Ready to Be to Myself 37, 9 month 270cc removal

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I have decided to write my story after thinking...

I have decided to write my story after thinking about it for a long time. I guess I haven’t done it yet mainly, let’s be honest, because I am a bit embarrassed. But everyone here has helped me so much, that the least I can do is try to pay it forward. My first language is not English, sorry if I make some mistakes.
I’m 37, I have three kids and breastfed all them. After the pregnancies my boobs were empty and low, very low. For years I considered the idea of a lift; no really concerned about the size so much as I am quite petite and I think small would be proportionate with my body. Then my best friend had a breast augmentation. And it just planted the seed in my mind and when we went overseas to visit my family this last September, for some reason I thought “now or never”. I went a see a plastic surgeon who said there was very little breast tissue so I needed implants apart from the lift. Somehow I though “ok” and a couple of weeks later I had it done. 270cc submuscular and mastopexy. I went from a quite empty 10B to a 10D. The doctor never asked me any questions relating to my reasons, feelings… which I didn’t even think about then, but now.. nothing about anxiety, nothing about body image issues? It is a big thing to alter someone’s body forever, and sometimes I don’t think we realize how important it is until it is done. I wish the doctor had Talked to me, a proper long chat before anything was done. I think he is a good plastic surgeon, but I wish he had listened more to someone that repeatedly, said that didn’t want big breast, just wanted them to be in the right position. Anyway, what is done, it’s done. It has been 6 months. My breasts look ok, although the left one is a bit lower – the doctor told me that because of my sclerosis is harder to get them symmetric. As soon as the bandage and the drains came off, I knew I had made a big mistake.
The first weeks I tried to convince myself and smile to others. I got hooked into and all the women in here, supporting each other, listening and just being here, being honest but caring. I cried. I cried a lot, everyday. I couldn’t shake the sadness that had me feeling lifeless, tired, not myself. I was supposed to be enjoying, feeling sexier, more feminine… but I just felt lonely, in a sad costume which I couldn’t get out of. From outside everything looked fine; but my close ones knew something was wrong. It was very hard. I couldn’t stop thinking “what have I done to my body?”, going over and over the last moments before surgery, the many times I told my plastic surgeon I wanted small breasts, the moment in which I rushed into the decision. I have battled with anxiety all my life, and I can’t really understand how I didn’t realize that was my anxiety who wanted this surgery, not me. I eat healthy, I exercise, I try to be natural, … this is not me. I don’t know how else to describe it and I really hope I am not offending anyone. I feel so stupid for not being able to adapt to these implants, especially when I see so many women, so happy. But I also know that there is no point putting myself down, I need to build my own happiness and I am ready to work towards it. I am writing this review for those contemplating implant removal after only a short time. It happens. I am still feeling extremely guilty for having wasted the money in the first surgery, and now in a second one. But I have to keep telling myself that I just made a mistake. Just a mistake. It is ok. It will be ok. I will be ok.
Then one day I was having a look in Realself and I came across someone’s implant removal story. Someone who didn’t have the implants in for very long and talked about feeling free again. And it clicked. And I smiled just thinking about going back to me. I felt relieved to know that I didn’t have to put up with the results of my mistake forever.
In between tears I talked to my husband and tried to explain to him how I feel. It is very hard for him to understand it, because he knows how much I wanted it in the first place, and because he loves my new boobs! But he supports me. It took him a second – a bit of a long second ;) - to assimilate it and then he hugged me. That is all I wanted.
I had my first consult last week, and the second one will be on Thursday 10. I think it is a good idea to have the two, because now I have a new lot of questions ready to go. I had more time to research, to know what I want. I have to be realistic; the doctor told me there is not much breast tissue left. Surprise surprise. He told me to think about it because it would be a bit change. I know, but it would be me. As much as it scares me to be flat, I want to learn to love myself and teach my little girls that we are all beautiful no matter what; that their happiness lives in their souls. The first doctor mentioned I would have a new scar. Great. When I had my lift I had a lollipop scar. This surgery would add a small horizontal scar in the crease of my breasts. I am nervous about having more scar that boob… I am in a world of contradictions. Implants out, no replacement, but tighten the lift, the prettier the better… I suppose it is normal to feel like that. Sometimes I don’t know anymore.
I liked this first doctor because he was gentle and honest. I didn’t like that he couldn’t show me photos of any cases similar to mine. I wish I had asked him if they would look ok, small, but ok? I guess Im wondering if they would look deformed afterwards..
The main questions I have for the second doctor are:
• Have you done many removals without replacement with a lift? Photos
• Do you think I could have a satisfactory result? In saying that I am perfectly aware my breasts would be smaller than before this “adventure”
• Would I need a horizontal scar? Would my scars look worse after a second surgery?
• What can I do presurgery to help healing?
• What type of bra I would need after surgery?
• How long would it be before I can exercise and go back to work?
• Does the muscle need to be reattached?
• How does the surgery work? I would like to know how the procedure works.
• Does the capsule need to come out? I don’t really want to lose any extra tissue if it is not necessary
• What would happen with the areola size? I notice they stretched after the first surgery. Can something be done to avoid this happening again?
• How long will I need drains for?
I feel like I didn’t ask enough questions when I had my implants in, so I want to make sure I know exactly what is happening this time. I think the scariest part is the unknown… and sadly it is impossible to know what the result will be. I’m very nervous about this second doctor telling me that if I have the implants removed, it would be a disaster. I want to make sure I do the right thing.
While I wait, I have started seeing a psychologist. I want to learn from all of this. I want to be the one making the decisions, not my anxiety. And I need to be ready to deal with whatever the outcome of this surgery is, to learn the tools to love myself as I am, and make those around me happy. This mistake is not going to define me, even if these days I am still not where I would like to be emotionally.
It is very hard to find stories or photos of women having a removal and lift with small breasts, so I am so so thankful to everyone that has posted their stories. It made me feel party of a big family when I was feeling very lonely. Thank you so much to all of you for being so brave and so supportive.
……. It took me a moth to get the courage to post this. In the meanwhile I saw the second doctor, and I really liked him. He made me feel safe, and sane! Sort of ‘we all make mistakes” kind of sane. He was very understanding and very knowledgeable. I haven’t been able to find reviews online, but he has a lot of experience and a great reputation. I’m still scared though…about how I am going to look. Because I have only had the implants in for 7 months in, he has recommended leaving the capsule in– unless of course, when he goes in there is a problem with the implants. He has also recommended waiting a few months before tightening the lift to give my body an opportunity to heal by itself. I don’t know why I don’t trust my body a lot though. We will see. I have booked the surgery on the 1st July to make it coincide with the kids school holidays so it is a bit easier. I am very scared. Most of the women in here had nice looking boobs before surgery, mine weren’t like that…they were basically flaps. . Now they will probably be non existent. Am I going back to that? Will they be even worse? I suppose, at the end, it shouldn’t matter. I am more than my breasts. I am going to be free.

