Integrated Approach - Reno, NV

From as far back as I can remember my school years; my thought and behavior patterns did not fit those of the boys around me even though in genital terms, which were all that folks at the time considered, I was a boy. The girls and boys in my class soon picked up that something odd was going on with how I thought and behaved. As their vocabulary improved over the years, the most precise word that they used to describe me was “sissy.” The girls were mean by teasing me; the boys tended to beat me up physically.

Every day, going to school involved getting mentally ready for half a day's worth of combat. I hated the violence and being ostracized, and I hated the name too, but years later, I found out that it had been accurately chosen. As an adult, I can't begin to relate to the cultural things that men tend to like -- whereas the culturally typical female pastimes are enjoyable to me. In contrast with the men whom I know, I am vastly more sensitive and thoughtful with far more empathy. I finally concluded that the common theme in my thought patterns could be summarized nicely by classifying them as, generally, feminized.

I saw a gender counselor and she considered all this to be sound reasoning, and she encouraged me to explore looking (physically and aesthetically) as I felt mentally. The effect was like "coming home" emotionally. I liked looking feminized and it came naturally to me. Until then, my health had gradually been declining; I was putting on weight, my blood pressure was increasing, and I didn't really care. The idea of aging as a male seemed unpleasant and distasteful and the details didn’t really matter to me. The possibility of becoming physically feminized energized me.

I started working out and watching what I eat. I lost weight gradually, in all the right places. Recently I went to a health fair and my body fat & and blood pressure are now perfect. I have started privately modeling lingerie part-time and I make between $100 and $200 an hour by looking good enough to always get paid, even though the client always has the option of not paying afterwards, if it was not worth it. Life is exciting, challenging and I love it.

The key aspect for me is integration. I could, two years ago, have gone to Thailand and come back with a vagina instead of a penis and I would probably have felt no more feminized than before. Being feminized is a highly integrated process that involves surgical procedures and non-surgical procedures for the face, body and / or genitals -- and a lot of mental work in order to speak and move in a feminized way. I'm clear on the legal and stereotypical definitions as to what makes someone a male vs. not, and they have their reasons for being there. However, my approach to the issue of gender is primarily focused on my mind is wired, regardless of whether my genitals happen to be an "innie" or an "outie." If it comes to that, maybe I’ll have that operation too, but it’ll certainly not be the only aspect on which to focus. Recognizing my mental wiring as the essential aspect was for me a catalyst and an inspiration to wanting to look, speak and move in a way that's consistent with how I think. If the mind is the essence of a person, then essentially, I’m female regardless of what my driver’s license says.

My personal journey is multifaceted, as I suspect to be the case with most transgender / transsexual folks. In the hope that it will be of value, I plan to make updates on this site from time to time as I progress on this delightful journey. My first surgery will be to make the front of my neck smooth. I chose Dr. Ousterhout in San Francisco after meeting with him and his team in person. They made an exceptional impression.

My life experience has given me ample evidence that my approach to gender makes some people uncomfortable. If you disagree with me, I don’t really need to hear about it; I’m not here to debate the social aspects of transgender or transsexual life or to accept commentary on that subject. I do consider my approach to be well pondered and logical but that doesn’t make it open to general public dissection. I appreciate RealSelf’s initiative in making this forum available to people like me. I hope my particular story will provide others with guidance, comfort, strength and inspiration.

Today, I made an improvement on looking better from the neck up.

This is a good time to be explicit as to a key point in my personal agenda. I'm clear that for many transgender / transsexual folks, the journey towards physical feminization is part of a generally unhappy life experience and it's all fairly morbid, and if they come out the other end of the process looking feminized, they will be at peace with themselves for the first time and not much else matters. I respect that and wish that sort of closure and peace for everyone who seeks it.

I, however, am too cheerful for that approach, so I'm almost giddy with delight during this whole process. I'm not planning to enter any beauty pageants, but even so, I am aiming at not just looking more and more feminized but also at looking feminized and . . . what's the word ... hot.

Some of the things I do accomplish little or nothing for making me look more feminized. Even so, as my agenda continues as such, it means that I can look in the mirror and be delighted at the visual image of the statuesque and pretty blonde smiling back at me.

