it's for me. It's what I need for myself." and still being asked the question...I finally responded with "Because it's not fair for you to have a big dick and me have small boobs."
He hasn't asked that question again since.
I am wondering if this is starting to become an unhealthy obsession. I mean...how much can one think about their future awesome boobs before it becomes weird? I should probably keep this part of it to myself, but I'm just so incredibly curious if I am the only one who constantly thinks about the surgery like this. Perhaps it's because I had to schedule it so far out? With work, the holidays, and my mom not being able to come until after January, February was the closest time I could have it done. I will acknowledge that since scheduling the actual date...my anxiety about when I'll get it done has decreased tremendously. There is a date to look forward to. I have a countdown. Now I just have to keep counting.