Ready to Be to Myself 37, 9 month 270cc removal

I have decided to write my story after thinking about it for a long time. I guess I haven’t done it yet mainly, let’s be honest, because I am a bit embarrassed. But everyone here has helped me so much, that the least I can do is try to pay it forward. My first language is not English, sorry if I make some mistakes.
I’m 37, I have three kids and breastfed all them. After the pregnancies my boobs were empty and low, very low. For years I considered the idea of a lift; no really concerned about the size so much as I am quite petite and I think small would be proportionate with my body. Then my best friend had a breast augmentation. And it just planted the seed in my mind and when we went overseas to visit my family this last September, for some reason I thought “now or never”. I went a see a plastic surgeon who said there was very little breast tissue so I needed implants apart from the lift. Somehow I though “ok” and a couple of weeks later I had it done. 270cc submuscular and mastopexy. I went from a quite empty 10B to a 10D. The doctor never asked me any questions relating to my reasons, feelings… which I didn’t even think about then, but now.. nothing about anxiety, nothing about body image issues? It is a big thing to alter someone’s body forever, and sometimes I don’t think we realize how important it is until it is done. I wish the doctor had Talked to me, a proper long chat before anything was done. I think he is a good plastic surgeon, but I wish he had listened more to someone that repeatedly, said that didn’t want big breast, just wanted them to be in the right position. Anyway, what is done, it’s done. It has been 6 months. My breasts look ok, although the left one is a bit lower – the doctor told me that because of my sclerosis is harder to get them symmetric. As soon as the bandage and the drains came off, I knew I had made a big mistake.
The first weeks I tried to convince myself and smile to others. I got hooked into Realself.com and all the women in here, supporting each other, listening and just being here, being honest but caring. I cried. I cried a lot, everyday. I couldn’t shake the sadness that had me feeling lifeless, tired, not myself. I was supposed to be enjoying, feeling sexier, more feminine… but I just felt lonely, in a sad costume which I couldn’t get out of. From outside everything looked fine; but my close ones knew something was wrong. It was very hard. I couldn’t stop thinking “what have I done to my body?”, going over and over the last moments before surgery, the many times I told my plastic surgeon I wanted small breasts, the moment in which I rushed into the decision. I have battled with anxiety all my life, and I can’t really understand how I didn’t realize that was my anxiety who wanted this surgery, not me. I eat healthy, I exercise, I try to be natural, … this is not me. I don’t know how else to describe it and I really hope I am not offending anyone. I feel so stupid for not being able to adapt to these implants, especially when I see so many women, so happy. But I also know that there is no point putting myself down, I need to build my own happiness and I am ready to work towards it. I am writing this review for those contemplating implant removal after only a short time. It happens. I am still feeling extremely guilty for having wasted the money in the first surgery, and now in a second one. But I have to keep telling myself that I just made a mistake. Just a mistake. It is ok. It will be ok. I will be ok.
Then one day I was having a look in Realself and I came across someone’s implant removal story. Someone who didn’t have the implants in for very long and talked about feeling free again. And it clicked. And I smiled just thinking about going back to me. I felt relieved to know that I didn’t have to put up with the results of my mistake forever.
In between tears I talked to my husband and tried to explain to him how I feel. It is very hard for him to understand it, because he knows how much I wanted it in the first place, and because he loves my new boobs! But he supports me. It took him a second – a bit of a long second ;) - to assimilate it and then he hugged me. That is all I wanted.
I had my first consult last week, and the second one will be on Thursday 10. I think it is a good idea to have the two, because now I have a new lot of questions ready to go. I had more time to research, to know what I want. I have to be realistic; the doctor told me there is not much breast tissue left. Surprise surprise. He told me to think about it because it would be a bit change. I know, but it would be me. As much as it scares me to be flat, I want to learn to love myself and teach my little girls that we are all beautiful no matter what; that their happiness lives in their souls. The first doctor mentioned I would have a new scar. Great. When I had my lift I had a lollipop scar. This surgery would add a small horizontal scar in the crease of my breasts. I am nervous about having more scar that boob… I am in a world of contradictions. Implants out, no replacement, but tighten the lift, the prettier the better… I suppose it is normal to feel like that. Sometimes I don’t know anymore.
I liked this first doctor because he was gentle and honest. I didn’t like that he couldn’t show me photos of any cases similar to mine. I wish I had asked him if they would look ok, small, but ok? I guess Im wondering if they would look deformed afterwards..
The main questions I have for the second doctor are:
• Have you done many removals without replacement with a lift? Photos
• Do you think I could have a satisfactory result? In saying that I am perfectly aware my breasts would be smaller than before this “adventure”
• Would I need a horizontal scar? Would my scars look worse after a second surgery?
• What can I do presurgery to help healing?
• What type of bra I would need after surgery?
• How long would it be before I can exercise and go back to work?
• Does the muscle need to be reattached?
• How does the surgery work? I would like to know how the procedure works.
• Does the capsule need to come out? I don’t really want to lose any extra tissue if it is not necessary
• What would happen with the areola size? I notice they stretched after the first surgery. Can something be done to avoid this happening again?
• How long will I need drains for?
I feel like I didn’t ask enough questions when I had my implants in, so I want to make sure I know exactly what is happening this time. I think the scariest part is the unknown… and sadly it is impossible to know what the result will be. I’m very nervous about this second doctor telling me that if I have the implants removed, it would be a disaster. I want to make sure I do the right thing.
While I wait, I have started seeing a psychologist. I want to learn from all of this. I want to be the one making the decisions, not my anxiety. And I need to be ready to deal with whatever the outcome of this surgery is, to learn the tools to love myself as I am, and make those around me happy. This mistake is not going to define me, even if these days I am still not where I would like to be emotionally.
It is very hard to find stories or photos of women having a removal and lift with small breasts, so I am so so thankful to everyone that has posted their stories. It made me feel party of a big family when I was feeling very lonely. Thank you so much to all of you for being so brave and so supportive.
……. It took me a moth to get the courage to post this. In the meanwhile I saw the second doctor, and I really liked him. He made me feel safe, and sane! Sort of ‘we all make mistakes” kind of sane. He was very understanding and very knowledgeable. I haven’t been able to find reviews online, but he has a lot of experience and a great reputation. I’m still scared though…about how I am going to look. Because I have only had the implants in for 7 months in, he has recommended leaving the capsule in– unless of course, when he goes in there is a problem with the implants. He has also recommended waiting a few months before tightening the lift to give my body an opportunity to heal by itself. I don’t know why I don’t trust my body a lot though. We will see. I have booked the surgery on the 1st July to make it coincide with the kids school holidays so it is a bit easier. I am very scared. Most of the women in here had nice looking boobs before surgery, mine weren’t like that…they were basically flaps. . Now they will probably be non existent. Am I going back to that? Will they be even worse? I suppose, at the end, it shouldn’t matter. I am more than my breasts. I am going to be free.

These are the photos they took in the preop before 270cc and lift. Just beautiful;)

Im so scared today. I was in the shower and I made the mistake of trying to squeeze my boob to see how much breast tissue is left. Not much. Not much at all. I just cant picture how this is going to look, and I want to make sure that after the removal, I don't feel even worse than I feel now. I know the not having anything artificial, nonmesical - I just made that one up!, in my body will be great. It is the aesthetics that worries me, to be able to be prepared to love me regardless. I wish I could go back and stop myself before making this huge mistake..