Work on the “statuesque” aspect mostly involves, in my opinion, improvements from the neck on down. Progress continues to be made in that department.

As to being pretty, work as such mostly involves, in my opinion, improvements from the neck on up. Today was a red-letter day for that, thanks to Susan Danton, an aesthetics nurse who magnificently combines her enthusiasm for art, her degree in science and her experience in the medical field. The only disconcerting aspect was that she looks too young to have all the experience she shows on her resume, but given where she works it all actually makes sense. I’m not implying that she’s dishonest, just that she’s lovely.

Susan is part of the team of Dr. Tiffany McCormack in Reno, NV. Her field of specialization, as relevant to me today, is non-surgical procedures that focus on injections. In addition, she did a great job of making sure that I’m very clear on the issues and options, so it’s like we’re on a journey together.

Today, I had some Botox done on my forehead to produce a generally younger-looking effect and to essentially provide an informal brow lift, which helps with the whole feminization agenda. Thanks to belonging to Allergan's discount club (a process for which the lovely receptionist was happy to sign me up) I got $50 off and ended up paying $250. Was it worth it? We won't know for a few days since it takes time to take effect. If it works half as well as I expect it to, then ... yes.

As to Radiesse injections, Susan did the sort of musing and planning that I do before I create good software (which is what I do professionally, most of the time). She weighed the options, effects and costs, did some what-if exploring by trying different effects on my face by shaping it with her hands, etc. Finally, while involving me in the key decisions, she decided on an approach that made sense to her and that I liked too. So, an hour and $750 later, I look like a more relaxed, younger, prettier version of me.

Was it worth it? If this lasts 18 months, then that's 540 days (or so), which means I'm paying less than $1.40 a day to look quite a bit prettier. I have more of a apple-cheeked look and the folds between my nose and mouth (nasolabial folds) are less pronounced. I look better and I feel better. Definitely worth it to me, as to personal satisfaction.

But, there’s more. I also privately model lingerie, and I get up to $200 an hour for that. Attractive models get more business. So, this makes a lot of sense, purely as a business decision. If I get 3 more gigs out of this sometime during the next year and a half -- and I might well -- then this procedure will have more than paid for itself, financially.

Long-term, I’m keen on something such as Artefill, i.e., something that I don’t have to repeat every 18 months. Then again, irreversible decisions should be made cautiously so I’m perfectly happy with the approach that Susan recommended and implemented today.

There are some splendid people who will be healthy and manage what they eat, no matter what. Kudos to them, but I'm not part of that group.

About 15 years ago, I had a client who was about to retire. When I greeted him in the typical US way of "hello, how are you?" he'd reply with, "Not bad for an old, fat guy." Indeed, the adjectives did fit. That sounded like a horrible future, to me.

"Old" and "fat" are relative, but not too long ago, I started slipping down that same path. I took an attractive lady friend windsurfing two years ago, and I remember feeling horribly self-conscious when I took off my shirt in her presence to put on my wet-suit. I was grossed out by seeing my fat, white, hairy tummy -- and I was ashamed that she saw it.

The future, of becoming an old man, fat or otherwise, was a very sad prospect for me. I was not a happy person. I knew I needed to lose weight. My attractive, lovely, less-than-half-my-age girlfriend made as many comments as would be polite. My mom made more comments yet. My medical checkup indicated I was within a blip of needing blood pressure medication. My BMI index was in the "overweight" category and I was a blip shy of the "obese" category. My reaction was: "I know, I know." However, I just wasn't motivated. Being male was not great; being an aging male was worse yet. Becoming healthier seemed to me to be the equivalent of putting air in the tires of a car that's on fire anyway. It all just seemed rather pointless.

Finally, I figured out my mental wiring. I had a past riddled with puzzling reactions, thoughts and feelings that made no sense until I tried the hypothesis of "maybe I have the mental wiring of a female" and suddenly it all made sense. It was like trying to figure out cosmic events and then coming up with a heliocentric theory that makes everything fit clearly and logically.

