Soul Searching and Weighing my Options (And Resources!) -Sacramento, CA

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I rambled on in my profile about all the thoughts,...

I rambled on in my profile about all the thoughts, fears, frustrations etc that I am feeling in trying to make a decision to do something or keep avoiding it.

The more I read the more fearful I got. All the "what if's", the cost, the magnitude of procedure, recovery, results.

I guess I have a bit of shame about having done it in the first place in a way. Not something I want everyone to know. I want them to be real! But I was ashamed to have super small breasts before. I'm ashamed to have these big bulbous hard things sticking out of my clothes at 56. People seem to think they look nice over all, but it' just feels unnatural.

My boyfriend of over 7 years has never even had a conversation with me about them one way or other. As far as I know he doesn't acknowledge they exist. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor of 23 years ago and I told him I was going to Sacramento for a doctors and he didn't even ask what for! (he's not a bad guy, just a little too laid back and disconnected). So I don't feel comfortable asking for his support really.

So I was feeling pretty confused. Still am. But I had my consultation with my doctor yesterday. He made me feel a bit more at ease over all.
His opinion is that things are much different from when I had them put in. The chance of capsular contracture is minimal now. So if I wanted to remove them and scar tissue and capsule and all, replace them with (if i did, I'd prefer smaller) new ones, the result would be good - most likely.
If I want to just remove them I would be quite flat chested, but my skin elasticity is still good and maybe a little more natural breast than at 29. Maybe? I forgot to ask about scarring and all. I hated having my nipples cut into before and had to have one reopened to "unfold" implant that wasn't dropping on it's own. It never has been quite right all these years since and then it just got hard. Geeze! give a girl a break!

He also assured me that I would be able to resume work in a reasonable time. Maybe 2 or even less weeks for my most physical job, and the other I could return sooner if I was careful.

He is going to send me pricing for options. Said he would give me a discount for being a former patient. I am sure I will still have a hard time justifying spending money on any of the options! It seems crazy to pay to do this to my body and then pay to undo it and cause all this damage to myself. I look at people who get unattractive or massive tattooing, pierce body parts with gauges that disfigure themselves and I don't get it. This feels similar.

He also assured me there is no real danger of illness from them being in if I want to just live with them as is.

So a lot to think about.

Thinking seriously about it now.....

Thanks so much to all of you ladies for sharing and for this site! This site is such a godsend! You all look fantastic when you go back to yourselves. With each woman I watch go through this I am so amazed at what I learn. Especially that real boobs are so much more attractive! And that so many women share my experiences. This support is great. I thought I'd just go back into denial and not really consider it, but I'm getting more excited about the prospect each day! I never thought I'd spend so much time looking at boobs on the internet and at first it felt a little weird. But it is actually so fantastic to share this way. Thank you all so much!
I'm involved with a woman's organization called "See Jane Do" and I've so wished there was something or someone like this out there to mentor and support all of us through this. I would like to share it with them to share with the world! But I'm chicken to admit it about myself! But I want women to feel great about who they are naturally. Maybe the woman who does "Misrepresentation" would want to take it on!? Until I found this site I felt very alone and ashamed. It seemed me and all the women I know with implants live in denial and complacency and ignorance, and some of us in fear. Don't have to any more! Thank you all again.

It helps to see my own picture...

those thing got to go! especially that right one, hard over sized unbalanced, unnatural. Representing some false sense of how a woman "should" look. And not even doing a very good job of that!

price quote

I got a quote from my doctor to have implants removed and scar tissue (capsules) removed. $3400. Does that sound about right? I've seen everything on this site from one woman had removal for $650 and it seems others are around $6500. I would like of like to have it done this winter so it's easier to hide in sweaters etc. Also my doctor would remove through the aerola. It seems like the ladies who get it done under the breast have easier healing and less ugly scars? Any suggestions?

Still contemplating: if, when, how & why not?

