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Day 37
Yesterday at work, I was still feeling upset about what happened at the orthodontist. To be told again I just need to give it time and that I was wrong is enough to make a person go crazy. Maybe I haven't emphasized enough that it's not the size of my chin, it's WHERE it is and I'm not taking issue with how I look in the mirror, I'm talking about my x-rays—and no amount of time is going to change where my chin bone is or the angle of my jaw.
But I was thinking yesterday and I realized . . . it is easier for them to say my feelings aren't valid than to admit they made a mistake. I stopped feeling crazy when I realized it's not about me really being wrong. I have verifiable proof what they say isn't true, but it isn't about the facts to them, it's about pride. You can't go the rest of your life and make zero mistakes; but some find the prospect of mistakes so unpalatable, they'll find some way to justify or nullify what happened so they don't have to accept the possibility they aren't perfect.
I'm willing to accept that this was a mistake and I could have done things much differently. I'm willing to say, “I don't want more surgery and I may just have to accept how I look, that I don't get to be beautiful in this lifetime.” I want my chin done but can't face the possibility that another surgeon, who would be a colleague of my surgeon, would agree (like my orthodontist) with this BS conclusion based on the fact that they're friends and my surgeon is “good” and apparently, therefore above making errors, like some living god of jaw surgery. The prospect of more invalidation of my perception is beyond what I can handle.
But my “team” isn't willing to accept that sometimes, people make mistakes and those mistakes hurt other people. Mistakes are our teachers and you can never grow if you refuse to admit they are possible, and inevitable. That's what bothers me. It's as clear as day this is not a success, yet they continue to deny what is right in front of them, instead telling me I am the one who's got it wrong and I'll see they're right someday—because they have a degree, and I don't, and therefore how they feel is more legitimate.
I'm set to see my surgeon next week. Then I don't see him until my braces are off—a year or more from now. I'm wondering if the orthodontist left a note about the incident on Thursday so I'm not looking forward to it, if so, but I'll be glad to not have to see him for a long time. Then one more with my orthodontist the week after, and then those too will reduce to 4-6 weeks apart.
I was really looking forward to chewing in 4 days but my left side is acting up, I feel like I injured something, so maybe it'll be more liquids still because I can't imagine trying to chew with this amount of pain and soreness. Gee, can't wait.
But I was thinking yesterday and I realized . . . it is easier for them to say my feelings aren't valid than to admit they made a mistake. I stopped feeling crazy when I realized it's not about me really being wrong. I have verifiable proof what they say isn't true, but it isn't about the facts to them, it's about pride. You can't go the rest of your life and make zero mistakes; but some find the prospect of mistakes so unpalatable, they'll find some way to justify or nullify what happened so they don't have to accept the possibility they aren't perfect.
I'm willing to accept that this was a mistake and I could have done things much differently. I'm willing to say, “I don't want more surgery and I may just have to accept how I look, that I don't get to be beautiful in this lifetime.” I want my chin done but can't face the possibility that another surgeon, who would be a colleague of my surgeon, would agree (like my orthodontist) with this BS conclusion based on the fact that they're friends and my surgeon is “good” and apparently, therefore above making errors, like some living god of jaw surgery. The prospect of more invalidation of my perception is beyond what I can handle.
But my “team” isn't willing to accept that sometimes, people make mistakes and those mistakes hurt other people. Mistakes are our teachers and you can never grow if you refuse to admit they are possible, and inevitable. That's what bothers me. It's as clear as day this is not a success, yet they continue to deny what is right in front of them, instead telling me I am the one who's got it wrong and I'll see they're right someday—because they have a degree, and I don't, and therefore how they feel is more legitimate.
I'm set to see my surgeon next week. Then I don't see him until my braces are off—a year or more from now. I'm wondering if the orthodontist left a note about the incident on Thursday so I'm not looking forward to it, if so, but I'll be glad to not have to see him for a long time. Then one more with my orthodontist the week after, and then those too will reduce to 4-6 weeks apart.
I was really looking forward to chewing in 4 days but my left side is acting up, I feel like I injured something, so maybe it'll be more liquids still because I can't imagine trying to chew with this amount of pain and soreness. Gee, can't wait.
