So let me tell you my story....
I had my BA in...
So let me tell you my story....
I had my BA in February 2014 and really thought that it was something I wanted/needed/deserved after breastfeeding my 4 kids and getting to a point in my life where it was possible for me to fulfil my 'dream' of getting the boobs I'd always wanted. I should have listened to myself and the silent alarm bells that were ringing leading up to the operation - I wasn't excited, more nervous, I was having nightmares about the operation and i even told my husband - but we both put it down to pre-op nerves and pushed it to the back of my mind.
I had 295cc silicone partial unders and the result looks perfect - they look natural and fit my frame (I'm 130lbs and 5'4 tall) and I couldn't have asked for a better aesthetic result.
After I woke up from my BA I cried - in fact I cried for about 3 months because of how the new boobs felt, how they made me feel, how worried I'd suddenly become about the potential health issues that could happen because of the silicone implants (I had a modest 295cc and went from a UK A cup to a C cup) , and how they just felt so heavy and so alien in my body. Then there was the issue of the numbness. To be fair, my left boob is 100% back to normal sensation, my right boob there is still 1/3 numb
ah, the right boob - this has been the major source of pain and discomfort for me over the last 10 months or so and doesn't seem to get any better with each passing day. At my 3 month check up with my PS he told me that it was down to nerve regeneration and that I'd feel better both physically and emotionally sooner rather than later, and while I do feel less emotional about the implants, physically I am just so tired of the pain. It's a pain that aches my right boob, it hurts when I lay down, it hurts when I work out at the gym.....not constantly but I have noticed it more and more and to be honest I don't want this any more
At my 3 month check my PS was great - he listened and we talked about how I felt as well as the physical recovery, and his advice was to return Towards the end of this year and we would review and discuss how things were going and what our next plan of action would be.
So here I am, feeling tired of the ill health and the stress and the discomfort and the pain - I have developed IBS and frequently get back and neck pain since getting the implants. I called my Ps 3 weeks ago and scheduled an appointment for January 14th.
I think my best option is to have an explant, and as I'd have had them for about a year I'm hoping that I might be lucky and return to how I was before the BA. I honestly don't care for these toxic bags to be in me for any longer and my husband is totally supporting me in this decision. (Although he does love the boobs, he loves me more!)
I feel a little bit scared about what the outcome will be, and I'm worried that I'll still be left with the pain and numbness - has anyone had any experience of these things going after explant?
I think the one thing that is spurring me on is that I will then be in control of my health, I won't have to have any more elective surgery, I will be able to concentrate on the things that matter - my kids, my family, my hobbies- I will be able to exercise without feeling top heavy (still feels weird when I run!) and I will just be me again...flat chested but with the body that carried and nurtured my four amazing children and I guess that's enough. I just need to courage to go through with booking the explant and then doing it.....
A heart to heart with my hubby
Last night I had a heart to heart with my husband and asked him how he really felt about the removal ( if that's what I decided to do) and he said that although from a mans perspective they are perfect and that they fit my frame perfectly, he loved my boobs before the op and would love them after too....ultimately he said that he wants me to go in to the consultation with an open mind because he's worried that as I wanted them for so long, that once I have them taken out I will wish I hadn't had the explant and that I will go back to being self conscious about my lack of boobs. He said that I am more confident now because of the boobs and I guess he is right as I have to acknowledge how I felt before the BA and the reasons I opted for the operation in the first place. He said the BA was my choice and if I want to have an explant, that too is my choice and he will support me 100% and understands why I would want to have it. I feel very lucky to have a husband who helps me have a rounded view of things and who knows I will do what makes me happy and loves me because of it! I need to makes this decision myself though.....
The next few weeks are going to be a time for me to contemplate things and to really look at the impact they have had on my health - physical and emotional - because one thing I am sure of is that I have never had a more troublesome year when it comes to these things, and surely that's not a coincidence ?!
I will try to upload photos soon.
Illness caused by implants???
This past week I have been having horrible dizzy episodes and a couple of times I've had a tingling feeling in my right arm - and the pain in my right boob/chest muscle is now almost constant .....so I am wondering if this is yet another reason to explant! I feel certain that when I meet with my ps in 10 days time that I will ask for explant asap as I just want to feel well again. Also, I've noticed that I always check to make sure my boobs don't look to big in the clothes that I wear which in my mind is me subconsciously knowing that these implants aren't really me and don't fit with how I know I should look. A part of me is quite excited to go back to how I was pre-BA.... It'll be easier to run, nicer to hug my kids, and definitely a lot better with regards to sleeping !!!!!