I want to do it, get em out. I want to have good results like so many of you ladies have had. But I suspect I will end up with little tiny funny looking breasts, the comparable opposite of what I have now...big (for my body) funny looking breasts. But I am convinced I have to do it. For one thing they are all wrong: CC on the one side, they are two completely different sizes, they look phoney and silly, but most of all the one with the serious CC is so hard, and I think it might be the cause of my chronic shoulder pain. I am having a harder and harder time sleeping at night, it just aches. I thought it was from falling on my shoulder so many times when I started snowboarding 15 years ago, but I am thinking it is from this now. All my other snowboarding injuries don't feel like this.

But maybe they will turn out just fine. Smallish, but bigger than they were 23 years ago with hormone changes, a little more weight etc, nice soft shape, just right! That's what I am hoping for.

I want soft breasts that feel natural. And I want to look good in my clothes. That was why I did it in the first place, but I don't think I look good, just fake.

So that's kind of the if and why-not.

The how and when is actually harder. I just need it to be easy. I can't take a lot of time off work, like maybe 2 days is all. And my work can be pretty physical. I can get 2 weeks off of the most physical job which is a super intensive grill cook and waitress, which takes massive upper body workout. The other I need to get back to quickly. There is some lifting as am a product/department manager at a store (among many other things). I am so involved in the community that it's hard to hide out for a while and do this incognito. I feel I need to disconnect from parts of my life for awhile to do this. In many ways I would like to be able to do that. I'm just so involved in so many things, I am one of those "care taker" types. A mover and shaker. One of those "when you need something done, ask a busy person" types. It will be hard if I have to make multiple trips to doctors office for pre and post op too. It's an hour drive away.

When I had them put in 23 years ago I worked as hard as I do now and went back to work very quick too. I am one of those people who wants to get things done quick and easy. I never stay in bed when I'm sick. I perpetually have on my list of things to do but never get around to: get massage, exercise, relax, take a vacation, take care of self

But I think if I don't put it off for another year or two or more, I would like to get it done this winter. Easier to not feel so obvious. Things can slow down in winter. I won't want to miss much snowboarding though. Already got my season pass!

Why did I do this in the first place!? Well, I know why, and in some ways am glad I did. It let me see life from a very confident, sexy woman's viewpoint. I don't think I would ever have known that otherwise. Sadly. But It has made it easier to see that I am ready to see life from a totally natural, confident, healthy real me viewpoint. Just how and when can I get there? I want it to be easy!!!

I am not a woman of wealthy means. I always manage to have a little savings. I could muster the money. But it will take pretty much all I have in savings right now. And I have two grown kids who are struggling a little to get on their feet in life and a grand son that I help out a little now and then too. I support myself even though I live with my boyfriend of 7 years. We have never had "the talk", he has never acknowledged they exist. I haven't told him that I'd like to get them out. I told him the two times I went to have a consultation that I was going to see the doctor. He never even asked why. He's a good guy, just not very in tune with things that are intimate or emotional. And it's hard to justify the money and time and all. I will call them today to see if they take payments or maybe Care Credit.

It helps to write these things.

Amazing photos of our natural beautiful bodies
Someone posted this photo on facebook. It's an amazing photo gallery someone created. Puts things in perspective a little!

breaking the ice with the boyfriend

So this is weird, but we still haven't talked about it. And we've lived together for over 6 years! So this morning I simply sent him an email that said "I need to have a minor surgery. I hope we can talk about it soon, love you". Not that is stepping out of denial a bit! Putting it in the realm of reality.

Photos are so helpful!

I am trying to get the courage to schedule explant. One thing that really helps is knowing that it has to be done at some point. Looking at photos is another. It helps to see the good results of others. It helps to see the not so good results and know that even that is not the end of the world. And what really helps is looking at photos of women who have implants and do revisionary surgery, replacement etc. Almost in all cases there is no improvement in my opinion. Maybe a deflated implant is replaced and more symmetry is created, but they still look fake, often even more so. It's like makeup, sometimes we don't see that more is not better! But others do. I find the look of women that go back to natural breasts is more of what I want to achieve.

