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Well...8 weeks have gone by since I had my surgery...
Well...8 weeks have gone by since I had my surgery. Life is almost entirely back to normal. I say almost because I am still unable to bend my back significantly and that has kept me out of yoga and from doing the deep stretches that my body wants. It is a work in progress.
I hadn't planned on taking photos this morning, but I wanted to show you what it looks like after a week of bad eating and no exercise while on vacation. Still working my way up to my old distances. So far I have only pushed to 8.5 miles but I think I am ready for more now. Making lots of plans for the summer....so excited to use this new body!
Happy recovery and waiting for surgery girls!
I hadn't planned on taking photos this morning, but I wanted to show you what it looks like after a week of bad eating and no exercise while on vacation. Still working my way up to my old distances. So far I have only pushed to 8.5 miles but I think I am ready for more now. Making lots of plans for the summer....so excited to use this new body!
Happy recovery and waiting for surgery girls!
The day before surgery, I took what would be my...
The day before surgery, I took what would be my last run for a while. I am not an exercise junkie. But as a race director, secretary for a running club, and writer-correspondent for a running magazine - I live my sport. The thought of taking my strong and healthy body, a body I have trained to do things that many could never dare dream of, and destroy it on purpose is a threat to my image and the very fabric of who I am.
On that run, a song by Twin Atlantic came on, called "Free". It has nothing to do with anything else, but this one line of the refrain, "I set my body on fire so I could be free!" I wept as I ran my favorite route by the lake, knowing that's what I was doing - lighting the match to burn down my own house. It was the only way I'd ever be free.
As I ran on my 5 week PO date last week for the first time, I listened to that song again and knew it was true. I was free. Finally. Finally.
The night before surgery, I sat down and wrote something like I never have before. A letter to my belly - here is the last couple paragraphs:
"When I had had enough and was ready to starve you away...exercise you away, just make you go away, I never anticipated what you would leave behind. A trail of ruin, a constant reminder that I was not okay, that I would never be totally okay, that I would forever in certain ways be 'disordered'. Over those few years I lost your volume and padding and all the rest of me - more than 100 pounds. More than a small woman. Yet what I was left with, was the shame of you - a misshapen body, that I would still have to hide. Never could I look nice in a swimming suit. Never could I wear a snug shirt. Or jersey. Or silk. Or sit down. Or dance. Or I could...but they'd find me out for still being a fat girl. You hung off me then, like you didn't belong to me. I returned from winter runs to find you white and dead while the rest of me was pink with cold, the blood supply retreating from your extraneous redundant flesh. I have tucked you in and compressed you and camouflaged. I have cried over you, turned my head from the mirror in shame, lept away from touch like I had been burned. I have looked down at you as you spread like wet dough while I made love on my back, and the pain made me take my mind away from that place - away from touch and affection and hungry eyes. I have stood in the mirror and coached myself - telling myself I was beautiful, that I was good enough, that I didn't need to be pretty to deserve love...that I should be proud and wear you like a badge of honor. But it never took. And so I spent much more time in the mirror pinching you, pulling you this way and that, manipulating you to see how you would appear if you would just disappear. Until I finally got up the courage to find out.
And I went to the doctor and told him - cut it off. Get rid of it. You aren't a part of me. I have been carrying you around, cadaverous sack of skin, but you belong to a girl who lived a long time ago, a girl who took pleasure in slowly killing herself. And so I ran the risk of being judged and ridiculed, to be called vain, to be accused of wasting our money. And I said to those - go to hell. What you think isn't important, this is only for me. Me, standing in the mirror, saying to you, "I know I am good enough. I know I don't need to be beautiful to deserve love. But you belong to someone I killed 12 years ago. She has been haunting me ever since. And tomorrow - her ghost will be exorcised."
I am healed well and back to normal for the most part. I have posted lots of before and after pictures, and will continue to update with more photos as my body changes. I can barely recall my life before. Tummy tuck doesn't make you instantly slim and perfect, but it can give you self esteem and self acceptance that many of us have found impossible to find another way. And now I have the rest of my life ahead of me - to love this body I have been given.