I have looked at so many explant reviews and photos that it has boosted me up a bit to know that whatever happens and whTever my boobs look like after explant I will have been true to myself and will be confident enough in who I am not to need bigger breasts to look good or to be good enough! The thought of just one surgery and then no more worry or expense of further surgeries in years to come is also great. Also it's good to know that I'm not alone and the support from this site is fantastic.
I can't wait to get back to me in 2015 and to be healthy again
Is it normal to feel like this?
I've been having a strange time of it lately in that I keep changing my mind about what I want to do and have a ton of questions swirling round my head ... do I explant or not? Will it make a difference if I want to wait longer to explant ? am I considering explanting for all the right reasons? Am I considering keeping the implants for all the right reasons? Will I bounce back as I've only had them for a year and they're only relatively small implants (295cc) ? Will the pain worsen if I leave them in? Will My breast tissue be reduced because ive had implants (i was à uk 34a/b pre BA) Will it get better if I explant??? All of these and a million more!
I keep trying to be rational and think about everything in a measured way but the closer I get to my consult with the ps on wednesday the more anxious I feel. In some ways I am hoping that he says that I need to remove the implants to stop the painful chest muscle/ implant on the right breast so that the decision is made for me. Feeling a bit rubbish and full of doubts right now as I just want to make the right decision for me :-(
Consult with Ps...mixed feelings
Yesterday I had my consult with by dr about the problems I've been having with my right boob/sleep issues etc. we talked and also discussed things extensively and ultimately there are a number if options available to me:
1. Have an MRI to check what's going on with the boob and make sure there's no damage to the implant
2. Take a watch and wait approach as he thinks as it's muscular it could resolve on it's own (but unlikely to at this stage) as he believes it could be where the capsule (scar tissue) has attached to the chest muscle and is being irritated or tugged when I'm active...
3. If things don't settle down have surgery to release the muscle/scar tissue = relieving the pain
4. If I feel it's something I can live a normal life with and doesn't bother me too much, do nothing (but again, he doesn't feel this would be right as I have young children and want to live my active life still without painful boob & shoulder )
5. Remove the implant and that will resolve the problem as the muscle won't be stretched out as implant won't be there any more and capsule should be thin as I've not even had them for 1 year.
I left the office feeling very calm and felt he had been honest with me about what my options were...my sweet husband said to the dr that given the choice between me having larger breasts with implants and unable to live normally and in pain or me having smaller breast and being pain free he'd choose the latter...the dr agreed that it was a no brainer and that he's do all he could to help me but he wanted me to think out my options and then make a further appointment to see him if it doesn't improve or if I am 100% sure as to what I'd like to do. So until this point all is good!
Here's the kicker though - I needed to go and get updated photos for my file and while I was there I asked them to put comparison photos up for me for pre and post BA .....,and darn it, I really like the way these boobs look! I had forgotten how I looked before and it made me think of all the reasons I did this in the first place!
Last night I cried a lot and felt so sad. I cried because I did this in the first place. I cried because of the problems I have had with them. I cried because i felt I wasn't good enough before. I cried because looking at my photos made me feel so confused and I cried because of how much emotional and physical energy this has cost me. I cried because if how vain I was being and because of the money I'll have wasted! And I cried for a million other reasons too :-(
My lovely hubby just listened and held me. He told me I was more than just my boobs that they don't define who I am and that I do t need a c cup to be beautiful. He told me he loved my body before he loves it now and he'll love it if I explant too because he is in love with ME and the body that gave him four beautiful children. He told me to take a deep breath and take time to think and when I knew 200% what was right for me, he'd be right by my side supporting me.
Feeling a mixture of emotions right now, but I am glad I am not rushing myself into making the wrong decision (I wanted to get it done before the 1 yr mark as it would have been free- hubby said don't worry about cost, he will pay for explant if I want, just make sure I'm certain either way as he just wants me to be happy)
I've got a LOT of thinking to do....any words of wisdom much appreciated lovely ladies x
Anyone gone back to a UK A cup size after explant ?
I know a lot of you have explanted and have been happy with the results, but I was wondering if any of you have explanted who had very little breast tissue of your own prior to BA AND went back to the same size and we're happy after? I only ask because I see a lot of women who explant, but who are already a UK b cup or more to begin with so are still left with a reasonable amount of boob after taking the implant out. Feeling kinda bummed that I might have even less than I had prior to BA (have heard that this can happen?) as I was only a large a cup to start with (currently a full c cup with 295cc partial undersea placed a year ago) ?