Photos preop

These are the photos they took in the preop before 270cc and lift. Just beautiful;)

Bad boob day

Im so scared today. I was in the shower and I made the mistake of trying to squeeze my boob to see how much breast tissue is left. Not much. Not much at all. I just cant picture how this is going to look, and I want to make sure that after the removal, I don't feel even worse than I feel now. I know the not having anything artificial, nonmesical - I just made that one up!, in my body will be great. It is the aesthetics that worries me, to be able to be prepared to love me regardless. I wish I could go back and stop myself before making this huge mistake..

Post op bras

I've found these front zip up bras in Kmart yesterday. They come in a pack of 2, nude and black, and they were $19. I've bought them for after removal and thought it might help someone else.
Things are starting to get real. I have the preop appointment with the doc next Tuesday 14 June and I've been trying to write down everything I can think of to ask him. The least unknown, the better I will feel.

The night

I'm having a bad night stressing about the outcome of the explant. Everyone else's photos look so nice, but I know I have to be realistic and know that that probably won't be me. And I know my breast don't define me. I know I am beautiful either way, I just wish... I wish for the best I guess. I just don't know if at this point it's better to hope for the best and expect the worst, so the fall is not huge if the outcome is not what I wanted. And on the other hand I know that all of this is totally contradictory, because I keep going on about "I don't want to be fake", "they are not me", "I want to be my realself". And it is all true. But I also want to have breasts that look my age, not thirty years older.
The best is probably to try and not obsses about it. I feel like boobs are taking over my life lately and I can't wait to be done with the explant and start healing!
Tomorrow will be a better day. I will be strong again.


And with the light of the day, it comes perspective. It's Sunday and we spent the day with the kids, we played sports, we went for lunch, we laughed a lot... Not for one moment I thought that my day was so much better for having big boobs. I love my family and they love me. What else could I ask for?
I know the journey is going to be one of ups and downs, a bumpy adventure towards happiness. But I am ready. Bring it on, Life!