Day 36
Still not happy.
I wasn't thinking about it too much until I was at my 5-week checkup at my orthodontist yesterday and told them how I felt, that I felt like it was pointless and my surgery didn't change anything important to me.
I mentioned that I still feel like I'm choking on my tongue and he looked through my surgeon's notes, said, "They did move your upper forward," and said no more about it. So what the cause is, I don't know.
As for the chin, he looked at me from the side and said, "It looks fine to me. Obviously it's about what you want, but . . ." I said chins are supposed to project between the upper lip and nose, and mine is nowhere near where it's supposed to be. He straight-up told me this was not true for women and moving my chin would have risked making me look masculine. He was not unkind but I ended up crying because he was just like "We'll take your pictures next time and you'd be surprised at the difference," and the gold standard of "Wait until your swelling goes down to decide."
I am completely baffled because I like to think I have working eyes and I've been paying attention to women's chin projection; all the well-proportioned faces have the projection I noted above. But apparently my perception is wrong and so is Rickett's Esthetic Plane.
I simply don't understand. People get AMAZING results with surgery and I look more or less the same; I wish I had a before picture that better illustrated this. It's heartbreaking enough that I didn't get what I wanted, but then to be told I'm wrong, but they'll entertain my delusion . . . no one needs that. I have no chin, no chin space, yet both people on my team are insisting this looks fine and I feel crazy.
I wasn't thinking about it too much until I was at my 5-week checkup at my orthodontist yesterday and told them how I felt, that I felt like it was pointless and my surgery didn't change anything important to me.
I mentioned that I still feel like I'm choking on my tongue and he looked through my surgeon's notes, said, "They did move your upper forward," and said no more about it. So what the cause is, I don't know.
As for the chin, he looked at me from the side and said, "It looks fine to me. Obviously it's about what you want, but . . ." I said chins are supposed to project between the upper lip and nose, and mine is nowhere near where it's supposed to be. He straight-up told me this was not true for women and moving my chin would have risked making me look masculine. He was not unkind but I ended up crying because he was just like "We'll take your pictures next time and you'd be surprised at the difference," and the gold standard of "Wait until your swelling goes down to decide."
I am completely baffled because I like to think I have working eyes and I've been paying attention to women's chin projection; all the well-proportioned faces have the projection I noted above. But apparently my perception is wrong and so is Rickett's Esthetic Plane.
I simply don't understand. People get AMAZING results with surgery and I look more or less the same; I wish I had a before picture that better illustrated this. It's heartbreaking enough that I didn't get what I wanted, but then to be told I'm wrong, but they'll entertain my delusion . . . no one needs that. I have no chin, no chin space, yet both people on my team are insisting this looks fine and I feel crazy.
Day 17 - Might Have to Do This Again
In 2017, I decided to get braces and jaw surgery to fix my side profile. I have plenty of flaws, but this was one I really couldn't accept. I felt horrible and ugly every time I saw it. I had an open bite and overjet, but those were lesser concerns to me and fixing those were just nice touches. As my treatment kicked off and progressed, I found other things I was hoping to change--like being able to breathe better and not feeling like I was almost choking on my tongue all the time; and I knew it should correct my forward head tilt, which develops from the narrowed airway, and resultant shoulder and neck pain from the head hanging forward all the time.
I was originally booked with one surgeon in Halifax that retired in the 2 years between my consultation and surgery. I was assigned a new surgeon and met him for the first time two weeks before my procedure. I really liked his energy and he seemed sensible and down to earth.
My original plan involved widening my palate, which is a bit narrow; bringing the maxilla forward; bringing the mandible forward; a bit of rotation; and a genioplasty to correct the proportion of my chin.
The surgeon I was assigned had a different plan. He impacted my maxilla (my smile had become extremely gummy with braces) but did not move it forward, nor widen my palate because he said it was wide enough. He advanced and rotated my mandible. And he was really adamant that he could make my chin look better without a genioplasty, and no big deal, I could get it done later. I agreed and took his word for it.
Big mistake.
The more I think about it, the more pointless this surgery has been. My mouth is still uncomfortably small. I still can't have a proper posture because it obstructs my breathing to do so. I still feel like I'm choking on my own tongue. My bite is correct and my smile is no longer gummy, but nothing else has changed.