Going for another consultation Feb 17th

I have scheduled a consultation with a different doctor for another perspective. I went to both this Dr and my original Dr about 6 years ago for consult, considering what to do back then. But chickened out. I know my original Dr will be more affordable, but this one is closer, has had great reviews from women who have had augmentation, not so much explantation though. He wasn't very encouraging last time. Encouraged me to get replacements, but the chances were high that contracture would happen again. So that wasn't encouraging. I'm less concerned about how I will feel to have much smaller breasts, but I saw one story of a woman who had a pretty bad result on one breast and worry about something like that. I just don't want to worry about all the "what if's". I am almost thrilled about the thought of getting them out and just being normal and free and comfortable in my own skin. And again when I look at my photo I wonder how I live with these!

I'll let you know how the consult goes.

Moving forward!!!

So to update, I had a consultation with Dr Freed yesterday. Like him a lot and feel good about moving forward. I have to get these things out! The right one is as painful as it looks in my photo, and getting more so. Plus they look stupid.

The quote is for $4050 and I can live with that. I can finance some of it through Care Credit for up to a year no interest, so that will help.

I finally got my live-with boyfriend of 8 years involved. He has never commented or acknowledged them in any way shape or form. And after much struggle (he has great difficulty with communicating and expressing sensitivity) I have been able to, little by little share with him what is going on and he even drove me to the appointment. He was very sweet about it and said he is here for me. But I asked him not to come in with me though because I felt it would make me uncomfortable to have a doctor touching and talking about my breasts in front of him and might keep me from asking questions I needed to ask. I might have him be the one to drive me to and from surgery though. Not sure??? Maybe a girlfriend would be better???

Dr Freed said he could do it under the breast fold (as small as I will be again, I'm sure, there won't be much of a fold though haha!) which I think I prefer because I had them put in thorough periareolar incision and one had to be revised. The scars took forever to heal and from what I've seen on this site it seems having them out through areola is pretty traumatic for the poor little things! Any advise on that??

I'm hoping to get it done asap! But it's hard to figure out when I have time to be down for a couple weeks. And of course very nervous about results. But at this point looking forward to being free!!!!!

photos left, right

silly looking things. The right you can see a lump at side of implant that is becoming quite painful. The thing about photos is it helps to see the reality of what I won't be missing! Hope it helps someone else. Your photos have really helped me!

Booked the date for removal

March 12th, but now I'm thinking of asking for sooner, I am having extreme pain in my right breast and big hard lumps. I have to sleep with ice packs and rarely have relief from the pain. Strange that it starts now! Also it seems the right one is getting bigger and harder. Can't wait to get them out! I hope the poor little things (my real boobs) aren't so permanently stretched out! I imagine this pressure is hard on em! Ugh!

I feel we should warn young women wanting to have implants! But I wasn't going to listen to reason back then. The main thing is that I should have really planned for the fact that I would some day have to reckon with having implants and either keep having surgeries or take them out. I was in denial. And my doctor at the time said "they will last forever!" I never wanted my boobs to consume so much of my time, money and attention. But I always felt inadequate with out them. I hope that image changes for women more and more.

My boyfriend is being very supportive now, should I have him take me for surgery or a friend? Any suggestions, I just wonder if it will be all too weird for him and if a girlfriend might be more supportive?

getting ready for surgery...

And the changes to come. I am mostly looking forward to it. And a bit afraid of some things like being self conscious. Let's face it, for the last 23 years people have "noticed" my breasts. I just don't want them to be noticing my lack of them! I had my 2 week pre surgery consultation on monday. I ordered a zip front sports bra in small for $25 online. Picked up some bromelain and quercitin and arnica the doctor recommended for inflammation and bruising. I even bought a bikini in small, both top and bottom! And am imagining my boobs not oozing out! (I'm keeping the receipt of course ;) I am anxious to go through my closets and get rid of things I won't be wearing anymore and enjoying the things that I haven't been able to wear. I look as some photos of me and how stupid my boobs look in cute summer dresses! Although men seem to love it (except my boyfriend?) I'm anxious to feel and look lighter and free and feminine in a real way. I just hope there is something there when the implants are gone! And I hope they are perfect even if small.

Thanks again for all of your stories and pictures to help me on my way!

How to live with the lies???