Godspeed TT sisters.
On that run, a song by Twin Atlantic came on, called "Free". It has nothing to do with anything else, but this one line of the refrain, "I set my body on fire so I could be free!" I wept as I ran my favorite route by the lake, knowing that's what I was doing - lighting the match to burn down my own house. It was the only way I'd ever be free.
As I ran on my 5 week PO date last week for the first time, I listened to that song again and knew it was true. I was free. Finally. Finally.
The night before surgery, I sat down and wrote something like I never have before. A letter to my belly - here is the last couple paragraphs:
"When I had had enough and was ready to starve you away...exercise you away, just make you go away, I never anticipated what you would leave behind. A trail of ruin, a constant reminder that I was not okay, that I would never be totally okay, that I would forever in certain ways be 'disordered'. Over those few years I lost your volume and padding and all the rest of me - more than 100 pounds. More than a small woman. Yet what I was left with, was the shame of you - a misshapen body, that I would still have to hide. Never could I look nice in a swimming suit. Never could I wear a snug shirt. Or jersey. Or silk. Or sit down. Or dance. Or I could...but they'd find me out for still being a fat girl. You hung off me then, like you didn't belong to me. I returned from winter runs to find you white and dead while the rest of me was pink with cold, the blood supply retreating from your extraneous redundant flesh. I have tucked you in and compressed you and camouflaged. I have cried over you, turned my head from the mirror in shame, lept away from touch like I had been burned. I have looked down at you as you spread like wet dough while I made love on my back, and the pain made me take my mind away from that place - away from touch and affection and hungry eyes. I have stood in the mirror and coached myself - telling myself I was beautiful, that I was good enough, that I didn't need to be pretty to deserve love...that I should be proud and wear you like a badge of honor. But it never took. And so I spent much more time in the mirror pinching you, pulling you this way and that, manipulating you to see how you would appear if you would just disappear. Until I finally got up the courage to find out.
And I went to the doctor and told him - cut it off. Get rid of it. You aren't a part of me. I have been carrying you around, cadaverous sack of skin, but you belong to a girl who lived a long time ago, a girl who took pleasure in slowly killing herself. And so I ran the risk of being judged and ridiculed, to be called vain, to be accused of wasting our money. And I said to those - go to hell. What you think isn't important, this is only for me. Me, standing in the mirror, saying to you, "I know I am good enough. I know I don't need to be beautiful to deserve love. But you belong to someone I killed 12 years ago. She has been haunting me ever since. And tomorrow - her ghost will be exorcised."
I am healed well and back to normal for the most part. I have posted lots of before and after pictures, and will continue to update with more photos as my body changes. I can barely recall my life before. Tummy tuck doesn't make you instantly slim and perfect, but it can give you self esteem and self acceptance that many of us have found impossible to find another way. And now I have the rest of my life ahead of me - to love this body I have been given.
Godspeed TT sisters.
Happy Birthday to me! I can safely say that the...
Happy Birthday to me! I can safely say that the best birthday present I have ever received is this brand new belly. It is already effecting my self esteem in so many ways - I am much friskier with my husband because I am proud and happy to let him see me. After 12 years I was still covering up, trying to hide myself and ashamed...but not anymore! I can get dressed without the tears and frustration. Now I stop in the mirror to pull up my shirt and marvel at my new body, not grab a handful of flesh and curse it. And today, I will get to feel what it is like to run without my stomach flopping to and fro!
I am an ultra marathon runner, and always run my age on my birthday. Last year that meant a 32 mile run on a sweet little trail in Florida while the family was on vacation. There were armadillos crossing my path, and alligators splashing in the swamp. It was a lot for me to make this decision for TT when I knew I would have to give this day up. But, it was worth it. So today, I will run 33....only I will use a decimal. Hoping to make it 3.3 miles on the treadmill.
