Wanting to Give Myself the Best 30th Birthday Gift I Ever Could: a Second Chance at a Healthy Body - Portland, OR

This website and the inspiring stories women have shared here have been such an inspiration for me. I have struggled with my weight my entire life, but at 5'7" and 246lbs I've finally realized diet and exercise alone isn't ever going to be enough to get me to my goals. I'm at the very beginning of this journey and need all the help I can get. This can all be so overwhelming! My primary issue with my weight has always been on the portioning of things. Regardless of how healthy I try to eat, I always consume too much because my concept of "satisfied" is what others consider "beyond stuffed!" How on earth am I supposed to lose weight if I'm so hungry all the time I can't think of anything except my next meal? Plus there's the shame of eating so much more than everyone around me and seeing the looks of judgment from people when they see how much I'm eating has always brought me so much shame. I think sleeve surgery would be such an amazing tool to help me, because if I'm not hungry I won't have to deal with that portion of the struggles that come with dieting! I'm just SO OVER trying every freaking diet out there and failing after a week or two of complete misery. You all know the drill: it consumes your entire life, you lose a minimal amount of weight, stop the diet for whatever reason, and gain it all back plus some. My story is not unique. I just feel so desperate! I found out that my insurance plan doesn't cover bariatric surgery, and unfortunately asking my company to add this to our plan isn't an option. I work for my family's company with an owner (my aunt) who has been incredibly thin her entire life and is not understanding or compassionate about stuff like this. In addition, she is very controlling and meddlesome so I don't want to confide in her about this dream of surgery because I know her response would be to try to pressure me into another fad diet or a new workout regimen and I'm just DONE! I want results that encourage me to keep moving forward with repercussions when I take a step back (and from what I've read, overeating has immediate and major consequences that make you learn quickly once you've had the sleeve!). I'm so afraid that the price is going to be out of my range and my dream will fall apart. I'm contacting the weight loss center in my city this afternoon, hopefully from there I'll be able to start moving forward with some clearer vision and a more concrete plan for the future. Any and all advice you sleeve veterans have would be greatly appreciated!

So yesterday I watched a one-hour video that was an introduction seminar from the surgical center I'm looking into. Boy howdy. Even with actual cost not shown, the numbers are starting to scare me. ($500/month if I pay by the credit card they offer?!) Am I going to be in debt for the rest of my life to have the body I've always wanted? That concept is devastating to me. I guess I need to call and talk to someone because I have so many questions that I'm just not finding answered anywhere online. One super random question that I'd love for all you sleeve veterans to answer for me is how well do the incision scars heal? Am I going to have crazy gash scars on my abdomen for the rest of my life? It's not like I want to show my stomach now but I've always had a dream of wearing a bikini. I'd like to be able to do that without being like "HELLO WORLD HERE I AM IN A TWO PIECE LOOK AT MY WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY SCARS" haha. But I guess it's better than "hello world here I am in a moo-moo because that's all I'm comfortable wearing please don't look at me ok thanks bye."
I also watched a video of an actual sleeve being done. Once I got over the ick factor of looking at a real life surgery, it was pretty fascinating. Scary and intimidating, but fascinating. I'm really hoping this all works out! I miss my confidence.
The other frustrating thing I'm finding is that I am about 1 BMI point away from actually being eligible for the sleeve. I could get the lap band but I don't feel that option is right for me. Am I really going to have to gain more weight before they'll let me start this process? Because believe me, it'll happen. I've been gaining consistently for the last four years. I don't want to have to wait for another ten pounds to pile on before they'll say ok! I want to start this process now and change myself for the better, not put myself in another ten lbs of danger before I can move forward. ARRRGH RULES!!!

I am having the biggest back and forth arguments with myself lately. There’s part of me that reeeeeeallly doesn’t want to have surgery. Doesn’t want to go through the pain, doesn’t want to give up the big meals, doesn’t want to risk her life to get the body she wants. Doesn’t want to spend a year’s worth of vacation recovering from being cut open and cut apart. Doesn’t want to pay all that money when, really, just a little bit of effort could get the weight off.

I suspect heavily that this is the food addict side of me talking.

Who would give up feeling happy throughout the entire day to be able to continue having big meals when they go out with family occasionally? Who would choose to have more of those unsatisfying (and yet still so good) snacks at Taco Bell over fitting into cute clothes at regular stores? Who would choose shame over activities? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to go out dancing, but have stayed home instead because I didn’t want to be seen at this weight. I’ve avoided old friends visiting town who I haven’t seen in years because I don’t want them to notice how much I’ve ballooned up. I am living a lesser life because of this weight, and yet the fear (of surgery, of losing my closest lifelong friend (food), of failing even with a tiny stomach) is still trying to keep me from moving forward.

I think that voice is having its last say. It’s getting loud right now for the last time as it takes its dying gasps and loses the “don’t move forward with your life” battle. Because let me tell you, friends: there is nothing more motivating than going to a photoshoot and seeing the results.

A little background about myself: I am a burlesque performer. I am lucky enough to live in a city that has a thriving performance community whose motto is “everybody is beautiful and every BODY is beautiful.” The only problem is, I don’t believe that anymore. I don’t feel beautiful, and I haven’t performed in a long time due to my own self-image issues. I know a lot of people don’t understand why anyone would want to do burlesque; isn’t it just stripping, how crude, etc. I can assure you, I’ve heard it all and I get that it’s not for everyone. But it is terribly empowering. I love it and I miss it and I want to be back up on stage wearing beautiful costumes covered in rhinestones and feathers and hearing the cheer of the audience as I perform. I love it. But when a friend and I got together for a photoshoot this weekend and I saw the results, I wanted to cry. Beautiful black and white soft focus shots couldn’t hide the giant belly that drew focus from the rest of the picture. Lighting and makeup couldn’t hide that I don’t have cheekbones anymore, nor that my eyes look like tiny little specks in a fleshy wasteland of a face. My wonderful friends encouraged me to go, told me I was beautiful, promised me I’d have fun. Told me I looked great. But when you can’t find yourself within the giant person looking up at you from the camera screen, it’s NOT fun and it’s definitely time for a change.

The fear needs to stop winning. Reality is setting in, and it’s time to accept that I cannot (or will not, or both) do this alone. That surgery isn’t taking the easy way out. That there’s nothing wrong with my path not looking like the path of anyone else I know. That even on this unexpected path, it’s not going to look how I thought it would look. I’m afraid of a surgery in a different country, despite the awesome reviews (and shockingly few negative issues) of the surgeon I’m looking into. Realistically though, I can’t afford this surgery in the US. And I’m pretty darn close to Tijuana, so it’s not even that big of a deal to get down there. Did everyone else have these freak outs as they went through the process of committing to a life-changing surgery? What are the truly negative sides to this? I’m not finding much and I don’t want to be blindsided when I go into this.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of being sad and self-conscious and bored because I’m choosing to hide at home over doing the things I love to do. I’m tired of my feet hurting after walking for an hour. I’m tired of not living the life I planned on living because I don’t like the way I look and because I feel too tired to really get up and out and into things. I’m tired of being tired.