Pre ba photo
This is pretty close to what I looked like pre ba
Apologies in advance if this is a bit all over the place - it kinda reflects where my heads at right now!
I have been feeling a lot calmer and clear headed about things the last few days and thought I'd finally made a decision as to what I wanted to do....until today when I decided that it would be a BRILLIANT idea to check out all the implant removal reviews where they say it's not worth it. I thought it would make sense to get a rounded view and see the good the bad and the ugly.
WOW. JUST WOW.
I am literally scared senseless now having read the reviews and seen the photos and am really worried about how having these implants the last year may have wrecked my boobs or any chance of returning to something close to what I was pre BA :-( I've only had them for almost a year and am so so so scared that I'm back to square one with the whole do I or don't I dilemma ? But then the sensible part of my brain seems to kick in and I have to remind myself that the longer I leave them in, the less chance of a favour able outcome when I do explant! I then think if the pain and the stress and of how trivial and vain this must seem to some of you brave ladies who have had to endure so much on your explant journey.
I keep praying that I will feel some inner peace long enough to book another consult with my ps (planning on calling next week to make an appointment to discuss explant).
Oh and I keep having the 'what the hell was I thinking when I decided to get two lumps of plastic inserted into me all in the name of so called beauty!!' thought.
I think this weekend will be decision time in all honesty as I really can't see myself staying sane if I have this swirling round my head for much longer lol!
Cost & Bras
So I checked and it will cost €2500 for an explant - I guess that's about average really so no big surprise! When I was thinking about it I'd have spent €6,700 on boobs this last year - an expensive lesson to learn but as long as I'm happy and healthy that's the main thing right?!
On a separate note, I went to look at new bras 34a/b and they do some amazing ones in H&M.( I don't think I'll look any different in clothes with some of the padded bras they have in there lol). Some lovely padded sports bras too so won't feel fully flat after the explant which lifted my spirits no end! Still feeling like it's the right choice but lacking the courage to make the call.....
After a fairly rubbish week pain wise and with insomnia becoming a frequent visitor due to my indecisiveness, I finally decided to make the call and book a consult with my PS. He will call me in a few days and hopefully he will understand that I've just about reached my limit with the pain and discomfort and will agree to remove the implants. When I was thinking about it a thought occurred to me - I always said that I'd remove them after 10 years of having them, so subconsciously I think I always knew they were never a long term look and maybe that's why I feel kinda relieved that I dont have to wait 10 years to take action.
I'm also acutely aware that it feels bittersweet - I Really Love the way the boobs look (I got them to look better as I'm sure we all did!) , and if I'm honest I wish I'd been blessed with natural boobs that were this full and this size.....but i haven't, I have a cups/small bs which I am sure are going to look shocking after explant, but I really don't think I can tolerate the implants any longer. The negative impact on my life is just too much - I hurt both physically and emotionally. I'm also not sure I'm ready for another roller coaster ride of emotions that I'm sure will come with Explant, but it's a ride I have to go on if i want to be pain free.
Definitely a double edged bittersweet sword :-(
The hope I'm holding onto is that the implants aren't huge (295cc), they've been in for only a year, I'm 38 with good skin elasticity , and hopefully I will return to what I looked like pre BA. I have to have this hope otherwise I don't think I'd go through with it. Scared doesn't even come close and I haven't even spoken to my ps yet or booked a definitive explant date !
Yikes it's going to be a looooong 5 days :-(
Fluffing.....is it true or just a myth?
I have been thinking a lot about fluffing today and have been trying to do a bit Of research and there is a lot of conflicting information about a) whether boobs really do fluff up/fill out after Explant b) if there is fluffing, how long this process takes to both start and finish and c) if the fluffing is really just because of weight gain and other factors that have changed the boobs from what they were before implants. If anyone has any experience here I'd be really grateful to hear about it - I just want to give myself realistic expectations for explant and recovery / final boob size and result.
It seems that most plastic surgeons say that there is no such thing as fluffing, but a lot of the ladies who have explanted have indeed fluffed after a week/two weeks right up to a year post explant! So confusing......