Letter to myself

Today I had an appointment with my psychologist. It was perfect timing as I have the preop appointment with the PS tomorrow, and I've been a bit up and down with anxiety and emotions. We talked about a lot of things, about tomorrow, but mainly about how to prepare for the op and th outcome of it. We talked about managing expectations, and about learning to let go of this prefabricated and unachievable ideal of perfection.
But there was something that he said which really resonated with me and I think maybe it could help someone else. He gave me the idea of writing a letter to my post op self. A letter with my reasons, why I am explanting, who I want to become, why these stupid implants shouldn't be part of me, how this decision is going to help me grow and love myself. A letter that I can read again and again if I need to during recovery. I think it will help me to remember and be gentle to myself.
Less than 3 weeks to go now.

Getting close

Surgery date is getting really close now. I have been feeling the anxiety slowly creeping up over the weekend, and today it just went right up and I had a bit of a moment this morning. I felt lonely, and alone if that makes sense. And without words or thoughts, I only felt fear, a knot of fear pumping twisted in my chest. It didn't last; but I did lose perspective for a few minutes and it was scary. I had to ask for help and cry it out. Tears are the best cure sometimes. Let it all out, let the knot swim out until I cant see it anymore. I know I will be ok; I know it is only my breasts; I know in a few months, a few years, this, all of this, won't matter and I will be in a much better and healthier place. But I also know the next few days will be challenging. The challenge of being in the moment without worrying about the future, or blaming myself for the past. I need to stay centered and appreciate life for what it is: a Gift, a precious magic Gift.
I am going to be a better, smaller ;), less scared me after Friday.


Tomorrow is the day. This last week has been extremely emotional.Up and down and down and up and up and let's start again doooooown... All while trying to keep this roller-coaster in the inside, because at the end of the day, it is me who is going through it and as much as my close friends and family are extremely supportive, I don't want to burden them too much with all my worries and ever-changing moods. Having those very few close friends by myself has been amazing though; feeling their love and their understanding and realising that some friends are Friends with capital letters, "blood friends". I will never be able to tell them enough how important their company in this lonely road has been.
Tomorrow is the day and of course, I can't sleep. My mind is all over the place, tired, excited and scared all at once.
Tomorrow I will be me again. I hope I learn to love myself. I know I deserve it.
Thank you to all of you that have helped me, listened to me or simply told your stories. You have been an inspiration and a comfort place when I needed one.
Here we go.xo

And they are out

Like that, they are out!! I have slept only a little bit so I'm very tired but feeling quite ok. The nurses, anaesthesist and doctor have all been amazing and I feel incredibly lucky to have this team supporting me.
I got here 6.30 am yesterday. Got to the room and the anaesthesist came in for a talk. He let me have water until 2 h before the op and gave a antinausea tablet. Both of those must have helped cos for the first time after surgery,I feel good, no sign on nausea at all.
They gave me a sleeping tablet and around 11 am we went down to theatre...which I don't remember at all!! I remember the holding room, half remember crying a lot and my doctor there and that is about it. No counting, no theatre.
When I woke up it hurt but nothing unbearable. I have stayed overnight and I feel ok. The pain comes from the areola to the armpit really, but it is not too bad, although I don't have a great range of movement at the moment.
The nurse had to check the dressings last night and she let me have a quick look. From the top the look tiny but ok and I was getting all excited. But looking at them, there seems to be like empty skin sitting at the bottom, like a mini double boob. How lucky, bonus boobs ;)!
I don't know if it ll all fill up but it's day one so no worried. The other thing I have noticed is the armpit and side boob. Where did that come from? Not sure if that will stay there, fingers crossed that it won't. Otherwise they look ok and at least there is something there. Now I guess I have to be patient... Not exactly my forte!
The doc is coming this morning and I hope he is prepared for my never-ending list of questions! And then I think we will go back home and try to rest. I want to make sure I ask how much or how little I can do,so I don't get overconfident and hurt myself.
I will try to post some photos tomorrow when I get home.

The doctor came

Doc came this morning and said everything went well. Implants were intact and there were no lumps. Surprise, surprise, the implants were tear-drop when I specifically said to my original PS that I didn't want tear-drop implants. He said they were moderate profile round. I don't understand why he wasn't honest about it.
Anyway, doc said he took the implants out and did some internal stitches from the top to rise the breast tissue a bit. So I have to be very careful next 2 weeks not to move my arms too much.
I'm looking forward to the post op on Thursday though, because I don't feel a 100% with all the meds and I forgot most of my questions.
I'm home now. And I am myself. All is good.


So, this is what is left. And I'm very happy. I'm guessing they are swollen, but I will be happy with whatever is left. I feel like a new, much more real me. I hope my journey can help someone in the same position I was. Thank you again to all the women in this forum who helped me get here.
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