Can't Wait for This Weight to Be Lifted...
Even though I've spent the last few months of my...
Even though I've spent the last few months of my life looking at boobs, before and after photos of boobs, scars on boobs, sizes of boobs, old boobs, young boobs, no boobs, new boobs... I still feel like boobs are such a taboo subject. So I'm going to get past this right now. Call them what you will; breasts, boobs, boobies, [RS bleep], tatas, milkjugs, bee stings... women have got 'em and always have had them. Men do not (with the exception of the man-boob). They do serve a purpose and I would never want to have NO boobs... they're an important part of a woman's body, her figure, her self confidence, her identity.
I'm just sick of feeling like my BOOBS DEFINE ME. Anyone else have this feeling? Like, I'm always the girl at the party with the huge knockers. I get the cat calls, the whistles, the comments. I choose my activities and my wardrobe based on my chest size. Since when did my boobs OWN me, control MY life!? I'm taking my life (and my body) back!
I've been nervous to share my story... like, maybe someone somewhere out there will recognize my story, or my pictures... and will know it's me. And you know what, I really just don't care anymore. I've kind of been a creeper on this site for a while, and it's the stories, photos, experiences and comments that helped me make the decision to TAKE BACK my life, so the least I can do is share my story so maybe someone... somewhere out there... can find in my story what I found in everyone else's - hope and courage.
A little background (without too many details): I'm 27, 5'4" and about 170 lbs. I work in the financial industry and own a house with my amazing boyfriend and share it with two ridiculous fur-babies. I like crafting, reading, yoga and treasure hunting at the local flea market.
My story:
I was always a pretty busty girl. I was the first of my friends when we were younger to "grow a set"... and that was noticed, FAST... by almost every boy in my school. I think the strapless bra I bought for my prom dress ten years ago was a C or D and I thought I was busty THEN... (what I wouldn't give to go back to THEN). I was always self conscious of my chest size. I was never really active because I just felt so damned uncomfortable in my own skin. After I graduated high school, I travelled a bit and worked abroad. I battled with weight, up and down, up and down (I am a lover of all things sweet) and my boobs just grew. And when I lost weight, it was never from there. And when I gained weight, it went there. Repeat. Repeat.
I always wore whatever bra I could find at La Senza or wherever that could even REMOTELY hold me together and looked alright under a shirt. I had side boob, I had boob spillage (over and under) - I had it all. A few years ago, my also large-chested friend convinced me to go for a PROPER bra fitting at a specialty store where I found, much to my dismay, that I was not indeed a DD or DDD or E but in fact (depending on the bra) a G or H. I didn't know the letters of the bra-alphabet went that far. But I bought a FITTED bra and it did make a WORLD of difference to my back. Because my back, for my age, is WRECKED. Chiro. Massage. Physio. Ibuprofin. Headaches, headaches. More headaches. More massage, more chiro. Oh, the joys of big boobs.
I've been considering a reduction for a long, let me tell you a LONG time. Originally my family doctor wouldn't give me the green light because I wasn't done growing. Then it was because I was (and am) considered overweight and she wanted me to try and lose 10-15 lbs and see how that affected my boobs. Well let me tell you, it didn't make them SMALLER, it just made them HOLLOWER and SAGGIER. Super attractive qualities on a young woman. Eventually, I just kind of gave up.
I am typing a lot... where did this explosion of words come from!?
Anyways, in November of 2012 I started thinking about it again. I was fed up. My doctor had finally approved me for a reduction in August and sent in the referral...but in B.C., once you're approved, the waiting list for a reduction is (on average) 4 years. I just decided one day that I didn't want to wait. So I made a list of all of the things holding me back from making this decision. Money. Fear. Scarring.
So I researched local surgeons. I called the surgeon's office and got a cost estimate for out-of-pocket (non-government funded). I went to my bank to see if they could make something work - if I could somehow finance it. If I drained EVERY SINGLE PENNY of my hard-earned savings, I could almost afford it, but I wanted to see if I could take out a loan. Bank approved the amount. I discussed what I was wanting to do with my boss - she totally supported my decision and said she would get all of the necessary paperwork lined up for my time away from work. I called the surgeon's office and booked a consult. The surgeon I chose was the result of hours of research, patient testimonials, and a recommendation from a friend of mine who'd had the same procedure completed by him.