So, now a cynical reader might interject: "what, you'd rather grow old as an old lady?" My reply -- heck yes, and such I am inspired to fight the aging process every step of the way. I used to be married, and the lady I used to be married to was (and is, of course) quite a bit older than me. Although she's in her late fifties now, she's not just lovely but also still a very fit, hot, slender, curvy, blue-eyed blonde. So, I've seen the possibilities from close up. I don't think of blue-tinted hair, a stove and a cat. I think of Michelle Pfeiffer, Christie Brinkley, Mariah Carey, J-Lo ... none of them technically young, but all so very pretty and sexy. And, then there is the wonderfully inspiring lady called Cher.

Meanwhile, modern science keeps coming up with ways to make things better yet. So, yes, I'll happily the check the "F" box in the "M or F" question. That is the camp to which I belong anyway, based on how my mind is wired, and I am sooo happy to here.

Just more than a year ago, when things were at their worst, and I decided to turn them around, I figured that for someone who is 6" tall and with an athletic build (e.g., muscular legs and butt) a goal weight of 185 pounds makes a lot of sense. At the time, it seemed ridiculously unattainable, but I chose it and went for it anyway. And, inspired by the concept of being an ever-hotter chick, I pursued this with the energy of a forest fire.

Yesterday, I got on the scale, and it read 185.0. Absolutely perfect. And, I have not in the process lost my butt, or my legs, or my healthy hair, or my glowingly healthy skin.

An acquaintance of mine had her stomach made smaller surgically and she reached her daily calorie quota without getting in enough protein. The results were disastrous. Her hair fell out dramatically and instead of looking pretty, she looked ill.

Me, I tracked the calories I ate -- carefully, keeping it in the 1530 to 1930 range most days; going over very rarely and if so, no much ... never going below 1500 because that's when my body switches to starvation, fat-hoarding mode.

I made sure I got at least 85 grams of protein a day, and I made sure that I wouldn't overload my kidneys with that, so I tracked my fluid intake and made sure I drank between 12 and 24 glasses of water or their equivalent, daily. I also made sure I was getting enough fiber, between 30 and 50 grams a day. The result is a svelte, happy me at my perfect goal weight.

Well -- sort of. I have now critically looked at the status quo, and my (bisexual, yay) girlfriend and I have identified one more fatty midriff area that might benefit from departing. So, I'm now planning to lose 5 more pounds as such, but bottom line, I'm very happy already.

I recall how Jay Leno was telling folks about how he got started with his amazing classic and exotic car collection. When he was a kid, a local neighbor had a collection of classic and exotic cars. Jay's friends would say, "Wouldn't it be awesome to be Mr. X's mechanic and get to work on all those amazing cars?" Jay's reaction was: "Why not aim high and actually be like Mr. X and get to own and drive all those amazing cars?" And, indeed, that's precisely what he did.

I recall watching a movie in which Susan Anton starred: "Goldengirl," back in 1979. The 6” tall, athletic, blonde, lovely lady intrigued me. My friends, 17 or 18 at the time like I was, had the general reaction of how great it'd be to seduce such a lovely lady. Now that I think back, I realize that my reaction was parallel to that of Jay Leno: "why not aim high and actually be like Susan Anton and get to be that gorgeous?" And, indeed, that's precisely what I ended up striving to become.

I'll never be a Susan Anton clone, and I have a long way to go on my own journey, but even so, I am making good progress and I already have my share of admirers. Three days ago, a nice gentleman wrote me, totally unprompted: "good luck with your transition, gorgeous, 6' athletic blond with great ass sounds like a really good start :)” I found that very ironic, given what I had thought all those years ago.

The picture below, of me in the 6" white-and-pink shoes and the lime-green bikini, is what I looked like just before I hit my goal weight of 185 pounds (and yes, the breasts are fake, as in: 450cc bikini-top inserts).

The point of this update is twofold:

1. Often, transgender folks have a really sad journey, and I wanted to offer my happy story as a sort of counterpoint, to show that it doesn't always have to be sad. Maybe reading my story gives someone inspiration or hope or perspective.

2. Coming to grips with being feminine might be vastly inspiring, with results that could be better than what you'd ever considered yourself capable of achieving.

~Tanya