The other thing that I'm curious about is is it usual to be smaller after explant if there are no complications and its a straight forward removal? I've only had mine for a year or so, they're only 295cc and am seriously freaking out that I'll end up with smaller flatter boobs after I explant. I also have seen that it makes a huge difference if you've already got a lot of natural breast tissue (I dont!) :-(
Trying to be very practical about what is reasonable to expect in terms of fluffing, post explant size and how long it might take me to get back to my pre BA size (if that's even possible!)
Any and all opinions and experiences gratefully received ladies .
What a waste of time
The title says it all really. Consult basically told me that I need to have an MRI to rule out any problems or to try and help him see what's going on before we take any further steps. Oh, I was also told to rest my right hand/arm/pec muscle as he thinks it's cc (or the beginnings of it?) and that it could still settle down. Like any rest is possible when you've got a house to run and 4 kids to look after :-(
I left feeling very tearful, a bit cross and ever so frustrated as it feels like I'm no further along my journey to being pain free and functioning at full level. Don't feel like I'm ever going to get this resolved :(
So, my hubby - being mr calm and rational - when I came home and explained the ins and outs of the consult, said that he will book the MRI in the morning. And then we can take the next step. And then the next one.
Gosh, I'm gonna be so happy when this ordeal is finally over!
I'm actually looking forward to being able to go to my next appoint and giving them the MRI results in one hand and then telling them point blank that I just want an explant ASAP.
At least I know that I want them out without a question now, because I really don't care if I end up flat after explant, because I will be healthy and pain free.
Not feeling particularly positive or happy right now, but I guess in the big scheme of things that an extra few weeks won't make that much difference will it?
What a difference a day can make
Having had a rubbish ps appointment yesterday I am feeling good today. It's amazing what a difference a few hours can make! I have a new found determination AND confidence to call and make the appointment for the explant. The reason the dr wanted me to have the MRI was to try and determine the cause of my pain, but as one of the ladies on here pointed out to me, if you want to have an explant anyway then there's really no need to find out if there's something wrong with the implant (and it won't pick up cc on the MRI?) because i want to take them out anyways. Today is the day that I tAke control back from the dr over what happens to my body! Today is the day that i say in no uncertain words that I definitely want the explant and I want to do it ASAP....please!
I really feel happy with this decision and now I cannot wait to be implant free, and well, just free really. Free from the worry of complications from the implants, free from the worry of further expense and free from the worry of further surgeries. I honestly can't wait to get an explant date.
For anyone struggling like I have over the last few months and weeks wondering if you are making the right choice by either keeping the implants or explanting them, all i can say is that when you make the right choice for YOU , you will just know (despite what anyone else says). For me I feel total peace with my decision to explant.....and that alone is worth getting to this point on my journey.
Consult booked......gonna be a long wait!
I've booked a consult regarding Explant with my ps, but because he's such a good surgeon he does have a bit of a waiting list (7 weeks to be exact!).... I will be seeing him on 3/31/15 and will be hoping to have explant within 2-3 weeks of consult. So feeling a little bit gutted that I have to wait so long, but once again hubby's wisdom has made me feel ok about the long wait. I will be in a position in 7 weeks where I can (hopefully) tell him I'm still pain and problem free - not had any pains since the consult last week, how bizarre is that?! - and honestly tell him that I have had enough of the drama that the implants have brought to my life over the last year, so just want them taken out so I can get on with my life.
I'm going to use the next seven weeks to really do lots of walking and get my nutrition in order so that I'm healthy and healing from the inside before I explant, and hopefully lose some of the extra weight that I've gained over the last year (I have about 10-12lbs to lose) so that my tummy isn't bigger than my boobs when I explant lol!
I'm feeling really positive and good about everything and still want to explant, it's just taking longer than I wanted, but I will get there and a few extra weeks doesn't make too much of a difference in the big scheme of things - I will still only have had the implants for 13 months or so when I explant, so I still have that in my favor. Staying positive before and after explant is so important and I feel it really helps me with healing physically and emotionally.
Why why why?!?!
Yesterday I managed to get a consult with my ps about explant. It did not go well, and to cut a long story short I saw 2 surgeons (one of whom is a breast cancer reconstruction specialist and who has implsnts herself) and they asked me "if you could be free from the pain, would there still be a problem?" And my honest answer (wish I'd lied now lol!) was "no, there wouldn't be a problem and I probably wouldn't be sitting here". This is where, despite me saying 3 or 4 times that I'd had enough and just wanted out because I was fed up with the drama and dealing with the problems that having implants bring, they convinced me to have an MRI AND physio and other physio exercises at home - and said they'd see me in 3 months in order to give the exercises a chance to stretch the muscle (which they are convinced is the problem). I was also told that I'd be left with less boob than I had before BA (even though it's only been a year) as the breast is stretched out over a wider area - so will likely be less with empty pockets ! What the heck!!!!!