So I hardly have acknowledged that I have implants over the years. Although they are the "elephants in the living room" so to speak. And now I'm telling people, at work for example, that I have to have surgery for some lumps in my breast, scar tissue that needs to be removed. That I had an infection years ago that caused it (partially true) etc....
Geeze, implants are a lie and look at all the lies that follow. How to reconcile with this? I just want to get to a place where it doesn't matter and I'm am good with who I am and don't feel I have to prove or explain myself!

any suggestions????

So next wednesday is the date I go get em out! Is there anything anyone has to offer as "must have or must do" ? I am making a collection of all the things I think I need and want to prepare. Like arnica, sports bra, comfy clothes, pain med, anti inflammatory supplements (bromelain and quercitin), scar gel, laxative. Then books to read, movies to watch, fresh bedding, pillows, food and liquids. 2 1/2 weeks after I'm traveling from California to Georgia, so hoping all goes well and speedy recovery! Got lots of padded camisole bralettes at the ready too! Can't wait to be able to wear some of the little summer dresses and tops that I felt silly in before because my big bulbous boobs would protrude conspicuously from them. Hope I don't have the total opposite problem! Thanks again ladies for being here and sharing your stories and pictures that led me to this necessary decision.

3 days to go!

Yikes. I have not been nervous, but I notice all night I kept waking up thinking it was tomorrow! I think I'm getting a little anxious. There's no turning back now. Please let there be something (sweet and cute) there after they come out, manifesting a fantastic easy, fast recovery and to get this all behind me. Thanks again to all of you ladies. Keep the support going!

one more day!

My implants come out tomorrow morning! Looking forward I feel, not really nervous, I don't think, should I be? Maybe a little numb. Don't want to be over optimistic but looking forward to them being perfect, if small, feeling better in clothes again etc.
I think I have everything in order. Sort of looking forward to a few days rest and maybe catch up on something, reading paper piles???? We will see! I'll post more after......

Implants out!

Well, I got them out yesterday at 9am. It took a little longer than anticipated, I think around noon he was done, because both were ruptured and I guess it was a mess in there! Dr said he couldn't get all the silicone out without taking significant (what little I have) natural breast tissue. Not sure if I should be worried about that? I have followup appointment on monday so will ask questions then. Thankfully I had general anesthesia.

I had them taken out under breast fold rather than aerola again because that was a bit traumatic last time, took forever to heal, bad scar etc.

It will be pretty obvious this radical change. but I just hope everything is ok and I wind up with nice healthy, proportioned breasts even if small. I don't think I would have appreciated that if I hadn't experienced implants maybe. I like the way my body looks more proper proportion for my small size.

My belly is swollen and black and blue especially on the side that was the worst. I can blame some of the belly on swelling, but it will be time to get into shape once I'm healed! It almost looks like I have a little bit of breasts under the ace bandage, but I think it's mostly gauze haha!

Yesterday was pretty uncomfortable, actually miserable, painful all day and night. The pain pills helped a lot to sleep though. Vicodin makes me throw up so they gave me Nucynta, seems to work pretty good with less nausea.

My boyfriend was a great help. I still have ace wrap and can take it off after noon and have a shower. I'll wait till he gets home just to be safe in case I need help.

I do wish it didn't bring a measure of shame to have done and to talk about honestly, but I really don't feel comfortable letting everyone know what the real story is, so I fudge with a lot of people. It's weird!

I'll share photos when I unwrap


I just took off my bandages and get to take a shower when my beau gets home. I was worried how they would look, They are tiny but I have to say I am quite pleased! Naked they look a little bigger because they squish down with tight bra. I can work around that :) I saved all my pads that I didn't need before from bras so I can pack them in! I know this sounds cliche' but I feel so much lighter and free!
I can't thank you ladies and this website enough for giving me the courage! I should have done it a long time ago, and I wish women who are getting implants would really think about having to go through this. And just love their bodies!

Need to find bras!

Now I'm going to have to find some bras that make me look bigger because it's such a radical change! That was one thing I loved when I first got my implants, I didn't need to wear a bra! But over the years I had to find things to cover them up because they looked so ridiculous!

In hindsight....

