Seeking my Natural Holistic Healthy Self! 50 Y/o - Currently 34DD Looking to Explant - Rancho Cucamonga, CA

I have had 2 BAs - the first one I was 31 via the belly button, over the muscle. I went from a 34A to a 34C - instantly I hating them and the ripples that came with them. I thought I needed them after having 3 kids - fell into the "society mentality" that they would make me look/feel better.

I had my 2nd BA at 39, under the muscle via incision by the areola. Going under the muscle would be better for me as well as going just little bit bigger. Now you could only see ripples if I bent over - but they were still there. Two bags (now a bigger 34DD) hanging on to me that never felt quite like me. I hated them to be touched and over the years ignored them as if they never existed.

I went to my original PS yesterday and upon examination I reacted with an "ouch" every time he squeezed my right breast. He asked me how long has that been going on?

I started to cry.

I realized at that moment I had no idea. I have always been very much in touch with my body, my cycles, my mood - I feed it nutrient rich foods, exercise daily and take excellent care of my skin. But when it came to my breasts, I wasn't connected...at all. I felt so ashamed.

All I can do now is pray/ask for forgiveness to the Universe for what I have done. I want to embrace every square inch of me and the little breast tissue I will have when this is all done.

My explant is scheduled for 9/15/14 - 5 days after my 50th Birthday! I'm super excited and of course, nervous. It will be done under local anesthesia with a mild sedative.

Unfortunately, my hubbie is not on board with this. He never wanted the BA and hates the idea of ANY elective surgery. I know he will be supportive and caring during the healing process but right now he's not a happy camper. Every fiber in my being says this is the time for me to do this. I have to listen to my intuition.

The PS suggested I wait 6 months to see if I have a desire for a lift. I'm a good candidate to not have one.

I have started to tell my friends what my plans are and I find people's reactions to be quite interesting. I have not read much here on Real Self about this and I know many of you have chosen not to tell people. I bring it up to my friends because I'm a "sharing" kind of person and it will be very obvious that I have done something. There's also a very real psychological component us gals have to consider when we share. I value all opinions on the matter and those that disagree with me either give me something to think about that I haven't thought about before (so far this has not happened yet) or give me complete confirmation whole heartedly that what I plan to do is definitely THE BEST decision. I'm finding that 90% of my female friends understand my reason and have been loving and supportive of my decision. 90% of my male friends (the spouses of these ladies) are completely opposed to it.

Now I find this fascinating because there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that what I am doing is right for me. But the men's reactions have surprised me - I did not think they were that superficial, not this group.

Now regarding the most important man in my life - the hubbie, he struggles with it. The fear of surgery is BIG in his life. Hospitals/surgery centers have always scared him and because there is no real problem (in his eyes) with them - the whole idea just disturbs and repulses him. He had the same reaction when I had the two BAs.

After having implants for 19 years and despite me NEVER letting him touch them - I really think he may miss "the look" of them. So I will be honest here, it concerns me. My wish/my prayer is that he will see my little droopy boobs (coming 9/15!) as sexy (best case scenario) or not be repulsed by them (worse case scenario). Under best case scenario - I also hope to be comfortable with my own natural self where he WILL be able to touch and play with them again. I do think he will come around - he's my bff and a superb soul in my life for the last 33 years.

I'm going to see my general doctor today so I can get my blood work and EKG done. PS said if I go thru the general doctor and tell him I want a "physical" then my insurance will cover it. I appreciate my PS telling me about the loophole but how unfortunate that insurance companies wouldn't cover it if it was labeled for medical clearance for implant removal. (For those of you who are way under the age of 40 - my PS insists on an EKG if you are over 40) plus the mammogram I had back in November will suffice.

Thanks ladies for letting me "vent" here - all your profiles/comments are so helpful - such a wealth of knowledge among us. I feel blessed to have "met" my Real Self friends!

I just wanted to share what happened this weekend. My hubbie and I are recreational nudists, what that means is we like to go to nude beaches and vacation at resorts where clothing is not an option. It's not a sexual thing at all - it's a way of spending a few days in a very relaxed environment (yes there is a sense of freedom being naked!) with people who are generally open minded, unpretentious and down to earth. Acceptance of the body AS IS is how most nudists think and over the many years of doing this, we have met some of the nicest folks and made life long friends.

So, this last weekend we went to our favorite resort hangout and as usual met some very nice people by the pool. Conversations are very easy to have (surprisingly) when you are free from clothes - no inhibitions. Over the last couple of years (surprisingly and sadly) there have been more and more ladies with implants...a very UNUSUAL trend with nudists. (I did mine 19 years ago and back then I was in the minority). So the topic of breast implants came up and I was extremely surprised by the look of horror on EVERY SINGLE male I spoke to about my upcoming explant surgery. Complete horror.

Their reactions did not in any way deter me. Their wives (3 of the 4 had implants - guess who I thought had the most beautiful boobs?!) understood my reasons why, didn't necessarily agree but were respectful that it was a personal decision.

Of all the population segments, one would think that nudists would be more PRO about being natural....sadly, in 2014 this is certainly not the case. Over the last 4 years, I have been the one gal who always tries to talk the other gal NOT to have implants when they tell me that is their plan.

Loving and accepting ourselves AS IS is still a rarity and I want to applaud you beautiful ladies for moving in this direction and to thank all of you here on RS for sharing your stories as they truly do inspire me, empower me and solidify with conviction my stance regarding my decision. I have told my closest friends that there is no argument that could convince me that my plan for explanting is wrong - there would be only one reason for me not to proceed and that would be my intuition. I feel a very close connection to my soul - my God/Goddess/All That IS and if spirit gave me a message that this is not right for me - that would be the only reason for me not to proceed. Happily, I keep receiving confirmation, love and support that I am on the right track - happy, holistic and healthy will be what I manifest.

If you're still here on this update - thanks for taking the time to read this. I am on countdown mode - 20 days away - it will be THE best 50th birthday gift I can give myself!