Now between agreeing to give it a go and being railroaded into imagining the horror show that my boobs will resemble after Explant I felt I didn't have much choice. I felt so so so sad when I got home. Deep down I just don't want them, but the ps seemed convinced id regret explant and made me believe that too.
I'm living in limbo at the moment. Going to book the MRI just to put my mind at rest and then come what may I will be booking explant and won't be convinced other wise. They said they could do the explant and it would be a very simple 20 minute procedure, but I need to explore all other options for trying to resolve the pain issue.
Feeling truly awful right now - and also like a bit of a coward for letting the fear factor of what they were saying to me get to me. I was feeling really positive, but now not so much :(
Loving yourself a little more
It's been a few days now since my consult with the ps and I can honestly say hand on heart that I am at peace with my decision to wait a couple more months to explant. I have so many crazy things going on in my life right now that in some ways giving myself the extra time kinda feels good and takes the pressure off a bit to do this right now. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am still going to be explanting in May and I'm staying decided on that one so I know it really is the right choice for me, but I'm glad that I have a couple of months to get my head straight before then. The whole anxiety seems to have lifted (and the pains and aches are almost gone too which is quite bizarre - but they are still enough that I notice them) and I feel like for the first time since November I'm not obsessing about getting the implants out ASAP....I felt like it was taking over my every waking thought and was also causing me to have insomnia. Calm and peaceful now and it feels so good.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I realise now that I really don't care what anyone else thinks about my decision - I'm the one who has to live with the results and I'm ok if I end up smaller than I was before because I will have peace of mind knowing that I am healthy and that's priceless.
I've also realised that I just need to love myself a little bit more. Not in a vain way but by being kinder to myself about this whole implant ordeal, by accepting and knowing that I was enough before implants and I sure as hell will be enough after explant- I'm perfectly imperfect and that feels pretty good to know. I was always good enough i just didn't realise it until after I got implants! I had a good look in the mirror today and instead of focussing on things that aren't so good I tried looking at all the good things about me instead - I highly recommend each of you ladies do the same....you'll surprise yourself with just how amazing you really are and just how little boob size really matters!!!! I also tried to see myself from my kids perspective: they just want a healthy and happy mommy who loves them unconditionally and does fun things with them - we are all beautiful to those who love us: again, boob size really doesn't even come into the picture at All! What I'm trying to say to you lovely ladies is that we need to love ourselves a little bit more & I'm sure we will all feel that much more at peace with whatever we decide. :-)
I'm hoping this positivity lasts - otherwise it'll be a long 11 weeks lol!
This time last year
This time last year I'd just woken up from having my BA and I couldn't stop crying from both the pain and nausea as well as the sense of dread and regret that I already felt. While the pain and other physical symptoms have all but gone, the regret and a sense of losing myself has remained this last year.
This is why I'm still going to explant. I want to feel like me again pure and simple. I have been through a tortuous year emotionally - depression is a very real consequence of my BA despite having the figure I *thought* I always wanted......turns out I quite like being flat chested - go figure!
And so my journey is not yet over. But it will be over within the next couple of months - and then I can be me again! Seeing a friend having her explant today just fuels my desire to explant even more and it gives me the courage to stay true to myself when I find myself thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to keep the boobs for just one more summer - and helps me to know that I need to do this sooner rather than later.
Thank you realself ladies for accompanying me on my return to being me x
Playing the waiting game
Has anyone else waited a few months between deciding 100% on explant and the actual operation? Feels like as I know I want them out I should be arranging to do it ASAP - but I'm really not bothered about waiting a couple more months. Anyone else similar?
Will waiting a few months make a difference?!
So here's the thing, I want to have my implants out and am 100% sure about this. I've ridden the roller coaster of emotions over the last year because of the implants
Which have ranged from:
I hate my implants
I love the way they look
I hate the way they feel inside
I hate the way they make me feel so fake and untrue to myself
I love they way they look in lingerie
I love the way they look in a bathing suit
I hate how I get niggling pains and aches
Anger at myself for being so bloody stupid for getting the BA in the first place
Wondering what it'd be like if I just left them in and tried to get on with life with implants
......I could go on,but you get the general idea of the internal struggle I've been having for the last year. It's been exhausting in all honesty!