The date of my consult was in early January 2013. I met with him, we discussed the risks, the procedure, the healing, etc. etc. He was totally professional and wonderful. We discussed what my goals were, if I am planning to start a family in the next few years, the risk of not being able to breastfeed, the risk of my breasts growing back during a pregnancy, etc. He answered all of my questions. I booked my surgery for March 4, 2013.
I had my pre-operative appt on February 19th. I met with the nurse, we reviewed medications, went over a checklist, what I need to get ready, what I should expect, etc. To be honest, I think I've been ready for this surgery for the last 8 years. I just needed to get past those things that were holding me back. Yes, I'm spending a lot of money, but you know what, it's just money. I can afford the loan I took, I can probably even pay it back quicker than it's scheduled to be paid off. I can absolutely pay it back faster than the FOUR YEARS I would have to wait to get it paid for by the Government.
My surgery is Monday morning at 7:30 A.M. All kinds of emotions are coursing through me. I'm nervous, yeah. I'm not much for pain, in fact, I may be the crankiest b!tch on the planet when I'm in pain. But I KNOW that the pain, the soreness, the swelling, the bruises, the bleeding, the oozing... all of those lovely things that come with... will be TOTALLY worth it. I'm excited. I'm excited to take back my life and my body. I'm excited to be able to buy a sports bra; to go for a hike, to run on a treadmill. I'm excited to be able to buy a bathing suit that doesn't KILL my neck... to spend a day out on the boat in the sunshine and not constantly be readjusting! I'm excited for the way my clothes are going to feel. For the weight (literally) that's going to be lifted. For the freedom.
Surgeon says I will probably go from a G/H cup to a C/D. I told him I'd rather him go on the smaller side in case they grow back a bit. I just know that anything will be better than these monsters I am carrying now.
Surgery is in less than 48 hours. Tomorrow I will spend most of the day getting ready... getting bedding/clothing/etc. organized. Cutting up snacks and making sure things I need will be accessible without reaching/lifting. Then, just (trying to) relax and wait. The wait's almost over.
Okay... so it's been about 24 hours since coming...
Didn't sleep a wink Sunday night.. kept tossing and turning... thinking and rethinking... to be honest, I was thinking "this is my last night trying to sleep with big boobs"... "I wonder what that new shirt I bought will look like with smaller boobs"... silly thoughts like this.
Got up early (surgery was at 7:30) and had a shower with the spectrojel like they requested. No lotion, makeup, hairspray, etc. Put my hair in a braid to get it out of my face. Wore my loosest and most comfy PJ pants and a tank top/shirt (just until surgery) and a zip up sweater (not a tight one). Boyfriend and I drove down to the clinic. My surgery was performed at the Okanagan Health Center - there are five surgeons with offices in that building, it's the same place I went for my consultation as well as my pre-operative appointment. Half of the floor is the surgeon's offices/consult rooms/etc. and the other half is the Surgical Center. The hospital is about 2 minutes away if need be.
We arrived at the Surgical Center and were taken into a small room by an RN, the nicest nurse I'd dealt with during my experience. She instructed me to change into a gown and provided a robe to go over top (to cover any "gaps" in the back). Once I was changed, all of my things (clothes, purse, post-surgical bras, shoes, etc.) were put into a rubbermaid tub with my name on it. The nurse went through all of my forms, confirmed my name, birth date, the surgery I was having, an allergies, etc. Did some "teaching" - how to relax before the anesthesia, how I'd feel coming out of it, what to do later that day when I got home, when to take my medication, how to sleep comfortably, not to move my arms ("pretend you have flippers and your elbows are glued to your sides"), when to take off the tensor bandages, when I can shower, what to look for to identify hematoma, infection, etc. When she left, the anesthesiologist came in, reviewed the same information, asked if I had any family history of trouble with anesthesia, allergies, etc. Then the OR nurse came in - same questions. Then the surgeon came in. We discussed again what my goals were - smaller, more manageable size in general but proportionate for my body, lifted and improved shape, and some lipo around the underarm area (side boob) to improve end result as well. He literally took out a sharpie marker and a ruler and started marking. You'd think it would be uncomfortable but he really did make me feel at ease, we even talked a bit while he was making his markings. When I was all marked up, he left and the OR nurse came back in. I put on a hair net/cap and she took me to the operating room.