So, here are the belly updates:
-I finally Finally FINALLY beat the seroma that I developed at PO day 8. After a few serial aspirations, I decided to wear compression and leave it alone. For about 10 days I saw no change and was getting frustrated, but then ever so slightly it started to go down. I stopped wearing compression because I thought it wasn't helping, and within 3 days it cleared completely. Hooray!
- My shape is constantly changing, but now without the seroma, the girl parts are looking normal, and not all puffed up or flopping into my lap when I sit.
- My belly button is awesome
- I think I have some new stretch marks, but you know what - if I didn't have poor skin elasticity, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, so I expected it.
- I am doing light weights and calisthenics, have walked up to 6 miles, done some stairs, picked up my kids etc. I am standing straight and can arch slightly. Still no bridges or upward dogs. May be a few weeks for those...
- My scar is healing beautifully. I use both Scarzone and Jojoba oil, depending on my mood that day. Most of my scar is flat with my skin now, except for a few little puckers at either corner, they made need revision down the road. I love the shape of my scar as well, when it is faded, it will fall right in line with my muscular curve and be almost invisible. I highly recommend it if you can find a doctor who uses this type.
- Swelling - I have a bit of swelling as the day progresses, or after a workout, but it's not too bad. The first week I worked out was horrible, but I suspect that it would be that way no matter when I started exercising. I have just accepted that this is part of the process, and I am not going to sit around with my feet up just so I don't swell.
- Physically I still have days when I am tired and need to take it easy.
Finally, the last update I want to share is regarding that swollen lymphnode on my neck. I went to the GP yesterday and he wants it biopsied. Odds are really really good that it is related to the surgery and absolutely nothing. We shall see.
Happy healing post op gals!
I am an ultra marathon runner, and always run my age on my birthday. Last year that meant a 32 mile run on a sweet little trail in Florida while the family was on vacation. There were armadillos crossing my path, and alligators splashing in the swamp. It was a lot for me to make this decision for TT when I knew I would have to give this day up. But, it was worth it. So today, I will run 33....only I will use a decimal. Hoping to make it 3.3 miles on the treadmill.
So, here are the belly updates:
-I finally Finally FINALLY beat the seroma that I developed at PO day 8. After a few serial aspirations, I decided to wear compression and leave it alone. For about 10 days I saw no change and was getting frustrated, but then ever so slightly it started to go down. I stopped wearing compression because I thought it wasn't helping, and within 3 days it cleared completely. Hooray!
- My shape is constantly changing, but now without the seroma, the girl parts are looking normal, and not all puffed up or flopping into my lap when I sit.
- My belly button is awesome
- I think I have some new stretch marks, but you know what - if I didn't have poor skin elasticity, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, so I expected it.
- I am doing light weights and calisthenics, have walked up to 6 miles, done some stairs, picked up my kids etc. I am standing straight and can arch slightly. Still no bridges or upward dogs. May be a few weeks for those...
- My scar is healing beautifully. I use both Scarzone and Jojoba oil, depending on my mood that day. Most of my scar is flat with my skin now, except for a few little puckers at either corner, they made need revision down the road. I love the shape of my scar as well, when it is faded, it will fall right in line with my muscular curve and be almost invisible. I highly recommend it if you can find a doctor who uses this type.
- Swelling - I have a bit of swelling as the day progresses, or after a workout, but it's not too bad. The first week I worked out was horrible, but I suspect that it would be that way no matter when I started exercising. I have just accepted that this is part of the process, and I am not going to sit around with my feet up just so I don't swell.
- Physically I still have days when I am tired and need to take it easy.
Finally, the last update I want to share is regarding that swollen lymphnode on my neck. I went to the GP yesterday and he wants it biopsied. Odds are really really good that it is related to the surgery and absolutely nothing. We shall see.
Happy healing post op gals!
Provider Review
Dr. Langstein is a world renowned micro vascular surgeon who specializes in breast reconstruction after mastectomy. He has appeared as a specialist on the PBS series "Second Opinion" and is a true artist. I am very excited to be working with him!