However, I know that unless I remove the implants that this will continue to be an issue of asking the same questions to myself over and over again until I do remove them - which us why I've decided to explant. And I feel happy about that choice I really do. It just makes sense to me.
The thing I struggling with right now is that I wish I'd demanded an explant date back in February when I last saw my ps and not agreed to trying some bloody stupid physio exercises to try and help with my problem righty when I knew then that I just want them out! So frustrating as I really want to just get them out now!
The question I have though is will it make any difference to my final outcome if I did wait until May (assuming my ps has an available date in May - otherwise I'm looking at June) to get my explant ? I made the decision and have stayed with the decision to explant a month ago so it just feels silly to wait when I know what I want but I don't feel like I have a choice other than to wait.
I would have it done earlier but I have so much going on with my business at the moment and my hubby's job is uncertain right now so I don't want to add any additional stress into an already stressful life....also don't want to spend the money on my op when I might need it for other things over the coming month or two. In a few months I will be in a better position financially and work stress will be a lot less then so that's another reason I'm waiting to explant.........just wish it was over already as it's getting me down despite trying to stay positive :(
Weight issues -oh, and a last consult for explant!
This may seem like a daft question, but did anyone find that they gain weight after getting their BA? I seem to have steadily gained about 7-8 pounds over the past year since getting my implants and I am finding it almost impossible to shift....am hoping that once I Explant I will find this easier as the only explanation I can come up with is that my body is constantly having to fight against the foreign object that are in my body - the silicon implants --and this is also having a knock on effect for my metabolism etc. any ideas? I'm baffled because I am fairly active, but I had a good look at myself this morning after I showered and not only do my boobs look huge with the implants, but I look huge all over! I honestly hope I can go back to feeling slim after explant and losing the extra pounds I have gained over the last year!
On a positive note, I have an appointment booked with my ps for the end of next month but am on a list for a cancellation appointment so hopefully I will see him in the next few weeks to book my explant! It's finally going to happen and I cannot wait. I will post an update when I've seen my ps and I have an actual explant date. Makes me feel even more motivated to lose this extra weight before I explant. Looking forward to feeling healthy again. I really hope that I am able to explain in no uncertain terms that I just want to take the implants out, that I know I will look different to before my BA, and that I just want to go back to being me again even though I have not got any more pain issue (these have resolved 100%), nor do I have any other issues because Of the implants. The only issue I have is that I can't run as comfortably as I once did and that sleeping us still not very comfortable because Of the implants. Oh, and also that I just want to feel like me again! Really hoping he is understanding and can see that I won't be persuaded to keep the boobs! The mad thing is that Im not worried about the op or what I look likes afterwards, I'm more worried about the consult......
does it matter what anyone else thinks?
Sorry if this comes out a bit like a ramble, but just trying to get thoughts down as they come to me....here goes!
Today I had a very honest conversation with my mother about where I'm at in terms of emotional progress and decision over my implants. I explained that I am going to make the best decision for me and that I'm fine with being flat chested as i realize that implants, quite simply, aren't for me. I'm not in any pain or discomfort from them, but I just don't feel like me and I am not willing to compromise my health for the sake of bigger boobs. I don't care if I'm a b cup or a d cup!
She asked me the usual questions " won't it feel like a waste of money?" - errrm, no it won't. I won't ever have to wonder what I'd look like with implants and I would never have appreciated my health and my God given body if I hadn't been on this journey if I hadn't had the BA. I then explained that I would be spending more money in the future anyway because at some point I'd need a revision or a replacement, and by explanting now I had a great chance of returning to around my pre BA shape and size and my skin was still young enough to bounce back. I then said that my sister (who has had implants for the last 12 years) should be thinking about a redo or Explant as well as she has auto immune issues (lupus). My body is in a mild flare up (I have mild psoriasis) & has been since getting implants, and from the research it shows that this is a natural reaction to the implants so I think that speaks volumes about what I need to do to get my body in balance. "But think about it, you will need to wear a bathing suit soon.........." - I actually don't care what I look like in a bathing suit. I don't live in a hot country and I probably need to wear a bathing suit a dozen times a year, if that! My husband isn't bothered, my children don't care and these are really the only people whose opinions matter to me quite frankly. At this point the tone of the conversation changed somewhat. She started telling me that my boobs had done the job they were intended for - nursing my 4 beautiful babies - and that it was good that I didn't Rush in to the decision to explant (I mentioned it within 2 weeks of my BA) and that I was doing it when the time was right for me and my family. We talked about how beautiful a lot of the actresses and models were who had chosen not to conform to the 'norm' of getting a boob job even though they are very flat chested (think Kiera knightly) and that a small chest doesn't make them any less beautiful but that their body confidence actually adds to their beauty.