The operating room wasn't at all what I expected. They had said it would have big windows, floor to ceiling (where I could see out but no one could see in - it's on the 4th floor), lots of light... that I would lay back on a table and I should try and take myself to my "happy place" (Chesterman beach in Tofino, on a warm afternoon, with a salty breeze and a frisbee...) and try to relax as much as possible. The room was not like that. When they brought be in, there were two other OR nurses. I had to tell them in words what procedure I was having done and what my allergies were (penicillin and shellfish). It was awkward - like standing in front of a class as a kid doing show and tell. There were windows, but not floor to ceiling, and there was a table with all of the tools laid out... that kind of freaked me out. In my imagination, I would drift off into Tofino dreamland and once I was out, they would wheel in the lights and the sheets and the monitors and the IV and the tables of shiny tools. So I laid down on this table and they put warm blankets over me. The anesthesiologist poked my left hand to give it some freezing then placed the IV in. I've never done well with needles so I my breathing started to increase and I started to cry a bit (not my proudest moment, but I had a billion emotions coursing through me)... and that was all I remember.
When I started to come out of my anesthesia, my body felt heavy. My eyelids were heavy, my head was heavy. I tried to look around but my head just rolled to the side. There were some nurses there who asked me some questions, I can't really remember what they were. The next thing I was aware of was a burning sensation along the bottom of my breast (I imagine where the incision was). At that time I was only wrapped in the post-op dressing (gauze, etc.). When I was a little more alert, the nurses propped me up and put my post-op sports bra on (closes in the front) then wrapped two tensor bandages around my chest. They kind of just compressed everything and the pain felt more contained. They helped me up and I got to put my PJ pants and sweater back on. I got to sit in a recliner for a bit, ate some crackers and took my first pain pill. Next thing I knew they were putting me in a wheel chair and wheeling me to the elevator, down to the main floor, and helping me into the car for my boyfriend to take me home.
When I got home I was CRANKY. Everything hurt. I cried. I cried a lot. I knew there would be pain, that it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't know what KIND of pain to expect. I've never broken anything, never had stitches, never had surgery (other than wisdom teeth coming out). We made up the spare room so I had my own bed and a billion pillows. I'm not a back sleeper, so sleeping was incredibly difficult. I used pillows under my knees, on the side of my body, in the small of my back, under my arms. I'm sure it was a sight to behold.
I took a second pain pill and managed to drift off for a bit. When I came to, I really had to pee... that was difficult. Pulling up my own pants was challenging (but I managed). I felt a bit better after that. Even played a game of cribbage. Ate some of the cut up veggies and cheese I'd prepared on Sunday afternoon. Iced my sides and under my breasts for 10 minutes every hour. Practiced deep, full breathing as per instruction of my nurse.
Sleeping last night was miserable. I woke up around 2:30 hoping it was morning. Took another pain pill. Under my arms where they did the little bit of lipo hurt the most. Got up and iced. Went back to sleep for a bit, woke up and sat up a bit in bed and read for a while.
Finally got up this morning. Stood up a little too fast and got a bit of a head rush. Need to be more careful about that. Today I am just supposed to spend the day relaxing but I am supposed to get up and walk around a bit, get the blood flowing. Also supposed to stay well hydrated - tons of water. I have a water bottle basically glued to my hand. Speaking of my hand, the one that had the IV has a nasty bump and bruise on it.
One of the nurses from the office called this morning to check in. Told her other than being sore all over and not sleeping, I'm okay. Not noticing that one breast feels heavier or larger than the other (which can be signs of blood pooling inside the breast - leading to a hematoma) or that the tissue at the top of one breast feels harder than the other. She told me for the first few days, it's okay to take the pain meds, not to feel bad or weak for needing them. I think I just have a fear of over medicating.
To be honest, I haven't really had a chance to LOOK at them yet. They are wrapped beneath a million layers. The tensor bandages can come off tonight and I might get a bit better idea, but until the bra and the dressings can come off on Thursday for a shower, I don't really know. I can definitely feel they are lighter. My shoulders don't feel the pull. But my body is in a lot of pain so it's hard to wrap my head around any kind of improvement yet.
I did take some "before" pictures but I'm a little shy to show them. I feel like my boobs look worse in photos than they did in real life. I may gather the courage to post a bathing suit photo in a day or two, and then depending on what the situation is under the tensors and dressing, maybe after I have a shower.
I want to thank everyone who's commented on the wishes of a smooth surgery and relaxing, speedy recovery. I got through the scariest part and now am just focused on taking it a day at a time, relaxing and recovering the best I can.
Replies (3)
Today is the second full day after surgery. Two...
Replies (9)
Replies (5)
Thinking about you this morning and sending hug and happy thoughts your way.
You are going to do wonderful and soon feel so much better. Â Update us as soon as you are able to do so.