This is not to scare, this is to face reality...I really hope that young women stop and look at those of us who have been through this. We are not a rare few, we are all in the same boat to different degrees. At some point we all have to face removal, replacement, capsular contracture, rupture, and other issues of having plastic bags filled with either water or silicone to make us feel better about our bodies.
Here are a couple sites for example, that I wish I had looked at before. I am so excited about dressing up my little boobs! I have for a long time envied women with sweet little breasts, like I used to have. Mine are going to be there again, but scarred, a bit battered and still carrying stray silicone that could not be removed. I'll take that over implants now in hindsight!
Now I wish I had found sweet beautiful little bras, push ups, gel inserts whatever and left my body as perfect as it was. That's what I'm going to do now.
Also the fact that most men are not particularly more excited (unless they are just big boobs anyway) about big fake boobs. I had more men that I was intimate with over the years comment "are those fake" rather than "wow, those are beautiful!" And once CC set in the "hot" didn't last as long as the repercussions did. I am thinking women are doing this to each other, creating an illusion that big boobs are the only way to be. We have the power to love our bodies and allow other women to also.
Also I know sometimes doctors talk us into bigger than we really want. Or some women think big enough is never big enough. What is the "right" size? It's the size you are naturally! And when it's time to get them out doctors will encourage you to "replace" rather than just remove. Many of our bodies have a protective mechanism that creates scar tissue around foreign objects, it's called capsular contracture. Chances are if it's happened once it will happen again. Is it worth that chance to intentionally put foreign matter into our bodies unnecessarily?
Look here for inspiration:

I so wish I had really spent the time looking at the big picture then, rather than paying this price to get back to square one and a more compromised self at that. I could have taken the money I spent to have them put in and taken out and gone on a couple cruises! I wouldn't have missed out on any great men in my life (as long as I emanated confidence and self love and pride). I wouldn't have spent years feeling fake, at first you feel hot, then down the road you start to feel like a cow! I wouldn't have spent energy hiding the truth. I know younger women don't carry so much shame, they are proud to tell everyone! There is more of a "live for today" attitude. My daughter got implants when she was 18. Think about that, it broke my heart. I felt so bad for setting a bad example. She was perfect. Would you want your daughter to do that to herself?

I'm not trying to be a doomsdayer, or just negative. I am hopefully sending a positive message. Spread the word...Love yourself. Love your body!

my recovery...

I had surgery wed March 12th. Came home and just rested all day. Started to feel nausea and took pill from doctor for that. Slept and rested. Next day, Thursday, felt pretty funky all day, took a pain pill during the day, slept, read, sat in the sun for awhile, took a shower, ate a little and then felt generally yucky, nausea, achy, itchy, sick of laying on my back, headache. Took a pain pill, laid on heat pad and put ice pack on my chest and slept restlessly through the night. Weird dreams! Day 3, Friday...about the same, a little better. Day 4, Saturday, increasingly better. Went for a little walk with boyfriend to mail box, sat in sun, did a little more around the house, went out to dinner. Slept well with no pain pill all day or night! Sunday...moving slow but healing well I think. Will go to doctor tomorrow. I don't like that I have a hard lump under my right armpit still and am bruised all down that side. I am hoping that the swelling around my sides and back go away (hoping my boobs don't though! Fluff fluff please :) My belly is a bit unhappy. Been eating lightly and taking the sennalax but with little results yet :( That's weird for me! I'm as regular as the sunrise and basically wham, bam thank you mam is my style, rather than sit and meditate and wait for the gods to be pleased so I don't have much patience for this! Sorry, maybe TMI! Here is photo of bruises.

follow up...