We talked about how there are more important things to worry about than boob size....and that my running and sport are such a big part of me that if I can't do these things with the same enjoyment because of the implants, and I'm not willing to compromise on this, then I should really explant. We talked about how there are other things to concentrate on and to celebrate all the wonderful things that I have going for me in my life. All in all a positive conversation indeed considering we hadn't talked about it since Christmas and her previous views were for me to just accept my newly acquired boobs and make the adjustment physically and emotionally so it was quite refreshing to see that she can now understand why.
She was quite interested when I told her about Gel bleed and how implants are not lifetime devices - and that my sister who has a number of health issues (which have gotten steadily and progressively worse since getting implants 12 years ago) might benefit by explanting or at least exchanging her implants for new ones (I don't think she will ever explant tbh). I know my explant journey is dragging out a bit, but I'm still on the explant bus and won't get off until my implants are out! I'm looking forward to my consult and to booking my op - more excited than I ever was about getting implants!
Final consult confirmed
Today I confirmed my final consult with my PS. I feel a mixture of emotions: glad that I'm approaching then end of this journey, nervous about everything, but still sure that explanting is the right thing for me to do. When I got off the phone today I was relieved to have the consult confirmed, but also really really nervous about the outcome.
And then I decided to remind myself why I'm even on the explant bus:
Pain/achy right boob, (this comes and goes)
uncomfortable to sleep,
Uncomfortable to exercise,
Auto - immune condition flare
Anxiety over "what-ifs" with the implants (what if they rupture /leak, capsular contracture, etc etcetera )....I'm a born worrier,
Feeling conscious that everyone knows they're fake (even though they look great and very natural)
Stubborn weight gain that I can't shift since getting implants. Plus implants make me look heavier,
Not wanting the worry of having to replace them every 10 years or so,
Aaahhh my mind is all over the place.
But this is the right thing to do. I am young (ish), I haven't had them that long (15 months), they aren't huge implants (295cc), placed partially under the muscle, and therefore I should have a half decent chance of a good outcome.
My hubby said that I HAVE to be sure this is what I want and I have to go into the consult knowing and be confident in my choice. He will support me, but I must be sure as it'll never be sorted if I get to the consult and then get scared by the dr telling me that I will look very different / empty pockets flat chested flat, to the point of going along with their idea to just keep the implants.
Still nervous though. It'll be done before summer.
Right, a bit of a confession - more to myself than anyone else really (this review is my way of looking back on my journey) - I've been having second thoughts about explant. Yes, I know it's a bit late in the day to be having doubts, and yes, I also know that it's perfectly normal to have doubts and worries about Explant....but the thing is, I thought I'd got off the indecision "shall I/shan't i?" Train and was now on the explant cruise. It turns out I was both right and wrong about that one!
Why was I having doubts AGAIN?!?! Well, to be frank, it was because I was having no pain/dramas with the implants any more so I thought that meant I should keep them. But here's the strange thing, as soon as I started being all indecisive my good old righty starts to ache a bit again.....and then I was brought back down to earth with a bump! I was definitely back on the explant path because I was reminded of exactly why I started this journey in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to share this indecision when I see my ps next week (he will only see it as me not knowing what I really want I think ) - I will tell him that I just. Want. My. Implants. Out! I've even been rehearsing a script in my head of what I'm going to say to my ps as I want the appointment to go really well and to come out of the office with an explant date firmly put in the calendar.
So, for anyone who is as indecisive as me - you're not alone! Feel like the waiting for getting an explant date is my biggest hurdle at the moment - as soon as I have that I can start preparing with practical things and I can breathe a bit; feels like I've been holding my breath since I started this journey.
I feel really positive and so at peace with my choice.
I so can't wait to be me again.
