44 Yr Old Mom/lost 85 Lbs/TT/BL/BA - San Diego, CA

Was scheduled for this surgery back in July -- but found out during pre-op appt that I was severely anemic! Have been taking Blood Builder iron supplements religiously (the best, btw!), and have finally been cleared. Am scheduled for Oct. 30th. Imagine how much I can scare the kids when they come trick o' treating on Halloween!!

Anyway - filled with so much anxiety that I literally get sick to my stomach thinking about it. I've had plenty of successful surgeries (5 knee operations, gastric bypass...hell...even tonsils out!) - but this one is scaring the crap out of me. I think it's the fact that I'm scared of the pain -- especially if it FEELS any where CLOSE to what it looks like!! I'm also racked with guilt -- as I have two beautiful, healthy children and a supportive husband who loves me just the way I am, and I can't believe I'm putting my life in danger (and potentially ruining theirs) because I'm uncomfortable. I would take a bullet to the head for either of them...and the fact that I'm CHOOSING to put my life in jeopardy is simply rocking my world (in fact, I'm crying as I write this). I've just been so uncomfortable for so many years (I had the stomach apron by age 12 -- even though I wasn't obese at that time) and have dreamed about this my entire life. My breasts literally grew in like long sausages...so I'm not "dreaming of getting my old figure back" -- I'm dreaming about for once in my life, not being humiliated in my body. Being able to answer the door without a bra on...being able to wear a summer dress in 90 degree weather without full body spanx...being able not to be the only one at the beach in a strapless beach cover-up who "just doesn't feel like swimming today," as I sweat my ass off. I know I won't look perfect -- but the thought of not having an inch deep indentation on my shoulders from my ("thick and supportive") bra straps is liberating to me. Also - in high school - I was told that I look like I swallowed a tire. I don't really care what people say or think about me (especially some high school jackass!) -- but what sucked is that I totally agreed with them...and there was nothing (non-surgical) I could do about it (even when I was in shape). I'm now 5'10 and 165...and still only feel truly comfortable around the house in a modern day version of a muumuu...with no one home (even my family). My bra hurts (and yes - fitted at Nordstroms many times), my underwear hurts (from huge granny panties to g-string -- I've tried them all!)...and I'm constantly pulling at my clothes -- either trying to loosen them where they are too tight (around tummy, sleeves, etc.) -- or untucking baggy ones from my unfortunate "creases" (tummy roll, thigh climb, etc.).

I had my friggin guts cut up and moved around...and didn't feel 1/4 of the fear I feel with this one. I have everything lined up....flying my mom in for 2 weeks...getting my kids out of the house for the first week (staying with friends) so they don't get scared (son is 10 and daughter is 6)...hiring a nurse for the first night in hotel across from surgical center...have a comfy adjustable bed...no problems at ALL with pain meds...just fear.

Anyway - appreciate everyone's candor and openness SO much on this site -- especially the pictures....so thank you for sharing something so utterly private with us randoms :).

Here goes...exactly 30 days til surgery....if I had any doubts...posting these removed them!

Now I understand what my 6 year old daughter meant when she said my ass looked "crumbley."