And the most important thing, I look the same from the side. I've been crying since day 5 because it has become clear that no amount of a reduction in swelling is going to make my chin bone grow. It still points down, it still sits a good half inch back from where it needs to be. I've been sitting here on a liquid diet, now onto soft foods but no chewing, getting severe tmj pain I didn't have before . . . and didn't even get the results I wanted. I had a horrible time in the hospital because the medications were making me sick and I couldn't sleep. After day 3 it was okay, but recovery is that much harder knowing you don't even look or feel better. At first it was just my chin that was the problem, but the more I assess how things feel, the more depressed I become because I continue to live in discomfort. All that . . . for no meaningful benefit.
I cried at my 2-week checkup with my surgeon when I saw my x-rays because I could see little difference. When I expressed my disappointment with regards to my chin, my surgeon had no compassion and was so focussed on the "great" job he had done with my bite and told me to stop being so bummed out. "All this over your chin?" Wow . . . He said he had no regrets and my chin measured fine, he didn't want to give me a chin that was too strong; apparently, the size is all that matters, not the location relative to the rest of your face.
To his credit, he did offer to fix my chin free of charge, but who wants to get a second surgery that could have been avoided if their surgeon had understood facial proportions? Who wants to get a second surgery from someone who insists you don't need it? And now the more I think about it, the more I feel I'll need my jaws done again if I want to be comfortable, able to breathe, and avoid a relapse with my open bite. I'm going to be asking my orthodontist (who does some of my post-op checks) later this week if I can speak to another surgeon for a second opinion.
Anyway, that's all for now.
I was originally booked with one surgeon in Halifax that retired in the 2 years between my consultation and surgery. I was assigned a new surgeon and met him for the first time two weeks before my procedure. I really liked his energy and he seemed sensible and down to earth.
My original plan involved widening my palate, which is a bit narrow; bringing the maxilla forward; bringing the mandible forward; a bit of rotation; and a genioplasty to correct the proportion of my chin.
The surgeon I was assigned had a different plan. He impacted my maxilla (my smile had become extremely gummy with braces) but did not move it forward, nor widen my palate because he said it was wide enough. He advanced and rotated my mandible. And he was really adamant that he could make my chin look better without a genioplasty, and no big deal, I could get it done later. I agreed and took his word for it.
Big mistake.
The more I think about it, the more pointless this surgery has been. My mouth is still uncomfortably small. I still can't have a proper posture because it obstructs my breathing to do so. I still feel like I'm choking on my own tongue. My bite is correct and my smile is no longer gummy, but nothing else has changed.
And the most important thing, I look the same from the side. I've been crying since day 5 because it has become clear that no amount of a reduction in swelling is going to make my chin bone grow. It still points down, it still sits a good half inch back from where it needs to be. I've been sitting here on a liquid diet, now onto soft foods but no chewing, getting severe tmj pain I didn't have before . . . and didn't even get the results I wanted. I had a horrible time in the hospital because the medications were making me sick and I couldn't sleep. After day 3 it was okay, but recovery is that much harder knowing you don't even look or feel better. At first it was just my chin that was the problem, but the more I assess how things feel, the more depressed I become because I continue to live in discomfort. All that . . . for no meaningful benefit.
I cried at my 2-week checkup with my surgeon when I saw my x-rays because I could see little difference. When I expressed my disappointment with regards to my chin, my surgeon had no compassion and was so focussed on the "great" job he had done with my bite and told me to stop being so bummed out. "All this over your chin?" Wow . . . He said he had no regrets and my chin measured fine, he didn't want to give me a chin that was too strong; apparently, the size is all that matters, not the location relative to the rest of your face.
To his credit, he did offer to fix my chin free of charge, but who wants to get a second surgery that could have been avoided if their surgeon had understood facial proportions? Who wants to get a second surgery from someone who insists you don't need it? And now the more I think about it, the more I feel I'll need my jaws done again if I want to be comfortable, able to breathe, and avoid a relapse with my open bite. I'm going to be asking my orthodontist (who does some of my post-op checks) later this week if I can speak to another surgeon for a second opinion.
Anyway, that's all for now.