Off to my consult
Really really really nervous about my consult - I knows ps will most likely discourage me from explant, and will probably not understand my motivation for explant. This makes me feel like I need to overly explain why I want explant rather than telling him the sole truth : they're just not me. I don't feel like myself with them in. I miss being able to run and sleep comfortably. I worry about problems occurring with the implants. I feel anxious. I have doubts about keeping them and doubts about explanting.....why can't this just be simple!!!!! I so wish that I'd insisted on explant when I saw him in tears this time last year........! I had zero doubts then and the longer I leave it, the harder this becomes! Sorry for the disjointed rant ladies!
Just back from a successful consult with my ps. I was so nervous beforehand, but really there was no need to be. We talked about all my options, my emotional well being and expectations.
To cut a long story short, I should end up pretty similar to what I had before my BA (maybe a slightly different shape, so slightly smaller), I won't look deformed, recovery time is two weeks, and he will do it at a considerably reduced cost: just paying for the anaesthesiologist and a few sutures so way cheaper than I originally thought. He will only do it under general as a rule. I asked him if it made a difference to my outcome if I explanted next week, next month or after the summer - he said no it won't make any difference at all. It's entirely up to me (and his schedule permitting)
When I have it done.....so I am going back to discuss the actual op with my hubby after the kids are back at school after summer break. I know it's not before summer like I originally thought I wanted, but I have to consider my family and my husbands work commitments before I book explant as I want it to be a relaxing recovery time and not a time where I'm stressing out over everything. On the plus side, at least I will be able to save the money and not stress about that aspect of it too.
I really feel like I'm a step closer to completing my boob journey x
...forgot to mention
Hubby has said that if I'm really not happy once the implants are removed (I'm pretty sure I will be, it's all a matter of perspective right?) then if I want, I can have fat transfer....the jury is definitely out on that one as I've decided that if I'm explanting then that'll be me done with elective surgery lol
What the heck! I just got an email from the assistant of my ps staying that she spoke to her manager about cost of implant removal and I've been quoted €3150 - despite the clinic saying on their website that it would cost €2500, and despite my surgeon saying that he would do me a very reduced rate on the stated price. Super cross right now as I honestly think they haven't consulted with the surgeon about his costs being reduced. Uggghhh!!!! I emailed them back asking why they are trying to charge me higher than the stated clinic price on the website and then I will speak to my surgeon about the actual costs involved as ultimately he will decide I guess. Feel like crying right now!
It's been a while!
I haven't updated for a little while - because nothing has happened to update you with. Well, I say nothing has happened but the truth is my kids have been keeping me busy and my hubby's business is going through a bit of a tough time to the extent that we discussed paying for the surgery (or rather how we would pay for it lol!) and we literally cannot afford it at the moment. To say I'm gutted is an understatement to say the least - add a big dose of disappointment and frustration into the mix as well as a chunk of sadness and that's pretty much where I am right now.
I don't mean to come across as self pitying - I know that it will happen and hopefully sooner rather than later! I guess I just need to have faith and work things out another way.... Where there's a will there's a way, right? I have considered asking my mom to loan me the money but my hubby really doesn't want me to have to do this - I, on the other hand am thinking it might be my only option if I want to explant before the end of the year! I can understand his thinking - we don't have any credit cards or any loans and he want to keep it that way - but I know that the longer I have implants, the more anxious I am to have a removal date booked in. I am also aware (and my husband has reminded me of this) that I told my surgeon I would see him after summer vacation - he wanted to see me towards the end of the year, but that ain't gonna happen! - with my hubby to discuss explant procedure and expected outcome for me ( I know that he doesn't have a crystal ball, and that all explant cases are different so it's a bit silly really!).
I find myself reminding my husband with a random 'I'm still
having these things removed you know' or a 'I still don't like them - they're uncomfortable and I don't feel like me' or ' I honestly don't care what I look like after explant - I just want these implants out!' - it's also a reminder to him that it's still something that I think about A LOT even though I don't talk about it all the time or cry because of the implants /my stupidity/ regret at having them still. We had an interesting discussion the other day and I remember saying "you know, I've never really clicked with these boobs. Right from day one I knew they weren't for me - and here we are almost 17 months later and I STILL don't like them. I think my ps thought i would eventually grow to like them and be seduced my the aesthetic rather than think about how lovely it will be to feel comfortable in my own skin again" - hubby's response : " yeah, I know. We will get it fixed ASAP. I am working really hard to get the money so we can make this happen and you can be back to you again". Love this man of mine!
To anyone else that is in the same boat as me - stay strong, stay focused and have faith that better (implant free) days are ahead. For some of us it takes a bit longer to make it happen, even when we want it to happen like yesterday ! But it will happen lovely ladies x