I did an update yesterday, but I guess I didn't save it? Let me see if I can reconstruct:
I had a followup with doctor yesterday. He explained that my implants were basically blown apart (I'm a snowboarder and have crashed every which way over the years, plus I vigorously tried to work out the CC with massage, on a foam roller etc. over the years and probably helped the rupturing along). So he had a difficult time really cleaning it all out. Plus he said they looked really weird color wise and sent them along with my tissue to pathology. The reports came back fine, no evidence of disease. This big lump under my right armpit is my pectoral muscle saturated with silicone. My doctor said if he removed that it would have been essentially a radical mastectomy! Also my ribs are coated with silicone but to scrape that off he risked puncturing my lungs so opted not to. Phew! But crap! I still have all that in me :( He said to worry about healing for now, possibly it will soften in time and with other therapy, like massage. He said there is no scientific evidence for link between silicone and illness, I see all the doctors say that. Maybe it's true? But then a lot of ladies testimonies are to the contrary. I guess I can only hope it doesn't cause me more problems. He was a little vague and seemed to want to kind of "keep an eye" on things for a while. I hope I am just done! And can move forward!

I couldn't stand it so went bra shopping. Probably not a good idea for two reasons, it's a little hard on the body so soon and 2nd things are just weird! All the volume is in all the wrong places, like side, back oh boy! But I haven't really worn a regular bra in 20 something years, and man have they changed! Actually comfortable and lots of pretty options. Soft fabrics, even ones to cover "back fat". And the padded cups look and feel so much more natural even if you ain't got much to work with! The straps don't fall off my shoulders like they used to. So I can't wait to get back to shape so I can go through my wardrobe and start dressing these girls up a little :) I would love it if I had naturally firm, nicely shaped, slightly larger boobs, but it feels so good to have all this "off my chest"!!! I am still a bit sore, but I know I will feel so much more light, free and comfortable!!! I've introduced this site and my blog to my daughter and am starting to counsel her to get ready to do this one day down the road. Money is a huge issue. This could have paid for her college loans! I'm so sorry I wasted this money now. Living and learning!

I'll add some photos as things change. Waiting for the fluff fairy!

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but I so wish our blogs were required reading before anyone got implants! Thanks again so much to this site and all you ladies xo

day 14 healing & bras

my breasts look like they have been through hell....because they have basically, but they are mine, and I'm much happier about that. They don't look any worse than they did with implants and capsular contracture and all, so I am very happy with my removal. I feel I actually look better in clothes again. I sure feel better. Still healing though.

12 weeks post op

Well, it's been 12 weeks and I think what I've got is what is pretty much my final results, except I think the scars will get less and less noticeable.
A couple weeks after surgery the swelling was completely gone, and so was most of my boobs! My left one I am just fine with. It's tiny but I love it anyway. My right one is even smaller because of the tissue the doctor took out with the silicone, plus my nipple was scared from having implants put in so it's a little worse for wear than the other with almost concave upper breast, plus a knot where I still have silicone attached to my peck muscle.

With all that said, I am so glad to have them out! I feel free, healthy, feminine - like 10 lbs lighter! I love my breasts and wish I'd taken better care of them to begin with, by never putting implants in the first place. It is a bad thing to do to ourselves, period! It is much easier and better to enhance with nice padded bras or to be proud of who we are to begin with. I feel I look so much better in clothes even with out padded bras, because I look like me, not some blow up doll. And with a nice padded or push up bra I look properly proportioned. I so encourage women to stop doing this to ourselves. Best wishes

Please spread the word....breast augmentation is not worth it!

Here is a great TED talk that touches on the subject.

Something is wrong with our society, now with our bodies!

Chris Jordan: Depicts 32,000 Barbies, equal to the number of elective breast augmentation surgeries performed monthly in the US in 2006. 60×80”

oops...I mean NOT with our bodies. Our bodies are perfect in their natural state.

sorry, I couldn't edit my misspelling :)

Many years ago I thought he was cold and made me feel uncomfortable. I knew several people who had been to him with good results though. And back then I saw him on a phone call with a cancer patient and he was so compassionate that I gave him the benefit of doubt. This time I felt he was very kind, considerate, compassionate, professional, and very qualified. So if I go through with any of my options I would feel very comfortable with him as my doctor. I can't seem to edit who my doctor was, but I wound up going to Dr Freed in Auburn CA. I felt a little better about him as he seemed more compassionate, more thorough and cautious, it's closer to home and I'd gotten good reviews from other local women. Not to criticize Dr Smith. I think he is a fine surgeon as well. This just made more sense in the long run for me.

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